The Iconar Collective

[The Aspiring Archivist any pronouns]

14 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Right-o, fellas - which is better?

or

I might combine some elements... like saying "unkempt stretch of field" if you want to have that adjective without it being the exclusive nature of the stretch, or something. Also, "decided to" seems like a strange choice. Idk. But I prefer the second overall.

Edited September 4, 2023 by The Aspiring Archivist

[Aeoryi she/her]

Second I would say- has more personality 

[Experience he/him]

The second one gets to things slightly faster which I prefer

[Frustration]

6 hours ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Right-o, fellas - which is better?

or

 

Second 

"Stretches of unkemptness" is really the issue I had with the first.

[Edema Rue she/her]

8 hours ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Right-o, fellas - which is better?

or

 

Second, but I still think the last sentence is kinda choppy, if that makes sense.

[Channelknight Fadran]

Yay opinions! It's not perfect yet (duh), but I have totally improved my prose since... what, March? Not last March - the one before.

Whatever. Here's what I have written so far on the redraft - in addition to checking for whacky sentences and paragraphing and pacing and whatnot, do me a solid and lmk if the actual changes are any good. A lot needs to change for the rewrite, but most of all is the entire Selection Arc in Act I, so... well, it's going to be quite different once I start getting around to it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10iZWsPGBYAAkwyFcdkUOquqM-kNDf8FxR6_9xSDssmg/edit?usp=sharing

[Channelknight Fadran]

idk if anyone even looked at the last boi up there but I've updated it to include the entire opening scene for Corrin. I wound up changing what the Selection's gonna be like, because walking through a forest for a week is boring as hell - lemme know if the new edition is any good.

Next up I'll be switching over to Aurora and Lacy, whose introductory arc is going to get a massive overhaul for... various reasons. 

[Aeoryi she/her]

19 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

idk if anyone even looked at the last boi up there but I've updated it to include the entire opening scene for Corrin. I wound up changing what the Selection's gonna be like, because walking through a forest for a week is boring as hell - lemme know if the new edition is any good.

Next up I'll be switching over to Aurora and Lacy, whose introductory arc is going to get a massive overhaul for... various reasons. 

i dunno. I liked Corrin's selection thing that was going on much better than Aurora and Lacy. Don't get me wrong, its a great plot, but Corrin's whole thing strikes true to the heart for me, and I find myself wishing to see more Corrin scenes. This is mainly why I would say add more context to the Aurora and Lacy line to make it seem moreimportant to the characters.

Ultimately the first act has really good storytelling aspect so keep that in mind. (although corrin will still be one of my most favorite characters of all time.)

[Edema Rue she/her]

On 9/6/2023 at 1:37 AM, Channelknight Fadran said:

idk if anyone even looked at the last boi up there but I've updated it to include the entire opening scene for Corrin. I wound up changing what the Selection's gonna be like, because walking through a forest for a week is boring as hell - lemme know if the new edition is any good.

Next up I'll be switching over to Aurora and Lacy, whose introductory arc is going to get a massive overhaul for... various reasons. 

I agree,the forest felt just a bit anticlimactic, but I did enjoy it more than Aurora and Lacy, so I'm excited to see the new versions!!

[Channelknight Fadran]

Spoiler

 

[Channelknight Fadran]

[Channelknight Fadran]

guys help I'm overhauling the magic system again

at this point I think there have been more versions of the magic than I have actual drafts of the book - and that includes the awful first-chapter-then-give-up editions.