jParker

If it's any help at all, I didn't find the nominalization "The angel" throughout to be repetitive at all. I actually found it interesting.

 

Yay. I'm sorry Mandamon didn't like it, but I won't be changing that part (although the reasons behind the choice becomes clearer later on).

Fair points Mandamon. I'll have to watch myself for overhumanizing that angel--others are a bit more liberal with their affectations.

 

Also, the prolific use of "the angel" was a poor homage to The Gunslinger, where I believe the narrator never uses Roland's name (outside of flashbacks). 

 

Next few chapters will be a bit slow in comparison to the prologue, but it's all (attempting) to create tension. Given the nature of NaNo work, we'll see how it goes.

I'm not sure why Mercedes trusts Prince/Rose so implicitly. I'm not sure of the regional ethnography, but the hillfolk of Appalachia (the Scots-Irish) are extremely distrustful of outsiders. Also, the purpose of the crossbow game is a bit confusing, as is why Bobby gave his away--those things are expensive/rare.

 

On the whole, the piece moved a little slowly for me, but also lacked the same kind of literary patience that we'd seen before. I feel like maybe this submission was a bit rushed, but with some patient love and time, it could be pretty neat.

Now that you've read it, let's hear what you think. What works for you, what doesn't? What strains the lines of credibility? And finally, would the alternate version be preferable?

Never mind. I can wait until Monday. Had some ants in my pants, but they're gone now.

Hey Silk, how mad would you get if I did my submission for next week early?

damnation it Mandamon, you already said what I was going to. 

 

Pretend I said something incredibly insightful and useful...

Maybe not, but given that the series' name is Ripe and Ruin, the imagery works rather well. But hey, Manticore Rose is one of the best titles I've seen in a long time. 

 

(Sorry, but that blog post just pissed me off to no end. I have no tolerance for willfully ignorant douchebags' armchair-quarterbacking.)

 

EDIT: I imagine all the links return Rothfuss because he is the only person to use the phrase, at least in recent memory. Wider usage, more diverse links. 

I am so glad you picked up on the Rothfuss attribution. I originally chose it as a throwaway title, but I'm liking it more and more. Obviously my prose isn't near as tight as Pat's, but I'm not sure he'll mind my borrowing.

 

I intend to rewrite the prologue and submit it next week. I know it's out of order, but I think it'll put a lot of things in perspective. As I said earlier, it's much more eventful. 

 

yankorro, I'm quite aware of the narrative inconsistencies; it's a side-effect of NaNo and unfortunately, it'll continue sporadically through the novel until I go back and start revisions (probably January 2014--gotta let it seep). Also, I'm embarrassed to say, I only caught the Elmer Fudd thing a few days ago; I wanted a protagonist with an old man name and Elmer Cudde flowed reasonably well. 

 

TwoMcMillion, I'll try to send out a warning in the email whenever a chapter ends in sleep. I do it a few more times, maybe just one or two. Not really sure.

Thanks andy, I completely missed that. Yes, he should have had something to drink. 

 

Also, Legacy (the town) is pretty much the chull end of nowhere. The only people had been there in recent times that weren't long familiar to the townsfolk were taxmen, draft officers and deserters. To them, odds are that Elmer is up to no good. 

 

Mandamon: The prologue has significantly more bang in it. I probably would have submitted it first, if I hadn't woken up this morning and thought of a vastly better way of arranging it. Also, the fact that it "could be any one of a thousand spaghetti Westerns" is hugely complimentary to me. My goal with this story is to create something like if Sergio Leone was project lead on Supernatural.

 

"her" refers to Mother Nature. I understand if that isn't readily clear.

 

As for the phrases, they're supposed to be unusual. Glass paper is a predecessor to sandpaper. The beard thing was just cause. The last is to emphasize Ellen's fussiness--which cats and grandma's typically exemplify.

Alright guys. Now that you've read it, what do you think?

Despite all common sense telling me not to, I'd like to submit a chapter of my NaNo book this upcoming week. Provided we have enough room, of course.

If the DragonFathers are a threat, why are other DragonBound exempt? Apart from the vague rules on the magic system (which shouldn't be explored in Chapter One; so good on you there), the exceptionally similar terminology would probably confuse an average reader. 

 

As for the leader of the DragonBound, I'd assumed the Drage qualified. Ben's deference seemed to indicate a hierarchical difference. 

Well that is neat. I'll try to incorporate that into my pidgen.

Disclaimer: I may be extra-harsh on this piece because I have never been big on traditional fantasy (i.e. swords and dragons and such). I loathe almost everything about it and its only credibility in my eyes is that it allowed contemporary fantasy to be born. That being said...

 

To be quite frank, the whole piece feels like a cheap piece of fantasy--just aware enough to be vaguely post-modern but still unable to avoid the foibles of the first generation (DragonLance anyone?).

 

Righor is a blank, sarcastic canvas, apparently important but without any distinguishable reason why. I understand first person narratives typically use a less-characterized viewpoint, but given the brief insight I have into the story, that's just not going to work for me as a reader. Then again, neither are the dragons or the apocalyptic menace on the horizon. 

 

Specific Issues:

Why the hell wouldn't he know his last name? Let's go with the typical explanation and say Righor's an orphan raised by warrior monks. Then why not adopt a whole new identity, as people tend to do? 

 

What's stopping Righor from summoning his dragon? Last I checked horses weren't exactly equipped for aerial combat and unless his kidnappers are virtuoso marksmen, Rastak would blow through them like chaff. And don't say "He doesn't know where he is." The basics of radio communication--assuming that's the model Waves are based on--circumvent that.

 

Finally, why are the DragonLords a cataclysmic problem? What separates them from DragonFathers? Why is Righor not a massive threat? And why is the apparent leader of the DragonBound so incompetent? Any semblance of realism in a political organization would have had a coup long before dementia took hold.

 

tl;dr WHY?

Cool: Definitely like the setting. Seems like it'll be a fresh take on post-apocalyptic America. Bonus: No YA drama.

 

Questionably Plausible: Rose's mental illness. Given that it's a relatively tight viewpoint, I would expect her illness to seep through more, as effective medications would be minimally available (manufacturing would cease, creating an ever-diminishing fixed supply). I'm not sure what she's got, but if memory serves and it's schizophrenia, that could be incredible story-wise, given an alternate viewpoint for contrast.

 

Also, Tia Amaro's vocabulary. She probably wouldn't need an extensive lexicon in prison and words like azure would fade from disuse. Probably. I don't have near the qualifications to make that statement with certainty.

 

Furthermore, I feel let down by Rose's interaction with her neighbors. I'm not sure what should happen, but *something* should.

 

Info-dump is obviously an info-dump, but it's not even close to Tolkien, so you get a pass.

 

Personal Quibbles:

Granted, my dialectic Spanish isn't exactly superb, but I believe Prince would say, "No tienes (or tiene) miedo" when entering Dante's. Of course, if there's a linguistic reason to use an awkward prepositional phrase, I'll cede the point.

 

All told, significantly better than the intro. I'm definitely signed up for the long haul.

 

 

P.S. Totally no intersect with my story, so we're cool.

I'm doing it as well. So far it's a bit daunting, but have kept up the pace. Hopefully that will continue. (Username's HalParker on NaNoWriMo if anybody wants to add me. Just saying.)

The Dark Tower is absolutely fantastic. Think Lord of the Rings but without Tolkien's elementary offenses (predictable storyline, info-dumping, pointless tangents, etc.). To be compared to it is definitely a good thing. 

 

I probably won't post anything until at least December. Between work and university, I'm going to have difficulty just to keep my word count adequate--I definitely won't have time for revisions and editing. As for competition, my only wager is bragging rights. Who wrote the better Western fantasy? (No Indians in mine, but I will have cowboys and maybe a touch of magic. Definitely no manticores.)

Goddammit yankorro. My NaNoWriMo project is a Western set around turn of the 20th Century tech level. Now I can't post any of it without looking like a complete copycat. 

 

 

 

Although, really, if I want to get technical, Stephen King beat us both to it.

 

EDIT: Orrrrrr we can make it interesting and turn this into a competition...

I'll start with expectations. Obviously, there's gonna be a motherflipping manticore at *some* point in the story. Rose is also the protagonist, although with the first intro, it felt like the old man might be. I'd also wager that this is steampunk.

 

As for which one I like better, the second one. Marginally. It makes clear Rose's centrality to the story and is less Stephen King on detail ("I don't care what the leaves look like Steve, when's Roland going to be badass?") Frankly though, the dialogue needs work. The old man comes off like a stereotype of Southern gentility (which is wholly distinct from the Mescalero Southwest), while Rose is obviously a bat-crazy hick. I'm not especially invested in the characters or the story (what we've seen thus far). I'm fishing for a reason to keep reading and nothing's biting. 

 

Also, there's no way a horse could keep up with a train. There are far more efficient ways to guard a train without resorting to animal cruelty.

On a completely superficial note, I'm a bit averse to the title, simply because it's also a track by one of my favorite bands that is absolutely atrocious. Moving on...

 

I agree with McMillion about the phoenix feather thing. Rowling has a massive shadow on the genre. She and Pullman are your Scylla and Charybdis, at least for this piece. He also makes a strong point about the lack of buildup. The phoenix arrow is his last best hope. When it fails, he should despair. Immediately turning to his actual last best hope cheapens the moment. 

 

However, I am so down for an HF piece featuring mythic wossname. I just wish there was more to the story than what we see--it kind of feels like one of my submissions. I hate to see such potential squandered on flash fiction (no disrespect). 

Thanks for the feedback guys. Although, I do feel a bit foolish. I was rummaging through my email this morning--turns out I submitted the wrong draft. Oopsie. But given your comments, I think I may have to try and extend the piece, make it into a novella or some such, and resubmit. 

 

Also, McMillion jinni aren't thought to be like fae, it's an adaptation of my own. Unfortunately, quality djinn lore is rather difficult to find, all the more so for my lack of Arabic literacy. So I improvise, adapt, overcome. (And really, fae aren't terribly different than djinn, provided you're willing to blur some technical lines.)

Yes, Mandamon, Salim could have accused al-Siddiqah--however, there would have been severe repercussions. al-Siddiqah is one of the names for Aisha, the favorite wife of Muhammad (blessings and peace be upon him) who, interestingly enough, allegedly committed adultery in real life. But for Salim to accuse her of being complicit in their tryst...well, that would complicate things. [similarly, shahid is one of the titles that refers to the Prophet in the hadith. I would have named them directly, but for fear of causing offense; only those of an exceptionally acute mind would have noticed.]

 

And yes, I'm aware it lacks direction. It's not supposed to be purposeful, just a write-out of an idea that popped into my head. I probably won't be submitting anything serious in that sense until November (aka NaNoWriMo); however, a short story born of a similar impetus to this one will be along before then. Warning: it's an attempt at humor, so prepare for it to be very very bad.

Hey guys, thanks for reading. Whaddya think?

 

Obviously the title's rubbish, but other than that...

Doesn't like anybody's signed up for this week. I'll claim a spot.