jParker

Whoopsie. Re-sent.

Hey everybody. Let's hear it.

The other option would be to design them with bad aerodynamics that would make them corkscrew in every direction and change speed unpredictably

Like a sawed-off/blunderbuss? Because that seems like the most effective way of dealing with most Mistborn shy of using proximity-fuse rounds. And as you mentioned earlier, that's pretty much BFG territory. 

I wonder how frangible rounds would affect a bloodmaker...

Preemptive request for the 30th. Been a bit busy with some personal stuff, so this chapter's been a bit slow in coming.

I'm not sure why Hufi is so sadistic. I understand that there are people like him in real life, who deal out misery for no reason,but this isn't real life; it's fiction and things,for better or worse, have to make sense. The same can apply to Quilqi--what are her motivations? Is she acting in accordance with them? After Ichu, Silluka seems a bit tame. Probably a sign that she's the long arc protagonist, but she could use a bit more tension.

A stylistic thing: you use the phrase "none too stable" in two consecutive paragraphs describing the ladder. It's a bit jarring.

Additionally, are pictographs the most appropriate writing system for your civilization? It seems like hieroglyphics might be a bit more efficient, being able to describe literal things as well as phonemes. I know the Inca comparison keeps being made and they didn't even have a writing system. Other indigenous American civilizations used a variety of pictograms or glyphs. Just some food for thought.

I really liked Chatarra. Frankly it was everything that you do well in a compact package. Sympathetic characters, clear plot, excellent pacing. I would strongly recommend that you submit it for publication. 

In contrast to Mandamon, I think I understand why Subhash left. The portal didn't work for him, right? But he's not going to be deterred that easily. (Feel free to correct me--it is your work.)

Diamond, on the other hand, I'm not crazy about. You've got strong characters--though Mats could be a bit more present--but really no clear reason what Annie is doing. While some authors (e.g. Julian Barnes) make that kind of ambiguity work, here it's a bit less smooth. Most of Mandamon's comments apply here; I'd hate to repeat what's been said. 

Also, on a personal note, not crazy about how you write sex. But that's always tricky if an American audience is involved.

Still working my way through it, but the third paragraph almost hit me in the face. 

"his tattered cape that hung precariously from his shoulders"

Edna would be disappointed. (NO CAPES)

Helpful comments to come.

In contrast to andyk, I thought this was one of your weaker chapters. The plan to bring Aunt Harvest feels like it's a major thing, but the reasons for calling her feel contrived. We're getting a sensation of how big not enough food is in the past two chapters--a little extreme to call a god and potentially kill some people. It seems like calling the Capitol for help might be a better move.

However, I agree on the point that Ichu does seem to be behaving uncharacteristically. He's stoic, not a worrywort.

Additionally, out of curiosity, does Rohmert's law still apply in this world? What prevents Ichu (or any bodycaster) from ending up stricken after a Chayu wears off? (Similar to the issue of pewter raised in Mistborn by Ham.)

Andy hit the nail on the head. It was a strong piece of writing, excellently showcasing the magic system and performed the function of an interlude well. If you're having difficulty getting into this story, it isn't readily apparent.

Holy balls I love the interlude. Seriously dude, that is what you do well. 

Chapter Nine, on the other hand, fell flat for me. While I liked the interaction with the preacher, the rest of it seemed purposeless. Why the river crossing? Why is Milton doing things? Had Rose made a habit of visiting Mercedes? If so, why is she just now getting suspicious about Maxi? 

One highlight from the chapter though. The term "Moral Offense" seems to hint at an existing legal code that could be a very interesting piece of world-building. If so, good drop. If not, well...

And that's the problem I keep running into. When I was writing this in November, I had no idea where I was going. I was just writing to the next major scene I had envisioned. Now that I'm running back through, I'm sorely tempted to toss 90+% of the material out and start fresh. 

Alright gang, now that we've read it, let's hear our thoughts.

Note: I really don't like Elmer's wandering either (and he does more of it in 7), but I'm not sure how to do exposition on Legacy without it. Suggestions?

Mind if I take the fifth slot? Provided nobody else requests, of course.

  I have a world I'm excited to share, but it's not all coming across in the story, and that vague thing is what I need to fix.  

Thanks for not Tolkiening. I know everybody says infodumping's a turn-off, but if you've built your world half as well as I think you have, it's probably really hard not to do. So...yeah. Good stuff.

Two weeks in and I continue to be impressed. Contrary to the others, I actually have no problem with the anachronistic syntax. If anything, it seems like your society is an inverse of Clarke's Law--"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Why not have magic function as a technology? Any way, it works for me.

That being said, Silluka does seem a bit too clever/backbitey for her age and status (I'd say gender too, but I don't know enough about Huaca to claim misogynistic tendencies). While I like it in a protagonist, I'm not sure it's entirely realistic. Again, don't know your world well, but if I'm wrong, you may want to consider dropping a note in the text.

A bit sad to lose Silluka, but I'll keep reading eagerly, even more so once you get a good title. /wink

I hate to break with tradition, but I feel like I really missed out, like the potential of the pedophilic burlesque was really wasted--not only to show the perversion of civilization, but as an opportunity to learn more about Maxi (e.g. how he behaves). This is honestly one of my big issues with Manticore Rose.

It feels like most of the characters are just set pieces in a chase for a Manticore. But we don't really see much of the hunt either. So what we're left with is akin to a holocaust survivor, a shadow. I probably wouldn't have as much as an issue with this if we got either of the two, more character interaction or more cool manticore stuff. 

tl;dr Kinda confused. Now that you're doing what we asked (i.e. more action), you're doing what you do less well (slow-paced, vivid world). 

Yeah, I had the same feeling with those chapters. Honestly, trying to wrap up NaNo, I haven't had time to do any proper revisions. I'll probably abstain from posting for a few weeks so I can submit other than a first draft.

Hey gang. Welcome back. So now that we've seen the prologue, what do we think of more Elmer?

Off-topic: super glad that me and yankorro got you on the Western train. Less glad that you wrote it better than either of us (no disrespect yankorro). 

On-topic:

Holy rust this was good. While I didn't quite understand the rules behind the game (diamonds versus spades, etc.), it worked perfectly. There seems to be a logical system behind the devil's games of poker. There was steady buildup, great tension, good stakes. The only thing that didn't work for me was why Rick wanted to go back east. But frankly, that doesn't really matter to me. It was a strong piece and I look forward to a sequel, if there is one.

I guess I get the honors of first response.

Things I liked: the realism of the magic system. It seems to be based on yoga/kung fu, which are very physical, but also can create feelings of power when mastered. I'm usually not crazy about...unique magic systems, but I'm very intrigued by this one. 

Also, using a real-world outcast. So many heroic fantasies utilize beautiful people who are just barely down on their luck. But the deformed are almost universally spurned, cast out as Untouchable. Add in the fact that her mother's dead and father absent, Silluka becomes someone I'm automatically rooting for. 

However, the seeming meta of her sarcasm with the teenagers did not roll with me at all. It was a YA attempt at breaking the fourth wall, which naturally did not work. 

All in all, while this is a little traditional fantasy for me, I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment.

Pretty much all I have to do is learn a new instrument before next Thursday. Easy, right?

If it's guitar, yeah. Probably the easiest instrument to learn. I regret starting with it (sometimes).

Hooray! And next week won't have any chapters ending in sleep either. (Though the week after will.)

Well you'd best get on it then, huh? I mean shoot, it's not like you have *real* things with valid demands on your time.

Shocker, I'd like to submit again this week. 

Can we get some new blood? Like, anybody? 

I'm glad you brought that up. It's something that I really struggled with and continue to struggle with in writing this: how much emotion would an angel have? What would they think about our world? About us? And I try to explore that more, but that's several weeks of submissions from now.

Spoilers: it's not done very well.