Robinski

Nice to be on new ground. Comments. Another good epigraph, and I like the chapter title. Thal threw me for the first couple of lines, but I’m on-board and see how this relates and resonates with the chapter title, I think. I was troubled at first by another POV so soon, but I don’t see how else you would have conveyed this notion of…, and I’ll get the term wrong here no doubt, so my apologies, but… shifting gender? I don’t exactly know what’s happening, but I'm not asking for an explanation, I’ll go with it. “pale brown hair falling daggedly against their cheeks” – Huh? What this mean? I enjoyed the first section and came to terms well enough, I think, with the shift between Kath and Thal – I enjoyed the imagery there and how you presented Thal’s thoughts. “That anyone knows there's a 'you' to look for. And I think there very much is not.” – Something off here, I feel. I think this phrasing follows a different prior phrase about ‘someone looking for Thal’ – compared with something like ‘That anyone knows there's a 'you' to look for. And I don’t think anyone does.’ “No one will look for you, not out of any particular lack of concern for you, but because if anyone knew to look for you, they'd know to look for whomever architected that plan.” – First underline for consistency, but second… well, I just hate that. I don’t mean to upset you, but that’s not a verb, and I’ve glided past a few ‘new’ words, but I can’t get past this. Sav goes to the grammatical bother of saying ‘whom’ than says ‘architected’? (humph). I find the dialogue around Sav’s question about bringing down an empire confusing. Not the sentiment or the direction, but the detail and some of the grammar. These make the flow muddy, imho. I don’t see a reason for this passage of discussion to be unclear. I think it could be much more elegant and smooth. I don’t really follow the stuff about giving this answer or that answer. The last line comes out of nowhere for me, this bit about destroying the canal. Was that foreshadowed? I missed it if it is was. Lots of good stuff in this chapter, but also stuff that left me dissatisfied. Phrasing and grammar as just that, but my main gripe was Sav’s attitude to Thal. Why on earth would he want to help her bring down a society, just because he happens to be standing in front of her? And, despite being in his POV, we don’t’ get much sense of his reaction to this at all, somehow that feels like a bit of a swindle. Apropos of not much, I have sympathy at this point for Las but not for Sav, perhaps because I’m not really seeing (or getting) her agenda and motivations to do what she’s doing in striking against the Ael. <R> p.s. - Reading some of the other comments, I don’t see an issue with the length of the descriptions. I found Thal rumination on clothes and make-up useful to help me adjust to the ‘gender malleability’ (sorry, I don’t have the language) that I was seeing on the page. p.p.s - I see that the second conversation is something that you had the crosshairs at the time. I definitely agree.

The re-read continues some more, although I see I didn't comment on this version before. I am enjoying the epigraphs. Each one seems to have a different tone, and be in a slightly different form, each one hits a certain emotion, and does so effectively, imho. I like the references to heat and its effects (sweat and the promise of sweat). It’s good for setting to have this impression. Temperature is often missing in other works, and it’s a strong factor for building setting. “Lasila considers hiring a carriage rather than trying to walk through all this” It seems like you’re not averse to running similar sounding words together. E.g. “any conveyance that could would cost far more” – one example, but there have been others. Clearly not wrong, but I just felt more awkward than it needed to be. “She can't even enjoy taking in what the others in line are wearing like this” – awkward sentence. Sorry, I’ll go back to trying to skip over line edits. It’s not why I’m re-reading. Another one “knowing in truth that only that which is truly divine might still bear such wings” – maybe I'm missing it, but I don’t see a good reason not to use something like ‘knowing in truth that only the truly divine…’ “tipped with a red like flame” – at best, I think this should be hyphenated, but what is red-like that isn’t red? “And Las does not know how to believe in beauty, how to believe in the moment's joy.” – fantastic line. I also enjoyed the one about her not knowing how to pray. Strong sense of emotion and stillness coming through this section and your description. “there is nothing to celebrate in plucking them” – ‘picking’ would seem more appropriate. “Lasila feels herself all brass and angles” – wonderful phase. “she seems to not need the assistance” – this seems to be in Mar’s POV. I guess it can be read as Las’s, but I feel that’s the less obvious interpretation. “it's hard to tell what's real and what's sensationalized” – I do enjoy these subtle reveals on the nature of the war and society. Something about this, and the pace of society, the hand-to-mouth nature of the Ael’s existence at present – yet still maintaining social stratification, makes me think of WWII Britain. “Certainly that's the broad strokes” – Mar has been well-spoken so far, so this grammar drop feels wrong. “our testing might perhaps mistake that affinity for a vague connection to earth magic” – this seems a clear inference as to what is in Mar’s mind, and yet Las doesn’t react. Maybe it’s because she’s till disoriented. Then “Lasila will need to review the statues to be certain” – she doesn’t seem shocked enough to me, that Mar is suggesting that Las is ‘full’ of the enemy’s magic. “There's no guild to train me in its use” – Meh, it’s increasingly shocking that she’s so unaffected by this turn of events. I don’t mind incredulity, but I’m fighting against implausibility here. It’s the first time in the story so far. Only at the foot of Page 6, I feel, does her reaction start to chime with something reasonable (by my judgement) – i.e. her suspicion of being manipulated, which is very nicely conveyed. If I was given the choice, I’d choose the language in the last couple of paragraphs being tightened up, some of the phrasing and grammar would benefit from being more direct, I think. More so than the previous chapters, I found on several occasions I was tripping over language that we unnecessarily complicated. I felt like these instances crossed the line of conveying the story to the reader in an engaging way, and into over-complication. In terms of the story, I continue to enjoy what I think is a more direct order of event, better pacing of Las’s progress into the story, and increased tension in Sav’s POV. I like this version; I think it’s greatly improved. Nice note to end the chapter with a decisive step forward. My first gripe so far in three chapters is Las’s tone when she tests positive. I know she is a stronger character now, with greater self-belief. I think this works very well, but I think you go too far in what she is able to assimilate without shock or even the slightest surprise, when you make the reveal of her ‘hidden’ ability. <R>

The re-read continues. Highly effective introduction to Sav and to Var. Okay, there’s a lot of water under the RE bridge in the last year in terms of subject of gender. Obviously, I have read Sav before, and there’s been discussion, learning curve by fire. All of this means that when I (re)encounter them, and the pronouns around them, I am much better placed to absorb that. No test for me here though, but in a fresh situation, I feel like I am so much better informed. “he won't say outright what he can leave to implication” – This feels at odds with his completely unsubtle display minutes ago. I really don’t think he was trying to imply anything to the debtor. I don’t mind Var’s form of speech, but there are moments when it’s so thick it makes me cringe a bit. “Among other things. Back home there's property ownership requirements, and not insignificant ones.” – I’m not sure how to read this. It’s unclear to me. Back in Sav’s home? What’s that got to do with Var’s situation? “Envariden Senate decided a little barbarism can't be a bad thing” – It’s still a bad thing, I felt that it would be more effective to say something about it being tolerable, or preferable, or some such. “but if it actually has a chance of ending” – The war itself does not possess the chance of ending. I feel that ‘if there was a chance of it ending” would be more appropriate. “slouching so they can get at all comfortable” – phrasing a bit rough. Had to read it 3 times. “They pull out their pocketwatch, thumbing back the tarnished cover to check the time” – Lovely touch of detail. “They leave the door open behind them” – Do you mean unlocked? Otherwise, why would the bell ring later? I was unhappy with the scene break between the girl arriving and Sav claiming the satchel. What purpose does it serve? It’s a change of location, it seems, but I can’t see that any time has passed, and the players in the scenes are the same. “but they're more interested in how the girl got there” – ‘here’, I think. I feel a bit disconnected in the second half of Page 6, the phrasing seems circuitous, could be tightened up to make more satisfying reading. “this girl's family's” – awkward. The bells starting to ring as the last line seems melodramatic to me. I like ‘I believe you did’ as the last line, I think it lands with much more impact. Also, I felt the run into this conclusion was stronger before, certainly shorter. The girl’s reason for going to the temple of Ali seems weak. She went because Ali’s priests ‘know stuff about stuff’? If she was having visions of the Moon, why not go straight to Sav? What has brought me back to your story is the complexity of the characters, and that your show/tell ratio is like 9/1, very effective in getting character across, and better than before I think. In this chapter, all the characters come across well, although I think Kath’s background is a bit meandering. If humans are known for being direct, why doesn’t Sav just come out and ask the girl these questions, instead of going through all that internal conjecture? <R>

It's been so long since I read this that I had to read it again to get back into the story, because I have a memory like a sieve. Apologies if I'm dredging up stuff you've moved on from (I have no doubt this is the case), however here are some comments anyway. Reading your ‘sidebar’ story reminded me that I enjoy your style, and the complexity and detail of your storytelling, after that, curiosity to see how you had change things since we first started on the story in May ’16, well it peaked my curiosity, and the only place to start is at the beginning. Strong first sentence, and straight away I find that Las seems more competent. I remember having technical issues with the canal, I think I can accept it now because the statement about forcing the water upward is so unequivocal. There must be a story-consistent reason why that happens., move on. Nice introduction for Ilu, nice description, I get a strong sense of her appearance and also the room. However, “Her own chair wobbles”, bugs me, it’s discomfiting to imagine, but also it seems so unnecessary. I can’t see a good reason why the chair is without that wad of paper. “Most of what I do, it's not necessary anyway” – I don’t follow this line. I’d rather know here than wait to find out why, it casts doubt when I was perfectly comfortable at that point with Ilu coming to a female lawyer as an alternative. Her reasoning was sound, but this statement undermines my acceptance of the basis for this meeting. Would there be any harm in cutting this line? I don’t know what it’s there for. “There's much room for wealth, for power, if only she can distinguish herself” – I read this line several times, but still don’t feel I’ve got a good sense of what it means. “I do apologize." > "There is nothing to forgive” – I don’t think apologising and asking for forgiveness are the same thing. I ‘nothing to apologise for’ is the correct response from Las. “She's always morose when she hauls the water” – I think this should be past tense. Didn’t sound right to me, it sounds like it’s not in her POV. “foyer” sounds much bigger and grander than I think is the reality, compared to say ‘hall’ or ‘vestibule’. The description of the meal, and the food that remains for Las is a subtle but highly effective sign of their financial position, I feel. It sits well with all the other cues and really underlines their social standing, I think. “But Las advises against love. She has seen the death brought on by a broken heart.” – Bam, powerful stuff. “Food seems far less important” – This is a tell, I would drop it. Her comments about is marriage contract and talking to the neighbours leave me confused. She mentioned him finding a husband, a jibe I assumed, that’s fine. Is this more jibing? It seems muddy to me. I like her anger, it’s just the clarity here, for me. It’s a well-played and well-paced argument, I like it better than before, more compact I think, and her expletive is a nice punchline, because it’s so unexpected. It’s a well-timed conclusion to a nicely paced chapter, I thought, and an appropriate note of tension at the end, the fact of him leaving for so long. I don’t really need a line to draw me into the next chapter, because the characters are so well developed and engaging that I’m there already. I’m interested in seeing Las client work progressing, as there’s good grounding in the setting and current affairs. No actual explosions, but good promise of emotional ones to come, I think. <R>

Yippee! Shameless self-promotion , the fun doesn't stop! Tell me when and where I can leave comments / likes when you can.

I just felt like we were getting into it, there was tension and the conflict was starting to rise, when it stopped.

Hmm, okay, I can see that now. I'll consider flagging the payment better. Thanks

Ah, I did have to go and dig it out, so maybe it just doesn't come across clearly but, in the paragraph prior to the above... The girl returned with his water and a ZR code, which Quirk scanned with his cLife, adding half to the already significant cost of the water. She nodded and smiled appreciatively then withdrew. Perhaps it isn't clear enough here that he's paying?

ROFL Really, by whom? James? I didn't really get this association. Hmm, I shall file this information away... Prescriptive comments? Well, your physics is off... (kidding! ) I agree about the ending, I want... more from it. I'm not entirely satisfied, I'm not even 100% convinced that I'm mostly satisfied. There is satisfaction, I feel like I've been along an arc, but not the entire arc of the story, like you've made promises that you haven't kept. What might those be? Well, there's a hint that Cl has 'changed' in that she's not going to Jas's house, but it's one night, she just as well could go back to him tomorrow. It feels rather like a decision, not a change. I feel like I want a clearer, more satisfying resolution that shows she has made a bigger change (assuming that's what you're going for). So, spitballing some random thoughts that I haven't thought through properly, but which feel like they might be satisfying: (1) - She goes out of the shop after Dragon, sees him in the street and calls, "Wait up." (2) - She phones her mum back and tells her she and James are through. (3) - She phones James up and tells him to pick up his d4mn boots, put them on and start walking. Maybe these are too obvious, but I feel like I want an ending that is at least a bit less open.

Looking forward to seeing how things have changed since October. “I feel my chest expand with a sigh.” “maybe I need wine” – I am now identifying closely with this character. “he looks especially nice today” – I feel like this is a nothing word. Not that the character might not think it, but that, in thinking it, she’s not admitting to herself what she actually is thinking. So, I get no emotion from this though at all. Does she mean hot, well turned out, pleasant and welcoming? I’m not saying that she should think anything different than she does, just that it doesn’t really convey anything. No, wait, it conveys that she’s not willing to admit to herself how she actually feels about the guy. This is fine, carry on. Typo: “Someone runs bumps into my chair” – sorry, sure others have picked these, but it’s pretty much the only way I know how to comment. “That’s so great.” – This seems very gushy. He’s just switched yoga studios, not cured the common cold. But maybe uncomfortably gushy is what you were going for. Personally, I would hyphenate “thirty-minute”. Typo: “Maybe if I go to my James’s place, his cat will sleep on my head” – ROFL, just like last time. And that took me through to the end. I thought it read well, smoothly, smoother than the last time, if I remember correctly. I found the character interaction effective, certainly engaging enough that I was carried through the story. I don’t think I have sympathy for either character, not unqualified sympathy anyway. She is more sympathetic than he is, in my view. I find her reactions more convincing, whereas his, to me, get petulant. Why is that, I ask myself? If he’s a god, why is he not above such childish behaviour? So, I am entertained and engaged, and I think it is better than before. It’s still not exactly the sort of thing that would set me off pursuing an author’s other work, since the fantastical elements are few and not really all that relevant, it seemed to me. Which is odd maybe, since I enjoyed Of The Mountain Stream more, and yet I don’t think we’d seen any SFF elements in that first chapter. Anyway, good work, thanks for sharing again, and I would happily read more of OTMS, if you get back round to that, and actually, I would read anything else you submitted (despite above comment!), because I do enjoy your style. <R> p.s. - I find the title a bit cumbersome, compared for example to something snappier and more mysterious like 'Hot Tea'.

Right, yes, overhaul of some sort for Chapter 1 although, as noted, this might not be Chp.1 next time around, due to the delay in introducing Quirk, and to avoid new writer syndrom. Cool - after further review, I'm willing to cut 40% of the commas from this sentence. Ooh, err, didn't he? Oops... (Dr. Brown?! Fire up the retcon machine...) Thank for reading, @Hobbit, much appreciated, and glad you enjoyed it. Tail off or lack of development of tension in Chapter 2 clearly is a thing. I will need to consider that carefully, and consider it I will. It's great to have your comments, some positives and some confirmations. Very helpful

I figure the fact that I am not at all caught up with The Waning of the Sun will help me to take this on as a separate work. Off we go then. I like very much the jarring effect of Iln eating the caterpillar when the language preceding suggests gentleness and interest, almost a sense of companionship. “This is a language of invasion and of punishment” – great line. I’ve never considered before now in reading your work (what, about 7 or 8 chapters?), how the word aelin is an anagram of alien – gosh, I am dense sometimes, but it was interesting to realise this. Then again, maybe that speaks to how effective the term ‘aelin’ is on its own – I feel it sounds ethereal, almost primal, as it should. I enjoyed the complexity, the elegance of the language; it’s enjoyable to read for its own sake. I also enjoyed the situation and the interactions, and very much that there was ‘no’ fighting, it does make a nice change. I suspect that the story was operating on a level that I did not understand. Complicity was a theme, that seemed clear, but I felt there were subtleties that were veiled (if you will), and that I was seeing hints of without understanding. I do find myself still thinking about that this hidden levels might be. Is Iln’s touching the servant what she considers to be complicity, that level of interaction? I suspect not. I enjoyed revisiting the world you are writing, and I’m still interested to visit it again. <R>

May I have a spot on Monday, please?

Thank you! I was worried that no one was going to 'knock that one over the line'. Hmm, I mean, at least - give or take - I can imagine what a dragonling might look like, as opposed to having to use some other word that I can't visualise - like that parallel discussion about 'olyve'. It was more the unexpected genre 'jolt' - as I felt it - as if I'd been cast adrift from the story I thought I was reading. It's probably my entrenched expectations coming in. That's cool. I've heard the word used in a medieval context so, again, it probably just stood out for me as feeling a bit out of place, as the rest of the language is quite contemporary casual, with contractions, etc.

I honestly didn't think of her as likeable, but neither did I dislike her. I suppose you can ascribe a lot to her reaction to the illness but, her messy apartment, her negative feelings towards others, I can understand how she would end up like that, but these are still negatives that undermine her likability (for me anyway). I think the story would be more challenging to write, and therefore probably to read, for you to take the other path and convince us that she would choose it, and show what impact that has on her at the end.

Interested to see how you have changed things up, especially the ending, of course. Off we go! I’m a bit confused about where we are. If the doc knocks on the door, I’m thinking it’s C.’s room, but then the doc sits in front of a computer, which makes it sound like the doc’s room. “or watching the ones you love to have it” “The pharmacy was only a couple of blocks…” I don’t think you need to say “active military”, I think “stationed in Iraq” says it all. I would drop several from ‘several emails’ because it seems to contradict ‘few’. “no bother troubling him” – Do you mean not point troubling him? I don’t think you need the scene break ‘++++++’, I think the narrative flows along fine, she goes from the surgery to the pharmacy. “in here her early adulthood” “remnants laid lay across a coffee table” ‘unfruitful’ or ‘fruitless’? The first sounds awkward to me. I don’t think ‘even more horrific’ needs the comma. It’s not an additional phrase, it’s an integral part of the sentence. I like the man’s line about getting back to where she was before. “Well, you died.” I very much like the man cocking his head and listening, as if to ‘the Boss’. Surely, the accident has already killed Henry if it has killed Charlotte? The man says ‘will’. I think the future would come over better if you put it in future tense. “Booker will have a bad day… he will come home from work…” I think it’s more powerful; has an air of prophecy about it, imho. So, the ending. I think it’s better, but the thing is, I never feel like she is going to make any other decision than the one she does, the right and morale one. I think it’s because it seems clear from the rest of the story that she has come to terms with her illness, and her own death. Also, there is no debate or wrestling with the decision, no time for the reader to assimilate or ponder, she just ups and walks through the door. I think it would be more interesting if she chose the other option, or perhaps to enact a double bluff to convince the reader that she’s going to take the cure, and then double back and go through the door. Anyway, still better than before. Interested now to go and read the rest of the comments! Thanks for sharing. <R>

What RDP said. WE characterise it as two characters saying things that they would already know, and therefore would never actually say. So, for example... Maid: "I do not need to polish the silver today, Mr. Potts, because the master and mistress is away." Butler: "That is true. As you know Mary, they has gone to the city in order to visit the master's soh-li-si-tor. Now put the kettle on, there's a good girl." * (*Clearly, I have included this last bit in order to make sure that my period drama dialogue is effective and convincing, and not to court a response from @kaisa. I've never seen Downton Abbey, but I am given to understand that this sort of thing actually happened in those times.)

After the discussion that went before on the first part, I’m interested to get into this second part. I’ll try and not duplicate the observations with my previous (and others’ comments previously), but might just high level some of those things as (or if) they appear. I wonder if a meeting place with civilians might be safer, due to the greater political fallout if innocents were harmed? S. mentions the admiral, knowing it’s his mother. Reading this now, it seems like a bit of a sneak to not have any reveal, or even hint, here. I do like S.’s protests about how could they not know about the admiral, like, ‘Man, you guys are dense.’ I’m no expert, nor an enthusiast, but the term ‘large bore’ seems kind of irrelevant to a rocket. I tend to associate it with rifles. Also, how large bore can it be if it’s a hand-held rocket. Surely it’s smaller bore than your average rocket, to be portable? I’m feeling that all of the attackers have failed their competence roll and suddenly are inept. One guy running at a bunch of attackers with guns and no one can hit him? I’m not seeing how this comes about. If the enemy is blinded by the dust, how come the Swarm can see through it? “Let’s go before they can reload” – but they don’t all fire, or reload, at the same time. This doesn’t make sense to me. How does he get that they are good mercenaries; they haven’t laid a glove on the swarm and there’s no indication and of the regular soldiers have gone down? Also, how is it that he gets 3 years in pokey for wielding a sword but there was no chat about him being punished for using a pistol, which earlier, were indicated to be outlawed for mercs? S. thought they were decent mercs, now they are horrible ones? She’s using a bow inside a tank? Hmm, maybe the problem is that I can’t picture the imperial ship at all. I had thought it was sound kind of ground cruiser thing, because it couldn’t bring guns to bear on the ground, although that seems odd either way, not a god design. “injured earlier” sounds like much earlier, like half an hour ago, but it’s just happened right that moment, basically, it’s still happening. The guys being no match for her, and her cleaning them out are not contrary things, so the word ‘but’ doesn’t fit. Why is S. sorry? He beheaded someone about 5 minutes ago. That seemed out of character to me, rather than this being so. This is an imperial ship, but it’s been high jacked by anarchists, right? Because the admiral is an imperial admiral, right? So, is this vehicle flying? They’ve gone into the bridge, but we get no sense of what it looks like, how many people, the damage or the view out of the front of the ship. It really hurts the sense of place and the reader’s sense of what is happening. The vehicle is subject to turbulence or uneven ground, so you could give a sense of movement (and therefore place) by the forces acting on the characters. “What are you doing here?” the man continued. “We reassigned you to the eastern wastes. We couldn’t risk you getting involved.” – Sorry, but this exposition is horribly crude. I think it’s just the phrasing, or maybe it’s me, but I feel like “S.? You should be XX miles away, your assignment…” I reckon it’s about testing dialogue by reading out loud to see if it sounds like something someone would say. I struggle to believe ‘full draw’ is an archery term. Maybe worth a bit of investigation to make and similar references convincing. Unless full draw is industry-approved, in which case, objection withdrawn! J****** looks awfully like Iwo Jima. I think quite a lot of readers might make that association. We know M.’s badly founded, he’s been on the edge of death for the last 5 minutes. Don’t need to tell us how badly injured he is. Wha….? Did S. just say ‘dastard’? Is that a typo? I know it’s a word, but I just thought the circumstances called for the other word ending in –astard. Whose POV are we in? I don’t we should be getting feelings from D. Okay, are we in D.’s POV? If so, it seems unnecessary to add a POV when S. is in the room with her. This makes me doubt my assumptions about POV from the start. Most things fall downwards, hunter-killers included. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that one.) Where does the rubble come from? I might have expected fragments of metal, but also, surely it’s so far away that they cannot see such detail. If they can see that, they’re too close. WHHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT??????!!!! …just happened? The ending of this chapter just blew my mind, and not in a good way. I was uncomfortable before with the inclusion of magic. We’ve got guns and swords and mixed future tech (yes?) and suddenly there’s a dragon? It’s like Daenerys Targaryen just appeared in the story. I just can’t get a handle on what kind of story I’m in and it’s starting to bug me. Maybe that’s my problem, but I’m still trying to assimilate plot and all the characters and what seems to be a twist that, somehow, they’ve found themselves on the wrong side of the fight, but now all that is bombed out by a dragon. My difficulty, I think, is that I want to know what genre I’m in and I just don’t. I don’t want to end on a downer though. I am growing content with the main characters, although I think they could be more rounded quicker, and more smoothly introduced. I also like the idea of the plot (as I’m seeing it presently) although I need more description of scenes like the ambush to enjoy them properly. The thing is, now, I don’t know whether to expect a balrog, a TIE fighter or…., the Spanish Inquisition! Oh, and I did enjoy the pacing, I felt some buzz from the combat and felt the threat, although some of the beats didn’t land for me, and I don’t really feel any actual threat from the other side, like they could lay a glove, or even wound one of our group. <R>

Totally agree, although I have been somewhat guilty of that in the past myself.

This seems to me like a pretty fundamental problem. I feel like perhaps it's the same with settings/locations? They also felt blank to me, as did many of the objects. For character descriptions, as a place to start from a low base, cheat. Take pictures from the net of random people and use those, at least until you get into the swing of if, because if you have no description, at all, I think you're going to struggle to engage readers. I don't mean describing every freckle on your m/c's face. You don't need to do that, in fact that's a bad thing right there, but give us something. He's got dark hair and a lazy eye; she's a red-head with a small mouth; just a couple of cues that give us something to work with. Similarly with your last location, the village, give me something to hold onto and visualise, there are a dozen cottages, white-washed; there's the smell of cow dung and old smoke in the air. Literally, the first thing that comes into your head is better than no description at all - you can always change it later.

Looking forward to reading some more of your work. Straight into it. I didn’t get who was knocking. I thought S was in the room at first. Secondly, to me, a room is a relatively small thing. If this has an airship in it, I’m thinking hanger or warehouse, something that conveys a big space. The name of the character and the name of the swarm are similar. I’m going to go ahead and nit-pick here; the name itself isn’t faint, it’s the writing that’s faint. Repetition of ‘his’ in the same sentence is awkward. Sorry, I’m going to try and stop the LBLs because I should be looking at the whole. I love the image of the girl with the wrench, but she’s quite free to give her name to someone she doesn’t know. Maybe just my suspicious nature. Ach, can’t do it. Repetition of ‘them’ was awkward, as was the phrase ‘under them’, which is unnecessary. I don’t think someone would say that. Who else would he be asking for a job when he’s come here? ‘Aerial cows’, ‘bricks’ – lol Do like a character with a post, I’m interested. I think you were going for ‘lead one called out’ – it’s a bit clunky. Can you say ‘leader’? The greetings confuse me, people nodding and descriptions flying around. It feels over-familiar and scattered, and I lose track of who is who. I come back to the fact of all these people sharing names with a guy they don’t know. It feels like the author getting all the names out on the paper. I don’t think it’s working. I’d prefer one identifier for each person, then drop in more as you go, I think that would feel more organic, and would be much easier for the reader to assimilate. Okay, I’m going to sigh at this point. I feel like I read/watch a story a week with a sociopath or sociopaths in it. I think it’s reached the point of cliché now. But the worst thing is people calling themselves sociopaths, like it’s a badge of honour, like they’re trying to be cool. ‘We’re not just hard, we’re not just loners, we’re sociopaths. There are some nice lines, but some of the dialogue feels a bit forced to me. The stuff about she’s this one and I’m that one. And then the protest from S about being older – I didn’t follow that. I believe you would draw and diagram, not write it. S. explaining to the reader what the anarchists want to do came over clunky to me. I like D.’s ironic description of mercenaries – thumbs up. “It’s becoming increasingly more apparent.” Another character with an ‘S’ name, really? That’s four ‘S’ names, I think, and I wasn’t counting Scrs. I’m missing something about the logic. If the enemy know which is the right convoy, why would they send a smaller force there? At the end of the day, when all the bluffs have been played, they have a small force in the right place and a larger force in the wrong place. Why would they do that? D. comes across looking a bit silly in the argument about A., I thought, because being shy and not liking to talk are completely different. I struggle to see another interpretation of that. I like N. as a character, and S. is fine so far, kind of neutral as he’s in responsive mode. The others, I feel like they are trying too hard, protesting too much, etc. I’m really losing patience with people telling my how (in)sane they are, and that they’re rebellious. These things are measured in deeds, telling people it’s so does not make it so. I very much doubt a gunslinger would call ammunition ‘bullets’. ‘Shells’ perhaps, or ‘ammo’, ‘clips’ depending on the type of the weapon. “this is kind of a pathetic armory” > phrasing. For me, is vague and indirect, compared to, say “this armoury is pathetic” for example. S. doesn’t strike me as someone who would pussyfoot around if he’s going to insult someone. “This bow’s magical” – was a bit abrupt and left me kind of puzzled, but I guess she just magicked the walls so, okay. I’m wondering if I really need magic to be a part of the story when I’ve got steampunk (did you say it was., or am I mixing it up with another?). Anyway, I’m interested to see where that goes. “You’ve never heard of me, have you?” – lol I get a bit confused who Scrs. is because of the number of names I’m juggling that were all introduced together. The second part of K.’s description of the village is a bit dumpy, but I’m interested. Also, I’d rather you showed by S.’s expert piloting rather than telling me. That’s doesn’t mean a blow-by-blow account of the landing, there are other ways to do it. “You’re the wildest card…” – see above. However, more relevant, I was surprised to get another POV in a short like this (I think it is, Pt. 1+2?). I thought it was because S. was behind the wheel, but when they get out he is there. I’m confused, POV-wise. Very leading question from D. to S. about him having history with the admiral, it sounded like she was going to go ahead and describe the history in the question. Them arguing like children is weird, but works for me. I think it’s a good example of you showing me they’re crazy rather than telling me, even if it’s the characters telling me, which I think might be worse. More surprising, I think, is that they seem to know very little about their mission. The tactics feel weird, I don’t know, they don’t seem good, and this place seems absolutely perfect for an ambush. In summary, I’m not bowled over. There is some good interaction within the groups, and some good characters, but others I’m not keen on. I like the tone, and the idea that the group could come together and have a good dynamic. The things that bothers me most, I think, is the plot, the idea of the mission seems flawed from the start and there is very little discussion of tactics and approach, contingency planning, etc. Also, there is virtually no description at all, so I have almost no visuals in my mind. This is probably making me more critical of the plot. There are few sights (and they’re black-and-white); almost now sounds; no smells or tastes or textures. I feel it makes the narrative rather bland, and makes the dialogue have to do all the work, which leads to its cracks showing. I hope that this is helpful. Now I’m off to read the forum comments then to the next bit of the story. I see now that it is a novel, not a short. Don't know where I got that from. <R>

I agree. I was searching for the punchline and it's not really there, other than in my head! No doubt Brian will not survive to the third draft

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Umm, okay, if you say so. I agree with the statement that the style flows nicely. Bits and pieces, usually editing stuff, but I read through without any crashes (so to speak). Still, I remain confused , and I see that I'm not alone. I think there's a good story to be had here, and maybe I'm just not smart enough to see it in its present form, but I think there is a need for... something. Clarity? I know you don't want to erect a great big signpost to the ending, but I feel like I need more help.

Hey there, looking forward to reading something new from you. From consultation with my extensive records, I see I’ve only read one of your submission before, so I’m looking forward to reading something new. I hope there are useful comments here. Talking about the memories, I’m thinking we’re talking about same kind of automaton, but regardless, the word ‘saved’ seems a bit simplistic compared say to something like ‘downloaded’, ‘backed-up’, ‘cached’, ‘uploaded’ or even ‘stored’. I just felt that, in this day and age (not knowing when the story is set, of course), that most people, certainly young ones would be likely to use a more technical or savvy term. The bit about her body being a rotting corpse, I thought, was a bit rambling. I think that could be tighter. I’m not entirely clear on the conditions under which they would come looking for her, or not. “Thinking will do nothing but distract her” – This is a peculiar line! It very much depends what she is thinking about, surely? “…the mind of men” – Really? I feel a little like I’m back in the ‘Golden’ years of Science Fiction, when women travelling in space, very sensibly, wore bikinis and got themselves kidnapped by hideous space aliens (sigh, head shake), requiring men to come a rescue them. [It’s irony, don’t hurt me @Kaisa!!] Wow, there’s a weird thing. For the second time in two days I’m going to say that the narration/epigraph interspersed with S’s perspective reminds me of Richard Burton’s narration in Jeff Wayne’s musical version of War of the Worlds. I can hear Burton’s authoritative tones imparting this highly significant information. I’m enjoying it actually, and interested to see how far it continues. And please be assured I’m not dissing it, I’m enjoying it. Search it out on U-tub, I bet it’s on there. “It is impossible to predict how evolution will take its course” – There’s something off with the grammar here. I think it’s overcomplicated, which increases the scope for ‘inaccuracy’, of course. For comparison, ‘It is impossible to predict the course of evolution.’ “It’s been a long time since anyone has used this, she thinks.” – This thought feels really obvious. Give the reader credit for stuff like this. At best, it’s telling. I guess her thought is valid, of course she’s going to think that, I guess I would think that myself. Just because it’s obvious, doesn’t mean it doesn’t go through your head. Hmm, interesting then to consider at what point you can assume that 90% (or whatever) of your readers will make the right assumption so you can leave something out. Arrgghh, no, S*die, no! Battering’s no good!! Leverage, girl, leverage is what you need. Tell her, @Mandamon. What exactly is the conventional way for the door to open? Unclear here. “Beyond lies another hallway” I don’t understand how she can be getting an idea for the architecture, I have no clue at all! I should say at this point that I am intrigued and keen to find how this plays out. I am engaged and interested. I always seem to question and find what might be faults and not say enough about the positives, I feel. So, pleasure be assured that I am engaged. Nice comments about the scratch on the wall being the last trace, powerful stuff. Ouch. Her other discovery? I’m confused. Have we heard about this? ‘bidden their time’ vs ‘bided their time’? – I’ve never heard bidden before. “her security clearance had been revoked” You’ve lost me here. I had assumed that she was in the future and the narration was in the past, because of the tense, I suppose. However, it seems now that this is not the case, and we are another way around; the narration is beyond her? Now that she is in some kind of flashback, it’s like introducing a third tense. Whose mind does she have time to change? Inspecific. Love grandpa’s line about the world waiting till you’ve turned your back. I feel like there are a couple places where the tense is wandering. ‘there were are still a couple of NoveGear employees’ (surely). The timeline is confusing me now, but maybe that is the point, maybe I’m going to have a lightbulb moment at the end and yet, presently, I’m confused, rather than seeing the solution starting to emerge. “She doesn’t know” – yeah, I feel like tense use is a bit inconsistent. The End. I certainly felt the tension, as you had a ticking clock going towards the end, but still, I’m left more confused than anything else. I’m trying to decide if the story is much cleverer than I am or, in fact, if it is lacking a consistent through line. The result is that I’m left with more questions than anything else, and I don’t mean deep, morale questions about what it means to be human in 2017, but questions about the plot. Who’s human at the end, and who is not? The androids call themselves human? How can the secret text be what it is, when the writer seems to be writing about things happening to S? I’m going to have to paste this up and read the other reactions to see if it’s just me. Thanks for submitting. My brains hurts now. <R>