kais

02/11/19 - kais - Dandelions, Chapters 5-6 (2793 words)

3 posts in this topic

Final installment! Edits since last time:

1) Methal is now a heavy magic-using kingdom. Magic is banned in E but there’s still a black market
2) MCs no longer do poo battle with dragons. Now they just get pulled into the carriage after getting damp butts from the sedge
3) Methal has a large magic library, from which Met stole a book written by the original colonists about early magic, and how early colonists kept ending up in other people’s minds. Book has a way to stop it but one of the people has to die. 

Other than that, events are all basically the same. I have about 500 words to play with and I wouldn’t mind using them on these last two chapters, especially the final separation scene, which might be too brisk. Any thoughts at all are welcome, but especially if the ending hits home and if you think the separation magic stuff needs some work.
 

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Overall, this wrapped everything up, but I definitely think there needs to be more with the separation ceremony and less with the coronation and sitting around beforehand. You could probably cut some of the first two pages of this section to give you more words to work with.

My main problems were:

1) Blocking. I didn't really get what was going on where in the ceremony and the separation.

2) The separation: This is the whole point of the story. The ceremony really doesn't even matter except for the (somewhat plotful) reason they have to make the glass there. There's also no explanation of how M. made this giant sleeve, or a description of it once made. I was having a very hard time visualizing it.

3) Emotional reaction from M and O after the separation. There really isn't any.


Notes While Reading:
pg 1: "She held two round loaves of bread and three thin glass jars of juice in her hands"
--on a tray or something?

pg 2: "spend the blank note "
--I think I got a  little lost along the way. M sent it? But is it her money? And it's just for whatever amount? If she isn't actually the princess, then where did it come from?

pg 3: “So the glass?” 
--This is a weird non-sequitur and threw me out until I realized what was going on. I though they were talking about the glasses of juice again.

pg 4: "killed livestock and little kids"
--I feel like these shouldn't have the same emphasis.

pg 4: "a dwarf komodo someone hadn’t thought to leash properly"
--so it is just wandering around eating people's toes? I find the culture which lets these obviously dangerous animals run free kind of suspicious.

pg 5-6: I had to read O's bluff several times to figure out what was going on. I think we need some indication of what's O is going to do, because if it was me, I'd just let the guards seize O.

pg 6: Maybe it's just me but I'm not picking up what O is selling...He sounds ridiculous. Maybe because I don't know of any customs that would support this?

pg 9: "threw pot after pot at the cooling sleeve"
--wait, why is this happening? I think I need some blocking to know what's going on. The whole throwing pots section is confusing.

pg 10: "O rolled to xir back"
--I though xie was standing straight up in the sleeve? How big is it? Need some description.

pg 10: "Blisters deflated. The red faded from xir skin."
--Are the dandelion seeds magic, to heal blisters?

pg 11: “It’s done.”
--hmmm...yeah far too short here. Needs some more emotion, or reaction, or something.

pg 12: "Perhaps they would eventually make one that brought O and M closer than xie and B."
--like lovers? I didn't really get that from O and M.

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On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

I think we need some indication of what's O is going to do,

Ahh good call. I've changed so much in the beginning it doesn't make as much sense. I have edited it heavily

On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

Maybe it's just me but I'm not picking up what O is selling...He sounds ridiculous. Maybe because I don't know of any customs that would support this?

Check. I've tied it back into the magic versus nature thing I put in the edited beginning. I think it makes more sense now

On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

The whole throwing pots section is confusing.

This is partly WRS and partly bad blocking. Will fix.

On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

I though xie was standing straight up in the sleeve? How big is it? Need some description.

Have fixed sleeve description and O's problematic blocking

On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

Are the dandelion seeds magic, to heal blisters?

Yes. This got played up a lot more in the early parts so it isn't so shocking now

On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

Needs some more emotion, or reaction, or something.

Have expanded!

On 2/11/2019 at 11:08 AM, Mandamon said:

like lovers? I didn't really get that from O and M.

Ehhhhh. There's like three lines about it scattered throughout. I'll reread and see how things are coded now. It may or may not stay.

Thank you so much! One more read through and this thing is off to the editor!

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