Robinski

Hey Kais, thank you so much for reading. Excellent comments, thank you so much, very helpful (and thought provoking).

Indebted to you, @Mandamon, for the LBLs. Some key points from those: - I changed the line about the punch a bit. Also, the paramedic was not kidnapped, but I can see how it looked that way. - Tried to show not tell the bit about E breaking into the car. - Ha... , the 'constantly on the move' repeated line in both narrative and dialogue is supposed to be a joke. It's a technique I've seen used elsewhere. The idea, I think, is that it's unexpected, because you've just read it in narrative. I guess I can mark you down as one in the 'Fail' column - M's parents: it's from the first book. Long time ago. It is mentioned in TCC that she's an orphan, but maybe I need to trail that again near the beginning of this book. - I've sought to clarify what E is doing in testing source of the incoming call. Similarly, the line about whistle-blowing was Q's. Not clear. Thanks. - I'm going to have to re-read. Did they contact the town? I don't remember that bit!! - I've tried to clarify the call a bit. It's supposed to add a further note of mystery, but I'll need to work on it. Thanks for the super-useful comments. Really appreciated. <R>

Great to have you back, Alpaca! I've sent you some tracked comments and LBLs by email, as I seem to have got into the habit if working that way. Hope they are useful. The first thing that weirded my out was the lack of double line spacing, which is a cast iron 'must' for publishers, editors, agents, etc. (I am given to understand). Second thing. The title didn't really engage me. I thought it sounded a little overbearing and preachy (potentially, depending on the nature of the story). I think the title is there to pull people in, and I'm not sure this would do it for me. I don't know what kind of ship it is, what kind of story I'm in. Is it a spaceship, or a waterborne vessel? I'm guessing a spaceship could avoid a meteor, or at least would be making the attempt, so probably it's a waterborne vehicle of some sort. "Burning meteor" - so, we must be in the atmosphere, are we not? Otherwise, there is nothing to be burned. Did you do any research on meteors? If a meteor (or even a meteorite) is coming straight at him, I believe that the entire ship would be obliterated pretty much instantly. The object is going to be travelling a at monstrous speed, I would think. Look at the craters that get formed on Earth by meteor strikes. I know they are all different sizes, and that small ones fall with very little impact, but this ship is in orbit(?), so will be slowed less by not passing through the whole atmosphere to reach the planet. I just struggled to accept the outcome of the impact, simply being thrown against the wall. I'm still struggling a bit with the setting. There's mention of fantastical / mythical a creature, and there's a laser door. By the end of a couple of pages, I'm onboard for reading on, because there is an element of mystery as to what's happened, but I'm not that invested in the character. He doesn't have anything to live for, and nothing in his background is especially captivating. You've set up something of a mystery about what his crime is, but still, I'm not sure what the stakes are since he doesn't really have anything to fight for, it seems. What is a 'cr-x'? Is it money, sheep, fruit? The story so far is based around 'real' things so, the introduction of these 'made up' things is rather jarring. What function do they perform in the story? Does there need to be a thing that is strange and unknown? There's no other world-building, like names of planets, races, aliens, etc., so I'm finding this unknown element a bit jarring. Yeah, I take @Mandamon's point about the word's being so similar. It's rather odd, and almost implies there is some purpose to it. "raising prisoners to their feet" - This was odd to me. Are none of them capable of standing on their own? Surely, they don't all need him to help them up. Again, the prisoners all standing around waiting for R to lead them (in effect) is strange. Why would they all be so meek and compliant? They are criminals, after all. "knocked us all out" - sorry this is quite lame. For me, it's the kind of phrasing that children use when they're playing 'action' games in some form. To illustrate, I would probably use a phrase like 'Left us all unconscious.' This said, they weren't not all unconscious, some of them died. "we can storm the bridge, overpower the crew, and take control of the ship" - Not sure I understand where they are coming from either. What is his motivation? Does he plan to escape? Run away? "we could escape the D! We could be free" - I could do with this clarity of motivation much earlier than Page 4. I guess he's disoriented, but I think the trail of realisation and motivation could be a bit cleaner, clearer and sooner. "They were a bunch of prisoners, with no training" - Really? Are none of them deserters like him? Are there no hardened criminals at all? I don't get what an End is. Is a man, a machine, a beast of some sort, an alien? I'm still not sure what kind of story I'm in. "What had changed?" - Well, in theory, is this guy an agent of the state? In which case, theoretically, he is not an enemy. That would be different. R is an outlaw, in effect. "He didn’t know what to believe now" - the mind-wiping drug seems to have fallen off the radar. Previously, he noted that his memories were affected. How does he know any of that is real? How do we know that? "Ch--g" - Why does every name in this story start with a 'c' apart from R's? It's getting weird. I'm wondering what the range of a fighter is. I would guess not that much, as they are designed for close combat usually. Also, why do they have fighters of a prison ship? That doesn't seem to make much sense, it's not like it's a carrier. Also, if there are only two Enf, why do they have all those fighters. If I'm asking these questions either (a) R should be asking them too, or (b) perhaps the details don't fit together too well, and maybe are contradictory? "Why are they protecting me? Do I deserve protection?" - He's asking an awful lot of question and seems to be full of doubt in his own motivation, and everyone else's. It's difficult to root for someone who seems to have little idea what he's doing or why he's doing it. "It’d been a long day." - This thought is kind of weirdly out of tune with the others; for me it doesn't really with with him having fought for his life more than once, and almost been killed by a meteor!!! The number of prisoner with Cr-- is over-complicated, and doesn't matter, surely. I'm trying to figure out what's happened but I'm being distracted by trying to count prisoners when it doesn't seem relevant. The end of the story should be about impact, not counting on fingers, I think. Ooh, introducing a new name on the last page? I guess it's okay, because it doesn't really matter who saved him. Given that none of the characters has had time to develop much character, an anonymous one at the end perhaps doesn't really matter. Yeah, I was worried about how they were going to fly. Is it really so easy that they can just do it never having done it before? Maybe it is. That isn't my biggest problem. I come back to the range issue, although I suppose I should just accept it. What about the nearest habitable planet though. Are there other world and civilisations that the Dynasty doesn't control that will take in fugitives? I am left with so many question, ultimately though, the problem is I'm not sure how much I care about the answers. In summary, my thoughts at the end are: - Why do I care about R, if I do at all? I guess the Dynasty is an oppressive regime, and so I should be rooting for these guys getting their freedom, but R was just a bit too full of doubt and never really seemed to be convinced that what he was doing was right; - The story is a wee bit one dimensional. There have been many, many prison break stories before and this one doesn't really have a great spark of originality. The world-building is fairly light. Accepting that you don't have many words in a short to do that, it's still eminently possible to craft a world with hints and a few scattered references, and avoiding massive tracts of exposition. I'm glad you avoided that in this story, that's good, but I think the world-building that is there can be stronger, more effective; - No female characters, but actually very few characters at all. More description of the characters would bring them off the page, just one or two physical attributes for each named person would give them more than one dimension. Description in general could be a bit better, I think, using other senses than sight for one thing; - It's a very tight and person POV. Did you consider at any point writing it First Person? That can be really effective in this type of situation, I think; Conclusion: I think you have the bones of a decent story here, but it needs (a) more character in the characters; (b) bit of tidying up of some of the science and logic (e.g. why does a prison ship have fighters?); (c) some unique or near-unique element that would, on the first page, make the reader go 'Whoa, I've never read a story like this before.' Good start; now go edit!

Hey ID, many thanks for reading. Great comments: thank you for challenging me on this stuff. I think the chapter is definitely better, but still needs a complete read through (by me) to get proper perspective. Thank you

Hey Kais, really appreciate that comments, thank you. Specifics: Great comments, thanks! Feeling happier about this now

Many thanks for reading, Mandamon. I've been through the LBLs and there are some great comments there. I can always rely on you to pull me up when I'm being lazy about logical stuff. Thank you! I've included some much better/stronger reactions. That was a real omission, thanks for that one. Thank you again. It's definitely better now, but still need an edit pass of course. First draft syndrome will continue to leave my plot a but cut-and-shut until I get all through it and understand properly what the plot is!!

Darn it but I am going to get back on track and no pesky paying job is going to stop me!! LBLs sent separately. As usual, Im afraid there is some crossover between the comments here and the Word comment. There is bonus material in both sources!! Sorry that means going through both. I guess they are maybe 90% the same... Looking forward to seeing where things go now that we're in this new landscape. I'm moved to think there is a slightly Niven-esque tone to the discovery or big, massive artefact-type things, à la Ringworld--which is awesome. I knew there was a reason I was enjoying the story There's been a lot of chat about emotional investment, and I must admit it's not something that's been front and centre in my concerns. We have a teenager who is kind of discovering their place in the world. While they are all hormones and moodiness, I think also there is an emotional immaturity that lends itself to the suppression of emotional expression, to some extent, certainly to the point of not knowing how they feel about something things. Honestly, I have not been greatly bothered by the emotional level of things. I still feel invested in the story. This said, it's good that emotions are coming to the fore a bit more now, with the reaction of Nat to Wal, and over Part's demise. "Your daughter also has a good mind" - Hmm, it's not exactly rocket science to think about going around something like this. I'm sure all the adults thought the same. I really don't like the capitalisation of 'the accident'. I actually think it cheapens it, that it has more impact to leave it hanging. The caps feel like air quotes to me; tacky, immature. "Mom brought out her telescope again and looked left, then right" - But wait, which side of the waterfall are they on? Or are they underneath it? I don't think the blocking is entirely clear as to how they relate to the water fall. If they aren't underneath it, then how would they pass to the otherside from the one they are on? I see they are under it, but I'm still struggling with where the deluge went, I think "I was glad I couldn’t see the ground from here" - I think, throughout the story, there might be just a little more mention of the height, and the fear, even involuntary. It was present when things were going wrong, like dropping things, or people falling, but I think it could be accentuated in those instances. Then again, maybe I'm reading as a adult. "We and the three nets were all hanging off the side of the beetle" - I wonder if they could not consider ditching some of the weight they are carrying. Could they refill their water bottles once above the waterfall by lowering them on ropes? They might find niches that they could store some bottles in, to pick them up on the way back. Or indeed store some of the supplies in the niches. Maybe that's too complicated. I'm just saying they might give a thought to what they could drop here, or leave tied to the wall. "From 'girl' too 'daughter' to 'Nat'..." - For me, this is excellent character development and insight, and it's really rather sweet, how the cynical teenager has 'thawed' into a good kid who wants to work hard to impress her elders. Very satisfying :O) "it made a stronger metal" - Whoa!!! The maj actually change the metal itself, at an atomic level, like from steel to titanium?! That is so cool. "So our rations are running out" - This is a good note. Have been expecting it, tbh, but it still has impact. "I have tried to make a portal every morning" - I feel that this has been overlooked in the story so far, the getting back down, and that this is something we should have known about long before. "Inside? That’s impossible" - Why? Weren't there other localised variations of the light within the wall? I thought this was a satisfying section. I like that they have encountered a mystery (the lights) and that draws me on to read more. I thought there were some nice character notes in this section too, and we can clearly see Nat maturing before our eyes. I like it. I will say, as I have noted, that there are a couple of places where I think the adults are made to look rather stupid, because Nat's suggestions are not exactly earth-shattering. If, for example, mom were to nod when congratulating her on a good suggestion, it might imply that mom (or the man) had thought of it too, but still was impressed that Nat had had the same thought independently. Nice work. More please!! <R>

Probably WRS. The other one only had one drill and the other was worn down. I'll see if I can make this more prominent. Yeah. I sort of remembered that one of the drills was broken in some way. I should also have remembered that, if it hadn't been for the first CBD drilling all those holes, the second drill would not have been able to climb up at all. It hangs together better than I thought, maybe just need a reminder.

Bit rushed. Sorry. I'm just not writing fit enough to keep up with the submission schedule and critiquing, but very reluctant to miss a week (slots permitting) and lose the thread. Thank you for your patience, and apologies for my tardiness in replying to your kindly offered comments. Ay least this one's a bit shorter <R>

Sorry for the delay. LBLs to be emailed. Birds are scarce? Why would there be any birds up here at all so high up, if there is nothing to eat? "freak storm" - Does the Nether have weather? I feel like I didn't know this. "We’ll be remembered as the first..." - Not sure a teen would think about their legacy What I'm wondering, and it might be WRS, is why they didn't just use the working CBD, instead of fixing the broken one. It's because the second one is smaller, right? "He soon returned to the beetle and strapped himself back in." - I feel like this section ends too soon, and that there is more to be said her, some conjecture maybe, or even just N falling back to sleep. It feels unfinnished to me. Confused. Where does all the water go? There's no way that volume of water transforms into clouds. I just can't beleive the mechanism. Consider Niagra Falls. The proportion of the wall that is 'atomised' I would think is very small. This section felt long to me. It had great excitement around the incident, and some good tension in the first half, but I felt it started to drag in the later sections. In part, this may be because you were stressing the monotony of the climbing towards the end, but still. I don't know, maybe it was where I was at that moment. With a fresh look I'm sure it's fine. Overall, I'm still very much invested in the story. It needed a big moment, and you gave us that. I think the revelation of breaking the clouds could be clearer in terms of what it looks like, the geometrics or geology of what the structures look like and how they interact. Good job.

I was fine with the chapter, I thought it clipped along at a nice pace, and provided some good background and plot along the way, but do tend to agree that it's more tense than action-packed, but there's nothing wrong with that. It did make me realise that you've dispensed with the guards that accompanied M in the previous version, I think. Haven't you? That seems kind of crazy to me, that the R.D. would go out into a dangerous situation like this without at least some assistance, even if it was only a couple of soldiers, rather than--what--half a dozen that she had in previous versions? I'll send LBLs for this week and last week together. A few details: How can tears dot S's cheek, they would leave tracks, surely, unless they are M's? "they certainly couldn’t wield a knife" - Continuity: I'm sure you said earlier that the sending could have run S through. "Well, they couldn’t wield a knife well." - Hmm, now I'm just confused. For me 'lurked'n the last line is melodramatic, rather comical, not punchy enough. Suggest 'remained' for inducing slightly more dread/trepidation.

Sorry for the delay. LBLs emailed. Here are the headlines: I think the story interlude was longer and more detailed before. This stripped-down version, for me, is quite a bit less satisfying, and feels rushed, kind of thrown togther. How do the strands of M's cloak tickle S's nose? Rabbit fur is not that long, surely. "midday position" and "mountain range base" are really quite ugly phrases. As writers, part of our job--I think--is to transport the reader to the location and the setting, and evoking the emotion of being there. So, paint me a picture, darn it! I want lyricism!!! “The ground was red beneath him” – Really? I feel like a lot of the blood in shows and films nowadays is complete fallacy. “Arrows shot from the canopy, one hitting Peanut again, and the other just missing Magda’s cheek” – (1) How does S know it’s two arrows? I don’t think one could tell in that situation how many arrows it was. (2) I don’t think S can be as specific as to say where it missed M. Maybe it missed her head, but not as small a location as her cheek. “I wanted to help, could help, but with swords and arrows, I’d never get close enough to anyone to use the extracts” – So, in other words, S is unable to help. “Three more arrows came, tearing through Magda’s cloak and across her left thigh” – I just think this is too accurate to be in S's POV. Maybe in M's, who has experience with combat. “I could come from behind, take one of them by surprise” – I don't believe this. Where is S's experience in tracking or combat? “I’d be relegated to my backside for every minor skirmish” – LOL Nice zinger at the end. Really nice gut punch at the end of the chapter. That would bring me back for sure.

Gah, should have posted last night, apologies. So, this week I do believe we have @Majestic Fox; @MistbornAlpaca; @Mandamon; @Robinski; and @kais. @LarkinTyvell you are most welcome here, and we look forward to reading your submissions soon! These submitters all are in the process of submitting ongoing projects, but if you are willing to dive in a 'have a go' this week, I for one would happily return the favour next week

Glad to be reading Chapter 2. Sorry these comments are so late. I enjoyed this. Decent consequences for what she did. The stern boss is maybe a bit ‘low-hanging fruit’, but done well enough. My big issue is with K, who I thought behaved inconsistently during this chapter. Detailed comments follow. “and an utilitarian chair” – here’s an interesting one. Clearly, this follows the rules, but surely ‘an’ can’t right here. Don’t we all say ‘a utilitarian chair’ or ‘a used car’, but also ‘an uncomfortable car’? I’ve never noticed this before! OMG!! “There’s so many rooms here” – I know this is character dialogue, and characters are capable of having bad grammar, but still, ‘there are so many rooms’. I think this just makes the character look uneducated, if I'm honest. Yeah see, her observations does not come across as astute, because the grammar is wrong. Sorry, this wasn’t supposed to be a grammar pass, but those two really stood out for me. There are other thing, but I really don’t want to lapse into line editing, which I guess isn’t very useful at this point. I’m struggling a bit with the concept that the agency is mainly funded by donations. For one thing, it’s a bit curious that’s it’s not under state control, like NASA (say). Secondly, why would a state risk the potential that the president (say) could be assassinated at night and there would be no time-travel response? Thirdly, I'm surprised that citizens aren’t willing to donate when this is something that could save their life, or that or family or friends in the case of some terrible disaster. Didn’t ring true for me. Another puzzler. Why would time travellers stick to these rather severe restrictions? I guess maybe that some don’t, but surely there must be some bad time travellers, or people who have no interest in serving the agency. How are the restrictions enforced? My scepticism is growing. “She said so aloud to K… just as D herself stepped into the room.” – the syntax here was weird to me, and I've suggested ellipsis as an alternative, to avoid having a sentence that is not a sentence (the second one, obvs). Is the offence against the agency, or against the law of the land? The first seems less significant than the second. D’s smile seems to greet them twice. The last sentence of the paragraph seems out of order. K’s words are exceptionally toady, to the point I thought it out of character, like sort of overdone, a la Wormtongue. Wait, what? The encouraging glance from K threw me. There’s something about his reactions that are inconsistent to me. He ignores her for the whole time they are waiting, then toadies up to D. Okay, he told the truth about events, but he gave A no encouragement at all on the train journey (I think), or in the room. Just felt off to me. No, K problems again. His concern now, and A’s comment about him being more loyal to her than the agency is completely off for me. If that were the case, why did he ignore her the whole time beforehand? If he was loyal to her, I think he would at least have said to her that he could not support her, because his own job would be at risk, that he would at least talk to her beforehand and try to reassure her. The paragraph beginning “You're quiet.” seems out of place to me. This seems like the first thing he would say, before the explanation that she has just given. Put at the end here, it seems kind of repetitive of the exchange they have just had. I mean, she’s quiet because she’s just been made to go on leave, of course. <R>

I thought that too.

Arrgghhh, double post, sorry.

I would like to submit too, please. But would step back if there is a stampede.

Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting Thanks for the typos, and everything else. Really appreciate those comments.

Hey, thanks for reading, kais, and sorry I'm so slow this week,. Not even got up to this week's submission yet! Awesome. See, I do know what action is I've done some fixing on the M thing and her physical state. As to Mor / Q background, I'm struggling with it a bit, as there isn't really a basis for M in his scenes to think about Q. So, I would need a basis for Q to think about M. Probably I can do that okay. I'll drop something in. Thank you so much for reading. Good points for me to work on there.

Got the message now

Welcome, Larkin. We would love to read your stuff, I'm sure. Shaking people out of funks is our speciality As Kais says, we need to get you signed up to the email list. Can you please PM myself and @Silk with the email address you wish to receive submissions to. (Silk is the big cheese around here, I am merely a common lackey and occasional footstool.) As Kais says, if you haven't already, please do have a gander at the forum/submissions guidelines. Delight to have you with us!

Not much to say about this, other than to invite your every helpful comments, and to hope that you enjoy it. Wee bit of gore, but passive in the sense that you don't get to see the gore happening. So, in a pathology sort of way. Bon appetit! <R>

Thanks for the great comments @kais and @Asmodemon; I will come back to you on those ASAP. I am getting so behind on edits. Arrgghhh!!!

Here I am, tail end Charlie, as usual. LBLs emailed; here are the headlines: Does the beetle use its own holes? So (and I'm thinking about that super cover picture you published), the drills must be able to turn at 90 degrees of its axis of travel, assuming that the beetle is 'walking' up the wall, which it must be, surely. "using the net as a counterbalance to rappel down" - Hang on. Surely gravity is all that is required for her to rappel down, and the counterbalance would be used in some way to pull her back up again? The counterbalance on the way down seems pointless. "W was obviously the one in front" - So wait; are they riding the beetle, not hanging underneath and climbing? That's what I understand from the description, and that surely will make them ten times faster. Surprised they haven't overtaken already. [Answered later] You clarify that the other drill is broken, but that didn't really register with me the first time I think the bit about W catching up needs more punch, more threat. If they are in sight, they cannot be that far away. Making out individual human shapes; maybe 500 yds? No more than 700, surely. I enjoyed this section. Good tension, stakes, etc. Good action in general. Some details in the LBLs, including a couple of points where I thought the impact could have been greater, but not real complaints. Looking forward to next week!!