06-19-2023- Reading Excuses- Cathy Lim- The Slayer's Magic- sub 2- Chapter 2- 3,027 words

[Cathy Lim]

Hello Everyone,

 

Thanks for the feedback last week, I really do appreciate it! I have lower expectations from this week’s chapter. (Even though it’s been through the same process.) Mostly because one person who has read it hates it, but the others love it so- I have no idea what to think. This is a bit of a change from the original draft as this time I have put this meeting into Z’s point of view. One thing about this meeting is that it is critical for the book. I have reworked it quite a bit because of all the difficulties people have had with it. Good luck- ha ha!  

 

Thanks again!

 

[Ace of Hearts]

All right excited to get into it!

Overall: A pleasant and relaxed read overall, though I think there are points where it veers too far from “chill” to “random.” At the start there are a lot of character introductions and I don’t know why they’re important here, and by the end it feels a bit choppy with one event after another. I think the biggest thing I’m missing is a character hook for Z. There’s the focus on his fire magic, which feels more like an attribute than something his personal story revolves around (which is fine but we need something to fill that gap). And then there’s the implied story of how he's interested in guys but isn’t out to his family—this is the most interesting thread to me since there’s real conflict—but the story doesn’t focus on it as a key character conflict and there’s no inciting incident here to escalate that conflict.

As I go:

Pg 1. I’m assuming the voice in his head is a memory and not telepathy but since we’re starting off with magic it could be worth clarifying.

-I’m torn because this is a pleasant opening to Z’s character but I don’t feel the same connection I did with R. She had interesting dynamics with her family heritage, and Z doesn’t seem to have a character hook at the start by comparison.

Pg 2. I’m reading Z as kind of an annoying nag with how he treats Re and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to see him that way (especially given that he doesn’t seem like that in book 2)

Pg 3-4. This is a lot of character introductions and I think especially if the story wants to feel more light slice of life (which is the vibe I’m getting) it could be worth skimming over everyone else so we can focus on Z and R’s first meeting.

Pg 5. I get why the characters are trying to drop the topic of R’s mom but since this is the first bit of the overall plot we really get this chapter I don’t think it works to switch back to meandering conversation.

Pg 6. J and R’s dynamic feels too playful to be antagonistic and but not genuine enough to be close, so I’m not sure how to read this.

Pg 7. Maybe this is just a me thing but I typically see “blond” for guys and “blonde” for girls so I was confused about the guy’s gender at first. Another example of in-world it makes sense that Z randomly sees someone he has a crush on but I need more on what it does for the story. Also not sure to make of R’s behavior here.

Pg 9-10. Am I reading this right as Z not being interested in girls at all? Could be helpful to know how acceptable it is for him to be interested in guys in this society since it doesn’t look like he’s out.

[Mandamon]

This one's reading a lot better than last time!

Generally I agree with @Ace of Hearts' assessment. There were a few points where there was a quick change from one scene to another, and it think maybe there needs to be a couple more lines to transition it better, especially with leaving dinner, and talking about mom's suspicious activities.

I do like that Z is more out in this version, at least in his thoughts. There's a lot of "instant attraction" going on as well from all the characters, but I could let that go since they're all teenagers. 

I'm wondering if Z's treatment of R is going to be bigger here? At this point it seems pretty mean, so I'm wondering if this is setting up for a redemption arc between them.

Definitely more engaging and I'm looking forward to the next section!

Notes while reading:

pg 2: “You needed something to do.”
--hm. This seems more cruel or petty, and brings down the sympathy for Z.

pg 3: "slightly taller"
--I'd think if Z describes him as a "mountain" he'd be much taller.

pg 3: "Z always hated this part"
--how many times has it happened?

pg 3: "That was just wrong."
--yeah, seems strange that dad's doing it then.

pg 5: “We’ll walk through the village to Crystal Lake and back. Will that give you enough time?”
--Will the food be okay for that long?

pg 5: “I’m assuming he’s a member of your mother’s organization,” 
--interesting that this person knows where mom is and can track her down in time?

pg 6: "If we hurry, we might catch a couple vendors before they leave.”
--it seems a little strange that they all just abandoned dinner when that person came around. I'd think they'd be grumbling about dinner getting cold rather than talking about vendors. Or maybe trying to get a replacement meal.

pg 8: "He made a mental note to figure out what."
--this is setting up the tension between all the kids a lot better.

pg 9: "was able to coax out"
--this is a bit dry. Could probably expand in into a couple paragraphs.

pg 11: This ends rather abruptly. Seems like there's more to this chapter? I was waiting for some sort of reason why the guy was yelling to stop.