Permafrost
topics:suicidal ideation,self-harm
don't read more if those topics make you uncomfortable
There's a duty of care that I feel like I must maintain, that is my calling to life. There are a few facets to this:
1. There is a duty to protect others from preventable harm, to a reasonable degree;
2. There is a duty to ensure respect to spaces I occupy;
3. There is a duty to listen to others, and avoid doing harm to others;
These are very simple ideals, but yet they cause me to struggle internally.
It is incredibly difficult to protect everyone from preventable harm- for example, I do try to reach out to people who are really struggling (even if I think it could be just for attention). But it also it leaves me feeling awful when someone is left hurt and I could've prevented it. It makes me feel worthless, like I don't deserve a place in the world because of my failure. While it's not always my fault, it always hurts me so much.
It is incredibly difficult to ensure respect to every space- people are very indirect about signaling, so it can be hard to tell if I'm overstepping a line or if I'm chasing someone away or something. It is sometimes incredibly hard to tell if I'm bullying a person into leaving or if I'm bettering the space I'm in. It also can be difficult to tell if I'm disrespecting the space by not leaving; I struggle to acknowledge when a space is bettered by my absence. So I do worry a lot about what impact I have on the people and the space itself.
Not hurting others is similar- it is hard to tell if I am causing others discomfort and/or if I should take action to stop that. I make an effort to try and not put anyone down or hurt anyone, which does sometimes involve not taking sides or being really passive, but it helps me feel good about my impact on the world, I guess. But people are not always straightforward with what they mean.
When I do follow my ideals and I think I do or whatever it makes me feel like I'm actually doing good in the world. When I don't, it makes me sad. When I think I can't ever fulfill these ideals, I start to consider disappearing from the world.
these ideals control my life and I can't really do anything about them. Maybe that's a good thing. But sometimes it's too much.
These ideals promote giving up yourself in the name of others, which is good in my eyes, (I don't expect other people to do the same, they're not really my problem) but it is taxing as you would expect. It means I have little priority for myself; it means I get less enjoyment out of doing things for myself, and it means that I can't really... live life properly. Which is totally fine, because I'm content with dedicating myself to my ideals, it's just that I wonder what it would be like to... not have to worry.
what if I didn't dedicate myself to my ideals and actually started caring about myself? What if I stopped seeing my issues as limitations and instead as just quirks? What if I prioritized myself in life? Well, the answer to that is that I would be letting others down. And I can't do that. I can't be selfish and just ignore my duty.
Quite the strange paradox, don't you think?
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