Robinski

Happy New Year, and I will start on TCC, if I may

<cough> So, <cough> this is a bit late, but I hope that the comments are still of some use <cough>. I've emailed line-by-lines back to you. I think this is certainly better than the first version, but I still had some issues. - The opening is much sharper, I thought. Straight into the conflict and also early reveal of the political stuff; - There are still some dips in pacing, particularly when they are talking about clothes; - I think the arrival of the Pres at their home could be clearer and more dramatic; - If the HP is preaching about the Ard legacy, does that not put him on the side of the And, and against the Pres? - Something seems out of step with the number of warnings. he says no more, but he's just in fact given her one more--it seemed to me; - I like the 'nowhere on this planet' line; - To me, tousle is something you do to someone else's hair, not your own; - There are line about cotton instead of rayon and I totally did not get the significance of that. It seems superfluous; - Seemed to me that the door of the presidential skiff opened twice. This is followed by a description of the guards and their attire that really drained the tension of the scene away, for me anyway; - It totally did not get the point of the ship's screen being set up to disguise the fact that it was rising. What was the point of that? Surely, if you're exiling someone, it really does not matter; - The end left me a bit cold. I didn't really feel the desperation. Then again, the reality, presumably, would be that I'm sitting holding a book or reading a file, and I know that I'm only 25% of the way through, so I know I'm going too get to read what happens next. In summary, definitely an improvement on numerous fronts, but still with some issues, imho. <R>

Thank you I went for SF, as I'm not sure TMM is 'out there' enough to be WTF. Maybe it's the order thing. Anyway, it's cool. Thanks for the offer, but my order is complete and winging its way to me even now!!

It's done. TMM submitted to Angry Robot. That is easily the most exciting thing I have done in my writing 'career'. I want to do it again!! (I think...) So much work went into it, especially in the final few days. A drop in the bucket of what went before, of course, but it just feels so intense making those final preps etc. Intense and exciting. And sorry for the last minute flurry of PMs and text 'clips', etc. Anyway, this is a 'thank you' to everyone who got me this far, and who made the story so much better than it was to begin with. I could not have made it what it is now without you. Thanks to all, but especially @kais, @Mandamon, @rdpulfer and @industrialistDragon. If this sounds like an acceptance speech, it's only my acceptance of the inevitability of rejection

Always! I was just doing edits from a critique of the 1st 180 pages from Mrs. Robinski. Almost ready to go... except really not ready at all!! I've printed all the front end stuff out to do an out-loud reading, and will pick that up. There's a payoff at the end. I forget now that you guys probably have not read the scene I inserted. Thank you for those most helpful comments

This is not necessarily a bad thing

Hey kais, I really appreciate the comments. New sentence... Yeah, should have been 'had been' - thanks. I think I've gone through all of these. Most helpful. If tightened up the synopsis, and filled gaps. I'm going to print it, read it, beta it, then edit again I've tried to add some references. Still just within the two pages!! Got it. I've edited it fairly hard. Hopefully more engaging now. Excellent!! I actually dialled it up a bit more. I'm going to PM it to you gotcha Well that's just excellent!! Mission accomplished. It's the biggest addition in any one place, but I have tried to dial up M's involvement and agency in key locations, plus putting down some groundwork (hurrah for foreshadowing) for future episodes. Super-helpful comments. Thank you so much.

I must have been up to my eyeballs around that time. Have just been on Amazon and see that they are out of stock, but there are other sources.

What did you expect? He's been consorting with Sanderson for years now

And hey, @kais, nice to see you having an 'avatar' image after all this time. Could that perhaps be an extract from a certain cover? What's the latest on the publication schedule?

Hey ID, thanks for reading. I've moved Cal's chapter back so that we start with Q, then M's chapters. So, it's 35 pages of Q & M before the 3rd POV appears. I think that's the closest I can get to avoiding POV overexposure. I also hope that I've improved Moth's first chapter with a better conclusion. Submitting to Angry Robot tomorrow, I think. Although, I'm still confident I can make the story better. Arrggh. Oh well, nothing ventured, etc.

Many thanks for reading, Mand, much appreciated. Excellent (I think.) Yup, I've fixed that. I know it's rather cheeky but, as I'm going to sit back from submitting after I get TMM off to Angry Robot (I think), I'm going to stick my neck out and message you the additional text that I've added to the chapter. Feel free not to comment though, because it really is quite cheeky of me... Thank you

Hey kais, thank you so much for reading. I take your point, but my concern would be not to make her seem like a caricature of a wayward teen. I'm hoping that she is something more, or at least different. Well, wouldn't you know it? I just found 563 words in my back pocket, and have added an exciting conclusion to the chapter!! Thanks for that: good suggestion. I've added another 'try/fail' in this conversation, which enabled me to get another bit of background in there I went for 'floating'. Thank you again, great comments!

I'm there!! p.s. - How have I been on the Internet since 1990 and never used Reddit before? (Rhetorical question) p.p.s - If Rhett Butler asked himself a rhetorical question would a world-ending paradox ensue?

Hey, thank you so much for reading, toomsta. I really appreciate you jumping into something like this, and will be fascinated in your reactions to things like character and style when you essentially will be able to totally divorce them from plot and setting. Interesting. I'm trying to decide what to take from that, as the title seems to achieve attracting attention but then, ultimately, fails. That's just Q really, and I'll take it under advisement on the basis that you haven't had the chance to 'read into' him through the story, as it were. Fair comment, and I can see how it would be problematic dropping in at this point. They don't spend much time 'on screen' together but again, I'll think on that further. It is. It's intended to be pigeon Slavic. Rather mannered, I know, but I was trying to distinguish the voices. I didn't get too many negatives from the full submission. Excellent! You're the first positive for, I think. I figured it would land for some and not others. I reckon it only really works if it's taken way too far I do tend to agree. Because of the nature of M (and I'm so pleased she works for you), I have steadily replaced almost all cuss words that Q uses. I just feel it would be unrealistic to remove them all. This said, they need to work in context of course. Maybe Q's last few will go in the end too. Yeah, take your point. There's a theme in M's internal monologue of her trying to treat her new position as embarking on her first career, so this sort of thought makes more sense when you've read with the first 22 chapters!! Err, that's a note to self. Why put that in text instead of as a tracked comment, all of which I removed for submission, I do not know!! Fair point. I'm hoping to get other critiques from those who have read the whole story, but that doesn't mean it will be any clearer to them! It's one of my main failings to assume that the reader can read my mind, or rather will jump to the same conclusions that I do. Alternatively, it probably just needs a little more explanation at the start of the scene. M is Italian, but how would you know that? And I appreciate it all the more that you did. Thank you again! I just subbed the whole chapter, but the Q bit is the continuation of the previous scene. @kais, @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon--I think--would willing to vouch for this Thank you so much for reading, toomsta, I really appreciate that. It's so valuable to get a fresh perspective at this point, even if it's hampered by you only getting a snapshot at Chp23 out of 33! Tangents are sort of my Achilles heal, so that's a fair point. Thanks again!

I'd be happy to read them

Comments Why would the language of A just be “made-up gibberish”? As a story opening, I'm not bowled over. It seems rather intricate and wordy, lacking punch, lacking a hook to snag my attention. “tried better to communicate” – or ‘tried to communicate better’. Anything but what’s on the page, imo “mellowed a lot of range rage” Why would the guard be defeated because the An had failed? A harvest(?) failing is not really a defeat, which is how the description sounds. Also, should be Guard officer, guardsman or something. I'm really not convinced ‘Guard’ should be capitalised here. I guess if I was reading this as a devotee of the series, I would be intrigued, but I'm not sure I would be gripped or entertained. The story is called ‘Survival’, but I'm not feeling the stakes that are implied by the title. “which N didn’t get at all.” – I feel like the word ‘get’ here is really weak, compared to ‘understand’, ‘couldn’t figure’ “back-alley spaceport” “She didn’t have a family” – She’s still got a family, unless she thinks they have disowned her? Unclear. But her uncle’s not reaching across the stars, because she’s still in orbit around the planet, is she not? I’m 3½ pages in and the biggest question is how the Min knows N’s uncle. I appreciate that a completist might find this interesting, but at what point does it harm the main trilogy because it lacks the mystery, intrigue, action and/or stakes of a stand-alone short story with now associated IP? I don’t really understand “recreation centre of the systems”. It’s crazy to think that each and evert planet would not have its own recreation centre. Think of Earth. How many recreation centres are there? 10, 15, 20 on one planet? The thought that you have to up and go to another planet to have fun is kind of ridiculous, surely. “It’d be a place to get lost, where just another biped wouldn’t make any difference to anyone. No one would know who she was. Maybe she could find a job. An- help her, maybe she could call home.” – To me, this, at the foot of Page 5, is the conflict of the story, and the first time I’ve felt any real emotion from N or for her. I think you could really play up her being abandoned, set adrift by her people and left to die, and that this is a chance at salvation. I’ve just not feeling the depth of emotion that I would want to. I'm not feeling anything like desperation, or even anger or frustration, from N. For me, I think this should be way up near the front of the story. “box-type machine” If the primer is a banned text, why didn’t they delete it? Seems convenient. I’ve reached the start of the second scene on Page 7, and I'm trying to remember anything from the first scene that would dissuade me from suggesting that you start this story here, with N arriving at the spaceport, where there is the drama of the surroundings and the environment: the noise; the colour; N’s anger at everyone, including the Min. I’m not coming up with anything that could not be cut-and-pasted into the this second scene. I mean, metal coffins and cheating death? I just think there is already much more drama and tension in the first half page of this second scene. Yes, as I continue to read, I’m confronted by N’s need to search for clothing and shelter, and having no material resources. The first scene starts with her being ‘rescued’, which automatically has less tension and conflict than this scene. “it looks like a small animal has taken residence on your face” – Lol. “with maddening calmness” – ? Yeah, the whole scene with the Ri- is much more entertaining and engaging, tense too, than the scene with the Min. The fact that both have a language barrier is realistic, of course, but second time around we’ve seen it already, although I think it is done better than the first time. In enjoyed the second scene a good deal. I could have done without the first scene pretty much entirely, I think. I am very keen to read the next scene, as I am presuming that N will meet you-know-who. I’ still not feeling the title, because I just don’t feel there is any thread to N, so it’s not really a matter of survival. Judging from what she says, welfare services would have stepped in if she looked in any danger of starving, becoming suicidal, etc. etc. Nice job on the second scene <R>

Hey, no problem. Don't get used to it; I'm not usually that fast Yes, totally. I think what threw me was that maybe she comes over a bit older than 10 years-old, I thought. I take your point. I didn't explain well what I was getting at. My concern was that the alley was quite close, and by the time she finished noodling around P would have walked past it. Okay, I got confused because H said he was not S----born, but I was sure that it was I- who had manifested the vision of H somehow, therefore it felt to me like she was saying she wasn't S----born. Also, I think I might have misread with the first reference, when she is talking about her gift being rare - which probably didn't help! I certainly will take that bit back. There are other ways to imply rarity of course. It's probably more poetic, and almost clearer too, so say something like, 'Her gift was one in a million', i.e. to show, not tell. In that case, pretend I didn't say anything I guess because P is totally convinced that H is real, it just like some guy getting mugged in an alley--hence, no particular feeling of magic, even when H is shifting around, for me anyway. For conveying of magical feeling, I think you might have dwelled more on P's sense of wonder at H's shifting, or some of the other things that P has heard that S----born can do, allegedly. Smiling because the guy is fat? Hmm... This is straying toward stereotype, which is what I was hinting at. In my first novel (long, long ago...), I included the line 'Never trust a fat man'. I was trying to highlight a flawed thought process; that a chr who was fat was indulgent, therefore most likely greedy, and therefore bad (at heart). BUT, that was a gross generalisation (made in my callow youth, and which I am not proud of), even though I was trying to highlight the wrongness of it, and it quite clearly being unfair and untrue. Rather clumsily, I'm just trying to highlight a tricky area, and that--when it comes to physicality--one person's humour can be another's offence. Yup, threadbare and dirty thieves? It's pretty much a stick-on comparison with Fagin and crew, for someone of my age, anyway If you've time to comment on my submission, that would be great. You can pretty much ignore the first bit, as it includes a synopsis of the whole story (and a summary of the next two books)!!

Hey, welcome to Reading Excuses! Lot of new submitters to the forum at the moment, but I never tire of reading new submitters; love that anticipation of something new! Off we go. First line is fine for me; pretty much impossible to stop reading. Typo: ‘barley’ > ‘barely’. “she prepared herself for the inevitable” – I was hoping for a bit more defiance, to be honest. Para. 3 is rather wordy and the punctuation is a bit random. I like some of the imagery, and that you’re going for a vivid picture: just needs tidying up. ‘conjuring’ used in successive paragraphs is a bit much. “I- steeled herself, and returned returning the gaze of the man who had once been like a father to her. He seemed much different now, his face still young but somehow appearing older, as if ragged at its edges.” – I'm so tempted to go wild with line edits, but I’ll restrain myself due to time pressures. Still, there are some good examples of the wordiness I was referring to. It’s not huge, just extra words that get in the way and reduce the ease and flow. Also, why is ‘Father’ capitalised? Unless it’s in the name/title of a priest, then no caps required. Typo: “He paused a moment, starting staring at his hands” – also, comma required. Why it ‘lightning’ capitalised? In the next paragraph, it’s not. I would encourage you not to go around capitalising stuff that doesn’t need it. I am very strongly of the opinion that it makes the reader stop and wonder why it’s capitalised. Look at published works of your favourite authors, I think you will find very little capitalisation, apart from names of people and places. “…overcast sky painting the clouds a light green. The smell of fresh rain sitting on the breeze as it came in off the sea, though despite the threat of it, there had been none.” – This is not the first time you’ve done this. The second bit is part of the same sentence, not a new one, but also is a run-on sentence, once you’ve joined the first part. Same again with the next sentence “…goosepimples in her flesh, her relief only fleeting as the press of the crowd cut off the wind.” “If only you could have the city, without the people” – okay, I get it, but then you wouldn’t have the readily available food, etc. The thought, as expressed, makes her seem a bit naïve. Typo: “This a is just a little insurance.” I'm enjoying your descriptions, that you're seeking to give colour to the world. That’s often missing from some of the submissions around here. Usual point about tidying up, but I enjoyed the image of F that you left me with. Nice touch about the girl not having touched money. These are the little details that can set your work apart. I would say you need one of practically every page, but there’s no substitute for these little unexpected details to take a reader deeper into the story and the characters. The bit about her finding herself alone in the city was sort of brushed over. I want to know the how and the why, but that’s good. I-‘s mark being a fat man is, arguably, a bit of a stereotype, kind of low-hanging fruit, if you're familiar with the expression. “…revelled in that comfort, soaking up the beauty…” – another recurring issue, there are a fair few commas missing. Have you read your story out loud? It’s an awesome and very easy (if time-consuming) hack to see where the pauses (and therefore commas, etc.) should be. Also, it’s sooo valuable for refining the dialogue. I don’t think a passageway can be nefarious. I don’t think nefarious is a passive thing, but should be attached to an action. Also, the timeline here confuses me. If I- is some distance behind the man (maybe 10 yards?), but she can see the alleyway, I want her to feel the need to act quickly before the man walks past. I’m not feeling any urgency here. You kind of devalue S----born straight away by implying that it is not rare, but certainly in seeming to belittle it in the way that I- thinks about it. I do like this punchline on Page 6 though, it does dial up the tension and make I- look competent, which is good! “Other people were, in general, the worst.” – I believe you need another comma where you are splitting out a phrase like ‘in general’. Also, I don’t like ‘the worst’ which, for me, is a modern expression in a setting with a historical tone. Personally, I think dialogue, internal monologue and narration in a fantasy story is way more effective if it keeps a tone that the reader would expect for the equivalent historical period. For example, I wouldn’t expect someone to say, ‘That’s groovy’ or ‘You’re so street’, or something like that. I’ll admit this instance of ‘the worst’ is a fairly mild example. Repetition of ‘face’ in the same sentence when P is confronted. Who is ‘H’ and how does the name come out in P‘s Point of View? H saying that P won’t remember him sounded a bit odd to my ear. Typo: “steading steadying himself with his arms” Grammar: “Every one of the were was sent…” “An Anger boiled up inside him.” – Something that I continue to work on in my writing is being more direct. It sort of comes back to the extra words point I was making earlier on. Here, for example, I think the emotion if more immediate if you drop the ‘And’, which doesn’t add anything. “city watch” – was capitalised before, and I have no objection to that, as it’s the name of the organisation. “the blade catching spittle from his mouth” – here’s another one of those nice details I mentioned earlier on. Grammar: “He didn’t notice the small girl that who crept out of the shadows”. Also, he does notice her, it’s the first thing he does, both in the narrative, then in his thoughts in the very next line. I’ve grumbled about some grammar and style stuff but, overall, I enjoyed this. The prologue sets up a mystery of sorts, and the style is engaging enough that I’m drawn on to read the first chapter. I’ll mention again that wordsmithing would dial it all up another notch or two, and improve the flow. I enjoyed the description. I thought the introduction of the magic was a bit confusing in terms of being S----born, but not S----born, and if not then what? I think that could be tidied up. I'm still not really clear on it. The magic itself, while clearly useful in a practical sense, didn’t seem very magical. It would have been nice to see I- casting and invoking the magic at the end of the POV, I think. Or maybe that would spoil the tension, but worth trying to see how it plays, I think. So, I'm on board and keen to read some more of the story. One thing I would watch out for is your characters falling into cliché: the fat mark, the unkempt thieves. Not bad, but I would recommend always thinking in everything you do how you will make it stand out, feel different from other, similar, works. Have you read Lies of Locke Lamora? I rest my case. Nice work. Hope you will submit again soon! <R>

Hey everyone, This is an isolated scene, and most likely it will mean more to the few who have read the whole story previously, but I also would welcome anyone's comments as to whether it is entertaining. The scene (which follows the submission info at the front) is designed to give M more agency and play a bigger part in the story. For those who don't know, M is 14 year-old, and Eight is her android companion. The info at the front is the material I need to submit to Angry Robot, and I would really appreciate comments from those with submission and publication experience on how this does. It's Draft 1/2, but I don't have much time left to rework it. Finally, Merry Christmas everyone!! Or happy alternative winter festival, for those who don't do the MC thing. Best, Robinski

This person wants to read it

I agree with toomsta Can't recommend reading out loud highly enough. You'll see in about 5 seconds flat what works and what is a problem. It won't solve everything, but it reveals an amazing amount. I did wonder if that might be the case. Sooo, important for a prologue to be interesting, engaging and relevant. But you know that. This was probably my main concern. As the forum's resident old codger, I have read any awful lot of hero's journeys, to the point that I really wouldn't care if I never read another one. It's been done soooo many times, and will continue to be done, but it really needs to have something different and fresh about it to make that trope work in today's SFF environment. I hope that everything works out. As kais said, it never means giving up on the story, but it does mean there is always lots of work to do.

I love the anticipation of reading a new submitter for the first time. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to it. Hopefully these comments are still useful. So, couple of pages in, like just about everything, the language could be tidied up for flow and rhythm, some work repetition close together. Wordsmithing, as they refer to it on WE. But that’s fine. The setup of the bastard son is engaging enough, if not exactly uncommon, but I'm okay with that so far. The female characters are not very well served so far. One is pessimistic and desperate for a child, the other is spiteful and jealous? It sets alarm bells ringing for me. Apart from anything else, the queen’s reaction seems entirely reasonable in the face of the king’s weakness and infidelity. Maybe it’s just me, but the narrative seems to excuse the king because he’s confessed his weakness. Perhaps I'm not reading that correctly. After eight pages, I'm starting to get weary of all the names getting thrown around. There’s not need to introduce all the characters in the prologue. In fact, it’s likely to make readers a bit frustrated, I think, because they are unlikely to remember half these people. It seems to me there are some strong themes and elements of Shakespeare’s Macbeth in the setup. The scorned wife; the king who is weak and breaks the rules; three prophecies, as for the witches on Macbeth, although there is only one prophet here. Maybe this was not conscious or intentional, and it’s not meant as a criticism, as such. There is nothing wrong with borrowing themes and ideas from other stories—it’s where most stories come from(!)—but the key is to disguise and put distance between the source of your story. In summary, I have to say I'm not exactly gripped by the prologue. It’s very straight and a bit dry in its style, not any awful lot of colour. By that I don’t just mean literal colour of description, but colour in the characters. Also, there is a lot of information crammed into it. Personally, I would say more than necessary. I’m interested to hear what the others think. I’m also interested to see the next part, to see where we go from here, and how relevant a lot of the detail here is to the rest of the story. Thanks for sharing! <R>

Ha-ha, tricky one. No doubt they will be deluged, but there can't be any arm in something neutral like "After meeting you on the cruise, I didn't think you'd mind if I flagged that I'd made a submission through the open door." I guess maybe the line would be asking him to read it? I guess it depends on the form of your conversation on the cruise. As a naturally self deprecating sort of chap, I doubt I could muster the temerity to ask something like that, unless he had offered. What would the appropriate timing be? A week, maybe? dunno, but good luck!