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Stars Asunder

Aeoryi

Entry posted by Aeoryi in Entries

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topics:suicidal-ideation

Do NOT continue if you are not ready to confront those topics. This is your only warning.

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Fate has a funny way of catching up to us. 

But perhaps I've evaded it more than enough times. There's a calling to the world you experience naturally, one that makes you stay, makes you think. For some people this is goals. For others it may be their legacy. 

I am very much a person who cares about legacy. I want to leave a lasting impression on everyone I meet and know, I want them to remember me and never forget me. 

But now, I have to wonder, what after you impose your legacy? 

Is it finally time to fade?

The world will keep turning without us. It will keep turning without me. I am not... needed, as it turns out. I do not matter.

My calling has long since expired and I wonder, I wonder often... if maybe my time is waning. Because death does claim us all, but it's not always going to be by natural means. I already know the end. I just don't know when it arrives. Perhaps that will be soon. Perhaps it will be later. 

Purpose is so hard to find and even more to hold onto but there is one more thing I have left to cement before I go, the one string keeping my kite anchored in the hurricane: the strong compulsion to provide for others.

I have already mentioned my dedication to this task before, in Permafrost which was more of a reflection. But this is an aspiration of mine, a hope. One day I want to be able to provide for as many people as possible. And in order to do that I need to be alive, I think. 

which means I need to take care of myself. I'm not very good at that, I'll have you know. I've lost about 15 pounds of weight in the last 2-3 weeks due to not eating which is... dangerous (especially considering I'm already barely within the "healthy range"- now I'm underweight) and I have actually awful hygiene habits. It's so hard to care about sustaining yourself further than just... being alive. But there's also a duty to have the capacity to provide, one that I've been neglecting. 

It's so hard to accept that I actually need to care now and that not caring is just no longer an option. But it is my duty, so I have to fulfill it. 

The suffering is never over.

 

 

(essentially this is just bullying myself into not being depressed which is probably gonna just make me feel many times worse later)

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Usseewa

Usseewa Gerontarch

Posted

I feel you, in some ways I think. I used to want to live to have a legacy, often via writing or coding or whatever my interest was. I think that has lessened. I used to fear death, now I... don't know. I fear it less, I think. Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if it claimed me.

When you were talking about having the capacity to meet your goal or to provide for others, a had a thought: when it's late at night and I'm tired, I can't write, can't read, etc. I need to sleep, then I can. So, idk if that's helpful but it seems related. It's easier to care for others when you care for yourself, when you have the energy, can think, etc.

Sometimes it can feel meaningless to care for yourself, or at least for me. Why eat? Why sleep, why get out of bed, why drink, why take care of yourself, etc.

If you have anything that you find reminds you of your purpose, gives you hope, motivation, etc., maybe write it down. A note where you'll see it, something. Even in a journal or document on your phone/computer, where you know you can find it, to remember.

Life can... seem meaningless, I don't know. Sounds lame but I feel it and maybe you do too.

Do you have opportunities to contribute to this goal of yours? Specifically ways that improve your state of mind, your self, your mood, etc. Bring you joy, fulfilment, interaction, what it is that you seek or need.

Group therapy, for me, had plenty of opportunities to give advice, support, validation, thoughts, etc. to other peers/people when they shared their struggles. It also allowed me to receive it. I struggled with it but also I overthought my words too much.

I don't know if it'll help, but you can call/text/chat a suicide hotline and talk through things. I can't say for sure, your's may be different (especially if it's local, I'd think, but idk), but they didn't need to call anyone (ems). I also .. wasn't really actively suicidal/had-a-plan/...yeah. Well.. idk but you can probably check their policies or maybe ask them. To be honest it might not be too helpful if that's not what they're designed for...; I find that... not everything is meant for what you think, what I thought. Not meant to provide that help.

Do you have any IRL friends, or people, you can talk to? Even if you don't say everything, even just talk about going through a rough time. Something to elevate your mood, give you some joy. I find it hard when I feel disconnected from everyone, or not connected to anyone. It's as if - like your kite metaphorthing (which I really liked btw) - they are the spiritweb Connection lines holding me here, but sometimes (as now) they are thin or gone or faded. I suppose connection to others is one thing I find keeps me here. Might not be the same for you, but idk it might be. And... idk tbh, I don't have much of it and idk when/if I did, but... idk. Yeah.

I'm still learning things, my view is changing, I'm realizing things. I realize that "magical cure-alls" don't really exist. I can't just go off to therapy or get hospitalized or call a crisis line or talk to someone and have everything fixed. Or... maybe I'm thinking of that for others. I sincerely... hate? Or am pained by? Seeing others and their struggle and not knowing what to do about it, and... I just want to trust that they'll figure it out or work through it, or someone else (therapy, etc.) will... but idk. Maybe they, and perhaps me and maybe you, need someone else or ourselves to actually realize and care and gain that spark of hope and care for ourselves and work towards getting better, committing ourselves to getting better, *wanting* to.

Right now, do you want to get better? Any answer is true. For me it fluctuates.

Many a day I want to lay in bed or not eat or any number of "suffering behaviors." Sometimes I get a spark of motivation to do something that makes me happy, that is good for my health, that connects me to others.

Idk, perhaps even bringing awareness (not judgement) to it can help?

Idk if I'm rambling at this point.

Let me know if something is or isn't helpful, discard what isn't, etc...

You are very interesting..

I wish I could ... be other people. Hm. Or connect with them, but I find it hard somehow, even with the chance/opportunity, even with perfect-enough-but-still-natural ones.

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