Robinski

Hey, thanks for reading RD, much appreciated, and very glad you're enjoying it. I just typed a comment about story and pace, etc. then deleted it, because I should not be setting up expectations here for what is to come - so I'll just have to see how you guys react as we go! So, we're 82 years behind them. 82 years ago was 1935 was the heyday of the Hollywood heartthrob - Clarke Cable, Errol Flynn, etc. - some movies from 1935: - The 39 Steps (original and best with Robert Donat and Madeline Carrol) - Mutiny on the Bounty (Gable and Charles Laughton) - Captain Blood (Flynn) - Top Hat (Astair and Rogers) - A Night at the Opera (Marx Brothers) So, short answer I think, is yes - some people will be. In fact, I'm quite sure we'll still be talking about Charlie Chaplin, Lillian Gish, Buster Keaton, Laurel and Hardy and actors who were active longer ago than 1935. Will Morgan Freeman and Anthony Hopkins be in the discussion? Hmm, I think there's a reasonable chance. Thanks again!

p.s. - On the whore thing - I have no problem with it, bit of tidying up maybe. The boy - just make him a bit older. I'm with @neongrey on the reaction scale - I wouldn't tear this to bits, I think it just needs the usual level of refinement and tightening up that any early draft does.

Interested to see how you handle another POV. I must say my reaction going in is that Till easily is strong enough to carry the story by himself. I’m thinking of the advice given to new writers (often) to start with one POV and learn the trade, so to speak. So far, I’m thinking that’s a good idea here, but let’s see. Why does she need to go through a pretence? My impression was that the hidden child could not see her coming. Why not just walk up and grab him? “Outland trash,” said the boy – lol, nicely done, surprising yet inevitable. I like the way that you echo the phrase about helping people, and how it’s slightly different each time. Another thing that strikes me about this section is that the language is less frenetic / lyrical / hard-boiled than in Till’s section – to the point that it could be a different story altogether. I don’t have an issue with that, I’m not sure how it would weave together over the whole story, interested to see that. The introduction of Coil came out of nowhere and rather threw me, as I couldn’t figure out at first who he was. That could be smoother, or maybe just flagged a bit more in the lead up. You mention her family, but I didn’t snag on that. I guess I equated ‘family’ with her mother and didn’t go any further than that. Another thing, Coil dying and her mother’s failings are not contrary things, so I don’t think ‘whatever’ is the right word there. Nice reprise of the key phrase, but the narrator’s flat our statement at the end was rather jarring. Also, I’m a bit confused now about the arrival of the letter. I thought that L was recalling when the letter arrived, and that it was prior to her encounter with the boy at the stall, but it just arrived that evening. I see now that it’s clear enough. I think “Of course” threw me off. I think that needs to be clearer. Another strong section. Am I now convinced that two POVs are necessary in the story? Not really. L’s a good character, but I think I’m still of the view that Till is strong enough to carry this story by himself. Dunno, jury still out. I’d like to read more. Good job though, enjoyed this too. I like L’s voice and her character. She’s good and morale, but flawed and damaged, always interesting. Well done. <R>

We might have been arguing about whisky, but I refuse to acknowledge the existence of whiskey. Yeah , it was Waifs and Strays, maybe just one (or two) too many scenes in the/a tavern. Perhaps fair point, although I tended towards feeling that it didn't matter where a couple of those scenes took place, to which you would very reasonably respond "Well set them somewhere else then!" - I suppose

On to the next part. Till - 1 I like the epigraph. Punchy and full of conflict, promises tension and violence. I’m getting confused. It’s a bright morning nearby, but not here? He’s limping, that’s a pretty good advert for weakness. At least the cane can be used as a weapon. I like your description/introduction to the brothel, nicely done. I’m feeling it. I do however always seem to feel like I’m hovering on the edge of not understanding. I think an editing pass for clarity would be a good thing, refinement of language, tightening is a word I’m using a lot recently. That comes with a language edit, I suppose. I don’t know whether Surr is male or female for a long time into the meeting. Also, ‘nicer bottles’ doesn’t convey much at all. I don’t know if it’s wine (unlikely if it’s stored behind the bar, could be red, I suppose, or badly kept white), or spirits and if so of what stripe. This is a good opportunity for a little light world-building / local colour. Ooh – I once got a row from @Kaisa for setting a scene (several, in fact) in a tavern. Now, I guess you’re in a brothel here, but it’s still a bar, so I’ll be interested to see what reaction you get. “turned to look at the kind of person he would have been if he'd stayed” – like this line, and the one slightly after when he wonders what he looks like. These are nice character touches, imho. Increasingly in this first part (and hopefully in the writing going forward), I find nice language and subtle phrases, nice lines that reveal character and hint at background in quite a compact way. I find I’m getting a pleasing sense of Till, Surr and A that makes me want to know more about them and the situation that brings them together. With a pass or three on grammar, typos and tightening/refinement, I feel there is some very nice work here. “he pissed more than he had thought he needed to” – this is what I’m talking about. Great line, fresh, tells me something about Till and makes me smile. “He hadn’t had plans for years.” – yeah, this too. Till - 2 “It was validating to be replaced by two people…” – Lol – nice line. “you could see the rest of the blow that had taken it in the scar that ran down her lips and onto her neck” – I’m trying to decide if this line is just great, or something more. If I call it ‘fantastic’, is it the glass-and-a-half of sauvignon blanc talking? How will I feel about it in the morning? Who cares? Right now, this is a fantastic line, well done. For me, it really sings. “which was exactly what she was doing to the poor wretch…” – Boom! Ouch. This is the way to introduce a character. You’ve already set her up as a bit fascinating, but now she is a stone-cold killer too. Ahem, right, this is getting a bit weird. If you told me you had wiped my memory of the last 24 hours, then told me that, during those 24 hours, I had written this paragraph, I would believe you. I don’t say this to sound conceited, but I just feel this is so close the style that I’m pushing towards. I would be pleased, then I would start editing. “He was in love.” – I like how you earned the right to use this phrase completely free from fromage, because of what lead up to it. “rust” – Ha-ha, I think I have three or four chapters in TMM that end like this. Till - 3 I’ll lay myself open to the brickbats and those other things that go with them, but this is the way to avoid male gaze, for me, “She smelled amazing” – this said, I am not the adjudicator of these things, so I’ll be fascinated to read the other comments on the thread. “reminded him of things it used to make him feel” – (thumbs up). No, you’ve lost me there. The stuff about the assassin and the canticle. I came off the rails there, lost the thread. “Always clean.” – No, why wouldn’t they be? Mmm, I’m thinking of toilet hygiene at this point, but I shouldn’t be. “illicit substances and physical comfort” – tee hee. “smashed his cup” – isn’t it a glass if he’s drinking the same liquor? Till - 4 “bleeding out like art” – no debate over this one, fantastic line. A few good lines and nice touches, and just as much untidy stuff that needs editing, imho, but I still get the nice chewed-off hard-boiled noir vibe that I’ve been enjoying from the start of the narrative (as opposed to the prologue). Summary, I really enjoyed it, and I’d love to see it again in two versions time. Where are you at with the overall story. Dare I hope that this is a finished work? I sense not from the seeming deceleration in submitting, but I’m interested to know. So, I shall go check out the comments now before moving on to the Lyan segments, but I want to close by saying nice job, I enjoyed it. <R>

Meh, I'm short changing you here and trying to rationalise in my head... Boo, bad Robinski. Once I get caught up with stuff I haven't read before, I'll come back around and dissolve myself in the Dissolution-verse! Promise.

Hey there, I’m well behind the curve here, apologies for that, however now full steam ahead in catching up. I’m reading pieces through all available submissions, so I’ll go through your three in order. I hope these comments are helpful, and not too late! Phew, first page and I’m gasping for breath, mostly because of the lonnnnng sentences. I like the idea you’re going for, it’s different and could be effective, but I feel that the language is a bit rambling and slightly muddled in places (typos excepted, of course). When you invited the reader to skip on I thought, ‘Uh-oh’ because, at that point, I am still trying to figure out if I’m engaged or not. I’m still here though, let’s press on. The story of the city sounds like and info-dump, but I’m prepared to go along with it because I’m interested in what you’re telling me. Maybe there’s a better way to convey the info in a less blatantly expositional way, but I’m not considering that right now. “but they also know many different truths” – how very topical “I’ll do it often and you’ll have to forgive me for it” – I wouldn’t advertise this, personally, I can see a fair few readers getting frustrated with the rambling style, and if you announce or imply that the whole story is like this, I think you will turn quite a number off. I would say that an order doesn’t ‘take place’, but is established, or ‘comes into being’. The bit about the colours makes little sense to me, and I don’t really care about that now, if at all. What I hear in this part is the narrator telling me I’m too stupid to understand what he’s talking about, so don’t worry about it and just keep reading. That’s a hard turn off right there. One thing that strikes me here (for some reason) and pleases me greatly is the paucity of capitalisation which is, I think, as it should be. So, people’s hair grows really quickly, or grows at will, it seems according to what you say about the black knight. Again, with the colours, and a ‘Hey, you, pay attention to this.’ Feels like I’m in school and I’m sitting at the back of the class. The kid was projecting. The description seems unnecessarily complicated. The bit about the crowd going silent, and then something happened, and then the crowd really went silent – it’s confusing, choppy and needs tidying up, I think. I should also say at this point that my attention certainly is held by the drama of this display, and wondering if the First really is dead, defeated by his hubris. I like your description of the crowd going mad and the causes of that. I felt that was effective. Heh, well then, I like what you took on here and I think, with a few edits to tighten up and refine the narrative, you have an interesting and novel opening to a story. Assuming a ‘typical’ level of improvement through editing, I can say that I am engaged at this point, and I’m curious to see where we go from here. Although you dumped a fair amount of info in this prologue, I didn’t mind that, and weeding out the rambling of this opening, plus boiling down the info itself, will leave a more palatable introduction. The first bit about the colours, I thought, was verging on condescending, and I think you would have a smoother ride if you dropped that, I don’t’ see that it’s integral to the story, but it is annoying, imho. Off to read the next bit. I hope these comments are helpful. <R> p.s. Scanning the others now, I see there's plenty of stuff you've heard already, but anyway, a second (seventh?) opinion is still a second (seventh?) opinion

That's gonna be a teensy-weensy problem...

Onwards and upwards. I’ve skimmed the comments thread on this one before reading, since it was onto Page 2!! I feel like I’m stepping into the aftermath of a small tropical storm, but here goes… Not keen on ‘realness’, ‘reality’ sounds smoother to me. It does seem like ‘realness’ is a word though – so I’ve learned something today. I like M’s forlorn wish to start the day again. I get a sense of some desperation there, strong emotion that I feel I’ve been lacking a bit from him. I like that. “shifted to one side revealing a path—and another damnation Phe…” – suggestion. “sense of calm when she was near” Why do you capitalise ‘Father’? No need for it, unless he’s the president or archbishop, or something, and his official title is the Father. I’m confused by the conversation at the top of Page 6. Not precisely sure who takes advantage of their own and thinks they’re superior. So, it’s human gifted children who are creating the Tah energy, and humans are using it? Don’t they know their children have this power? Seems odd that the humans wouldn’t put 2+2 together. “until he saw a pair of technicians…” – or ‘had seen’. You talk about the power of these twins, but I have no idea what kind of power we are talking about. I get the sense it’s not physical power, nor is it political power, I think, which their father possibly holds(?), so I suppose it must be some kind of special ability. The thing is, I can’t assess his statements about them having the power to act, because I don’t know what they are capable of. The images of children being farmed for energy are pretty gruesome. Good job with that. I can start to well some of the brother’s passion coming through, and I can believe it. The sister does seem conflicted. Her checking her make-up felt a bit odd – not sure I’m convinced by her yet, or have a handle on her character. Okay @kaisa, @neongrey, I’ll jump in a have a go at this – I would welcome your thoughts if you deem my observations worthy of comment - but I know you've covered this ground plenty already. “Ness stood there, arms crossed under her breasts…” What is the point of mentioning her breasts at all? If you don’t intend it to be a sexual reference, it has no other purpose. Just say “Ness stood there, arms crossed.” If the reader goes on to apply male gaze, that’s their problem. If you feel that the reference to breasts need to be there, I think you need to seriously consider why. I like his line inviting her to jump out of the window, I get a nice witch / vampire vibe from it. “he felt the chastisement through the bond” – Ah yes, I meant to ask about this earlier. I didn’t know what kind of bond you were referring to. Is it an actual telepathic bond? If so, I’m moved to think of the bond between an Aes sedai and her warder, and also the bond between At. and El. in @Kaisa’s ATD, not to mention a fair few other such examples in current and past SFF, I expect. My point is that I think you need to work hard to make your form of bond original. “quarters” is an odd word for a young woman to use, rather than ‘bedroom’, ‘rooms’ or ‘suite’ – something more feminine. ‘Quarters’ sounds very military, but these are aristocrats, surely. At the start of the next section, he can’t tell what his sister is doing, so the bond doesn’t have long range, or isn’t telepathic after all? “If people didn’t think I was bizarre before…” Lan’s voice is in and out, I don’t really get his tone, I don’t feel it’s consistent. Step’s not very observant. Women keep walking in on him unnoticed, even though one he has a bond with. Still want to know what kind of bond it is. Here’s one from last time “Lill appeared to scan the room…” – Why not just say she scanned the room? It’s direct, clear and shorter. “You need fur on your head…” – rofl. “Ya, ya, ya…” – seems like that is the only tick Lan has. Three in the one line is a bit wearing. Oh, the cigar comes out of nowhere and implies a whole boatload of comparisons, references and touchpoints that I was not even thinking about. He might as well have pulled out a mobile phone. Where did the cigar come from, Havana? It goes to highlight how little we know about the world. As I think about this now, I feel like the setting is barely more than the lightest of sketches, almost non-existent. “If Steph hadn’t liked him so much he would have wrung his neck” – I feel like there are several instances where the tense is off. “Lan drug out a large crate…” – There are a whole bunch of alternative facts in Robinland, none of which include ‘drug’ being a verb. I get something of Steph’s feelings for the humans, but less of his sister’s. It seems like Lill is more interested in following him than the purpose of the trip. I don’t feel I’m fully engaged with their quest. To me, they still feel a bit like entitled rich kids playing at having conscience. I would like them to encounter some harsh realities, which perhaps they will, or I at least would like to hear more about Steph’s nightmares about the Tah farms, to see them haunting him and maybe rubbing off on her. I hope this is not the limit of their morale education, because it still feels a bit shallow to me. I’m still interested though, and I think I am caught up with the story so far! <R>

I would read that - sounds wild.

Change of tack for my catch-up, seems more logical now to go through the submissions for each work, rather than jumping from one to another so, I’ll go on to Chapter 3 after this. I really like the epigraph, it’s very nicely phrased and captures a mood of resignation very well, I think. It reminds me a little of the narration in Jeff Wayne’s World of the Worlds, which is done by Richard Burton. Good job. “buried and hidden” is awkward. It’s tempting to do this for emphasis, I get that too sometimes, but it usually just sounds like repetition. Pick your favourite and drop the other imho. “that now seemed to plague his body” – This phasing is wishy-washy. It’s something that I’m trying hard to stamp out of my writing. Words like ‘seemed’ and ‘felt’ and ‘appeared’, I think, distance the reader from the emotion and make the writing weaker. Compare with “plagued his body”, it’s so much more immediate, urgent. Also, he’s been through the doors a thousand times?! That’s like every day for three years, or once a week for twenty years! So, is this a regular place of worship? I would be more explicit about that. I like the different races, but I don’t have a clear idea of them or how they fit together, how the world is arranged. Also, I’m thinking back to the prologue and seem to remember that the fleeing priest/scientist and his wife were a different race, humanoid, but didn’t they have blue skin and other ‘inhuman’ characteristics? Again, I just wonder how that city relates to this one. Is it the same one, or are we in a different country? It sounds from the description that the scar has just appears in that moment. I think it’s because you describe a change to her face first, making the next feature sound like another active change. Now there’s a Brotherhood, and I don’t understand what that is or how it fits in. “The officers’ fingers dug into his arms…” Why on earth would he mention the calloused hands? As a joke, chit-chat? Odd thought/comment. “spraying stars across his vision” – great line. “M. tasted the revulsion in his mouth…” – I think. You describe a hole for ‘refuse’ and for ‘pissing’, neither of these words seems quite right to me, somehow. He senses compassion, but he can’t register it? These sound like opposites. I’m confused. “she turned and left leaving him alone with his thoughts.” – repetition. At the end, here there are quite a few phrasing and grammar issues, I feel. There have been on the way, and I only comment on some of them but, again this could do with tightening up. Still, slightly unexpected happenings at the end. I like what is happening with his father, in that ‘the resistance’, or whatever they are, seem to have killed him or taken him out of necessity. That certainly would be quite a conflict. Overall, I’m still on board. Not getting much sense of the protagonist still. He seems to act and react in absolutely the most expected way each time something happens to him, he feels like Mr. Average. Does that mean it’s easier for me imprint my reactions on him / identify with him? Dunno, I feel like I want more from him. <R>

Yeah - I kinda think you need to flesh out all the races more, just little details, not big tracts of text, but touch points that anchor the races and geography of the world, I feel.

Lol - nice one, teach!!

Here, here - well said. Just keep going and finish the story / revision, don't get bogged down in going back to the start. In a similar vein, I'm going to skip this and read the revision to Chapter 2, but I echo @neongrey's great advice, keep moving forward.

I’m looking forward to reading a fresh part of the story and seeing how the world has moved on from the introduction. You say “We’re a human”, but I think you mean “We’re human.” “Trudging through the dirty street” sounds off. Normally, people would trudge ‘along’ a street. “happy with the slight improvement in his base.” “signalling Jess to come at him with a wry smile” – sounds like he’s signalling Jess to smile as well. I would say “glowing with teal Tah energy”, personally. Why did you capitalise ‘sword’ in “I promised you, Sword training every day” – totally unnecessary, imho. The phrase “bore at him” sounds odd. ‘Bored into him’ possibly, or ‘gnawed at him’. Also, Maykn praying seems like quite a strong reaction compared say to hoping that the boy reaches the shelter, but maybe Maykn is just an especially religious guy. The appearance of the camera really threw me after the low tech of the fighting scene, but okay, such things have been known to happen in fiction. I have reset my expectations and on I go! Also, repetition of the phrase “watchful eye” feels awkward. “Maykn pulled his eyes away examining the plethora of vendors to choose from” – grammar is off here. “meat screwed sticks” sounds weird, were you by chance looking for the word ‘skewered’? Sal is the second character who has welcomed a new-comer (two in her case) by exclaiming their name loudly. I would recommend mixing up the form of your dialogue or everyone will start to sound the same. Also, consider reading out loud and considering how real the dialogue sounds. This form, to me, sounds a false, like pretend enthusiasm. “her optimism killed him” – Really? It’s a very extreme reaction, I’m picturing him ROFL-ing about now. A bit like the prayer, if you have such strong character reactions to minor things like this, it will make the big reactions (when you need them) feel underwhelming. “annoyed by her cheery attitude”. Personally, I wasn’t keen on the heartbeat thing. Didn’t really work for me. The beats seemed quite far apart, I’d be dialling 9-1-1 if that was my pulse! Some of the punctuation needs some work, I think, not to mention the missing words, which are just typos. Reading out loud is good for that too. Commas for pauses for breath or effect or meaning. “I'd hate to lose my training partner to the Inquisitors” – it’s hard to read this without thinking of Mistborn. I know it’s the right word, I just wonder if there was any way to distance the comparison in some way. There are synonyms for ‘inquisitor’ but certainly none sounds as intimidating. I see later that you have a Paladin ‘Detractor’. That’s a distinct designation that I haven’t heard before, so it works better than Inquisitor for me, straight away “You fight dirty with a staff.” – lol, awesome, and a nice character note. “They both stepped into the training circle…” – superfluous, as is “Once they were both finished stretching…” “his quarterstaff held tightly” – I know nothing about fighting with a quarterstaff, but I wonder if this is good technique. I tight grip would seem to be inflexible. “maybe we can effect change together” – This statement is out of step with the rest of the tone, I think, too fancy. I can’t get a proper hold on character tone, because sometimes there are course contractions like ‘gonna’ and ‘ya’, etc. I’m not feeling consistency of character voice. “and saw the Vorin Detractor” “A Federation Automaton rolled through the street” – I would say’ along the street’, however my actual point here is that I don’t understand the political setup yet, and I would like to. I would like to know how far reaching the Federation is. They sound like the big bad and could be mentioned up front. “return to their residence” The interlude / flashback is a bit odd. It’s not phrased like a memory, but something cut and pasted from another part of the story. “remnants remained” is awkward phrasing. I like the tension of the curfew, I think that comes over well, and then it’s ramped up when M returns home and his father isn’t there. Nice climax at the end of the chapter and setting me up to continue reading from here. I feel like I’m a bit confused between Vorin and Vahn. One is a title and the other is the race/species? I like the threat I get from the Vorin. It’s a fairly standard evil creature, but I believe the threat that comes from it – suitably creepy. ‘Imagine your potential with the sword’ is repeated, and sounds a little clunky from that repetition. “cannot’ – one word. You say ‘Joint Force Officers’, but earlier it said ‘Joint Federation Officers’, then we get two Ortan Officers – very confusing. Also, watch your capitalisation, I feel like it’s all over the place. There’s no need at all to capitalise officers if you’re referring to them in general, like “these officers”. They’re just two officers. The more capitals you use, the less effect they have. In summary, I rather enjoyed that chapter, I felt that there were some god character notes and I felt the oppression of the people, also the threat from the oppressors. Nice job. Not sure what draft you are on, but there is plenty of language to clean up, and I think that the phrasing could be simpler throughout – more direct, but losing excess words. I don’t get a strong sense of character from either of the ‘goodies’ and the ’baddies’ seem pretty off-the-shelf, but effective nonetheless. They might get a bit tiresome as we go on. Dialling up the character of the protag would be my main request. I’m looking forward to reading more. <R>

Awesome! Three-for-three votes for, I'm keeping it now So glad this worked for you too. I toyed with going Hexadecimal, as my dad used to programme in machine code (yes, I'm that old), but I felt it would take too long for the reader to notice it wasn't a decimal sequence. It was just a few vignettes over three weeks here and there, not continuous narrative. It established the two main characters for some people, but you didn't miss a lot. Yeah, everyone has mentioned this so far. I need to tackle the clarity of the first chapter, which I may move further in for the reasons @kaisa identified. Other than me trying to build some mystery and tension, there's no particular reason for Mills to be tight-mouthed about what's going on, so I will try and improve clarity without dumping info. Again, a consistent comment. I need to dwell on this. I might move Chp. 01 in a few chapters, so reader gets to Chp 2 quicker, which is a little more active, if not action-packed. I'll see how things develop, but pacing is on my watch list now. Lol - undoubtedly! Quirk's line is a bit of a throw-away. I'm not even sure that he's any more cynical than that average man in the street, so maybe he 'protests too much'. Thank you so much for reading, @aeromancer, great comments, really helpful and varied. I freakin' love this forum!!

This, this is gold. Thank you @kaisa, makes total sense. If it wasn't for the intro chapter, I've got three Quirk scenes followed by four Moth scenes, which would seem to fit the bill. Okay, I'll consider this. I could spell things out more rather than trying to reveal, but obvs don't want to be dumping info. I'll think on this, great advice. Yup, I'll tackle that in Edit 2. I'm ecstatic that you and @Mandamon like this, I suspect agents will be like "Pretentious tw*t..." ...is something I need eyes on for consistency, because I feel it falls away as the story progresses (it does), so I perhaps need to drop reminders in now and then. VINDICATION!!!!! (any Brooklyn 99 fans in the house?) Yeah, okay. I think the lack of feedback from the businessman is probably the issue. I'll tidy this up. I don't see this one as them sharing a look, just that passengers-on-a-plane/train head shake thing. Mutual commiseration that commuting in 2099 is still rust. (punches the air) They really don't, maybe by 2099... Totally agree. I feel that's been lurking at the back of my mind, but I've been unwilling to address it. I have now changed the last line to this... I feel like it signposts the continuation of the encounter and gives the reader's imagination somewhere to go, instead just stopping. 'La donna sat back, replacing the dark glasses, but her half-smile remained. “You’d better. We need to talk about those shoes.' Really helpful comments, Kaisa, thank you so much. I can feel it getting better with each one I address. Much appreciated!

Oh man, these comments are exactly what I was hoping for, reassuring that I'm not going crazy, and that there are laughs and cool stuff, but zeroing in on the flaws like a laser scalpel. Thank you. (Err, this is awkward, I seem to be critiquing the critique... ) Fair enough, I certainly want clearer. Consider it done. Hmm, yes, I can see that. This is a hangover from this growing out of a writing prompt, I think. Something bad does happen, but not until the next chapter. I can work with this. Hah, of course, it's so obvious when someone tells you these things - thanks, I believe I will! Heh, you're laughing now, but this bad boy has 32 chapters... Thanks for the LBLs too - all fixed. I'll consider how I might hurt Quirk in Chapter 2, but I think you might need to wait until Chapter 5, as we are going into Moth-land next. Much appreciated.

Hey Matthew, I didn't mean to sound authoritarian, it's not mine to call one way or another. As far as I'm concerned, you're in the group now regardless, and very welcome. I was just speaking from experience over the last three years or so. If anyone is the adjudicator it is @Silk, who may comment in due course.

Rather than reading the story again, since I want to read it when it's done later in the year when you publish it, I thought I would read the epigraphs so at least I'm contributing something this time around! So..., Chapter 1 - From the start, I was calling the voids “Drains,” because of their function. It frustrates me others insist on ignoring or even suppressing my name. It is to be much more descriptive than “void.” I felt "suppressing my name" meant Origon's name, and it wasn't until I finished the sentence that I realised he meant suppressing his name for the phenomenon. Chapter 2 - Many new maji first use their abilities in a blaze of power, then are unable to use them again for days or weeks. Scholars believe there is an overload of music from the one's first contact with the Grand Symphony and the aspiring majus is rendered ‘deaf’ for a time. I suggest this minor tweak would clarify that it is an individual's first contact, not the race's first contact, which was in my head as I read it first time.

Dear all, I am pleased to submit for your comments, the first two chapters of TMM. This is second draft, anything and everything are in the cross-hairs, nothing in particular I can think of to focus on, just everything! Some of you may recognise bits of this, maybe even most of this submission, which I sent out between July and September last year. If you are willing to bear with it, the new material will kick in soon, although I hope this reads more cohesively that the snippets and portraits that you saw before. If you haven't met these characters previously, I hope you enjoy them, or at least can put up with them long enough to jot down some observations. Much appreciated, Robinski

Hi @M.Puddles, Thanks for sharing, but remember there is a 5,000 word limit on submissions, as per the forum guidelines on the pinned thread. You will see some longer ones occasionally, like maybe +10% or so and, every so often by prior discussion, someone might submit a bigger chunk if it was the end of a story, or a short story that would be significantly 'damaged' by splitting into two. Personally, I will read this (when I get to it - I'm still catching up from November!!), but you might get some who won't because of the length, or might stop at 5,000 words. I just mention this for purposes of going forward, to make sure we don't set a precedent that undermines the effectiveness of the forum. Don't sweat it this week, we're cool (imho). Best, Robinski

More comments, I hope they are useful. I think the opening scene reads better than last time, I feel like the language is tighter and the character comes over better, more sympathetic. I also like that she has a clear goal in life. The aside about her sister is interesting, I find myself wondering what career path she took. No need for a scene break, your narrative basically continues on. I can’t see a break, just a change of pace. “excepting the captain” – the captain would never be the first off a ship, he has a responsibility to passengers, crew, owners – everybody. All that nonsense in Star Trek about the captain going on landing parties? Poppycock, and poor strategy. “while the captain was still handing over his passenger and cargo documents to a dock master” – he’s got to have a first officer or purser or some such to deal with this, surely. One or two more layout issues and typos, but I thought this read much smoother and was more satisfying in itself than the earlier version that I read. I think this is a good step up. I’m getting a sense of character for Laurea and I think Janus is easier to take, brashness turned down to a more reasonable level. I like what you’ve done with the edit, good job. I’m looking forward to reading more. <R> p.s. – Flirting: better than before. Have you read it out loud? That’s a useful exercise. I don’t think it would hurt to continue to refine it, but not at the expense of finishing your story in draft. I will add that, while I was okay with the flirting, it is laid on pretty thick, and would get tiresome over time, I think, and it does nothing to endear Janus to the reader. From my pov, he's less annoying than first time, but not likeable. I was okay with the following line, Janus is just flying a kite, if he's wrong he loses nothing. I do agree with @kaisa that the problems with the flirting are more around Laurea's uneven reactions.

The catch up continues, but I’ll be honest, I can’t exactly remember where I was before. Did you skip submitting some chapters? I’m not even reading the forum posts before doing this so how the heck would I know? Anyway, I’ll just leap back up with both feet. I hope there is some useful stuff here amid the rambling. Okay, typos all over the place, but I’m trying not to get drawn into LBLs as I catch up my backlog, so the grammar will have to fend for itself. I’m sure the others won’t let you off the hook. “I'll get them to bed with Sofia” – Lol, okay, I got about two paragraphs, but I’ll just mention this one thing, but it goes beyond typos. The phrasing is often off, I feel. Like here, where it sounds like all the children are going to be tucked up in bed with Sophia. I presume what you mean is that Sophia is going to help get them tucked up. I think a great way to pick this stuff up is to read it out loud, all of it, a chapter at a time or whatever. “That's exactly what they're for” – I think that’s lullabies rather than nursery rhymes. “Ellis held back one of the girls who was late slow to run” – I get snagged on the word choice sometimes, like here, for example. I enjoyed the chapter. Much more of a sequel than a scene, but good if it comes after the action-packed battle I remember from before (still not sure where the other chapter numbers went). Anyway, I enjoy the lyrical style, there’s definitely a particular voice there, I feel, although as noted, I think the language needs tidying up and tightening up. Thanks for sharing! <R> p.s. - I see comments above about defining the magic system - I'm going to disagree. Not every source or application magic needs to be defined, imho, I think that can lessen the effect - certainly the mystique - and would change the gentle / airy tone of the story. Sometimes magic is just magic, mysterious and unknown, but it just works. I though it was good to see magic exacting a price in terms of Sofia's fatigue. That's the real problem, I think, when there appear to be no limits and no cost. So, you should have rules. I don't think you need to put them in, but do apply them. LotR is frequently the cited example of magic applied to suit the author's need, but with no rhyme or reason to it. At that level, I think you can start to equate it with divine intervention and draw in religious debate. Why did God feed the 500 but not save famine victims in Africa? Why did Gandalf intervene on some occasions but not others? Sanderson's Law is that you can't use magic to solve a problem if you haven't demonstrated how it works (I'm paraphrasing). I go along with that, but it doesn't mean you can't use magic at all, or that you need a pseudo-scientific explanation of the energy budget for casting, etc.

Ahem, and this is why not reading the comments on the forum before critiquing can be..., awkward. Sorry to hear about that scare, @Tsidqiyah. As a father of a 22-yr-old who was taken to ECU, but only for a day or two thankfully, I can feel for your situation. That's a horrible feeling. Glad to hear it is working out and hope all is well now. Maybe sometime you will find your way back to RE, and we'll be very pleased to welcome you again. Best wishes, R