Robinski

NSP is listed, but there's no link.

No, I think it was clear enough. I would have read this right through rather than 2 or 3 days apart, so any lingering doubt would likely not have occurred. I'll go back, but 'pleased' was the wrong word to use. Satisfied? Content that their plan was on track? 'Pleased' definitely was the wrong word to use. My bad. Again, fair enough. I guess Esh is sufficiently bound to Adri that he can't avoid him or their association. Never did I get a sense that Esh was content with the attentions. That was perfectly clear.

Comments. Clearly, I skipped the first version, so hopefully this perspective is slightly different from the other who read the original. Chapter 8 I enjoy the conflict in this chapter. I like to see Kath getting a sound tongue-lashing, because she deserves it for her gross presumption! Also, it’s a nicely delivered plot driver, to throw Sav a curveball. They’re at their best as a character, I think, when they are angry. Another satisfying aspect is that the plot progresses, even if a small amount, and we see just a bit more of the picture, which is good. I did find it strange that Sav was willing to reveal so much of the plan to Kath, especially when they go on to see she has nothing to do with it. That did not seem sensible, given that Kath has only just arrived. It smacks of poor judgement, which is why I didn’t think it was the sort of thing Sav would do, hence it starts to feel a bit maid-and-butler when I analyse it. <R> [Chp.9 comments to follow in edit.]

Really? I didn't get that. I mean I got that Esh was unhappy with Adri's attentions, but I didn't feel that Esh recoiled mentally, and there were no physical signs. I thought that they had had a physical relationship, possibly still did, but were working together, rather than Esh being subjugated by Adri. Esh's motivations were not all that clear to me. Did he feel obligated to Adri? Unsure.

Comments. “The senator's looking out his” – I stumbled over this as I doggedly tried to make it possessive. I felt the contraction was out of place. Short and ‘sweet’. I enjoyed the spikey dialogue between these two, nicely done. I struggled a bit with the oblique references, I never felt I had a good grasp pf what they were talking about. I wonder to what extent there is a danger that the characters are being oblique because the author wants them to and that, in fact, they would be more likely to be a bit more direct and clear with each other what they were talking about. So, I find it helpful to try and set down what I took away from that. Adri and Esh have a close relationship, clearly physical. They are in some way in league with the priestess and are setting up Rien in some way. What clause are they so pleased about? I couldn’t work that one out, but I think the one that permitted Ilu and Rien to ‘see other people’? I liked that this chapter revealed something more of what is going on, I would just have liked a bit more clarity. <R>

The what now?! Also, please sir/madam, may I have a place on Monday 13th,?

Cool, I like the synopsis(?). I thought it was a bit odd that there wasn't a publisher link on the Amazon page, but maybe they don't do that.

Hey Hobbit, thanks so much for reading. Good point. I'll consider how to insert a bit more. I think you're right, it would help. Fair comment, and I think this is somewhat wrapped up in the first point above. I shall ponder this in Edit 2. Ah-ha, I'm glad you asked that... Awesome! And glad you liked the last line. It didn't seem to land with all that many people )worth commenting, anyway).

Okay, have lost track of chapter numbers now. I’m trying to get into Ell’s situation here and his motivation, but I just can’t find anything important, urgent and emotional in his POV to get attached to, to care about. I don’t really know why he does anything. “now he had three doctors surrounding his bed and prodding his skull to keep him alive” – this sounds terrible, but I just don’t feel it. “full crisis response” – as I said, not feeling the crisis, not feeling the stakes. “I could be staying because I'm worried about Sofia” – as I said in the last submission, I still don’t understand what they’re doing here. I feel I need a much earlier and clearer explanation for what the twins are doing, and what ‘s at stake. “It looks cautious enough” – grammar. “The musket enlarged” – cool. I do like Loth’s magic, which is another reason I’m more engaged with his POV. Increasingly, he begins to look like the, or a, villain. “Silence arrived for a good while” – I’ll mention it here, but it’s pretty much throughout, I find some of the word choice strange, to the point that the grammar kind of falls down. I won’t do LBLs for reasons of time and it’s an early draft(?). I’m slightly thrown by the blocking when sentries seem to be on Loth straight away from emerging, and yet he was further back from the walls – just a blocking issue. I enjoyed the action in this chapter. I enjoyed Sill’s magical transformation and how Loth perceived it, giving rise to memories of his former activities. That was effective for me. Still much more interested in Loth’s POV. I see from other comments as I move through that this seems to be a common comment! <R>

I’m going to go ahead and call this Chapter 5, just to try and keep myself straight. I guess it still is, actually. Straight away, I remain engaged by Loth’s situation, his spikey relationship and dialogue with Sill and the tension / conflict of his situation. This section / POV just feels more grounded somehow, more real and less like a fairytale thn the other, which feels increasingly unreal the more I read of Loth’s POV. Wooden armour, awesome! I like Sill blocking the trigger with one of her glass things, showing she is resourceful enough to see other, nonstandard applications for what she has at hand. I like this display of competence. “before a giant eyeball appeared out of nowhere” – it’s good to have a clear connection between the two threads. “someone with enough luck or skill will steal them with enough luck or skill” – suggested for clarity and flow. I find the dates and the list of information hard to read, well it doesn’t flow, but it’s important information. The legal system here is weird. His wife’s actions lead to the deaths of a bunch of innocents, but she is merely confined to her house? “The world isn't worse bad enough” The last sentence is unclear. I enjoyed being in Loth’s POV again. I did find some of the discussion rambling and started skipping in a couple places. I’m also pleased that we are seeing a clear link with the other POV and it looks like things are coming together quickly. I still feel more for Loth than anyone else, because he is active, has known stakes. This said, as a murderer, he already seems to be marked for death before the end of the story, even if as a tragic anti-hero, sacrificing himself for the greater good at some key moment. I’m still interested and looking forward to where things go next. <R>

Okay, so this is the new Chapter 2. I like encountering something dark as a counterpoint to the almost completely bubbly and colourful opening. Nothing wrong with that, but a whole novel of little kids dreams and bright colours, might get a bit much for me after a while. The action is so chaotic and unpredictable that I find it a bit disorienting to read, to process, like I can’t keep pace with the visualisation so I start to skim a bit. I still get vivid images, but perhaps not precise ones. Maybe that still serves the text. I like Loth humility in the end and the way he slips off in the face of the townsfolks humility, The length / pacing of the encounter felt right to me also. “some of its head-sized eye sockets were eerily empty” – good image. “A shorter woman stepped out” – shorter than what. I found the encounter with Sil effective and entertaining, I enjoyed the display of alchemy. It was satisfying to see something different from the dream magic. I think because the alchemy somehow was finite, it had boundaries that were clear and understandable. Oh, man, am I arguing for prescribing your dream magic? No, I don’t think so. I think the contrast between the two works well. Perhaps more importantly is that Chapter 2 (3) provides us with a very clear and unequivocal plot signpost, which is absent from Chapter 1. I also think Loth is a more interesting character; he displays some personality, he has ‘proper’ conflict in the sense that there is threat, which I don’t really feel in Chapter 1. For these reasons, I would consider making this the opening of the story. Chapter 4 I don’t understand why Sof not falling ill is an issue. Why didn’t she fall ill? Magic. It seems irrelevant. And she didn’t know the stuff was toxic, where’s the harm? Thus, the discussion kind of leaves me cold. Yeah, this chapter just leaves me kind of confused, and confirms that I don’t really feel anything for Sof and Ell. They are like children, closeted in a nursery, disconnected from a much darker world and therefore feeling kind of divorced from the story I want to read about more, which is Loth’s. Interested to see where this goes, because I’m now conflicted between the two POVs and have a clear favourite. <R>

Oops - sorry! Yay! The real irony of course comes later, when you learn his personality and that he talks a lot of balls* too - so it kind of comes around full circle ( * by which I mean 'nonsense' - and I am kind of joking, sort of, mostly.)

Hey, @M.Puddles, thanks for reading, much appreciated. Err, yes - tell me about it! Some like it, but I tend to doubt it will get past an editor! But what do I know. LOL on the suit, but I take your point. That's why I went for 'business-suited', in case anyone thought it was a space suit, but I agree the line doesn't sit particularly well. Hmm, okay, noted. Yeah, what doesn't seem to land for some readers is that there is a crippled miner in a hospital bed who is talking (and feeling, hearing, etc.) through the android. I need to work on that a bit more, I think. Fair enough, noted. He's not actually imagining the process of passing through a whale. It's the way his (and, yes okay, my) mind works; he's often/usually looking for the funny line in a given situation. If he had been travelling with someone, he most likely would have verbalised the line. Essentially, amongst many other things, he's a frustrated stand-up comedian. I wish that was my record, but it's not I have split this in two now - thanks! It's just a visual metaphor. I feel like a simile there is going to be too crude > 'steelwork like the stem of a dandelion'. Yes, g**gle picture of the Duomo in Milan - it's spectacular. I've never managed to find a catalogue of the statues, although I've looked online. If I was (a) idle rich; (b) a classical scholar; (c) fluent in Italian; (d) single - I would spend a year (or two) in Milan with a telescope trying to catalogue the statues on the Duomo. In fact...<somewhere, a lightbulb comes on> That was pretty much exactly what I was going for Cool image! I think you can use 'fraction' as shorthand for 'fraction of a degree', but your point is well made. I shall consider. Yeah, I can accept the imagery is a bit unclear here. It's been displaced, but it's still a part of life. It's more about how fresh food, in Milan / Italy / Southern Europe has become more valuable than high fashion, but high fashion does still exist. It may be that it's only been displaced from La Galleria into the side streets. I didn't want to dwell on this, as it's really only colour, but that's not going to fly if it's inconsistent or asks questions that I don't answer. Thanks for the flag. Slang? Italian - there's a fair bit, and I', reassured that few people (one?) have flagged it as much of an issue. As a language rooted firmly in Latin, like English, I feel that most of the Italian words can be picked up pretty well by an English-speaker just from context. Here, for example, I think it's pretty clear that 'Scusami' means 'Excuse me'. None really, I was attempting to show him subconsciously anticipating the timer going off, showing competence, in that he has a good awareness of time, motion, etc. Yeah - a lot of peeps have picked this up. I tweaked the end of the chp, but it was not big change. So, now I'm considering pasting in Q's next scene, which has more conflict. Thanks again, Matt - really appreciate you reading. It's great to get all these different perspectives, and also to hear very similar comments coming back, gives real confidence for editing. Cheers, Robinski

Hey @Ernei, thank you so much for reading. I have no problem with any kind of comment ts you want to leave. It's that there is no physical keyboard, but the pattern of one projected on the desk in light, so they don't have to truck 2,000 keyboards to the Moon. We have these now actually. Yeah - just about everyone has had some kind of issue with the clarity of the first chapter. I'm going to tackle that in Edit 2. The personality and the voice speaking through the android is a crippled miner, hence the gruff tone and very 'human' delivery. Ah, he's adjusting the angle of the chair to the vertical / horizontal. I can understand this, and realise now that I probably should have tagged this for S, even if it's anatomical references more than anything else - Sorry!! I'm afraid this is the general tone of the piece, so I will not be remotely offended if the cruder aspect put you off reading any more. Good point, I've split it in two and tweaked slightly. I think it's much better. Thanks! I'm sure there is scope or me to tidy the language and bit without losing the tone. The term 'dead drop' might be causing the issue? It's basically delivering something to a place, but hiding it for someone else to come by and pick it up. It's pretty much synonymous with kidnapping / ransom situations in tv/cinema at least. Hurray! His heart definitely is located above his belly-button. As for his brain... less certain. Yes, that's a good point. The ending fell a bit flat for most others too, but I like how you express it, there is very little or no promise there. I've changed it a little, but all it does not really is confirm that he will remain in la donna's company for a bit longer. I may need to bring Q's next scene into this chapter. Looking at it now, it has a much better hook at the end of the scene. Very helpful, thank you Great comments, thank you, it's great to get a different perspective on the language. There definitely are areas where it needs to be clarified. I also like that you are not enamoured of Q straight away (which some are), so that I have(he has) to work harder to (hopefully) bring you around. Much appreciated!!

Yeah, what aero said, and message @Silk when you want to submit, as you'll need to be added to the email circulation list, but also post in the Submissions thread, so that we can see you request, in case there are any hiccups. Welcome to Reading Excuses @shadowkissed

On we go. “Otherwise, I think we picked the wrong day to be mysterious visitors from a faraway land." - "Why would they suspect us? If we meant to spy on them, then we would already be doing that. No need for an invisible eye in the sky." - "People see strange things and, oftentimes, I'm sure they might think other strange things are related." - "That's a shame. I'd hate for this to be the third job we lose this month.” – This is very tell-y for me, verging maid-and-butler, if not well into m-&-b. Otherwise, I’m not good a rereading stuff so soon, so I didn’t go into the alternate Chp1 much. “How are we supposed to become real knights” – This doesn’t have much impact, because we don’t know what real knights are. Okay, I guess it’s something to be aspired to, but what do real knights do, where do they work, what are the rewards like? I only counted two questions. And then there are three questions that we’ve never heard before, which kind of undermines the fourth question rhyme. Some of the dialogue doesn’t ring true to me, it’s often quite tell-y. I say it about once a week, but I would strongly recommend reading your dialogue out loud which I think is a reliable way to decide if it sounds convincing or not. “Makes it so we need less lanterns overall” – FEWER!!!!!!!! Cor’s reasoning for the gate guards made little sense to me. I wasn’t bowled over by Chapter 2. I felt like there was information coming in cold and without great impact because things were explained in terms of other things which I had no knowledge of. Also, questions and answers were very direct, asked and answered without any partiality, if that makes sense. I was going to say that the adults in this story behave like children, but actually, I think the issue is that the characters don’t display hardly any emotion. It’s like there’s no or very little fear or anger or excitement. <R>

Yeah, it's painfully out of place, completely agree.

Hey there, my attempts to catch up continue. Interested to see how you’ve changed what I read before. There are some good lines on the opening page, and I like that it’s an active opening. I think the language could be tidied up; some of the phrasing seems a bit muddy and unclear, but that’s what edits are for! Also, I get a decent sense, at a high/introductory/basic level, of how the main dream processes manifest, which is good. Enough to be curious to learn more. Shower of noodles, peanut squirrels – lol. As you may recall, I never was in favour of being overly prescriptive about the magic system, so the more detailed explanation at the top of Page 2 starts to lose me. If I’m going to get into greater detail, I don’t want it so close to the start. “red-tipped, black thorn lance and a cactus needle rapier” – cool image of Sof. I don’t like the abbreviation of seven-year. Don’t see the point, you’re only saving two letters, and it looks weird. On the subject of confusing language, I think the encounter with the wolves could be smoother. I know it’s all editing, but I’ll flag where I think language is an issue. “like she's always in the middle of gracefully falling over” – nice description, and novel too. “It'll help me out if I ever need to fight it” – Ooh, suspicious, or is that my paranoia showing? Ah, no, Ell sees it too. “Sofia forgot to breathe” “A long, silver bar spun span and snaked through the air” – I believe. I lose track of the dynamics of Cor’s fighting, I can’t picture what he’s going. You talk about him striking at one point (I think), but with that? The reference to pole dancing threw me completely. It really makes me question what sort of wider world these charcaters live in, that she would know about that. I imagine that there is a gritty Game of Thrones city somewhere, that’s all pain and death, but everyone in the nursery lives in a fairy-tale. That pole dancing reference feels way out of place to me. “there was a disc along its surface that made a slight bump” – I don’t find this description all that clear, although it becomes apparent that it’s an eye, of course. I do enjoy the light and colourful tone of the story, which I’m glad to see is still there. It’s pretty fundamental. The thing that sticks out in my mind as I read this chapter is the story’s scope. All this effort and resource going into the maintenance of a nursery. It makes me wonder what is happening in the wider world. I don’t mind a story with a narrow scope, and it’s certainly entertaining, but I can’t help thinking whether things like politics, geography, economy, religion are going to be touched upon. If not, that’s fine, not all stories need to be, or should be, epics – it’s just something I found myself wondering about – essentially, how does society work? You mention temple culture, which starts to hint at these things, and sparks my interest. I liked the ending where the eyeball was discovered and then flew away, a nice note of tension / threat at the end that promises conflict to come. <R>

Yeah - I see this is not working and will need to tidying it up / explain better. It was a throw-away detail from the character sketches that's become enmeshed and now doesn't sit well. I'll consider it. Great tip - I didn't think of it as boredom, or certainly laced with equal amounts of frustration and anger, but I'll review this. Yeah - I've editing this already after RDP's comment; I'll try it without the caps and see how it works in Edit 2. Thanks Kaisa, great comments as ever, much appreciated

Hey RD, thanks for reading. Yeah, I've tidied this bit up somewhat. The gag which doesn't seem to land is Moth thinking la Madre is calling the android 'him', but la Madre is talking about God. I've tried to smoothen the language out. So pleased you're enjoying it. I'm bursting to explain where it's going, but that would be wrong. I feel nervous about a key scene / event coming up, and whether it will work. But, on the other hand, that just confirms to me that I definitely need you guy's eyes on it Thanks again!

Great comments, thank you. Some testers to this about there - especially this one! I will need to ruminate. Yeah, the massage thing never sat well with me, good point, and there's an opportunity for a joke there which I didn't take. I will revise this bit. Err, cool? I think? I hadn't considered this myself, but it does open a door, potentially. Hmm... Thank you so much for reading, much appreciated, some good points to mull over here, and typos corrected

Comments. I enjoy the description of the senate building; the addition of the painter is a nice touch. Also, I found the encounter by the statue effective. The negotiations involve a fair degree of effort and concentration, but I quite enjoyed them. This is very much the sort of ‘language’ I deal with from day-to-day, if not the subject matter! There were moments where I drifted, but not badly. This said, I wouldn’t want to be reading it after 8pm (no stamina these days). Still, a positive for me, and a good source of character building for Mel. I glide through the rest of the chapter quite easily until I reach the part where Mel starts discussing Las’s wardrobe then posing the two together. That feels uncomfortable, but still somehow within the context of the story, so I don’t mind being discomfited in that part. A nice come-down at the end of the chapter, the re-establishing of reality with something of a bump, but it feels perfectly appropriate, of course. The last line is a nice punctuation for this chapter. Nicely done, I enjoyed it. Some grammar stuff that I didn’t feel strongly enough about to mention. <R>

It does appear that the 'provisional' list for today is as follows, assuming no new members have been in touch with @Silk, in which case there is a slot remaining for a newcomer, if required. @Mandamon @TKWade @kaisa @Robinski

Hey, So, I see there are four submission requests and it's Monday morning. I've got a full day, so I'm going to stick my neck out and submit. This is Chapter 3 and the first appearance of M. Again, some of you may have seen this as bits and pieces, so apologies for the relatively recent repetition. And don't forget the language warning - it's M. I think there are more expletives than adverbs in this, although actually, I've taken one or two swears out. Best, Robinski

More comments. Great chapter title and good epigraph. “If that's the only error she's caught there's probably others” – there are. “The token seems not to not be entirely sufficient here” – I’ve been working at not tagging split infinitive’s but this one’s a beauty. “catching to only suggest at form” – This phrasing is unclear to me. I can see what it’s getting at, but I’m not sure you suggest ‘at’ something. You could (should) drop ‘at’ altogether. From the phrasing, it seems to me that maybe ‘meted out during the day’ was intended in relation to the rationing of her confidence. “Las glances from side to side, but the street she's wandered down just has blank white walls facing it. The street is-- too far away, on either side” – I feel there is confusion here. She looks side to side in the street, then the street is too far away. The second reference is, I presume, to the main street at either end of the side street that she is in? I think it’s clear some distinction is needed here. There are four ‘buts’ in four lines where she tried to get free from the mugger. Doesn’t sound great. I like the encounter with the mugger, good tension, good threat. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen there, and felt the pacing of the encounter was good. Maybe Las got just a bit more thinking time than I might have expected, but I was 75% convinced by her first application of magic. It felt reasonable that there were few details, since she is untrained. I think this chapter is a strong addition to the last version of the story that I read, which I seem to recall lacked this kind of urgent threat (of violence). Not that the last version did not have strengths in intrigue and drama, but I think the pacing is a lot stronger now that Las has more agency. Good job. <R>