Robinski

Here, here, and well said. Obviously the whole thing works on trust at the moment. We could start doing the math, but nobody want's to turn this into a prescriptive and formally monitored thing, I'm sure. Fair's fair, do unto others, etc., etc.

Welcome back, @Hobbit! Sounds awesome. One year I'll get to a con, I'm just such a chicken.

I'm on Page 286 of Book 1 - and I'm enjoying it. I've become comfortable with the interludes, which are now more sparse, after the initial jumble. At this stage, there is something of a dearth of female characters, basically just Lady Salvara and the boss's daughter, but they are reasonably well drawn, I thought.

I'm reading it now, and enjoying it so far. Still trying to decide if the interludes are annoying or not. On balance, I think better now that they are shorter. I'm at Page 224. I read like the sloth in Zootopia / Zootropolis stamps a driver's licence.

It would be a pleasure to make time for ATD.

Hello Zay, and welcome to Reading Excuses. I’m always pleased to read new writers on this forum. The anticipation of ‘hearing’ a new voice is really quite exciting. Not saying that it is always a rose garden as it turns out, of course Anyway, onwards and upwards... detailed comments first then summation at the end. “the length of infinity” – I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I reckon that infinity doesn’t have a length, as such, also, the next statement seems contradictory, when it implies that the dune does have ends. This said, striking image at the start. You've got my attention – “waves of frozen tar,” cool. “No, not at all.” – I think you’re missing a comma here and there, but then I own shares in commas, so I get 0.01 cents every time anyone uses one. Top of Page 2 – I'm really rather interested in what is going on here. Some kind of therapy, apparently, it’s an interesting idea for a story. “It’s the woman who breaks it.” – typo The therapist, for wont of a better word, makes the point about painful memories taking precedence, but the man had already made this point really, when he explained why he did not wipe his own memory. Seems to make her explaining this redundant. After the point above, I got kind of swept up in following the story through and stopped commenting on details. Okay then. Well, there was some good imagery, interesting and somewhat surreal visuals quite nicely done, I though. I found your style easy to read, pretty engaging. In the end, the content / plot left me a bit cold. It’s never really explained what is going on. Is he a tiny man in a large robot’s head, or is his existence as his own psyche an illusion? A metaphor for a man trapped in this new form of existence? In the end, I don’t really know, and I'm not sure how much I care, as there isn’t a lot to sympathise with in either of the main characters. On the whole, I'm glad you submitted this, and glad I read it. I will be interested to read your future submissions too, expecting some good, clean narrative and challenging ideas. <R> p.s. Congrats on your new arrival. I guess we'll see another submission from you in about 2019?

Lol - I picked up a very small amount from watching the mini-series Shogun, with Richard Chamberlain, where his is a sailor washed ashore on Japan and has to learn the language. I always remember, wakarimasu (I understand) and wakarimasen (I don't understand), which I always thought would be useful to know. Also the usual 'please', 'thank you' and that old staple 'four beers and a gin-and-tonic'.

Sorry this is so late so, without further ado... Chapter 17 “Now she’d forgotten all about it.” – But she hasn’t forgotten about it now, she forgot about it before, he’s just reminded her. “was a couch and stuffed chair” – is the couch not stuffed then? “an amusement park rollercoaster” – one word. “She resented her grandfather having them—that these connected her to him” – Phew, her hatred of grandpa is quite eye-watering at times. I’ve never been convinced at this, that she isn’t old enough to know that the way he looks is not his fault, but was ‘done to him’ by accident. I don’t think she is given enough credit for ‘emotional intelligence’ or insight that we have, even at younger ages. “You’ll get to see her again though, right?” – Now, this seems like a big statement, and yet it’s not absolutely clear what she means, I think. We’re talking heaven, right? Chapter 18 “She decided she was going up anyway” – Ooh, tense and exciting. “She put on the cloudsuit in the bedroom and crawled out the bedroom window” – Previous line suggests you’re going to state the location. “She aimed upward and slipped into the sky” – This is disappointing, I want more description of the weather. Is the rain splattering all over, driving her back, getting under her collar? How cold is it? Chapter 19 “but your word is better by a million miles” – Eh? I must disagree. Triangulator is a weird name for something that does not triangulate. There’s a joke in UK engineering about sending apprentices out to buy a packet of sky-hooks (or tartan paint), but cloud hook or anchor is a far more sensible name. Must be my engineering brain, but triangulator always irritated me. “I woke up going 120 miles an hour” – lol. “Vapor-blades break the akintium bonds between the cloud particles” – Wait, the what? Look, we all know what clouds are. You seem to be completing ret-conning the science of water vapour here. I've got to say this is a great big slap in the face. Cloud suits and all the rest of if I'm completely willing to accept, and I don’t want to know how they work, but changing established laws of the physical world bothers me greatly. “They’ll be here in a minute” – how does he know this? “a creature with the round face of an orangutan” – this feels like repetition after she likened herself to an orang-utan earlier. “Illegal,” said Ray” – I'm not really feeling this ‘illegal’ thing. Is it supposed to be funny? “what was it doing before you akintelized it” – Ok, we’ve had some explanation now, but see my summary comments. In summary, the akintelized thing bothered me. I don’t think it was well explained when it first came up that the akintium thing was not a natural process, but something man-made to be deployed in order to control the clouds. It read to me like you had changed the natural processes by which clouds work – and I was not happy about that. Otherwise, interesting chapter. The halting, mechanised delivery of the robots is probably going to get annoying pretty quickly. Also, the comment from Ray about Sira watching her weight was, I think, in poor taste and inadvisable. Did you say that this was YA? This is not the sort of mindset that you should be imprinting on young girls or boys, or rather not what you should be reinforcing, as it’s a pervasive force in society already. The scenes with grandpa were good, but Sira’s hatred of him seems beyond the pale at times. Like I'm not sure I even want her to come around, because it’s so hateful and just plain wrong. She has intelligence, resourcefulness, imagination, and yet she can’t see that he is not at fault? I'm just not convinced. In terms of pacing, I must admit that I think you could change it up a bit. There has been a pattern forming in recent chapters. Sira has awkward moment on the ground; Sira goes up into the clouds; Sira learns stuff; Sira comes back down. I really think you need to mix that pattern up more, break it up so the reader doesn’t latch on it – unless I'm the only one, of course. I'm hopeful that the next chapter, including the war games, will spice things up a bit, but I'm still on board, and still enjoying the story overall. <R>

Comments then summation. Sorry this is so late, btw, just struggling to write and critique at the same time! “His corrupted world deteriorating” – I feel it’s unclear whether it was corrupted before, or this refers to corruption by the ash. “Osha had been thorough” – I don’t understand if Osha is a person or a thing, and if so what kind of thing. “forcing him to brush it off constantly” – I picture ink smearing across the paper. “The dying vegetation that surrounded Alluren for miles, degrading into ash, had drifted and settled over the city causing constant ashfalls” – Does degrading mean burning, how else would the vegetation become ash? If it’s ash that is drafting and settling, then this is not ‘causing’ the ash fall, it is the ash fall. I'm struggling with the dialogue, it’s rather stilted. A good test of dialogue is to read it out loud. I appreciate that different races will use different forms of speech, but when it comes down to it, dialogue needs to be convincing. “They were both young for Allurians, about 30 years for a human, 200 years on his next” – I think using numerals in fantasy / historical etc. is a no-no. In SF, I would say okay, but seeing these numbers drags me out of the story. Look at the books you read, I think you’ll find this is the case. “His long, enhanced Allurian ears” – punctuation is important where using multiple adjectives. Here for example, I'm not sure if you mean his ears are long and enhanced, or have been enhanced for a long time (which would be ‘long-enhanced’). “I believe we’ll be safe to go this way” – Here’s a good example of what I meant when I mentioned dialogue. This is wordy and informal. Compare that with “Wait, safer this way.” I think the shorter form is more convincing as words said between a couple trying to escape an invading army. “Lyzell looked deep into those emerald almond eyes” – this is a bit of a mouthful, and it’s no time since we had the description, so this felt a bit OTT. “She spun backwards as it continued to come at her and brought her foot up” – Why isn’t she armed if she’s a skilled fighter? “THAT WILL BE UNNECESSARY” – I think, from the context? “Closing the distance quickly, Soryn wasn’t sure he was too late” – There are a lot of punctuation and typo issues. Okay, it’s a draft, and it’s all easily fixed, but I makes the piece feel rushed, with doesn’t assist critiquing. “he thought to himself, disgusted” – I don’t understand what he is disgusted by. It feels like an odd place to finish a prologue, or a chapter, like it’s hanging. If it is a prologue, and the purpose of this second POV is to show us that Alandria is still alive, then I think this second part is redundant. For me, I think it would be better for the reader to assume she’s dead and learn what happened in retrospect. This said, I'm not sure if I'm invested enough at this point to care especially whether she's alive or dead. I like the way you have made Alandria a strong and active character too. I think this is much more interesting than the previous version. Despite my comment directly above, although I may not be rooting for her yet, I do care more than I did in the previous version. I think there is a fair amount of work still to do to make this sing. I've mentioned my difficulty with the dialogue, and I find some of the language and description a bit ‘untidy’. This said, I get a good sense of urgency and I think there is good potential in the characters now that you have changed their dynamic (and that of their society). Good steps forward! <R>

Thank you, people. I've been aware of Bechdel for quite some time (not that I always pass it..., must do better), not the others however.

Ha, there you go. Sorry I 'typed over' you, NG.

Lol - I remember milk in bags from my school days - maybe it doesn't mean the same in Ontario. I'm pretty sure it was just for ease of packing large numbers or individual milk portions, and to reduce the volume of the waste. There is similar in French, which I speak reasonably well, the formal 'vous' versus the informal 'tu' - for the pronoun 'you'.

This does not sound like a recommendation, but then why would you want to read about your 'own life', as it were?

Hey @Blainejstephenson, just going to PM you that list now. I never did ask the WE team. I figure the info is up on the website for public use, but I would suggest not posting it openly anywhere. Don't want to ruffle any illustrious feathers

Welcome to Reading Excuses, @Zay Wolfe!! We mostly feel like this () all the time, except when we're , or , or maybe . Very occasionally, it gets a bit or , but we all end up in the end (I think), because we all want the same thing, to be better writers, of course

Sorry @kaisa, but... ROFL! Gender bias is one thing, but competitiveness(?) is a whole different ball-game ...then again, I will no doubt be rolling on the other side of my floor once I've taken a quiz (watch this space)

Oooh, there are quizzes? I'm in!! p.s. @TKWade, it's good to remember to only take on board the comments that you think are valid. Sometimes, I think there's a temptation, to believe all the comments and think that one has to make all the changes, but it's okay to disagree and leave certain things the way they are if you believe you are right, I know I do, sometimes

lol

Totally agree. There's no way you can see all the flaws in your story. Self-editing, beyond a certain point, is just plain impossible. Anyone who thinks that they edit their own work to a suitable level is almost certainly wrong. I would be astonished if you asked any published author this question and got a different answer. If nothing else, your editor (presumably) knows the market and the industry better than you would, certainly as a new author. Yup. Spot on. We all have bad habits and indulgences as writers that are better weeded out, I'm sure. Also, by having alpha and beta readers, then an agent (maybe) and an editor, you open up your story to a wealth, height, breadth and depth of experience, knowledge, training and expertise that you just don't have, and will never be able to accumulate as an individual.

It's been less colourful around here without you, @neongrey

I thought we were talking about Peter Parker's Uncle Ben, @Ernei?

@kaisa, presumably, this would be abattoiring, not fridging?

Hey TK, great to read something from a new voice on Reading Excuses, belated welcome from me. Straight into the comments, summation at the end. First sentence a bit tortured, but I get some nice images. You might consider reining back on the adjectives and adverbs a little. “Ulganian” is bothering me. I'm thinking Ulganians would be clearer. The former sounds like the singular. “The terrible invading army was filled with men in black chainmail” – I must admit that I thought we were hearing the account of a volcanic eruption. Actually, I felt a bit cheated to discover it was ‘only’ an invading army. The volcanic scenario evokes a deeper dread in a way, of the hopelessness of standing against nature. Also, there was nothing to imply a man-made force until suddenly there is an invading army. It felt abrupt. I would have liked a clue to allow me to deduce it for myself before it was announced. “a terrible black and blood red combination” – Lol. My brain turned ‘combination’ into ‘ensemble’ – with contrasting white feather fascinator, and alligator clutch. “Like a black river pouring through a cracked dam” – really like this image, as a civil engineer, I get a real sense of dread from that. “white robes in stark contrast to their black chainmail” – This image is very... well, black-and-white. White hat, black hat was a cliché before I was born, and that ain’t yesterday (or the day before, or the day before that...) “protectors and black-scaled Thrallar” – This is a compound adjective, you will normally see this form hyphenated. “They wielded colossal amounts of Source forging it into immense glowing balls of immense power that smashed against the magnificent walls of the beautiful city.” – Here’s a prime example of my concern about the adjective use. Every noun is preceded by an adjective, so you get a kind of rhythm that sounds repetitive. I suggest breaking that up by missing out an adjective and using two, occasionally, which you do sometimes, to be fair. Oh, and typo, repetition of immense. “Shouts and cries came from the window” – What window? This is a bit of a POV jolt, as it sounds like we’re in someone’s head for an instant. “The city of Alluren was ablaze in the early morning sun” – effective image. “The attack started hours ago, but Lyzell, a tall Ulganian with thick golden-brown hair and a coarse red beard, could have sworn it had only been raging for a few short hours”- These are the same, so he’s right! “He and his beautiful wife, Alandria” – Ha-ha, are you a Foo Fighters fan? Me too. The ‘beautiful wife’ thing is, I think, rather pointless. (Almost) everyone’s spouse is beautiful to them, even if not in that ‘obvious’ beautiful way (Friends shout-out anyone?). My point is, telling us she’s beautiful is redundant. I think it’s more interesting to either describe her, so the reader can deduce that she’s beautiful (dark eyes filled with pain, slender frame quivering with fear, etc.), or not describe her at all a leave us to wonder. “he dreaded it dearly” – Hmm, doesn’t sound right to me. “prophecies written on aged scrolls” – hmm, rather clichéd. This reminds me of the low hanging fruit argument on WE. When considering what the prophecies are written on, maybe don’t just take the first thing that comes to mind. Discard that, then discard the next one (papyrus), maybe even the next one (animal skin?) and use something different again, it will probably be more interesting (carved in ancient bark; drawn on linen in animal blood; scratched onto slate; tablets made from the ancient river’s clay; etc.). Just a thought. “worn, leather-bound books” “It was a lengthy, detailed letter that” – This doesn’t sound very frantic or urgent. “He had been at the letter for several hours attempting to cram all the information he could into it before it was time to set off” – Timeline issue, maybe. This suggests that he knew the attack was coming, since the attack is more recent than ‘several hours’, being only ‘a few hours’. “He would do anything to protect his beautiful wife” – Whoa, okay, I'm calling a gender issue here. This could be read that it’s her beauty that leads him to want to protect her. Calling her beautiful once is borderline, but twice is too much. “Yes, let us make haste. Quickly” – Is there another way to make haste? “The alley was full of a foggy mist” – Not misty fog? “didn’t seem to disturb the fog” – Mist and fog are not the same, strictly speaking. Fog is thicker than mist. “pulling Alandria along with him slowly” – No, if @kaisa doesn’t call this, I will be surprised. Is she not capable of keeping up with him, why isn’t she the one pulling him? This is something that I’ve become way more conscious of thanks the efforts of certain good people on here. It’s a real gender stereotype that he the female is not able to make progress or keep up without aid from the male. Thanks to WE and being on here for 3+ years, I am much more conscious now (although not always successful) at trying to do the less expected. I would suggest that, if you find yourself making an assumption, especially based on gender, consider whether it is justified, or trying and justify it in the narrative. Maybe she is lingering, looking back into their home and he needs to pull her away. Something to consider, anyway. “The creature tilted its head” – I’ve heard nothing to suggest it’s a creature, could be a man from my POV, or a woman. Well. I did enjoy that. There was some good imagery, and I felt that you generated a good atmosphere. Characterisation was a little flat, but I can see the potential. Perhaps the couple was just a bit generic, and could stand a little personalisation in passing (not extensive!). I think a couple of edits would sharpen this up a good deal. Most people could say that about their stuff, but we all need to hear it, I think. I would suggest ‘less is more’ would apply in several places where the narrative is a bit baggy and wordy. In terms of content, I think the point on gender roles is something to be conscious of. Give us a female character to route for, not just one who trails on the coattails of the protagonist then seems to die to generate emotional impact. I'm interested to read more. Decent job. <R>

Here, here.