jParker

What. I'm...I'm not really sure what I just read. Not that that's entirely bad. I think it could be really cool, if a few kinks get worked out.

 

1) The lack of a clear viewpoint character or dialogue works well in the story. However, I'm also unsure what exactly happens. It seems to shift from omniscient in the first paragraph to an over-the-shoulder of the clerk to a lizard man. It leaves me feeling like a ship in a storm.

 

2) Is the clerk experiencing amnesia or what? Seriously. Because I have no idea and you don't give any clue. Ambiguity is good, but confusion, less so.

 

3) Economy of language. In short stories, especially if you're aiming for >500 words, extra words are nothing but a detriment. Does each word need to be there? 

I could believe as old as 13, more likely 11 or 12. Go with Pokemon rules for ages. 

[Caveat: I'm glad Ender's Game was brought up, since OSC's Alvin Maker is an excellent age counterpoint. The protagonist manifests godlike abilities at age 5, so...yeah. Age is not a huge deal.]

I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this piece. And as a reader, thank you for being able to admit the flaws in your work.

 

On the plus side, I absolutely loved the narration style. It's fun and light and easy to read. I am definitely hooked for the long haul.

 

That being said, Papa Tolkien would be proud of your info-dumping. Is it really necessary to tell us the full breadth and depth of Peter's powers? Because that's usually a solid no-no this early in a piece. Granted, I like that you submit to Sanderson's Law with the spell--acknowledging thermodynamics lends to the credibility. On the other hand, would a nine-year old be familiar with Newtonian physics? Much less, the advancements made in the time since that I'm unfamiliar with and so can't talk about. 

 

All in all, good stuff man. You should be proud of your baby.

That's actually why I introduced Fred: to act as a foil for Jeff's grief. I'm glad that went as intended haha. 

 

Good news for Mandamon: next submission won't be nearly as depressing. Or at all, really. 

Thanks Carcinios. I'm quite familiar with the chaos of moving; any transgression, real or imagined, is forgiven.

 

I'm afraid the only connection between Gravemaker and Ostinato is the world in which it takes place. That is the only thing they share. Ostinato won't feature a magic system, different continent, different century. However, I hadn't really planned on making more of Gravemaker; facets may make appearances, but nothing will play a major role. This was just an exercise in writing for fun in a more minimalist style,

"Animals are my real friends" comes to mind. It just strikes me as unnecessarily overt. Also, thank you for averting stereotypes with Snowcat and (presumably) Lei. 

 

Also, I had forgotten this, but what kind of crops grow in Ohtek? I'm having trouble thinking of crops that are intentionally planted during monsoon season. Granted, I've a limited knowledge of agriculture, but I'm curious.

Thanks guys.

 

Guru, my intent with this piece was to illustrate grief and how some people deal with it (i.e. they try to go about their business and fail miserably). I try to stay away from messages or morals in my stories; frankly, there's enough of that sort of thing in the world. Usually I strive for one of two things: to have an emotional impact or to spark conversation. Needless to say this was the former.

 

Also, I put the dots pretty close together on Amy's death. The director said that was his only complaint: he would rather have found out towards the end, sort of as a twist.

Interesting story. I like the concept of Ohtek culture. Just a few issues with the piece.

 

First, it seems really lacking in the description department. I struggle to envision the world and the things in it. That's something that I'd like to see changed above all else.

 

Second--and maybe this is a personal thing--but your writing is pretty explicit in exposition. If there's something the reader doesn't know, you go ahead and explain it immediately. I think that shifting towards implicit, letting the reader wonder what exactly this unknown thing is will really help tow people along. 

 

Finally, weretigers? Khajit? Whatever the name, it's a concept that has been done time and time again in fantasy. What makes yours unique? 

 

To be honest, I liked this more than Nothing Harder than Bone and would probably now read more of the world.

Well, it's definitely come a long way, that's for certain. However, a lot of the original issues are still there. A lot of your sentences are heavily redundant--

"3-Mac decided on a course of action and acted"

"Their purpose and only sole purpose"

"when they began to stop what they were doing because a loud explosion had just taken place no more than a mile away from the production warehouse"

--which, combined with the frequently passive voice makes the piece seem to drag on. In a medium where every word is an opportunity to lose your audience, this is crucial. Which brings me to my other point.

 

While I think the passive voice makes sense for a robotic protagonist, it makes for horrible storytelling. There's no sense of risk or drama or humor or anything beyond an objective description of facts. There's no attachment to any characters and frankly the plot is nowhere near exciting enough to compel me to read on. I honestly want to know why I ought to read this story. I'm not trying to accuse or ridicule or condemn; only (attempting to) promote growth.. 

Thanks Tracer. You're right about the cellphone thing. I've rephrased it in the running draft.

 

As for the answering machine, if memory serves, it was not uncommon to have both a cellphone and an answering machine in the early 2000s. The broken glass is a bit of a hand wave; having accidentally broken my share of glasses though, I must say that the range of durability is substantial. 

 

Glad to hear that you'd keep reading. That is my goal.

Well guys. I hope that was an enjoyable experience for you. Thoughts?

I don't know if this is technically allowed, but I've got a screenplay for a short film that I'm writing for a director friend. Is it okay if I submit that on Monday?

Hoo boy. Where to start...

 

Let's do the positives first. 

 

1. I'm really intrigued by the plotline. You do a great job of dropping hints in dialogue and exposition without info-dumping to keep a reader hooked for more. 

2. Solid characters. Despite Jerome's "bad acting", he seems competent at something, as do Chloe and Carl. 

 

While that's only two, they are really key. 

 

Less positively,

 

1. Grammar and PoV are a wreck. "your"-"you're" mistakes are elementary and shouldn't really be a problem. The Oatmeal has a great series of comics on simple mistakes like that and how to fix them easily. 

 

As for POV, the constant switching between first-person, tight third-person and omniscient is incredibly jarring. Pick one stance and stick with it. The only reason to change is if it's vital to the story (see Name of the Wind). 

 

2. I realize that as a Brit, you probably have less knowledge of American social structures, but if you're setting a story in the South, it's something you really should brush up on. 

 

e.g. If Chloe is from Georgia, the term "Yankee" is highly derogatory, as is anything associated with Sherman (see Sherman's March to the Sea). The word is comparable to "nigger" in its offensiveness. 

 

Furthermore, Carl would have been convicted of aggravated grand larceny and never would be released to a chain gang. He would be stored in a medium-security prison, at least. Sentencing, at least for present time, would be at least ten-twelve years, serving five-seven (with good behavior). I realize that could change depending on the events of The Fever, but I thought you ought to know. 

 

So yeah, research up on that. Justified is a television program (which ought to be available on Netflix) which ought to help with the southern culture, as is Alex Bledsoe's Tufa series (The Hum and The Shiver; Wisp of a Thing). Note, these take place in Appalachia, which are more aggressively "Southern" than most Georgians; The Walking Dead, however, does take place in Georgia and is more accurate (also available on Netflix). 

 

I anticipate the next installment.

 

 

 

Minor note: in contrast with Ria, I really like the phrase "aggressively nondescript". It's something Gaiman would probably use.

Andy, I had originally started the story with Hal staring at the approaching storm, but it felt (to me) super cliche to start anything with that, so I cut it. 

 

Also, I never had an intention of making this more than a B-side for Sephar. Its purpose is to flesh out the malak al-maut, the archangel of death. I'll probably post more of him at another time.

Alright guys. Let me have it.

Holy crap Robinski. I...I don't know what to say. Other than thank you of course.

 

A lot of what you've said I've realized independently, which is why I'm tabling Ostinato until I can get it back on track. It just feels disjointed and directionless, largely because it is. But I do appreciate the feedback guys. Truly.

Well, if nobody else will, I've got a short story I'd like to submit.

 

EDIT: I mean, like super short. Like >1000 words short.

I thought the piece was really pretty strong and except for stylistic issues (which really don't count) I only have two comments.

 

First and foremost, the military style. Kate would be referred to as "sir" instead of "ma'am" by traditional military etiquette. More modern stylists, particularly on the civilian side (who regularly interact with military) would say "sir ma'am sir" but only as a response to a call-to-attention. Furthermore, her call-sign would be Golf-Bravo-November-Niner, assuming you're using standard NATO phonetic alphabet. If communicating on an intra/inter-platoon level, they would signal by their squad and individual number (e.g. the four man in second squad of Bull Troop would be B2-4). But these are things that civilians don't really have much mind to know, so don't feel bad about not knowing it.

 

Also--and I'm pretty sure others will make similar comments--Akim is too evil and too stupid. If he's got any political savvy at all, he's not going to make the sort of overt statements that he does implying the apathetic attitude of the government, regardless of state control of the media. Smart political players will never openly hand their opponents ammunition like that. Now if he is that stupid, he won't be in a position I'm assuming is similar to SecDef. I'd recommend going back at looking at his character and seeing if he's an action-movie bad guy or someone more sophisticated.

 

Finally, on a personal note, I'm not sure I like the title Kate's Folly. While I like it tons more than the previous one, I'm not certain it fits exactly. But that's only my opinion and matters storm all.

Thanks for the feedback Mandamon. 

 

If I might ask a couple of questions...

 

1) What names sounded French? I know Emmy/Emilia probably does, but whom else?

 

Also, since I had planned this to be a secondary world adventure/drama circa AD 1680, what can I do to make that more evident to the reader? Furthermore, we will see the fighters again, sooner rather than later, while Pate and Miller won't come back for a while. As for magic, no. In the world? Possibly. But not in this story.

Alright guys. I'm looking forward to hear what you have to say. 

I'd like to submit on Monday as well.

Thanks for the feedback guys. It's been really helpful for revisions.

 

I should have Chapter Two up next week. As much as I want to preview it, I'd hate to influence any critiques. 

The setting reminded me of Elantris--I wish I could say why. It also has connotations of Star Trek (the Prime Directive) as well as Kipling.

 

The character of Luther felt like a generic fantasy protagonist, while Crillon felt like a less sympathetic Gaz. Gana, on the other hand, reminded me of Demoux in the latter Mistborn novels and Marcos of a Terrisman in TFE. 

 

Regarding the Geology/Lithomancy, I realize that the term has been well-established and that certainly is a significant part of my gut-loathing. Cut-and-paste fantasy has been using similar magic naming for what seems like forever; I'm of the opinion that almost every piece of that genre ought to be discarded or satired. That's me--feel free to do as you like.

I must admit, I have been waiting to see one of your submissions for quite some time. 

 

Geology

• On the one hand, I feel like it has potential to be some truly epic stuff. I envision something out of The Last Airbender and incredible fight scenes.
• However, as it stands, it is super rough. I hadn't the slightest clue how it worked, which seems to violate Sanderson's Law. Once you get the rules of which pulse does what, how the bracelets interact with innate ability and then--most importantly--get that on paper, it can get going.
• Also, prima facie, I was rather confused why a Geologist would be involved in biology and climatology. And now that I've fully read the work, I'm still confused. Some explanation is much needed.
• A personal note: I almost gagged when I saw the word "Lithomantic". Perhaps it's this site's connection with Sanderson (and thereby, Mistborn), but I was very near to checking out. "Oh great, another copycat," I thought. And if you're keen on keeping the name, that's a line you're going to have to be very careful with.

Names

• To be honest, a lot of the names were off-putting. Luther's hybrid Greek-English combination in tandem with a rush of the unfamiliar at the beginning and I was tempted to walk away from what felt like an info dump (e.g. the weather, the religion, the culture, etc.)

Odds and Ends

• The punctuation was definitely a nuisance. Where you didn't miss it altogether, I felt as though you could have used it better, swapping a comma here, an en-dash there. 
• I mentioned this before, but the recurring thought as I read this was: How is this not a Sanderson knock-off? And that's something you should come to terms with. The magic system, the setting, the characters, they've all been done previously by Sanderson and he did them better (considering he's a best-seller and you, presumably, are not). What makes your work stand apart? Hold that in mind as you continue to write.

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I realize that it seems like I've criticized the balls off your story and I almost feel I should apologize. Almost. But it's because I really want to see this become all that it is meant to be; I'd hate for it to end up on the cutting room floor because someone feared to be ruthless. 

 

And truly, I am looking forward to the next installment.

Thanks for the feedback Carcinios. I know it's super rough. I had contemplated cutting it entirely, but yankorro convinced me otherwise. 

 

If you don't mind my asking, what names didn't work for you and why? To be honest, some of them don't work for me, but I needed to have something there. A placeholder is better than nothing.

 

As for posting more, I just finished Chapter Two today. I'm going to go through and revise it and should have it up next week or the week after.