killersquid

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15 Bridgeman

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  1. Why not use the berries? they won't sting, but it will feel more realistic and they'll be equally distracting?
  2. p2 "He stared at her for long moments as her shoulders jerked then put on her back before changing his mind and pullingher into a hug." Then put on her back? am i misreading this sentence or does it not really make sense? p3 "Her dark blue crime scene garb. " feels likea floating half-sentence “This was a rust-show and no mistake. I’m going to have to insist on approving all potential cases from now on.” who's saying this? i think it's M but not sure, though it might be clear from the voice used and that i'm just not catching on cause i've only red t he last 3 chapters, i don't see it mentioned in the other feedbacks so probably clear enough, but felt like i needed to mention it p4 i absolutely love the casual talk in the eleveator at the start. makes them feel really human, not able to process yet so postponing even thinking about what just hapened as much as possible "Q blew out abreath as his chemical rush gave way to all-pervading pain." Blowing out a breath? feels like a weird phrasing choice "Q considered wording a terse email to Calvin Kline about the lamentablethermal properties of their boxers" Did you mistype Klein or is it meant to be a joke? It did pul me out of the story though, ina full on sci-fi shitshow in a far future or different world and suddenly CK boxers? p5 "Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile." This feels out of place, the time for the joking has alreaddy passed in my opinion and this feels a bit awkward regardless. "blankets around him ill-fitting" blankets don't really fit do they? they cover sure but they don't fit. "It resolved into a hulking olive drab brute thatwhispered to a stop in front of them" hulking brutes don't normaly whisper, feels weird to me p6 "held to keys to their fate" THE keys p6-7 so what DID they stop for? except to give the reader a nice view of the explosions Good piee of writing, looking forward to the final chapter and conclusion. Definitely feels like you're closing out character arcs, which is something that annoys me greatly when not done so thank you for that
  3. I'm going to echo the emotion thing, but not going to harp on it oo much. What i will say is that i love the way you describe the magic. The descriptions are simple and clear but you still feel like it's a complex system that takes skill to properly manipulate. I haven't followed from chapter one and I don't know anything from previous books so i might be interpreting this all wrong, But it seems like the council members should be powerful maji as wel, and i'd like them to put up a bit of a fight,now they feel weak. Though agin, that might be intentional. I do like the flow of the combat, it's pretty clear whats happening, sometimes positioning isn't perfectly clear, btu I like that, it gives a sense of chaos to the fight. All in all, I really liked this chapter!
  4. Hello all, With permission from @silk I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread on how to deal with feedback. This means two things; -How to implement it into your writing -How to mentally deal with it. Particularly the second one I've been having issues with, and would appreciate a discussion about. I've only posted twice and gotten feedback both times that was very useful and not in any way malicious or rude. Yet instead of encouraging me to continue writing, it brings me down and makes it very hard to pick up the pen. Anyone else deal with similar issues? Feel free to also discuss how to implement feedback, but I can't comment on that much since I've only done it once.
  5. I've read this part and i feel like i'm not ina position to comment on it, a lo of it is carried by it being a payoff for a story that i haven't read, meaning that i can't realy judge on the validity of the payoff. On the writing itself, it felt a bit slow. I feel liek i should be anxious and on the edge of my seat and i'm not, i'm ahving to wait for more tension too often i feel. You're starting a lot of sentences with subject, but a lot less then before and it doesn't bother me in this one so much because it isn't constant and it feels almost necessary. I don't really have a lot of comments on the writing itself, except on page 18 "That’s may not be good." isn't a correct sentence. I did like the fighting, it felt active and fast-paced and i really felt like Q was in danger so props on that.
  6. When did yo usend them? I haven't received them, and i checked all inboxed
  7. I loved the general idea of the story, and i love the promise of the guild going after an entire Queendom. But the interaction between M and the princess feels weird, it seems like she couldn't make up her mind on who she was as the princess acted differently in each paragraph. The build up was well done and gave me a good sense of character for M and J, so I liked that a lot, The actual robbery felt weird. Thorns used as blowdarts? that doesn't seem at all functional, but even if it did, that wouldn't feel like a mosquito sting. I assume the driver was feignig his unconsciousnous? otherwise it would be weird for him to just overpower J like that and toss him to the side after just being knocked out. if the princess is pretty much covered in rags, why is M suprised she's not wearing jewellery? It doesn't really feel like a romance at this point, it feels more like a payback heist. Sure there is tension between M and the princess, but not a romantical t ension. As far as the sorcery is concerned, i've seen NO indication to that whatsoever.
  8. For this one i'm going to stay general. The story itself captured me quite well. I loved the enclave. I can't pinpoint why but it felt really REAL and really home-y which is the intention I believe. The biggest worry I have and the biggest annoyance is that prety much every sentence starts with the subject. another minor annoyance is that they keep referirinf to 'other instance' which feels clunky, something so personal and often used in conversation would have gotten a shorthand i think 'my other' for example since everyone would know what they mean and its easier in conversation. I do like the trickle of history and explanation we get, though some of it is confusing me still. probably either because i don't know what comes before, but still i feel like i need to mention it? Also, taking over the diadem is only really discussed quite briefly but i feel it would be a bigger deal, both for the potential information it could give as well as the potential massive violation of privacy IF she ever woke up. Those are my main thoughts. I migth come back to this with more specifics once i'm no longer ill. Sorry for late and brief response
  9. Rework of chapter 1, I dropped the prologue entirely due to popular demand. Tried to start where the story starts, make formatting actually legible. There's still plenty of spelking and possible grammar errors in there but I'd love it if you could ignore those and focus on content and layout. Kind regards, Squid
  10. I woul like to be on the submission list for tomorrow with a heavily reworked chapter 1 without any prologue
  11. I'm not entirely sure how this works, but even if i don't submit (wether or not I want to depends on how much time i can spend on writing tomorrow) I'll still get sent the things the others have written to critique them, yes? If yes, i have no issues with 5500 @Mandamon
  12. Thank you all for the feedback, It's my first time actually trying to write a story to make it into a book so this advice has been VERY valuable. I don't think i'll submit next week but spend it rewriting ch1 and resubmit after, I hope i'll be (and therefore it'll be) better then
  13. Sorry for the late comments, been sick most of the week. You said "Please feel free to comment on anything and everything, as little are as much as you like. All fair game." So thats what I'll do, understand that, unles otherwise stated, these are all small issues. I do like the story, even if it is quite confusing without the previous 27 chapters, but that's to be expected. On page 5 you have the sentence: "Moth stepped out with them then Dulcie, who he thought might have taken to following Moth’s lead" The construction seems weird, I know what's happening, but there's definitely something off. Further on p5: "Moth matched him easily, keeping the dinosaurs out front" I'm not a native speaker so I could be wrong, but 'out front' to me says outside of something in the front of it. While 'out IN front' to me means they're beign guided to the front of the group, could be mistaken though. on p6 you use the word "segued", while used correctly, it's a word I often hear, yet never see written and I believe that will be true for most readers, which pulled me out of the story a bit. p6 "And the man never called himself ‘Derek’" yet he isn't at all thinking about this or telling the others this is weird? p6: “Never, gonna use a, storming handset, again. After this rust,” This feels like it should be one sentence, and I would personally opt for ... instead of , p6 "“This’ll be the sharp end then.” No idea what this is supposed to mean? unless it refers back to an in-joke between characters or a thing they often say? p9 "clicked her pistol’s safety off" just as a note, most pistols that exist in current day do NOT have manual safeties. p10 Q is suprised that something or someone killed M, but he shoudl've suspected something from the interaction on p6? Overal, it's not the type of story i like to read so i can't comment onhow well or bad it does for industry standard. What I can say is that i DID feel a sense of being chased all the way through and I did feel like they needed to hurry the F up or bad things would happen so that's ver ywell done. I did notice however that you seem to start a LOT of your sentences with the subject, which can end up feeling a bit samey after a while and even a bit annoying at times, but that's one of my pet peeves (because I know I do it too) so it migth not be that bad for anyone else.
  14. First of all, sory for responding late, been ill most of the week. Overall I liked it. The fantastical elements are somewhat confusing at the start, but thats probably because I haven't read chapter 1, so i skipped the start of the learning curve. I do love characters with internal struggles that are external. By which I mean that no one can see her struggle, and even though one ofthe other characters can kind of understand, they cannot help. I believe you did that beautifully here and walked the balance really well between internalising too much which would draw me out of the story and externalising too much which wouldn't make me as invested in the MC. I do have to agree with @industrialistDragon though. S kind of annoyed me. At first he didn't understand, which is fine and he can be somewhat pushy to try and force an interaction, but once I made it very clear that this is serious stuff and he NEEDS to back off when she acts like this it becomes less of a'ok he's trying to connect' and more 'dude, are you trying to get her to attack you?' As far as I understand (again, without having read ch1) the Eff's situation should be more of a concern, especially for WW, now it just feels like they're excorting someone, not leading someone in clear distress to a place to figure out more about what's going. I'm definitely interested in the characters and the fantastical elements, and I'm real curious who the soothing voice at the end is. At this stage in the story though, i wanne kick S in the groin and I do not believe thats the feeling you want me to have rigth now.
  15. Hello all, This is my first submission and it is the start of the book so don't worry about any backstory at all Kind regards, Squid