Little_Dagger she/her Posted March 6, 2023 Report Share Posted March 6, 2023 Hi everyone, I have a bit of an unusual submission this time. I often make small changes based on your comments, but sometimes these changes are too significant to continue the story without letting you know about them. So, this week, I am submitting a part of chapter two that I have edited as well as chapter six. As a reminder, chapter two begins with R healing B with the Aria using a bead of seleill, while chapter five ends with K leaving the camp after his confrontation with R at dinner. I hope the nonlinearity of the submissions is not too confusing! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted March 7, 2023 Report Share Posted March 7, 2023 Interesting submissions! My main note is that I think the chapter 6 here is a better spot to intorduce the alien spies than in the prologue. I still think that there was too much information all at once, though. I think that you can mention she's from another planet, has a beneficially mission, and tease out the rest of the details. Seriously, do not be afraid to let the information flow out slowly. Its interesting stuff, and I think that just giving little bits of it at a time will be more helpful to keep readers reading. Just having it poured out all at once is intimidating and makes me feel like I'm reading a textbook haha. I also was a little unsure of how chapter 6 connects to the main plot, however. I thought the changes to chapter 2 were mostly good. I do like that we get a better sense of what the meeting is earlier on. Good work, interested to see where this goes as always! “his idea to replicate s mechanically” this seems a little on-the-nose to me. It’s hard for me to put into words, but I think “revolutionary” is too strong of language for something that is still untested and probably insane. Also, as a side note, having this as chapter 2 I actually don’t think this description of why artificial s is important is impactful as it could be, since we haven’t seen s yet at this point. “That would be illegal” I didn’t take R to be someone who cared all that much about legality P3 “heated lecturing” nice haha Does this still have the scene with the healing and this has just skipped it? Because I not only really liked that scene and I don’t think this works very well without it I do like how we get an explanation of what the equatorial meeting is P7 If this is the new first introduction of the aliens, I think this is a better place and way to do it. “alma mater” that’s interesting. So the AnO are university graduates? Hmmm P8 I’m sorry, but again at this point with the introduction of this group the P, a Ti Base, n trained people, all these names are just really overwhelming. It’s a lot of information and I can’t help but think that it could be conveyed in a more engaging way than just stating it outright “double shadow” that’s cool P9 It’s interesting to see more how ableist this society is P10 “was hoping that a stranger who could kill” I get what this is trying to say, but it’s worded in a confusing way It’s also a very interesting point of conflict between the two peoples P11 “though, I admire the dedication” lol I’m much more engaged with this part of the chapter btw P12 “I need to know is it is” if it is? “the size M houses” of M houses Btw I don’t know what or who K is, or why this person would immediately know she is looking for it So this is K from the previous chapter, right? Why exactly was he a heister before? Very intriguing… 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger she/her Posted March 7, 2023 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2023 13 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: Seriously, do not be afraid to let the information flow out slowly. Its interesting stuff, and I think that just giving little bits of it at a time will be more helpful to keep readers reading. Just having it poured out all at once is intimidating and makes me feel like I'm reading a textbook haha. I agree figuring out the right balance between moving plot and explaining things is rather hard for me at the moment. Th earlier chapters had too little worldbuilding, while the prologue and some pages here have too much. Well, I can't get better if I am not told what doesn't work, so thank you for your thoughts! I truly appreciate the feedback on this. 13 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: Does this still have the scene with the healing and this has just skipped it? Because I not only really liked that scene and I don’t think this works very well without it The healing scene is still there - it is largely the same, so I didn't want to ask you to read it again. 13 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: So this is K from the previous chapter, right? Why exactly was he a heister before? Very intriguing… He had his reasons 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted March 8, 2023 Report Share Posted March 8, 2023 Let’s get into it! Overall: For the first part, the scene did a better job of engaging me with aspects of characters and the world, and now that I’m less confused about that my attention is on how we need a clearer plot. We get this cool world and ideas of how this dangerous job can be automated, but we don’t really get a central conflict or plan for how that’s going to happen. Oh, and N especially here comes across as pretty stiff. Even if she’s supposed to be a weirdly formal kid I think it’s worth taking another look at her lines. For the second part, I’m engaged by L as a character and her mission, and once again what I need from the rest of the chapter is for the plot to be clear. The conversations at the end need to be tied to the progress of her mission for me to be engaged, and I need to understand the stakes behind each one. As I go: Pg 1. I think I mentioned this before but while I like that N is smart here she doesn’t really sound like a 17-year-old -Now the bit about automation replacing a dangerous physical job is one that I can get a good feel for. I really like it! …Though how does R expect the heisters to get the better jobs they deserve? Pg 3. I like the added emphasis on B being a middle-class academic type who’s out of place in this working-class environment Pg 5. This is another good worldbuilding note that seems to come a bit out of nowhere Pg 6. I get a much better feel for L and her character voice right off the bat than any of our previous PoV characters Pg 7-8. Could be trimmed a bit here so we can get to the action—knowing that intervening in worldly affairs is such a no-no is important but the way it’s told here comes across as a bit heavy-handed Pg 10-11. The city is cool and I’m glad that we have L’s long-term plan but I need a better feel for her short-term plan. What is she hoping to get here and now? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted March 12, 2023 Report Share Posted March 12, 2023 Similar comments to the others. I'm not quite sure what either of these chapters add. There's a whole other society here not related to the plot we've seen so far, and I don't have a good enough grasp on the characters to know what they're doing. I can tell there's a lot of great worldbuilding going on behind here, but I don't know people's reasons for what they do. Focusing on the characters first and bringing out a little more of their wants and goals will help tell the reader how the worldbuilding fits in. Notes while reading: Ch 2: I'm not sure what was changed here, but I'll keep reading and see what pops up. pg 7: ok, so I see how this ties in with the prologue... pg 9: It seems like a large secondary story is being introduced here, when I haven't quite got the gist of the first story yet. pg 10: There's a lot of new tech and places/people going on here. pg 13: I'm not quite sure what's happening here. There's a lot of walking around and trying to get into places, but I don't know who L is or what her objective is. pg 15: So the end reveal doesn't really work here, because I don't know anything about these people or what the title means. He's some sort of important person that is helping another person into a chamber, but the people and places are so different from the rest of the story I'm confused. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Dagger she/her Posted March 12, 2023 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2023 Thank you @Mandamon, @ginger_reckoning and @Ace of Hearts for your comments. They are a big help, as always! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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