Usseewa

46, STICK

43, time to FLEE

Ado I just need to write this even if it's not all of it. I feel like I've restricted myself for many years out of fear of being abnormal or of not doing what is expected (which maybe is just the same thing?). Like, I don't know what to think sometimes or what's right or wrong WaT Like, I think I should do/say something, then think oh wait no I should do the other thing, then realize darn it I should've just done the first one or the one I wanted and Ado I hate this. And uhm... I read about mental health conditions and stuff online (which yes I shouldn't do yada yada please don't comment...) but then I analyse all my actions and thoughts and compare it to what I read while also knowing nothing will be enough to "diagnose." Not that I can self-diagnose, but I feel like nothing I notice will be able to be told to a professional who *could* diagnose me (with something I likely don't have...) because I'd just be a silly fool making something of nothing and seeking diagnoses and labels and all that crap that I've been told I don't need or something (maybe I misparaphrased this). But I also have felt for the longest time like there is *no one* like me, almost as if I am not human and cannot be related to. Now I've been beginning to see that I get people and they get me (at least I hope, in both cases). But before that, I was so scared of... being certain things or whatever and yeah I still am but not as much for certain ones. Idk if I said what I wanted to but wtvr im tired and this has left me feeling weird

3nein

firstlythanks for the name thing i dint knoe if anyone saw that well its just that i have to report it to the therapy thing program im in if i do cut/SH and i dont like lying and it would be bad to just not get help again but also i... idk, eating/sleeping/drinking is different for me cuz... its not as bad imo but like cuz it's something i allow myself to do..? sh is unacceptable for me even when i really wanna do it again. idk why. but i like not sleeping/sleeping less/only a little and i like eating less (or trying...) i like to think of how bad my body is in state even if it probably isnt that bad oh wait this relates to something else.... uhh but idk if i wanna share that so uhm edit: so yeh i do want to suffer, im not fully sure rreason but i do.. And yeah there's sh urges and uhhhhh SI possibly breaching into suicidal behaviour but the program knows i got sh thoughts and stuff and SI so uhm all good in da hood but ado i need to talk about everything before it gets worse.. but like i only started sleep depriving like last week but not in earnest till like... ehat was it friday? so like its not that much time so it just feels like i didnt rraly get snything done and its all just stupid and short snd ughh rdit ahain: i dont even wanna take my meds anymore but i do... but if i stopped i eould t have to eat anything cuz i gotta eat smth eith it when i takeit at least some

i keep seeing licncese plates that have "KYS" on them.... .. also i only had pringles once i think dont really remeber

u guys can call me by my name... whatever thet is somehow im 4ourth number highst poster in the thresd of this thread called this thread named it........... sigh almoghty dont expect me to be on line much. i havent been anyway i just filled two and more than a half pages (like, regular printer paper size or a bit smaller but in an unlined notebook/sketchbook) full of stream-of-conscious kinda-illegible eriting that just looks cool cuz ots also small and so it basically takes up the ehole page with not a ton of ehitespace

ok so.. its been like what a month or so sonce I started hrt? and oh ado please help i cant tell if its doing me good or not or if its good or bad or i like it etc or not ... i cant tell how i feel about the minimal-but-noticeable-for-me breast growth (basically the only change I've noticed, that's easy to notice without overthinking). Why do I sometimes feel panic from it? Why haven't i really been able/allowed myself to cry recently? Sometimes tears almost arrive but i shove them down. Sometimes I like the idea of guys or being one and other times i look in the mirror like "omg yay im a girl !!" sometimes i just fear i like one gender or the other (not in terms of sexuality. Well... that too but that's another topic i think) but like if hrt isnt for me it hopefully isnt too late but id need to know you know? and how do i know if it is?

yeh i guess but i like telling meyself not i lie to myself a lot i think also I just wanna do it.. cuz otherwise i have nothing i cant cut anymore so i eat less or drink less or sleep less but like its not like i cant sleep i just choose not to which is weird so and not good but i want it so bad.. i want to do worse things sometimes much worse but i dont... idk if cuz i don't actually wannt to or not very easy/frwsisble

but im doing it on purpkse so it doesnt count who want to be sleep depreived why do i thrn must be a bad reason

soemtimes im scared of somone noticingand other times i just want help... i dont know or dont want to know because i dont like the.answrr. I just... want to? Ado... I want to and Idk