Robinski

Hey, glad to be reading the next part of your story. Without further ado… I hope you don’t mind, but I've done separate in-line comments, which I will email to you. I felt there were quite a few niggly things, and I didn’t want to weigh the thread down with grammar stuff. I hope it’s helpful. “It would throw her off…” – I have found great benefit to my writing in getting rid of imprecise and unclear references. The word ‘it’ means absolutely nothing; it purely refers to something else. So, using ‘it’, and words like it, is a missed opportunity to add texture and meaning. My suggestion here then is to try something like “This mood would throw her off…”, or ‘there thoughts’—pretty much anything other than ‘it’ would be better. In a similar vein, when you are talking about emotions or thoughts, I think it’s a good idea to avoid imprecise words like ‘seem’ and ‘thought’ and ‘maybe’. These words make the reader doubt the character’s conviction, and that tends to translate into doubting the writer’s conviction. So, instead of saying “She seems snappier…”, why not say “She was snappier…”? I don’t see a reason not to, and I think the alternative is much better, leaving the reader certain of the emotion the character is feeling. I have a fairly consistent issue with the sentence structure. Is it just me? Maybe I'm wrong, but I would suggest doing some research on this. I’m finding a lot of the sentence breaks in what, to me, is the wrong place. There’s no law against having short sentences, one per idea, thought or action. Usually, it’s clearer. Try reading it out loud and see if you don’t think you are making longer pauses where, in fact you’ve got commas at the moment. If in doubt, start a new sentence, imo. I think it’s usually pretty clear (when reading aloud) where one thing (sentence) stops and another starts. “just what power they could attain from the deaths of others” – for me, this is a very black and white presentation of the issue, and possibly a bit naïve. Okay, she’s a young woman, so that it fine, and in character, I'm sure. So, please forgive me if I'm doing you a disservice, but it’s a good chance to discuss the issue. While some of the upper classes may be like this, it’s rarely so simple. I think stories or characters with very simple, black-and-white morality can feel a bit shallow. I’m not complaining about this part here, at all, because it’s in character, but what I'm hoping is that she does go out in the world and learns that not all of the upper class are pantomime villains. Even the worst of them might be wracked by guilt. I think there are some great examples of this complexity, like Denethor, Elend Venture (have to mention him, of course!!), MacBeth—in fact, pretty much any Shakespearian protag. They are pretty much never all good or all bad. “Nothing bad ever happened to royalty, nothing that couldn’t be solved or paid for” - <cough> Okay, now I know she’s being ‘deliberately’ naïve It’s a fantastic opportunity for character development of course, and I do enjoy stories where characters’ views of the world are transformed quite radically. I’m on board!! I just hope we get out into the world fairly quickly now, and don’t drag our heals on the farm. “soared in the air for a foot or so before losing altitude and hitting” – I would not characterise a foot in the air as soaring. Birds soar high in the sky. Also, I would not characterise a foot in the air being ‘altitude’, even though it is technically, it sounds too grand for the reality. “she ruffled a few of their feathers” – conventionally, this is a bad thing, ruffling someone’s feathers is to aggravate them. Is this something that hens like? Like patting a dog? Really? Also, when you said the hens perked up; do they do that? I have no idea. “The River---- farm was the second closest farm to the Wood----” – AHHHHHH!!!!! I get it now. These are family names. I did not think that was clear before, when you were talking about the farms. That's why I suggested deleting 'The' before the farm name. To be honest, those names sound very much like the names of places, much more than of people, and that is what threw me before. I think I would have benefited before from knowing that those were the names of people. On Page 5, you introduce a lot of people very quickly and there are a lot of rather inane (sorry), greetings. I skimmed over this. It’s no accident that people in TV shows and films do not speak all the greetings that we might when meeting someone. It’s because it’s totally predictable. It’s expected, and it’s good form, but it doesn’t make for good fiction. Also, I found it too many names to cope with at once, which just reinforced my inclination to skip ahead. Basically, it’s small talk. Sorry to sound harsh. “red triangular berries” – I would have said strawberries were conical; they have three dimensions, after all. “more green, unripe ones that would be ready tomorrow or the day after” – is that true, do they really ripen so quickly? Did you research that? I can’t help feeling that is unlikely, for a strawberry to go from green to ripe in 24 / 48 hours. I’ve done a little quick research and understand that (most) strawberries go from green, to white, to red. I don’t know, just, sceptical. Sorry, I lost it around Page 7 and had to stop. I’m afraid this is just not for me, but I want to put this into context. I don’t want you to think that I couldn’t hack it because there was insufficient violence, action or magic, etc. I am perfectly happy to read a slow burn of a novel. I have very broad tastes, taking in the classics, including Jane Austen, Dickens, Shakespeare, etc. Many of these works dwell on social graces and domestic situations, but first and foremost they entertain. I’m afraid I don’t care about who is marrying who and when the wedding is, or when the cherry picking will begin. Because I knew nothing about the characters, I had no reason to be interested in the minutiae of their lives. I have no problem in having a scene about this, as long as the story is on the way to somewhere more entertaining, but I think you could cut most of this and summarise greatly so that we can get on to Ar leaving the village and going out to explore the wider world. A little of the domestic stuff goes a long way. I would say very much that you need to get past it as quickly as you can. Sorry not to be more positive. I’ll be interested to read the comments of others now. Maybe it’s just me. Best of luck! <R>

You could always submit this week, before you get busy; there are a couple of slots left... Sorry, I couldn't resist it. It's my patriotic duty as a Scotsman to let no opportunity for irony / sarcasm to go 'unturned'.

Excellent, we'll look forward to reading that next week, yes?

You can do it, toomsta!!!

Yup, this is a good assessment. Even if excessive drinking could retrospectively erase parts of your past from memory (which it doesn't), there's no way you could specify which memories would be forgotten, your brain would decide on that for you. Most likely, it would not choose the ones you wanted to forget, but others that you would rather keep!! As @Belzedar says, drinking to forget is far more insidious in that, while conning you into thinking it is working (only to discover the next day that the effect isn't permanent), it is also destroying your internal organs and accelerating you to an early grave. However, the drinker will become addicted to that temporary oblivion and, most likely, stop caring about the temporary effects as they spiral towards their own destruction.

Hey everyone, So, after missing a week, I'll do a short recap. Chp1 - We join Q&M in small-town Canada, at the exciting denouement of the Gren. case, which they wrap up with only a little shooting and a small armchair fire. Chp2 - Q&M, after helping the police with their enquiries, chill out and consider their next case. There are several exciting options, but they tend towards the closest one, because they're that lazy. Chp3 - Q&M head to the airport to meet their client. There is a plane crash. That cannot be good. Coincidence? Chp4 - We meet Eve and Tania up in Yellowknife, where they are busy building genetically-engineered fantasy creatures as a support function of humanity's burgeoning terra-forming industry. Here is Chapter 5. Whatever pops into your head, good or bad, please to share. I'm especially interested in chapter arc, which your guys have never let me off with anyway, but I'm now trying to pre-think it, then delivery it. Best, Robinski

Hey, excited to read some of your writing. Let’s get right into it. I'm a bit disoriented. There’s a ledge, a chasm, a cliff and a pass, but I don’t really know how they fit together, what the topography looks like. If they are in a cavern, I wouldn’t be thinking of it as a pass, which I would not expect to have a roof. Description often gets a bad rep, but it’s important to place the reader’s mental picture in the scene. I would say the odour cannot breathe into someone’s nostrils. A cavern has a roof, which is referred to, but they are in a ‘coverless pass’? I’m very confused by the blocking. Not knowing how the characters relate to the setting makes it difficult to get invested in the scene. At isn’t described, other than to say she wriggles like a worm, so I'm not sure how to picture her. Characters seem to appear out of nowhere, they just arrive and are introduced, but I don’t know how they’ve got there. The problem with using an action scene, a fight scene especially, to introduce characters is that it’s hard to feel any investment in the stakes, because one doesn’t know (or really care) for the characters yet. This makes it so important to introduce them instantly. And I don’t just mean their names, but showing their character and background almost instantly in order for the reader to have a reason to root for them. Whole body quivering, I would say, rather than quavering. I did start speed-reading before this, for the reasons noted. I did dwell on the description of the golden swords, which was cool. I mentioned not being invested in the fight, which remains, but not only that, the reader is not actually involved in the fight, but is witnessing it second hand from the viewpoint character. I feel like there are various things that are dropped in but not explained, life the Delf. I see then that it’s a place, but is it a country, a city? I like the description of the land being stained by the bodies of the fallen enemy. Very effective, and with a distinctly epic fantasy/legend tone. I’m puzzled that there is no mention now of Th’s family. Did I skip over something and they died? Would his first thought not be for them? “He did like the look of the trees.” This is just not a strong enough line, and it weakens Th as a character. It’s a phrase that doesn’t actually mean anything. Why does he like the trees? Are they inspiring, do the look beautiful, remind him of his mother, his own home? I think this is part of the central difficult with this week’s part of story, it tends to be rather superficial, not deep enough to make me feel who the characters are and, more importantly, what they want and why. Don’t abbreviate to Mt. Overlook in narrative, it’s a novel, not a technical report. No numbers, no abbreviations. Not knowing why Th is worthy of all this attention from his lord, it’s difficult to buy it. What’s special about him? Is he a chosen one? Why would the lord single him out? The Dark Lord? Hmm; pretty much every second story used to have a Dark Lord: it’s not enough. Have you listed to Writing Excuses and heard any of the casts on low-hanging fruit? I think that is at the heart of many of my issues. Don’t just pick the first name/title for your main antagonist, you need to go past that, and look further. Discard the next choice too. You need to find something that is uniquely yours, and doesn’t sound generic. I think some of your character names are good, and I especially like Atla…, and how it is heavy with vowel sounds. I know ‘Dark Lord’ is absolutely clear and obvious, but it’s very generic and pretty boring. “the eye pierced him” – So, you are full square in the middle of Tolkien territory here. Please be very cautious about how you proceed. We now have a Dark Lord, and an all-seeing eye(?). Whilst I am fairly interested in learning about the valour crests, this is really quite info dumpy. Are you familiar with the phrase maid-and-butler? It means one character telling another character something that they should and would already know. I think you need to make it clear that Th doesn’t know this legend before you have Ten recount it to him. I’d like to see Th questioning much earlier why the loird has picked him out to see this. I’d also like to ‘hear’ him thinking about him family, and making sure they all got out. I still don’t know what makes Th tick as a person, or why I should care about him. It was a bit odd to hear that lord set out Th’s motivation, rather than Th himself. I want to feel his own emotion though him. I want (to try) to identify with him as a character. So, Th’s family is gone? I must have skipped over that bit, but I didn’t really seem to be affecting him on the walk up here, or when he was with the other men, watching the battle. He seems cracked up now, but I would have thought it would have dominated his thoughts after the battle, or at least to be aware of him being choked up, blocking it out. The Dark Lord is dead? Who are the Inds? Point of view issues here. We were in Th’s POV, now we have drifted off with one of the other two men. I didn’t really get a sense that Th was a stout heart. I like your experiment of putting the title after the prologue. I also like the short section of At’s POV, although I was confused at the end. Is the Dark Lord dead then? And does the ‘last scream’ mean that Atl is too? Maybe I'm supposed to be confused, but I’d rather not be at this stage. In summary, I struggled to get into this because I didn’t feel anything for the characters. Pretty much they were soldiers fighting a powerful enemy that I didn’t have any reason to despise in the way that they did. The point of view shifts around towards the end, but Th’s was not central to the action, and I felt removed from it, largely for that reason. I find your narrative style good. I didn’t feel any great urge to stop and comment about grammar, although some of the word choice was a little strange. Still, having that direct, clear narrative, I think, is a great foundation for a story. My main comment would be that the characters are not as interesting as I would like. I feel very little for them. I talked about depth, and I think shallowness is what they suffer from, and it’s a barrier to me investing in the story. Plot-wise, ahhh; it’s really fairly generic. There are so many stories about an ancient evil imprisoned that rises again to threaten the world. I can’t really bring myself to get excited about it. The same comment about low-hanging fruit also applied to plot. Come up with an idea, abandon it instantly, and push further. Come up with six different ideas, never stick with the first one. Pick the one your most excited about. This was (near enough) a prompt from Writing Excuses some seasons ago. That stuff just works, I promise you. I hope to see more of your writing. Thanks for submitting! <R>

It's me, not you, of course I think if I was tired, I would tend to put it down and pick up again when I was more alert. Sign of age?!

Looking forward to Part 2 Has he not sniffed already, as he’s detected the musk? The use of ‘their’ before the word ‘Ben…’ threw me off. Doesn’t seem to be a reason not to switch it. We are now getting emotion from Man, which is good. “that was a far second in their thoughts” – must say that this sounds inelegant compared to the conventional phrase ‘distant second’. I think “Hallways branched off…” is part of the next paragraph describing the building. “nestled beneath the light of two of the massive walls that gave light through the Nether” – awkward phrasing, and repetition of ‘light’. ‘Little revelation’ seems like an oxymoron. Surely, a revelation would be huge. Whereas maybe insight could be (a) little (at a time). “I felt that would eventually lead to failure, but I also had many other projects to work on” – I don’t follow this bit. The last sentence doesn’t seem to follow the logic of the paragraph. “They might have ben of an age” – typo, ‘been’, obvs. “thin blueish panes of his face” – typo? Also, in the next sentence. This description feels odd. “His ever-moving hands” – compound adjective. “Quickly, give it here. “ ” “had reacted similar to Moor” – similarly. “members secret,” I said, “Why have a compulsion” – For me, this is a new sentence, if you're going to use a cap. Otherwise, it’s part of the same sentence, and should be ‘why’. “The prototype to show to the Assembly was not ready” – but wasn’t that what he took to the speaker’s room? Or was that just a model? I forget. “gently poked my in the chest” – typo. “This was the most candid the guarded Ben had ever been” – these two ‘opposites’ so close together are awkward. “most of the passages” – typo, I think. “Some lived here all the time, but others shared their time in P with socializing with other…” – grammar here is off. “I smoothed the small beard I had attempted to cultivate in recent months” – if he can smooth it, then he has succeeded already in cultivating it. “And what about Majus I’s work…” – caps when it’s a title. Ben talks about being very young, then gives a precise date. That sounded weird to me, because being young does not come with a precise date, of course. Ben then talks about finishing the apprenticeship, which is more precise, so I think it’s just the order of the statements. The first sentence of the announcement is a bit of a lung-buster! ‘Gloom----- Prison’ for me, as it’s the name of the place. “their sound magics” – as in audio, as in music, as in old-fashioned term for the symphony? “More advanced, certainly” – I think people need to be or have something that is more advanced, rather than them being more advanced in general terms. For example, people’s sense of fairness is more advanced, their understanding of complex political and social issues is more advanced. Not sure I see the need for the chief of the society to be on the Council, or even for the goals to be aligned. Something about the logic here felt fuzzy to me. “They knew everything about me—plenty to reduce my standing” – I tripped over this twice. I guess it means ‘enough’? “The murder of Speaker is a big mess. Wouldn’t the Assembly be open to the work we do here if we told them?” – I don’t see the connection between these two sentences, or the logic of the progression. “a bark, more than mirth” – A bark can contain mirth, surely? ‘Mirthless bark’ would be clearer. “Such an individual would be very powerful” – I feel like this statement needs to be qualified, also very bland, considering the implications. E.g. ‘If ever such an individual survived long enough to use their abilities, they would be immensely powerful.’ (p.s. ‘very’ sounded quite weak to me.) “in the great universe” – this adjective seems unnecessary, especially when you have the Grand Symphony as well. The discussion has turned to the Society being a quasi-military organisation. I feel that I'm disappointed by that, because it starts to takes the story out of the mystery/criminal realm, and into the sphere of a spy story. I’m thinking of the Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes movies, which I think are still my favourites (on the basis that Sherlock, with every episode now, dispenses more and more with the DNA it shared with Conan Doyle’s work, to its increasing detriment, imo). Those films became increasingly propagandist, not surprising considering they first was 1939, but it changed them. Why is Man the only choice to lead the Society forward? I don’t think that’s been earned, seems like a jump to me. I forget what actions of Man’s have left him with nowhere else to go. I found this part rather slow, quite a bit of exposition, and rather wordy—which I suppose are all pretty much the same thing. Perhaps a little repetitive too. I know you’ll go over these things in the edit, though. So, I'm no overly worried at this point. I just feel this section could be a fair bit more economical. I understand and completely defend your admirable choice of making a Ben a main character, but it doesn’t help with the flow of the story. With the pronouns and their mode of speech, it’s a bit of a double whammy. It’s consistent though (with the D-verse), and it’s not pretending to be anything it’s not, so kudos for that. I’m hoping the pace picks up in the next part, which I'm looking forward to. <R>

Thank you Well enough to ask <sheepishly> for a slot for tomorrow, but only if there is plenty of room, as I dropped the ball last week. (Get your free Super Bowl analogy here: this weekend only!!)

Sorry guys, I've taken a slot and I'm not sure if I'll be able to submit this week. I'm not feeling at all well, and rather foolishly decided on Sunday to combine two chapters which, of course, has taken much longer than I'd hoped. Not sure if I'll manage any critiquing Sorry again.

It is, and I'm expecting them all to be autographed by the authors

I'm totally happy to accept that, but I didn't even know (I don't think) that that was his type of background, so my image of him after three books was different, or possibly blank, in terms of background. I therefore probably projected my own sensibilities onto him, as a large, bearded, white bloke.

https://www.offworlddesigns.com/dublin-slices-t-shirt/ https://www.offworlddesigns.com/dublin-in-2019/

Ah-ha!!! It's all down to the deep-seated connection between the Celtic races, the synergy between the Irish and the Scots and the magic of the fae that link our ancestors going back through the mists of time... ...and the internet. Mostly the internet, in fact

So, I've started packing for ReCon 2019

<Thumbs Up> would be nice

I would like to submit on Monday if there is room, but happy to sit back if not, as I've had 4 goes recently.

I really appreciate you digging into this, Curiosity. It's been very helpful to the re-analysis of this strand if the chapter. Because of earlier changes and work on E's motivations and goals, I've kept the non-touch actually, but hung a lantern on it (as Brandon would say), by folding into the thread that now runs through the chapter (I hope!). Excellent point, and I trust I will watch out for this at other key moments. **Assuming you meant this in relation to the scene, and not the general principle.

Tarnation! There's nothing new under the sun, as someone once said. Who was that...? <G**gles> Oh, yes, it was God. A phrase adapted from the Book of Ecclesiastes; the author complains frequently in the book about the monotony of life. The entire passage reads, “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.” Thanks, toomsta. I'll just write it the best I can and see if I can make mine better!! <clenches fist determinedly, like the infant in all those memes>

So cool! I've seen it in passing, but never zoomed in on the detail. Awesome. Down to the mirror in the bathroom. Very neat. Yes, minifies also acceptable Yeah, it's just my stuck-in-the-mud, son-of-imperialist-pig-dogs bias showing, I'm sure. Britain used to be great, you know?! Fair. My whole plan for the MP crew was to have them all, even Nick (although less so than the others) be morally grey. I just never thought of him being that heartless. Towards alien beachballs who hurt his friends, sure, but towards the cradle of humanity, Mother Nature, Gaia? I'm not going to lie, it hurt a bit. I didn't think that's who he was. Lol, of course: it's the obvious flip-side of blowing, after all

Hey, thanks for 'having another go' at this, Splinter. Your comment about the satanic chill alone is a great motivator that I'm on the right track with this scene, in that respect. I'll take another look at the sexual dynamics when I read it through again once all the other fixes are in. <salutes>* *Hey @Silk, can we get some more emoticons around here?

Hey ID, always please to have tour comments, which are never dull, and always make stuff better Yeah, E has much more in the way of motivation and goals now. Season 13 of WE is telling me the same things. It's like everyone is shouting the same thing at me... ...in a good way! Another vote for mad scientist with crazy creatures, and dinosaurs. Hurrah! I'll think on this. It is a bit of a sledgehammer, but you kinda confirm that the detailed dates might be skipped over by more people than read them. We'll see. Yes, okay. I think it's clear enough by the end of the chapter that she is very capable, and I start laying that out from the start, I think, but I accept that it appears she only got the job because of Approach (C), even though (A) and (B) show her being resourceful. I'll try and fix that. LOL - yes; it's a deal. My pleasure. Yeah, yeah--nanomachines---I get it Thank you, ID. Great comments, much appreciated. <R>

Response: Part Deux! I think that's right. Book 1 starts on Earth, then goes in a space elevator to a settlement on the Moon. I think if anything, if you'd read Book 1, you'd be thinking this wasn't very SF in Chp. 1 to 3, what's going on? I think we're good. But Mand, Kais and I-Dragon all read Book 1, so I'm content that they'll call me out if M&Q's stuff is a bit too Little House on the Prairie. Hmm. There seems to be a little bit more on the plus side for this, but maybe on 2-1 so far. I'll see how the vote is by the end of the critiques. Very much edited now, so hopefully these aspects are better. Thanks for calling it. And thank you for all your comments. Really helpful

Hey toomsta, I'm really glad you had the energy to read this! I've really appreciated your comments these past couple of weeks. Non-specifics are just fine. If you're toiling over it, then there's a good chance something isn't right somewhere. Hmm, can I ask from where? X-files by any chance? I don't say that because it was a conscious inspiration, but I could well be an unconscious one, I have just realised! That's cool. Very pleased. As I said to Kais, I've punched up her motivation and given her specific goals. I'm all caught up with Writing Excuses now, so keeping pace with the new season (13) which is all on character. It's super helpful and I'm trying to apply some of it right now in fixing E in this chapter. Thanks for calling me on it. Okay. For what it's worth, I already punched up Chp 3 in response to the previous comments, so I hope it's a bit stronger. I'll see how it plays next time I submit the story somewhere. Thanks for this thought. This stuff is gold dust, even just to see how many people mention certain things. Cool Yeah, all over that. Thanks for adding to the clarion call of 'That's wrong!' Good shout. I moved on too quickly from this, it doesn't sound right, I agree. Researching it however, I see that gut is defined as stomach or belly, and yet the diagrams show stomach higher up than the belly, and all the intestines below it. When spilling guts is talked about, it's almost always in reference to intestines snaking all over the place. Anyway, if there's any chance it causes doubt, I'll try another word. It was an experiment, now gone. [Not done, but I was getting nervous about Safari crashing on me again. To be continued...]