Usseewa

what the heck is that

SHE'S GOT YOUR NAME, AND SHE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME Hm? I'LL READ THESE EVENTUALLY anyway cya in whenever ima play celeste

okie so uhm why do i keep misgnedering or almost misgendering myself, or doing so in my head? is it cuz ppl around me do sometimes and stuf? idk anyway time to play celeste

I CUT THE CORD, NOW I'M NOT ONLINE

TELL ME YOU KNOW!!!

huh?

Idk, maybe it doesn't. I just wanna know what this is/why. Plus, if it is dysphoria I can use it as proof to the Drs that I need/can have HRT. And if(/when) I get HRT, then I can feel better.. Oh and speaking of HRT, I scheduled the appointment for in a few weeks or so, cuz I talked to them and I think I'm set on the 6 months, since I've basically had dysphoria for years lol even if I didn't know it was dysphoria. Plus I also was questioning if I was gay a year ago... so that might be more "proof" or whatever. Sigh.

Ok, cool. I guess that's a good thing...? Idk. Anyway gotta go for a bit, cya sometime in the future.

See my edit about the Lagtrain lyrics! Pretty major spoilers for The Good Place (a TV show)

I mean I'm not saying there isn't a cause for this feeling that is possibly dysphoria, I'm just saying I'm not necessarily conscious of it. Like, if it's dysphoria then ofc it's gonna be deep-down because of my body/incorrect hormones. But doesn't mean I'll be aware of that. Also.. you don't deserve hell. You're not a terrible person. And even if you aren't, like, super kind or whatever, who is? We all make mistakes or do things wrong or aren't nice to people, but that doesn't (always) mean we are pieces of crem. I say always because there are ... bad people out there ... but I don't believe you're one of them. Also, even if you are not the best, you clearly want to better yourself, right? So.. stop thinking of yourself as bad, pls. If u can. Edit: also, try the song "Lagtrain" by INABAKUMORI. It's a vocaloid song and in Japanese, but it's rlly good, at least imo. There's also an English cover by Will Stetson. EDIT2: Tho I'll warn you, you may find the lyrics depressing if you listen in English/read them.

Well sometimes it kinda like came up in conversation and then I said told the person my new name. It was a little awkward as I said but maybe not always in a bad way. Idk what else to say. Yeah.. I think I go through phases where when I'm doubting I'm like "do I even have dysphoria?" And then later I get either clear dysphoria or less-clear but still dysphoria. That's neat! I'm glad you're figuring stuff out and stuff. Like figuring yourself out more. Sometimes it can really help to find these more focused and less general terms that describe us better. For instance, "trans" vs. "trans woman" is kinda large-scale, but still narrows down and can describe someone better. Yeah. Idk if that's the best example but anyway, I'm happy for you! -- For dysphoria, can it simply be this.. feeling that's just present. A feeling you can't identify the source for, but gives you a general and inescapable feeling of unease, discomfort, maybe even dread. Also not an intense or.. "sharp".. feeling, but a spread-out one? Hopefully I'm explaining it good.. but it's kinda like I just feel uneasy and I don't know why. It's not like I'm specifically thinking "I hate my body, I want a different one, but I'm uncomfortable because I'm stuck with this one for now." It doesn't mean that's not true.., it's just not--at least on the surface--what's causing the unease. It could also not be dysphoria, but idk. It just makes it kinda hard to do some stuff. Like there's just this lingering thing in the background that makes it more difficult to.. enjoy some stuff of focus on them or have motivation/energy to do something, or be fully immersed/present. Is this dysphoria? Is that even a question you can answer? It's.. a feeling of wrongness (and I know that's kinda generic but it's true) that I don't know the cause of. Or I'm just making all this up and I'm just anxious or depressed or some random other cause or fabrication. Except it kinda came.. idk if out of nowhere, but like I was kinda thinking about.. certain dysphoric things.. and stuff. Yeah idk. Anwyay..

Oh uhm Was this before or after we talked on THT? I changed it cuz that sounded too depressing. Yeah everything's fine (relatively). I was considering leaving the shard or at least using it a lot less, so I didn't want people to thing I'd died or something if I stopped posting. Yk? I guess I didn't do that well.

I was basically asleep while writing these, especially that last one. So... idk if they'll make sense or be written poorly or anything. Endless Aisles Browsing the lines, The endless rows. Selecting from mass-produced items, Picking cute clothes. Arms grow tired, A small piece of infinity explored. That's how our brains are wired; We always want more. Browsing the lines, The endless rows. Too many highs, Sparing with the lows. Endless aisles, In my arms: piles. So many wants, Not enough clear thought. Brains will be lured and hooked, Souls lost and wallets shook. In this mirror-room maze, This infinite-eternal craze. Meet You on the Train How I wish to meet you on the train, See you in the crowd, Spot your hair, your face, your fit. Speak with you, Know you, Be with you, Meet you. Close Your Eyes and Drift Close your eyes gently, Relax. Rest, give in. Drift off and dream, Listen to your needs, the peace. Just close your eyes and drift to sleep. Unfazed, Yet Troubled She sat there, without the care or energy to even be the slightest bit fazed by what they were saying to her. She had been the target of these insults for years, and she had stopped caring long ago. She simply stared through the drizzle into the distance, away from them, thinking about... her life. She picked up her sandwich, then set it down again, growing sick at the thought of eating anything. She hadn't had much of an appetite in... well... she couldn't remember. Soon, lunch was over and she packed up to head for class. Before she could, one of the boys, who had been snickering and insulting her like the worthless piles of crap they were, stepped up to her. She chose to ignore him, as he wasn't worth the waste of mental energy to think about. Unfortunately, as she turned to leave he grabbed her by the shoulder and said something. She simply turned and, with a blank expression and distant gaze, spoke in a slow and slightly slurred voice "What?" She asked. She had been thinking so much of... other things and nothing at once that she had tuned out the world. Now, she cocked her head at the strange-but-curious encounter. They rarely approached her or directly interacted with her. As she was pondering this, he said something again, but she missed it. She didn't even know he'd said something—she was so deep within her mind, staring blankly ahead, eyes glazed over, ears not working properly. He shook her, but she barely noticed. She faintly felt him take whatever she'd been holding, but her thoughts had drifted to the fact that the morning had already passed, which meant... returning. As she stood there, she grew tired. More drowsy than she was on a nearly-perpetual basis. She couldn't feel anything, couldn't see anything, couldn't hear anything. She didn't want to—life would be much easier if she didn't have to experience it. If she could just disconnect and space out. If she could go numb, when she needed to. As she thought this, though, she remembered where she was. Outside, standing near a wooden table, with one of them there. Except... when she opened her eyes—when had she closed them?—she was lying on the concrete ground, near the legs of the picnic table, and there was no one to be seen. She finally felt something, too: pain. - Lily

Bars I've recently obtained an appreciation for walking.. It's so nice sometimes.

Sentenced It was his time. They unlocked his cell door and roughly hauled him up from where he was sitting on the stone ground with no care whatsoever. They hadn’t told him when this day would come—or even if it would—but they didn’t need to. Ever since his capture, he knew his fate. He had to admit, though, that he had been holding out hope. Just a small hope, a faint longing for a miracle, as they sometimes had in tales. He was aware that this wish for salvation was ultimately never going to come true, but he also knew he would still hold onto it until the very end. Words, Wards Word ward words. Word. Ward words. Ward wards, Ward word wards. Wards—words ward wards. Words warded—words ward wards’ words. Directionality I don’t love hate, do I? I do hate love, don’t I? - Lily

but anyway im warching a movie with a fren now :3 u should try

well for the supportive ones i kinda just came out to them and asked and they... well most.. just started using them and try their best and stuff. it was kinda awkward but still u know that's life for... the possibilly unsupportive ones.. idk. i still did that but they haven't used the new name/pronouns yet. so idk. so i kinda just asked them to for some i did it after coming out for others dueing xoming out

i do to get hrt but i definitely see what ur sayin but like for public spaces they care i have to be obviously a woman sometimes but yes yes i see whta u mean thanks

thx.. but i don't wanna be a male and stuff maybe I didn't understand what u said

Heh.. just had a dysphoric experience in public.. But ima do smth fun instead.. so yah.. sigh first time for everything ig

then I'll've wasted then I'll be a fool then I won't actually need hrt im fine i guess. just trying to spend less time on the shard. i mean rn i think im feeling dysphoria but overall im not dying or very depressed or anything.

but what if I'm not trans how do i know i am do i actually have dysphoria? why do i keep doubting ...

Whoa! I wrote something kinda similar lol Also I like the formatting idea

oopsie... fixed. thx. RAFORAFORAFO!!¡¡!¡!!!!¡ why didn't I get notifications for these comments? or did i just not see them? also no worries.. schoolwork is tough sometimes.. or all the time, really. hehe. looks like i just missed the notif

yum~