Robinski

Hi there, apologies for the very late comments as I catch up with my two-month backlog. I hope there are comments here that are useful to you. A few typos here and there, but I’ll skate over those to save time, not doing Line-by-lines at the moment. Initial, I am engaged by the immediacy of Alex’s situation but, as he goes into some pretty detailed stuff about magic, I lose the tension of the situation. I feel like you had my attention, but lost it when you went into detail on the first page. Also, while the description of the magic is interesting, I feel it’s rather amorphous, blurred, like I’m reading the words, but they don’t give me a clear sense of what is going on. I’m finding punctuation difficult to deal with. There are a lot or run-on phrases. Do not fear the comma, the comma is you friend “while the woman’s general body language stiffened with distrust” – I’m increasingly feeling there is a fair bit of over-description. The language is very dense, unnecessarily so in places, I think. Here for example, you describe the woman stiffening with distrust which is a clear image. You don’t need to duplicate by telling the reader this is body language, that is absolutely implicit in your description of her reaction. Nice reveal about Alex’s father, contraindicated by his preceding harsh words. Enjoyed that. By the point at which Marda exits scoffing, about 6 pages in, I still don’t have a clear image of the set up here. I can infer subjugation by the guards, and religious intolerance but, at the start of a novel, I want a clearer understanding of the situation. That doesn’t mean info-dump though. There seems to be a disproportionate number of names beginning with ‘A’. That’s going to be confusing for many readers. It’s all very fell being true to some societal trend, if that’s what it is, but such things still lead to confusion, whether there’s a valid reason or not. I didn’t get a sense that Alex was a boy. How old are we talking? I don’t remember any markers for that. His reactions made me think 20 to 30 age range. I can’t believe that his hair is perfect if he’s had bandages wrapped around his head for days, just not plausible. I find I have a sense of claustrophobia, probably because of the paucity of description of the surroundings. That’s good, I should feel that way, I think that is highly effective. Perhaps the lack of clarity about the background is also effective in the same way, I don’t like the feeling of disorientation, because I feel like the character should be more aware but maybe, as a ‘trick’ to engender appropriate reaction, this approach is okay. In summary, I feel like this could do with quite a bit of tightening up (cutting down) and tidying up, language-wise, and also in terms of content. I like the general arc of the chapter, there is a certain tension implicit the situation of slavery without needing to add ‘action’ moments. Also, I’m interested to see where things are going, maybe not enthralled, but interested enough to keep reading. As an engineer, I enjoy the complexity of the load system, and the need to earn a certain amount to cover certain ‘commitments’. One of my favourite authors is Jack Vance, and he wrote a great story called Wyst: Alastor 1716, in which the main character had to earn a certain amount of money to (if I remember) get off planet, and Vance takes us through how he earns a certain amount from this and that, and it’s pretty detailed, but you can really feel the guy striving. Anyway, digression, but this starts to remind me a little of that, which is great in my book. So, mixed feelings, but ready for another chapter. <R>

I would just love to submit the first couple o' chapters of my new novel and Nanowrimo project on Monday, if it please the court.

Catching up, Take 3. Apologies for long delay. I blame NaNoWriMo, my daughter getting engaged, Christmas and 2017, yes, all of it. Anyway, I hope there are some comments here that are useful. Usual catalogue of typos and grammar stuff in a draft, but I’m going to glide over those and concentrate on more constructive stuff. It’s a very negative vibe at the start of the story, understandably, but some might stop reading early on if they don’t see the promise of some kind of turn-around. I like some aspects of Charlotte’s perspective, whereas others seem rather pat and familiar, the doctor’s manner, her own anger. It’s not that these observations and touches aren’t good, just that many of these story notes/vibes are expected. Not saying it’s wrong, I guess I’m trying to say there is a real absence of ‘wow’ in the early parts. “Then a thought came instantly into her head-” – Okay, I’ll stop for this. Using the word ‘instantly’ makes the thought less instant, I have to read the word before I get to the thought, so it slows me down. Drop ‘instantly’ and the thought is the next thing that happens, which is about as instant as you can get. The same applies to ‘suddenly’, ‘immediately’ and ‘quickly’. There are times for these, but it’s much better to show, not tell, imho. I skipped a couple of paragraphs describing the drawer. For me personally, it was more detail than I wanted in a short. I don’t understand why she’s looking at all the pills. I’m guessing that she thinks one of them was a rogue and was something else that caused her reaction, but it’s not really clear. “A thought occurred to her so suddenly and with such clarity it was as if someone had spoken it to her.” – By comparison with my comment above, I have no issue with this line, because there isn’t the same immediacy in this passage, I think. “She left everything albeit apart from her keys which she snagged” “Charlotte could see the bridge slowly receding moving away” – The bridge isn’t moving, I presume. And…. She’s dead, but not, sort of. I find myself, on the last page, with a feeling that the ending is a bit confusing. What did the pills have to do with anything? And the choice itself doesn’t feel difficult at all. If she chooses to live (I presume that’s the choice) she saves 5 people, so it’s easy. I didn’t feel that she would make any other choice, because she seemed to have come to an acceptance of her condition. I’m not entirely sure I know what I’m left with. I don’t particularly feel like I’ve been entertained, and I’m not really satisfied after finishing. I never felt that I identified with the character, or even liked her. I guess I felt sorry for her, but clearly that’s not the same thing. I didn’t dislike her, I just felt ambivalent. (p.s. - Hah, this is weird, I see you just resubmitted this. I look forward to reading the new version when I eventually catch up with it )

Hey Eagle, Super-late catch up, Take 2. Sorry about the delay, but I hope that there are comments here that are useful. “doorway dividing the corridor into two pieces” – to me, pieces refers to a small things, an object, possibly something that can be held in one’s hand, as opposed to say parts or sections; “whose creator had chosen to depict it in an unlikely purple”; I’m reasonably engaged by the first section, there’s suspense and mystery, and I want to know what’s going on; I think ‘cramped’ is an involuntary action, unlike, say, clutched; Why does she speak backwards? She sounds kind of like Yoda; “Let not distract you the thoughts of the wrong he did” – Yeah, this shtick is bugging me. It seems like an affectation of the writer rather than the character, but I think the real problem is the similarity to Yoda’s mode of speech. If you need your priest to speak funny, I would suggest digging deeper to find a mode that is further away from Yoda, something more original. “She continued more briskly, “Until the third new” – this is the start of her sentence, therefore caps. I feel that this is much tighter than the first version that I read, which I seem to remember struggling with. <consults records> I see that was back in June 2016. Nice job here of knocking the language into shape. There was very little grammatically that I got snagged on, since the language of the priest is of course a style choice. I also enjoyed the description of her drawing. I got a sense of the fantastical from it, which was great. I felt that you were showing not telling about the energy, the grace and ‘otherness’ of the activity. I thought that worked well. Finally, I was happier with the sense and feeling of the main character. I got his nervousness, his lingering doubt as to whether he should go through with it. His smile at the end was a nice touch and, actually, a good spur for the reader to keep reading, I thought. Not a cliff-hanger, or a mystery, but a hint that he has another dimension than the rather nervous, possibly petty, individual. All-in-all, good job, good update and I look forward to reading more. <R>

Go you, that's awesome!

I have been, and always shall be, a Trekkie - not a Trekker, but a Trekkie.

Who has any kind of character arc / development in the original trilogy? For me, no one, not a one. Luke becomes competent, but his character doesn't change. Han? Nah, not really. He was never properly morally ambivalent in the first place. Leia? Nope. Vader..., he's the only one that comes close, but still, meh.

I think the Writing Excuses crew are by far at their weakest when they talk about movies. Movies and written fiction operate in completely different environments. For one thing, blockbusters, which are the only films they talk about, frequently are written or shaped by 'committees' or pass through a number of hands at least. I roll my eyes whenever they start talking about Avengers or something like that, because they are instantly narrowing the subject matter enormously. I think the comparison between any blockbuster and Game of Thrones is ample demonstration of why populist movies are a completely useless format for any kind of meaningful character development.

It's a deal. When I get caught up to the resubmit, I'll sharpen my pencil

What the heck? How the name of holy Hannah did I overlook these comments? I am such a dunderhead sometimes! My apologies, both. @Vreeah, thank you for tackling something blind like that - brute force is entirely acceptable. I do like your stream-of-consciousness response here. Very interesting. I'm actually just in the process of harvesting edit notes from these threads, since I"VE FINISHED MY FIRST DRAFT, WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOO! <Cough> Sorry, slight overreaction there. Thanks again! Apologies for the slight 4-month delay in responding. @kaisa, I am indebted to you (again), this time for your positive and encouraging words on Moth. Yes, I have a daughter, she's 22, but capable at any given moment of acting like a 14-year-old doing an impression of an 8-year-old. Did I mention that I finished my first draft? WOOOO HOOOO! I am so excited, I'm diving straight into an edit, because I don't want to put a first draft up here, I want to tidy up all the loose stuff so hopefully you guys can concentrate on the meat.

Imho, as little as possible. I'm pretty sure that most readers don't care whether something would actually work. In fact, if you limit your ideas to what can be realised, even only in theory, then you are limiting your imagination. Artistic license is a thing that should be given free rein as often as possible. Perhaps a better answer to the question is, as little attention as possible while remaining convincing on the topic in question. The extreme of what you describe is, I think, a technical paper or text book, and no one wants to read that for fun and relaxation, surely.

That's interesting, because I think that kind of fits with my reaction, that there weren't an avalanche of different things that clearly led to fridging. Fair enough. I'm happy with that. I shall search out the newest version, if it was submitted.

This is interesting (I can't say enough, sorry to be only chipping in now). I certainly always listen to Kaisa on these gender issues as my lightning rod, but this time I don't see it the same way, which I find, unusual, because I can't recall disagreeing now that I'm so much more aware of 'fridging' etc. For me, Lyzell is much more a secondary character now, and I did not see how her actions developed him. I didn't really care about him much at all. She was in charge and making the decisions. He was gone, defeated, before she was. For that reason, and again I recognise that I am less experienced in these matters than others here, but I struggle to see how the end is fridging. I've got no sympathy for Lyzell as a result of what happened to Alandria, because he's already 'gone'. Now, if Chapter 1 starts with Lyzell still alive and all guilt-wracked because of what he did to her, then I can see the problem but, as it is, we don't know that she is dead. Is the way around the fridging, @kaisa, to make it clear that they are both dead? There must be a way for the drumlin to kill them both so that her death is not fridging, surely. Poor way - sorry if I'm treading old ground, but I found it completely unclear. It's like a whole block of text is missing that explains how we got from one line to the next. I must say I thought there were quite a few punctuation issue. I've said before that I get royalties on comma's so maybe I overuse them, but I did feel their lack in this. I have always taken from the texts I read, and maybe from back in school that, is nesting description and listing characteristics (or anything else), items should be separated by commas, which also should be used whenever there is a pause. For example, 'the big, tall, lazy man sat down again and slept'. Perhaps other opinions are available. Like Kaisa, I would be happy to do LBLs, I love that stuff. I think however that, because I have so much to catch up with, I will not go back into this piece, but maybe look to do LBLs on one of the next bits, if that would be helpful.

In the interests of freeing up time for writing, I'm going to try a more summarised commenting style on some submissions. Apologies if this seems briefer than usual, but hopefully there is still something useful in here! Mainly, I am trying to rein back LBL grammar comments. I’ll do my best. Also, please forgive how late I am coming to this, I hope the comments are still useful. No doubt I’ll be repeating things others have said, but it’s another perspective, so I make no apology for that Straight away, I am more engaged with character and perspective than the first time I read this. Being in Alandria’s POV makes a big difference, I think. Halfway down page one, you repeat ‘hand’ in the same sentence, which I found jarring, In fact, there are quite a few words repeated, often close together. Personally, I try to avoid this at all costs, searching for a different word to use, certainly if it was in the same sentence. ‘She wiped her hand on the window cill and looked at her hand...’ – I don’t know, I think are four main aspects to it, (a) it smacks a little of laziness on the writer’s part; (b) it sounds weird in the ear to hear the same word again; (c) the character is using their hand, it’s the active part, so it’s obvious they will look at the hand; (d) it’s an opportunity for the writer to be more descriptive without adding words, here for example, you could say ‘Wiped her calloused fingers on the cill and looked at the tips’. Maybe her fingers aren’t calloused, but I’m just trying to illustrate my point, of course. I would have thought that ‘sadness and anger’ had been pervading her thoughts for some time, since she woke that day, and in all the days before. This sounds like they are coming to her for the first time, which isn’t likely, I think. Lyzell is very specific about the 500 years. I expect this to be explained, why it’s not 400 or 600, or ‘until the reawakening’ or whatever. “It would be nice if he at least acted as if he were in a hurry” – This gives a great ‘shot’ of personality, of both of them, very quickly and comfortably for the reader, imho. WHOA! What just happened!!! Is this a flashback I’m in now, when they wake up in their beds? I didn’t understand what happened. Is it a jump forward? But no, I can’t be when she was agitating for them to leave immediately. I appreciate the outline of Osha, or the little they know about it. I would not complain if it came a bit sooner. I feel like there is an inconsistency in the timeline, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. You say that Lyzell has been looking at the stones for weeks, but he’s only just started writing the letter? The ash he been falling for weeks, but the enemy has only just attacked? Maybe I’ve picked something up wrongly, but something seems odd with the chain of events, even before the jarring of my perspective with the time leap. You use the word ‘coat’ four times in three lines. “This isn’t right. This fog - it’s untouched by the wind, it feels wrong”– I feel that this line says the same thing three times. Actually, I believe the character might say this, but on the page it looks rather awkward. “Lyzell scanned the alley to either side rubbing his short red beard and clearly considering” – This bit at the end, I think, is unnecessary. It’s telling the reader how to interpret the sentence instead of letting them do it themselves, which is more satisfying. There are times for telling, of course, but I think it’s better to leave out all telling, and let Alpha/beta readers tell you if something’s not clear. That way readers will be more satisfied if they feel like they are ‘reading’ and interpreting for themselves. The description of the Drouvlan remains very effective, I think. Sometimes villains/enemies are a bit tame, lame, stereotyped in their appearance or, hardly described at all, so I like having a good, clear image of this nasty thing. “Drouvlan were a new creation, only created in the last few years” – another example of my earlier point about word repetition, it’s a good opportunity to give us something more than the same word again, you could say ‘a new nightmare’; ‘a new enemy’; ‘a new threat’ – I think anything is better than using the same word again. You repeat ‘corner’ in the same sentence shortly after. ‘She stepped up to the corner and looked around the corner’ – sorry I’m harping on about this, but I think it is because it’s one of the few if not the only thing in the style of the piece that is really hurting the flow, otherwise I think the language is very smooth and pleasing the read (usual minor typos, etc.), but this is like a horse’s head in the soup every page or two. “How’d it get behind us so quickly!” – This is horribly ‘tell-y’, there must be a better way to show this than just saying, ‘Oh no, the Drouvlan has managed to get behind us without us noticing’ – which is how this sounds to me. I like the competence she shows in knowing that she will not make it to the temple, after considering the tactical elements of the situation, including the value of Lyzell as a fighter. It’s the kind of cold calculation I would want from a competent fighter, putting emotion aside. Towards the end (last couple of pages) there are lots of typos and missing punctuation. The repetition of ‘glow’ sticks out for me. I like the ending, it’s dramatic and full of failure, which I think can be a powerful motivator to keep reading, because I don’t want it to end like that. I think the way you set up the letter as the hope of the city, then it seems that it must have been destroyed at the end, but we don’t see that, also is effective. It sets up a question in the reader’s mind. What happened to it? Did the drouvlan or Lyzell destroy it? Surely it must have, but maybe, just maybe it was preserved. In enjoyed this version much, much more than the previous one I read. I think the characters are much better, and the dynamic between them more interesting. There were some style issues that I find troublesome, the repetition of words, and some of the phrasing was a little clichéd, I thought. I didn’t pick many out in the notes above, but I remember ‘chilled to the core’. It seems like when something is chilled now in many works it’s always ‘to the core’. I think as writers we are obliged to try harder to surprise the reader, not give them the phrases they expect to hear, even if we like the sound of them. So, anyway, sorry for the delay, and great to see such a big improvement (I think) in the piece. I’m looking forward to reading more. R

http://www.facebook.com/readingexcuses I certainly can, @Mandamon I'll wait till you give the nod, @kaisa

Much, much better. It's maybe lost some of the variation in colour, but I still like it. I still would pick it up in bookshop and read the blurb, possibly with the slightly uneasy feeling that I was handling space-porn - but then I have no experience of the romance genre, in which I know covers are much racier than what I'm accustomed to, which is, you know, big phallic swords and spaceships, of which there are still, precisely, NONE on your cover! Seriously though, good job, nice to have so much input. I'm looking forward to seeing the next cover. And when is AFD unleashed again? (Free plug set-up opportunity). Also, can I do an announcement on the Reading Excuses Facebook page? Only when and if you are agreeable, of course. And, @Mandamon, any reason for me not to do a blurb of your two releases?

Hi @CarrieBishop, what a fantastic idea! My daughter is 22, and well beyond such things. Also, she was state schooled (in the UK), and the thought of home-schooling gives me sweaty palms!! I admire your commitment, and hope you are successful in putting a functioning group together. I've just finished going through Season 10 myself, and it's quite the commitment in itself - best of luck. Small suggestion. There is a very active writing group on 17th Shard, one click over at Reading Excuses. Now, I have no idea how many parents are on there. I get the sense not very many, but you might want to try your post there too, as there might be friends of friends who could point you in the direction of someone who would be interested. It's always kind of puzzled me why there isn't more 'crosstown' traffic between the Reading Excuses and Writing Excuses threads, but that's the reality. Anyway, all the best in your endeavour.

Hmm, this seems to be a whole new level of undermining the value of an Arts degree.

ROFL - good one

This is something you will encounter again and again in the WE casts, making promises and keeping them, how to keep them, when to keep them, promises for minor characters, promises for a series of books that go beyond the first novel, to keep them all in the last four pages (the Sanderson avalanche - LOL), but always, always, always it's about making them and keeping them, somehow, somewhere.

That is very swish, I have not been there since before it changed. Nice.

But this is the danger, I suppose, in writing a first novel, but not being an established author that can have the confidence to know that they will be picked up for the rest of the series. Do you think you would have been any more likely to pick up another of Ann Leckie's books if they were a different stand-alone, different chrs, different setting, etc?

Ah-ha! I knew it - I was right..., again!!

It's worth persevering, but you'll need to do so until, I think Season 4 or 5?, before Mary came on board full time. I know that's going to grate, but the blokes were just learning the ropes way back in those early couple of seasons. I can't remember when they started having guests, many of whom were/are female. I'm just finished Season 10, and have jumped to Season 12 so that I'm current, while also filling in Season 11 in my spare time. At Season 12, they have introduced more guests presenters for the entirely season, one of whom is Mary Ann Mohanraj. There's great stuff and genuine insight in those WE seasons, I think it's worth sticking at it, personally.