Robinski

Yeah, that was my impression too.

You've got my comments on SWN. I must admit I never felt the sisters were in any peril. Ata's attack was unexpected, but other than some light chiding from the Dyad, I never felt that Bel and Kisa were in any danger. With the Mulberry thing, again, there were two or three references to someone trying to remember what Mulberries do which made me think I should know it, but I never did, did I? So that felt rather like a writerly device - ooh, she's struggling with this but she's not going to remember so you don't get to find out until the reveal. Good stuff though, I was sooo, bumbed and the break in the chapter. Really did think though that Senior Silkworm would say the name of the tree up front, being eager to appear smart and knowledgable before the Dyad and in case someone else blurted it out before him. Roll on nexxt week - where did I leave that Tardis?

Once again, I enjoyed this chapter a good deal. I like the tone and the setting. I think I've snagged part of the reason for this, and make some comments about Jack Vance below. I think you have a precise and rather quirky (in a good way) style, certainly in Ambrose's section that is really effective and enjoyable. I like that the industrialised society and the way you describe it, and also that there is a bias towards engineering solutions (showing my bias as an engineer). Ambrose is an interesting character. He seemed a little pompous int he first chapter, and I'm not sure how much his sense of social responsibility came through in that one, but it certainly does more so here. There are some excellent character touches all round I thought, nice little well observed details that add humour and texture, like Ambrose forgetting the maid's name and Lyle's handshake then his not knowing what the fluid does. As usual, I really look forward to reading the next chapter. I like the pacing, I feel I am always discovering things and that the plot is moving forward all the time. Good job. ------------------------- Straight away I'm engaged by Ambrose wrestling with the financial problem. It makes me think of one of my favourite novels by the incomparable Jack Vance. Wyst Alastor: 1716 involves a young man stranded on a planet trying to raise enough money (I think) for passage off-planet (been a while since I read it). That simple quest under the expert pen of JV became more compelling to me than nations clashing and magicians striving to save the universe. This is a problem that so many people can relate to. Not escapist, admittedly, but relatable. Do we know what automata is/are? I don't recall, but I think the reader should know if he's dealing drugs or football cards, blackmarket robots? Ah, okay, literally automata, okay. The thing that threw me was that is considering selling them at the docks. Seems an odd place for such trade, but okay, I'll go with it. I didn't get that the crow was in the room till you said it flew out of the window. 'fire place' - one word. 'street' - capita 'S', it's a name. I enjoyed his mistake over the name, he sounded so certain, lol. If she's permanent staff though, seems unlikely he's still forgetting her name. Love the fruit and black river image. Dare I suggest it's actually it's quirky enough to put me in mind of Vance again. I wonder if you have encountered him? I think you might enjoy his writing. The Wyst trilogy is not a bad place to start, or the Gaean Reach series, and the Lyonesse books are beautiful, I think. I like that he's still mistaking the maid's name. Also, "knocking on the god's door" indicates one god, but from the sense of it, I thought it was gods plural, in which case it would be " gods' ". *lesser* ministries '*the* common *man in* any way that mattered, He still toiled away' - I guess. rational *minister* - not a name, so no capital, I believe. I would capitalise High Council, it's the name of the council. I really enjoyed the exchange in the council chamber. I felt I got a good sense of character and that each councillor had some. I liked the surprises that came out. These things were not especially foreshadowed, but felt like legitimate reveals of things that the reader didn't know. The king's hat - lol. *Mister* Adams - again, it's a name. 'manners in the street' - great line. Another intriguing and tense exchange, revealing Ambrose's character and the tension he is under. If the mechanisms are made of brass, they would not rust - which is a term particular to ferrous metals (help me out here, Mandamon!). What would brass do? It's an alloy of copper and zinc, perhaps designed specifically not to rust? Given that Ambrose is an engineer, or deals with them, he would know this stuff. The stolen watch is a lovely touch. I still remember when he bumped into the man on his way to the Council Chamber, nicely done. Enjoyed Ambrose's bitterness at the Transport Minister. Dancer's Catch - lol, and nice character touch on the drunk. I put Ambrose's age about 30, so I was interested that he referred to the other man as young. Is Ambrose older then? I LOVE that Ambrose judges the man's handshake. That is such a nice touch, and it's something that I do. I shake a lot of hands in my business and it's surprisingly often a good indication of character. *pin* point 'but I fear *you're* going to take' nonsense - not 'none sense' I like that Lyle doesn't know how the stuff works, or at least that's his opening line. And there is a good dramatic punch to finish with.

Must apologise to those reading The Mathematical Bridge - with travelling back from hols I've totally failed to get the penultimate chapter up this week. It's not fair for me to put it up on a Thursday, I think, so if I get a slot on Monday, I shall resume and get the last couple of chapters up, slot following Monday permitting.

I thought the emperor's death scene was fine. Some poisons are pretty immediately lethal by all accounts. I don't know how much the whole cyanide tablet thing from the Cold War is hyped up, but I'm prepared to believe it. I was in an aqarium the other day and they had one of those yellow puffer fishes that the Japanese eat, which has to be prepare correctly or you die, it wasn't specific about timescale, but it's pretty interesting stuff. First recorded case in Captain Cook's crew aparently - all the pigs died because they ate the fish offal. I didn't answer all your specific questions, but agree somewhat with Mandamon in relation to Naiyu's character, but was happy enough not to learn much about it, as she was going through a very familiar task. The Cherry Valley thing I'm happy to accept on explanation. Looking forward to the next bit.

Yeah, but the Marianas Trench is miles deep, I think? Seems to me the sub could be anywhere in between the surface and the bottom, suitable to your purpose.

But they're not unnecessary if they indicate to the reader that something happened in the past as opposed to just happened that moment! Who are these guys anyway, Stunk and Shite*? Never heard of them. (*Robinski's legal advisors require the following boiler plate to be appended to this comment. This comment is made in jest and is not intended to represent the real opinions of Robinski or any of the writing room that prepare his material (It's a small room, more of cupboard, actually).)

Yeah, but I think on SWN you said short submission to the end, so I presumed you were posting half chapters, but whole chapters here. What the heck - I'll take what I get and like it.

Missed your email at first, it was in with all those pharmacy emails you Canucks keep sending me ;o) Anyhow, straightaway, I'm intrigued by the title and I'm drawn in by the idea of a story revolving around something other than world-saving quests and massive wars with the gods (or otherwise). Just as my critiquers Bill and Drew, I'm forever spending 5 pages describing one of my characters' thoughts as she delivers bread, or works at her job in the local washhouse. I started to read the synopsis (summary) in your email then stopped, because I didn't want to spoil my discovery of the plot. I really enjoyed this. I was starting wonder where the tension and excitement was going to come from, but even thought you had foreshadowed the emperor's death be explaining the potentially poisonous nature of the cherries, I still didn't see it coming, too busy following the tea 'ceremony' though - good job on that. Now, I'm totally on the hook to learn what happens next, and yet you say this is in the future and we are going to join Naiyu back before her training? It seems we may have to wait a long while before learning what has happened. Then again, maybe not, either way, I'm intrigued to read your story and look forward to the next submission. Line comments below, I really don't think there are any plot-spoilers. ------------------------- Not sure a paste would pour. I think cherry paste might need to be scraped out of the pestle, unless she's only using the juice, although that's not the sense I got. (Jeez, what is it with fruit juice in the stories on this forum?) Cherry Valley seems very 'on the nose' as a name for a place where old masters make cherry tea. Suggest: 'had cooled' instead of 'was cooled properly' I know there are different ways to cool things, but that seems a bit scientific for a story prologue. I wonder if you need the for with 'mourning'. He might be 'pining for his wife', but to me 'mourning his wife' or 'mourning his wife's death' is more elegant phrasing. Welcome (back?) to Reading Excuses by the way, you'll gather I can be a bit persnickety - sorry, but I'll never change. Does she hand the emperor the cup? That doesn't seem right. Does he pick it up from the table? In my mind's eye, the phrasing suggests he takes it from her hand, but that carries risks of spillage and even burning, it seems to me. Maybe I picked the sense up wrong. 'Ran out of air' felt a little glib to me, almost a modern expression.

Don't worry about that Fox, you can be polite anytime. Write while the writing's good, and I think it is! If it starts feeling like you're phoning it in, we'll call you on it for sure.

So, you gonna put a whole chapter up here and only half on Start Write Now? I'm not good at quandries, so I'll just plump for reading the whole chapter, assuming it appears here, but I'll still line edit on SWN.

** Glad Mandamon picked the pressure thing and I'm not going crazy - I'm just a Civil Engineer and they don't make concrete submarines, yet.

The Canuck thing. You guys have (almost) all the best bands, Rush and Tragically Hip remain in my top 10 all time.

Interesting concept and I thought a decent prologue, as it poses lots of questions. I had some style issues, noted in detail below, but I thought parts were a bit overwritten, diluting the urgency and action in places where the words could be paired down quite easily. Example, it feels like Renfield is really fumbling with the detonator. He doesn't need to take it out of his pocket, and it doesn't matter how deep his pocket is. Grab it and push the button. I thought the 'patchwork bitch' line was great. That's the biggest question I have. I thought it was the (fish) man outside the hull, but that turned out to be a man, so now I'm keen to learn who this women is, and why she is a patchwork - a Frankenstein deal perhaps? Sorry about the hardline comments in places, I realise I'm being harsh on it as it's pre-first draft. Good stuff. Would happily read more. ------------------------ I like the 'pressure' line, and I've enjoyed the first two paragraphs. They give me good basic information, pose a series of questions and make me interested enough to want to find out the answers. 'Appearances can be deceiving' must be a cliche by now, I would think. I don't think prowess is the right word. To me, that's a personal skill, something that a person does actively. But not needing a big crew is something that has been realised by the submarine's designers. I would say that the prowess of the designers led to the submarine's 'greatest advantage', or something like that. It seems early in the story to be dropping a lot of technical details about the submarine. I really don't care. I've just encountered this character in an interesting situation (don't know if he is interesting yet), and I want to know more about him. I'm guessing the submarine is not going to play any lasting part in the story, so a paragraph or two about it would be plenty for me. 'It *had* cost a fortune in favours to get *them* onboard...' There seemed to be an awful lot of hims, and why do so few people use 'had' anymore? I know I probably overuse it, but it serves a purpose. I think tense matters. I thought the shivering was over-explained. Repetition of 'appearances... etc.' and the use doesn't seem right. What is it trying to say, other things can be deceptive? You don't need to explain why he took the trip on the submarine, it was obvious from his thought before. How can his master advance on him when he had his hands on his shoulders a moment ago? Also, this stuff about testing the submarine seems out of kilter with the mood of the story. I don't understand yet, but if his job is to transport the master around, why knowingly proceed when he found out there would be no people? I find myself confused in this section. The Master can't 'seem to' back away - he does or he doesn't surely. The comment about being untouchable by the hunters begins to explain the submarine, I see how it fits with his Master's need now - glad I didn't have to wait long for that. 'Renfield struggled to *breathe*' - Sorry for me going at the typos and grammar, etc., obvs as less than first draft you'll get all these things - I just can't help myself. (The first rule of Grammar Club is always talk about Grammar Club, all the time.) Fears being dashed sounds like a good thing! I think usually hopes would be dashed and fears averted, maybe. I would say you sometimes have tendency to over-explain things that is unnecessary. Let the reader make these connections. Couple of examples around here: The Master's eyes widened.' I don't think you need 'with recognition' because the next line is "Where did you get that?" so it's clear the Master recognises the artefact. I thought glimmering and shimmering were a bit much used together, and you repeat 'striking' close together. 'ROTTING *IN* A MADHOUSE' The 'BRUTUS' line sounds a bit like Yoda, odd form. 'You are no Brutus.' would be clearer, I think. Repetition of the word 'entire'. Also, you don't need 'literally'. If it's knocking, it's knocking. I think the line has more impact if it's shorter, more direct. Also, I got no sense in the prior exchanges that Renfield had any secrets from the Master, so the threat of extracting knowledge is a bit puzzling. 'It looked like...' (word missing?) and that appearances deceiving thing is really annoying me. I personally think it's a hackneyed phrase. Everyone knows appearances can be deceiving, but Renfield trots it out every 5 minutes like he's discovered the phrase. There are some snappy lines at the end of their exchange, but I felt they were a bit lost and the action rather diluted by dialogue tags and words that you could cut to punch up this bit. Renfield almost seems to fumble about with the detonator. To me, he doesn't need to take it out of the pocket and it doesn't matter if the pocket is deep. The 'patchwork bitch' is a great line. I thought it was the person outside, but that's a man, I guess. Also, must say that scaly guy with goggles instantly brought Hellboy's chum Abe Sapien to mind. Science question/issue: The water pressure at the bottom of the Marianas trench is going to kill Renfield in no seconds flat (literally). Also, I suspect that the submarine might 'implode' from the pressure when the hull loses structural integrity. Mandamon might be able to advise better on that (you're a Mech Eng, right M?). I say this on the assumption they are very deep, implied by Renfield seeing only darkness. Science question/issue?: I'm wondering if the bends are an issue. I guess if Renfield is not breathing compressed air, then maybe not, don't know how the rebreather works. Also, I don't quite follow the bit about not applying to a Fish Man. I didn't think the point was clear. Ah, now, is Renfield dead? Is that how he can survive the pressure? I'm not sure how that would overcome the laws of physics.

You're welcome. It's a pleasure to read - look forward to the next installment.

Interesting to read Mandamon's comments, as always. My reaction did not go as far as the YA vs. Steampunk thing. The constrast is certainly stark, but I think that works as a stark contrast within a single novel. We agree (it's getting boring now ) on the lack of connection, and I do think that's something you need. Reassure the reader that these things are taking place in the same world, or rather tell the reader somehow that these two threads WILL BE connected down the line. I think if you build that expectationm make that promise to the reader, it can be a really intriguing and tension building issue throughout the story, probably even the central theme, when will these two worlds colide?

I had some issues with character actions in this chapter, but overall I enjoyed it once I had settled into the style. Ambrose was a bit frustrating in places (see above), but There is tension in him and he is striving for something, so that's good and makes him interesting to follow. In a way, I think it's refreshing that the Ambrose's mission is a commercial one. Most stories are about heroic endeavour, and we may end up in that territory down the line, but to have the stakes of the story at least in the beginning being commercial ones, albeit towards the furthering of society and protection from foreign influence, is more interesting than being at for with an evil empire. As I note below, I'm not quite sure how this and the Willow thread fit together, which is part of the interest of course. The worlds are so different that they could be on different planets. I wondered if if was going to be clear if they are different continents or what, as it seems like Willow's world is almost post-apocalyptic, whereas Ambrose is like industrial revolution / Victorian era engineering revolution stuff - poles apart, I thought, but the juxtaposition of the two is very interesting. My biggest issue, I think, is the meat seller scene, which I'm not sure does anything to advance the story. Local colour is all very well, but unless it's relevant later (and I struggle to see how), I'd be tempted to cut it, or certainly reduce it significantly. No, sorry, my biggest problem was with Ambrose paying a huge amount of money to have someone find him a cab, I thought that was completely at odds with his situation. II just do not see how he could do that and, again, did not see the relevance of that short scene to the story. Those are specific issues, but overall, good job. Enjoyed that a good deal. Keep it coming, please! --------------------------------- pg1 - "slam his fist *into* the repulsive stuff" - I thought pg2 - I didn't think you needed the 'Hmm...' to indicate thought. The thought is the next thing we get. I'm not sure people say 'hmm' unless they are being deliberately dramatic. pg2 - Seems to me the list is in real time, so would better be 'One: The Chief Ministers *are* demanding...' pg2 - I'm not sure how to pronounce 'ey'. pg3 - I found the dialogue between Ambrose and Grant a bit awkward. Maybe that is what you were going for, but I think the feeling of the exchange can be awkward while still having dialogue that reads smoothly. pg3 - I'm a bit confused about the cave mouth framing the city's depths. I thought as I read that he could see the expanse of the city in the distance from out of the cave mouth. But I don't understand how he can see its depths in the same way. Also, personally, not keen on the city making its own size abundantly clear. What can a city actively do to achieve that? It's a personal thing, I know anthropomorphism is popular in some parts. I just thought it read odd. As I read on, I see that he can see the skyline - so I really don't get the 'depths' reference. pg3 - I think clifftop is one word, and smoke-shrouded is better hyphenated. Sorry I also give this line edit style of comment. Tell me to can it on the line edits if it's annoying. I guess you're putting up first draft stuff now. pg4 - Blake and Tomlin *Associates* - it's a company name. Talking of which, I'm enjoying the names in this part more than in the first part of the story. I guess there are fewer here to remember, but I also think that they are more memorable then the names in Willow's section (other than the 3 or 4 main characters in that part). pg4 - Not sure why 'Mr' is abbreviated that one time. Also, failure to pay would be deferred to as default, I think, i.e defaulting on a loan. Furthermore, people not opening mail is, I think, a cliche. It seems to me it's often used to denote someone who's too carefree, living their life, or devoted to doing important scientific work that they are passionately obsessed with to waste time on the humdrum affairs of everyday life. Well, sorry, but (most of) the rest of us live up to our responsibilities!! Sorry, personal bugbear, don't know where you're going with it, but don't mind my shoulder-chip on that subject. And it's not a negative on Ambrose (yet). I'm enjoying this section so far, quite formal and mannered, which I usually enjoy. A different feel to Willow's more naturalistic and earthy section - certainly rustic. I like that juxtaposition, and I will not take against Ambrose just for the mail thing - interested to find out what is at the root of it. pg4 - *over-proud* - and lol, like the image. pg5 - I thought he might nod jovially 'to' the driver. pg5 - You say the funding 'had been necessary', this could imply it's no longer needed or it's all been spent, I know which I would guess. Also, we don't know what the Krovus is, do we? That would be useful early so that we know what he's building that needs funding. Then again, maybe that's me being the impatient reader and I'll just have to wait. pg5 - 'that had almost *run* out'. Also, I would say 'another *source of* capital' or 'more capital'. pg5 - 'the clock tower *and* Westfall *Station* (caps again for the name of the station). pg5 - I take it the Mayfly is a train? I'm not sure you stated that specifically. pg5 - Enjoyed the phrase 'nauseating mess of colour' - lol. pg6 - I totally agree with Ambrose on the shortcomings of silk. I think the people would quickly abandon as being completely impractical. pg6 - On the vendor, sickeningly overweight seems cliched. A lean vendor might lead to doubts about his product. Also, does the reader know at this point what the situation is geographically? The settings see very different, as noted above, which is fine, but my thinking is that they could be on different planets or in different dimensions at this, such are the differences in the two societies. pg7 - I would say 'leisurely *pacing* pedestrians' in that form, as the statement sounds strange to me as is. Also, thinking that a neat vendor could go at that pace all day seems naive to me. I've got no experience in hospitality, but I think anyone could see that meal times would be busier. Further, nice local colour as it is, I'm not sure this aside does anything to advance the story. pg7 - 'foulness from *his* fingers. Also, has he never heard of laundry? Absolutely no reason he can't use the hankie again. What does he do when he blows his nose? I think your hankie comment might alienate your female audience who, for the most part (at the perilous risk of offending female readers) do our (men's) washing. pg7 - You've lost me on the lateness thing. Firstly, if Thomas hand't called him to a meeting, he'd still be up at the 'coalface' (my term), wouldn't he? Since no time was specified for the meeting, how can he be late? The description sounds like he's heading for a regularly schedule thing. Seems contradictory. Also, running may be a sign of disorganisation, but so is being late, so he's going to fail either way by his terms. I'd rather be on time and sweating a bit than late, which I think is not only potentially disorganised, but also potentially rude - although as stated, I don't quite understand how it is he's late. pg8 - I'm beginning to think Ambrose is an idiot. If he's tight for cash, how in the heck can he afford to give an urchin two months food (by modern standards, wild guess, £300-500 equivalent) to get a coach that he could find himself for nothing? Madness! pg9 - 'Thomas *paced* over to the window'. pg10 - I like the scene between Thomas and Ambrose. We get enough to know that Thomas is the one with the authority, and then we see him 'crumble' because of the strain he is under, showing doubt and weakness in front of his subordinate, which is never good! It's a well handled scene, I think, and gives real flavour to the industrial competitiveness within the burgeoning society, and how on the edge the Kovorus team is. What we don't really know at this point is what they are striving for, what is the end game, which would really help. Are they battling to save the city from some threat, or to expand into a new area? What are the stakes? pg11 - 'need your advice *on*' is the correct form, I would say, or 'help with'. pg11 - Ah, okay, we get the statement of the problem here, and I think the information was probably there for me to work it out if I had tried, lazy reading on my part! pg12 - I like the description of the tavern. There's a really good industrial tone to the town, an almost Dickensian* feeling of industry and squalor *(not the writing, the atmosphere!). The passing of the note is good and mysterious, nicely setting up the next chapter. pg13 - Is the pebble (liked it's introduction, made me smile - 'oh, it is a pebble' - lol), made of the same stuff that is closing the tunnels off? I just thought both were referred to as being black. If it is, Ambrose would have seen it right away, I'm sure. So I have to presume it's not, but they do sound the same. I don't think it's something he would miss, although he is very tired. Hmm... pg13 - I would do a little research on drilling rock. It's not about 'pressure', but about your cutting tool. Drills can grind away all day, but if you edge isn't cutting, you can forget it. I think you'll find Mandamon probably has some good comment to offer on this, as I think it might be close to his field(?). It's close to mine too, I'm a Civil Engineer (but I don't do tunnelling). I'd suggest looking in modern TBM's (tunnel boring machines) and how they work and cut. You'll find any number of references to projects around the world, currently London Crossrail, Ireland a couple of years ago and I think Chicago dug a new metro line a few years back. pg13 - 'Answers would come *easily*.'

Sooooooo, if there's a slot on Monday, I'd simply love to submit the next chapter of The Mathematical Bridge. I have three chapters left, and then I'm done with it.

Excellent!

It only just occurred to me that it's a rather bizarre play on something you mentioned earlier on, with dead people being buried so as to feed the Fruit trees. So, I think it's fair to say that you planted the seed (lol!). No royalties required

Mental image - oh no! that could be a problem Telling and passivity earlier in meeting - yes, I can see that. More dialogue required. Pouring thing - I'll drop it, irrelevant. Tarquin's features - explain or drop. It's a long story. They have changed over time, but not like a shape-shifter. The Question - good question! Explain or drop. Tarquin desire for Rutland and Sabine to be together - it's like a loyalty, we are the same kind, thing. But needs more explicit clarification, agree. Sabine's transformation - Yes, into a bird. You may not recall that in The Tontine Inn, she transformed into an Owl. Thank you for the comments - very helpful!

Fair comment. I think that would also be an opportunity to up the threat level, as I don't think Tarquin is quite menacing enough. I'm perfectly happy to rework this chapter. I agree it needs something more, and/or more of certain things! More interaction, certainly. Many thanks for reading and commenting

I agree with RDP about the conversation with Ligish although, in making it longer, you might consider introducing some note of tension between them. I remember hearing something (perhaps on WE) about 'tension on every page' - you've got that anyway, but otherwise their conversation is possibly a little too easygoing for this stage in the story. I will disagree with RD somewhat in relation to Hbelu. I'm not sure how much that scene raised the stakes, for me anyway. Perhaps if there was something in the conversation about what was expected to happen to Hbele, like 'Oh yeah, the last Asha-Urmana presented to the Dyad got seeds planted in his ears and buried alive...'

Here is Chapter 11 of 14 of The Mathematical Bridge. In the previous chapter, we saw the first perspective of Tarquin’s arrival in Cambridge, before he went to visit Sabine in her rooms at Queens’ College. Blacklake, sitting in Fitzbillie’s Tea Room while Judith was working, recalled a walk with her by the river in which he revealed something of his true nature to her and she was accepting of it, if not able really to comprehend that nature. Thanks for reading! Cheers, Robinski

Hey, I don't mind if you email later in the week - I'll still comment - so you can't use that as an excuse