Robinski

Aw, sh1t - I'm very prone to capitalising it - sorry.

Hey, thanks for reading, Mandamon! Yeah, the cop's offending line is cut (well, I'm taking out the sexuality reference for starters). Quirk's swear is also going in the mincer, although I don't have a good replacement yet. Excellent, as noted above, it's part of a series of vignettes, but I'm concerned that I won't really get a solid view on them until the first Alpha-read. Good to know the voice was recognisable though. Yeah, that's coming through - pace up for review, I'm taking that it's a step forward though And him having two surnames probably is not ideal! Yeah - I'm going to need to work this in the edit. Noted. I'll try and streamline. Heh - it was a Phantom Menace homage... Glad the ending landed! Thanks so much for reading, @Mandamon, I'm always delighted to have your eyes on this stuff and you've challenged me on some teasers this week - good stuff, much appreciated.

Awesome!! I've added a little something. Enough to remind to me review in Edit 2. Yeah - that line has not been sitting comfortably. It originated in coarse Quirk back in the beginning. i) Cool, and ii) also cool. I will pick up 'wander' in the next edit, I hope. Yeah, okay. I'll try to address this in changing up the scene between Giulia and Moth, which I have tagged as a to-do for Edit 2. So, firstly, I'm in no way wedded to this line, and will take it right out. The intention was to have the cop try to shock Quirk (more than she has already), but also to see if the line was shocking to an audience after being introduced to the character (somewhat) through her accent. The accent is based on the comedy of Gina Yashere, whose mother was an immigrant to Britain from Nigeria, and Yashere would represent her mother's strong Nigerian cadence in this way (pretty much) on stage. I think it's clear that the cop's of African extraction from the dialogue to that point, and I think only one person commented on not being fond of her accent (still to read Mandamon's comment!), but it doesn't seem to be a fail, and I hope it paints a picture of the character without mentioning the colour of her skin, which is what I was trying to do. Heavy-handedly? Maybe, but I'm nothing if not heavy-handed. In terms of that single line of dialogue from the cop, I appreciate that you've been through one learning example this week already... but I'll risk a short question. Is it purely the lack of context for this line, or is it unacceptable for a character to use their sexuality to their advantage to unbalance an opponent in an argument? Feel free to disregard. And the line is cut, btw. Thank you so much for reading, @kaisa. really encouraged by your comments. Challenged and encouraged

Hey, thanks for reading RDP! Okay, I can see that. I'd imagine she'd been called all sorts, so surprise may not be appropriate. Good call. I've changed it a bit. It is just that. It's part of a short series of interludes in Callan's POV. I'm hoping in normal reading, they would not seem too far apart. I guess with WRS, this might be a bit of an issue. Awesome!! Thanks for reading!

Hey @Mandamon and @kaisa - sorry to not get to your comment today, that's gonna be tomorrow morning now, but thanks so much for commenting, my breath is bated.

Ha-ha, okay then. I'm going to get a good test if you get further into the story. Lol - yes. So I'm still conflicted about it!

Or does he? Yeah

Hey, thanks for reading Aero, glad Quirk is 'solidifying' as a character, that's good to hear. The cursing, yes, I'm conscious of his cursing because of Moth's propensity for it. I can't have both of them going at it, so I'm trying to be sparing with Quirk's swears. I'll need you guys to flag for me when it feels too much. I'd like him to drop one now and again and it have impact, whereas it's almost expected of Moth. Not far off. Again, I'm not sure if you read the first chapter, where we see something of the crippled miner, Callan. That's the voice we hear, and there is a use of his name which was supposed to flag it. Again, I might need to draw this out more if it's not clear. This is a good point. I'll admit that I've had a similar nagging feeling about 'the Brotherhood' - there's a strong chance I'll change that - thank you. The point, another good point, and I might just contract the timescale. I'll ponder that. Great comments, thank for reading Aeromancer. There are some good changes here that will improve things

Lol. Glad you felt the pace, and does give me something to think about the early stuff, although I'll admit I'm reluctant to change the general flow, I accept the drop/pick-up needs some adjustment. They do now!! Thanks It wasn't conscious, but I'll make a note of that. Okay, noted - I'll recap this once the critiques are in. I won't say any more at this stage, although I did note that Ernei didn't mention it. Ok - again, as with @Ernei's comment about the handcuffs, probably just 'roughing' Quirk up to emphasise the risks of dissing Toni. I might need to emphasise this. Okay, good comment - I'm going to need to show more state of mind there - thanks. Umm, nope. I don't think it will be a problem going forward. I tried to write this in a kind of omniscient, so we're not supposed to be in anyone's POV - I got this far! Might need to revise. I didn't want the reader knowing what was going on (in Grimes' mind), but I didn't want to add another POV (Toni's). I'll note this for Edit 2 - thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. Good comments here, I feel it's better already. Thanks for reading

Gah, yes, transport engineering speak emerging, sorry. I going for metric, but I've gone too far. Thanks! - Change to "less than a metre wide" Hmm. It's supposed to sound fake, because it's a set up. Would that cover it, do you think? Fair point, maybe just to put the wind up him. I'll consider that. Thanks! And it's supposed to be noticeable that it's Callan, the crippled miner from the first chapter, but I think maybe you mentioned that you hadn't read that? I'll be watching closely to see what the others think of the section, but so glad it worked for you. If you did read Chapter 1 and didn't get the Callan reference, I'll need to bring it forward a bit, I guess. It's totally hyperbole, but I can understand why you might express doubt in an SF setting. Again, I need to see how this chimes across the other critiques. Excellent, thanks. And good comment, I don't like that myself so I've taken one out, even before re-reading it myself. Yeah, heh, 'lol'... Glad you enjoyed it, Ernei - great comments, thank so much for reading.

Yeah, maybe. No, you're okay with 'propriety', I just read it wrong for some reason. For me, yes.

I would refute this strenuously if it wasn't true...

Hey everyone, So here are Chapters 5 and 6; kind of short, but that's part of my whole approach to this story and these characters; short, sharp and hopefully sparky. So, early on in this chapter is something that I feel might be controversial. It's there with the intention of creating 'instant' character, to spice up the sound of the story a bit (in passing), and I really am just looking for your reaction to it, does it work or does it not, and why. Cheers, Robinski

"Read your dialogue out loud." I've been plugging this advice heavily since I heard on WE, although its originated somewhere else, I think. It works for prose too; I find it very effective to just read the whole thing out loud on Edit 3 or 4. It's amazing what turns up.

Lol. My dad was, for many years, Head of Physics at a large private school in Glasgow, and I was always better at Chemistry - how well do you think that went down? It's working. Doesn't mean all your characters need to be improbably clutsy It was all about the Physics (and the description) - but yes, I feel we've seen your writing grow this past year, but I think it's clear to see you are on more 'solid' (if slightly spongey) ground in the forest.

Thanks Silk!

Well, well – here we go again. I’m curious to read something other than Nee/Atal from you, and excited that we’re in another genre. Having said that, Space Opera is somewhat akin to fantasy with space ships, imho, so perhaps not that far removed, but I am interested in what made you depart SF for fantasy when I thought you might consolidate your publishing career in the genre which you will be (initially) known for by the public. Unless you’re not planning to push this as your next published project. Hey ho, what do I know! “The hand was child-sized“ – I know, I know – sorry. I won’t do any more grammar at this stage. “Angiosperm or gymnosperm” – Okay – I was confused here, but only because you said it was fantasy, that doesn't mean it can't be set in mordern ('scientific') times, of course. “They weren’t likely to stay long enough for it to matter, or if they were planning on staying, the smell would likely drive them off. Either was fine with me.” – Getting some nice character coming through; competitiveness, ambition, competence. “The alchemist,” I finished for him” – lol. “every awkward stare at my body” – This is a very particular way of expressing it, I take from this that there is some kind of body 'issue'. Not with image, but going deeper than that. “left streaks of blood mixed with the mist on his face” – Huh? I'm confused. Did the vapour cause that? I think the description in this piece is really strong (so far), in a way that same in the Ard trilogy was less so. “Here was my mother’s heart and my mother’s legacy” – There seems to be an inconsistency in the use of the word ‘mother’, which is capitalised a lot at the beginning, but seems to be less so now. Because of protag’s strong reaction to being called ‘daughter’, I was starting to think that it isn’t a biological relationship, and that Mother was a title. Now, I’m unsure what to think. “damp air would finish settling the bones” – Why is this relevant, the bones were dismissed before as a useless by-product? “I’m not picky about what kinds of bones I use” – Wasn’t it said before that the bones were unimportant, and the important part was already in the pot (I presumed that meant the flesh)? “The other word, ‘woman’, burned worse than the smell of the pyridine” – Okay - this tends to confirm the earlier point about 'daughter'. I'm glad you added to that with this, and didn't leave the reader wondering too long. “I jerked, stumbled into the door frame, and landed the wrong way on my ankle” – I don’t get this; I can’t picture what just happened. Also, seems contrived that the injury occurred at this moment, through no clear cause – feels like author ex machina. “and the night my sudden ally” – call 'illegal' blocking - 5 yard penalty, repeat first down. I'm pretty sure I didn't know it was night time until now. I’m liking what I’ve seen of the ‘magic’ (alchemy) so far, good job. Gore? Yes, fine. This seems different, and therefore interesting. “Thu’s witch was loose” – Hmm, so how is it the reputation of being a witch will or already has attached to them, but not the mother? A bit unclear on that. Or is it the case that mother can’t do any of the alchemical stuff? I forget any earlier references. So, I enjoyed this plenty. Good, solid character set up, much better description than AFD/SD/TD, I think, and good action right from the off. I found the ‘combat’ very convincing; there was desperation, and neither side was especially competent, which always feels more realistic than blinding skill – which is overdone. I like the way you kept me guessing how this episode was going to turn out. Would the kidnapping succeed; would the kidnappers lose their prey in the woods. I like that they were foiled, because you laid a trail of comments that seemed to spell out how things would go if the kidnapping succeeded, making that success seem likely. Nice job. More please. <R> p.s. And with that, I am caught up from October 2016 - yaaaaayyyyy!!

Random thought, but I enjoy the thought that, in coming back around to where I read to before, we are approaching the point at which we can see the story progress beyond the celebration. “her fingers pressing to the small of Las's back, warm against the skin” – I feel that these words distance me, as reader, from what Las is feeling, company to omitting the first one and saying ‘her’ skin. Maybe Las is trying to distance herself from her feelings however. “more prestigious ears” – Was that deliberately catty? ‘More prestigious ears than yours and Melq’s’? Ouch. “we've still got the house” – I've got no sense so far that Las’s house is anything to be especially proud of. This comment seems to imply that the house is fit for a family of quite high (middle class) standing – but my impression of it has always been of a place that is not that big, and maybe a bit run down. I don’t really picture it as a family home for a prosperous merchant. Possibly because I can’t recall much if anything in the way of description of the building itself. “looking down at Ilu's face” – Hmm, is she that much shorter than Las? “Las considers Ilu a moment, at the silky dress swirling around her” – Considers…, at? “how much of Ilu's pink clings there” – where? – her hips, her chest? I didn’t think it was clear. “Something between impatience and exhaustion washes through Sav” – Great phrase, I know this feeling! There are grammar points that I'm skipping because I don’t want to argue about it. “Then, because they can't resist” – I know you didn’t use the word ‘resist’ earlier, but the sentiment of not resisting still felt a little repetitious to me. “A gift, from my god to yours” – Great line. “Is that irony? I'm never certain about that sort of thing” – Lol, excellent. I know this feeling too “than a priest of the goddess of the twin moons rejecting any such dualism in their own nature” – I don’t know who this is a reference to, but I can’t recall feeling that either of the possible candidates was rejecting their dualism. “Instead Mar taps at the table” – Instead of what? “That's not a real question, is it?” – I feel like I comment quite a lot on dialogue on RE, and that I'm often dissatisfied with it (or parts of it), personally. To me, this here is an example of great dialogue and indicative of much of Waning’s dialogue, which I almost always enjoy. I feel you capture the subtlety that ‘real’ people so often use (consciously or not) to try and convey more than one thing in what they say, by the way they say it, or to hide what they actually mean. I’ve been peddling the idea heard on WE more than once (but no originally) of reading dialogue out loud to test for plausibility / authenticity, certainly in later edits. I feel that dialogue should engender emotional response in the reader, not just convey information; and I don’t mean the reader should feel the emotion of the speaker (sometimes, maybe), but perhaps might also feel the reaction of the listener / receiver of the dialogue. Pushing the quality or limits of one side of the dialogue gives the person on the other side something to react to that can elevate their responses to the general benefit of the scene, I think. Anyway, to stop blathering and summarise, I really do like the dialogue in Waning. Thanks for your patience. “Would it surprise you if I said I don't meet people very well” – Lol, and then I get to climb down. What does she mean by well, easily? Often? Comfortably? “she rolls onto her back, settling into the cushions” – I feel like her wings are getting squashed. “a dress that's only white by implication” – awesome description, and “Shining silver embroidery and scintillating beads offer a parody of modesty” – more awesome still. “There's hundreds of regulations about what you can do with magic” – Okay, I said no grammar comments, but this is about the third or fourth time on this one. If it was one character in their dialogue, I can rationalise it as being a character tick, but it has issued from more than one mouth, and I believe there was an instance in narrative (I’m not going back to look for it). Convention, dare I say it, grammatical rule would be ‘There are hundreds…’ “We must reframe the very structure of the work-- and for that I need a lawyer.” – I don’t see why a lawyer is the most appropriate person for this task, compared say to an engineer, or a doctor, or a scientist. What is it about the study of shudk magic that only a knowledge of statute can address, rather than just a knowledge of complex systems, which it seems to me the others would a have? This leads me to thinking that Mar’s proposal is simply a ruse. “I fear I'm going to need to extrapolate” – Rofl. “more undone by that single kiss than by any of Ilu's (rather deft) attentions” – Bam, great line. “Half the women here are wearing this colour," she says, keeping her voice light; a tease, not a barb. "Have you said that to many of them?” – Yes, perfect response. “It takes half a second for her to hazard a guess as to his age relative to her own” – She’s already made this judgement, has she not? This felt repetitious to me. “It's a little later, but shall we make this one to the health of our families?” – I’m not getting her meaning. As in ‘It’s a bit late because they’ve already left’? If so, they haven’t arrived yet, have they, so the toast probably is still good anyway. I find Las’s speech about the war less than clear. I’m not following her ideas. “She gives him one last once-over, too” – I didn’t count the once-overs, but there were enough that they started to feel comical, I thought. Long? Yes, but I thought this version of the chapter conveyed the nature of the gathering. Not so much that it was wild or debauched, which I didn’t get, but certainly that inhibitions were checked at the door. Descent plot progress, I thought, without being rapid, but I’m in this for the intrigue more than the action. <R>

Hey Eagle, looking forward to reading this a seeing things move forward, I hope “He squatted to get a better look at the body” – Does his gammy leg permit this? How will he get up again? I have dodgy knees and I would prefer not to do this, but I don’t need a stick. “He looked between her breasts – briefly, for propriety’s sake.” – This line threw me at first, I felt like it read that he looked between her breasts because propriety required it!! I think I kind of blanked the dash, which makes all the difference, of course, actually, I think the comma may be an issue too. But anyway, he’s a policeman, so propriety should have nothing to do with it. Going around being polite is going to hamper his detection skills. I like to see the early link to the Fury Priest, on the basis that I think you said this is now the next thing after the prologue. “Let him keep his innocence for now, the job will rid him of it soon enough” – nice bit of hard-bitten cynicism, I like it. “a minor temple in Shell Town” – if this is part of the town’s name, it should be capitalised, imho. “throughout the Shelltown” – Okay, the syntax of the town’s name officially is bugging me now. But then later I see that I think the first one is just a typo – overreaction!! Sorry “possible motive for their killings was simply that they were Dhé-ists. Prob had always found that catching a murderer who chose random victims” – But they’re not random, they’re all Dhe-ists, how can that be random? It seems like a pretty clear flag. If 1-in-100 people in the city were Dhe-ists, and the killings truly were random, then there’s a 1% chance that the first victim will be a Dhe-ist, but the chances of all 3 randomly being Dhe-ists is 1% x 1% x 1%, which is one-in-a-million, if I remember my statistics correctly. “Did you find any clues this time” – This sounded weird to me. I can’t believe that real police officers and detectives talk about ‘clues’, it seems rather ‘Famous Five’ / Harry Potter, as in a term that a younger audience would understand. “I wouldn’t trust not to try pissing upwind” – I feel this is off. The point about pissing upwind is that your trousers get wet. Prob’s comment is, I think, intended in the form ‘I wouldn’t trust a junior to do something that is easy, but pissing upwind is hard. So, I’m thinking the logic would be for him to say, ‘I wouldn’t trust a junior to piss downwind’ – I think. “the praefect stated with a nod for emphasis and walked away” – You don’t need to say this, it’s obvious. Let the reader work out these little details themselves, imho. “it was only 7 seven levels down to Crin’ shop” – There’s a time for numerals in text, but not as a general number like this as part of the narrative. If it was part of the title of the place, like ‘Here we are on Level 7,’ them fine. But not like this. “Were those Dhé chasing him?” – What? Were what Dhe? As a reader, I didn’t see any signs to think anything was chasing him. “took a bowl of off a shelf” – typo. I like the description and the idea around Prob patronising the barber’s shop. I like the description of the shop using smell, and I like the comfortable, companionable feeling that you conveyed to me from Prob walking into the place and what he sensed and felt. “from the lather Crin preferred” – I'm no expert on shaving (having a beard), but I feel that it’s the soap that he uses. It’s not like the lather comes out of the packet as lather, so I feel it would be the soap that Crin preferred. “being chased by packs of paper rats” – Why didn’t we get to see these on the first encounter on the ramp? “I’m senior quaestor Sen and you seem to be in some sort of trouble” – This was going to be my main gripe which I was going to save to the end, but this line really calls it out for me. I find some of the dialogue unconvincing, I feel that it’s too straightforward, simplistic if you like, in some places. It’s just something about the phrasing, but I really think it needs to be worked over, unless your audience is Young Adult (which I think means 12 to 18). “to the sound of Clup’s curses, whose trousers had dropped to his ankles” – I feel that the grammar is off here, the phrase order, I think. Again however, this kind of slapstick comedy makes me question the tone of the piece that I'm reading. I'm not going to try a summate all that, but will go for overall impressions instead. I enjoyed the general flow of the chapter, notwithstanding the issues that I had, and I think you are right that this will sit well coming before Laur’s introduction, and make her chapter more relatable. The reader knows that there’s a gruff cop in the story, so I think would be less worried that Laur was going to dominate. It might also take the edge off the male chr, who was pestering Laur, whose name I forget. Good stuff, I’m looking forward to getting past all the introductions and seeing some detection. <R>

Woo hoo, I’m up to date with Seeds. “windows that let it much of the view” – ‘let in’, I guess, but somehow letting in the view didn’t sound quite right to me either. “the vertigo that battered at him.” – personally. “comprised/formed made of the head of each house of the maji” – to me ear, ‘made’ just sounded, I don’t know, off tone, somehow. “looked like a stuffed sausage” – lol. “Councilor Fres is correct, Majus Cyrysi.” Jhi carefully stressed his title” – is the name underline a typo? “Tell them what you told us,” Ril said, finally joining the conversation” – But she just spoke like two paragraphs before. “Freshta’s wings buzzed in agitation” “since when Rilan had been an apprentice” “though the boy was only a little shorter than him” – Oh, this has changed my image, I was picturing Sam shorter. I think you’ve made him older in this latest version? I always thought Ori was pretty tall – care to put feet-and-inches on it? “If Ril agreed to help, they covered half of the symphonies.” – I didn’t get this right away. “Her wings twitched in glee” – I know that Ori is evidently a pain the Council’s collective neck, but it feels like there is a slightly arch-villainous attitude towards Sam from two of the members, to the point of them seeming a bit Cruella De Ville (pantomime comical) – particularly there being two of them, one of them maybe less noticeable. “she had authority to call consensus votes” – since there are three candidates to apprentice Sam, I’m not exactly clear at this point what they are voting on. It’ll be clear at the end but, I think there’s a lack of clarity on the motion. I think a convincing Council and chairperson would clearly state the motion before the vote. This is the convention in any Council meetings I attend. “Surely if he had been hungry he would have asked?” – I feel that this is not a question, but Ori protesting to himself. I feel like the end of this chapter kind of fizzles out a bit*. Not that there needs to be a punch in the guts at the end of every chapter, of course, but I don’t feel like I'm hauled on to the next one, just invited, politely to proceed, if it’s not too much trouble, and I don’t have anything else to do. No major stuff, some minor quibbles, pretty fine detail. I enjoyed it, but you knew that already. One thing maybe, I feel like I'm not quite fixed on Sam’s age. Eagerly anticipating the next instalment notwithstanding my comment about*. <R>

Yeah, I think you're right, that thread is a bit muddy. As noted above, I'm going to re-write the background to the M + G encounter. Hmm, yes, I've made some oblique comments about the political geography of Europe having changed, but only a set dressing, I haven't actually followed that through. nominally, Italy is now affiliated with Africa, politically at least, and no doubt the countries in between (Greece, Cyprus, etc.). I don't want to make a big thing out of it in this story; it's really only there as colour, to add a sense of otherness. Lol - excellent! Awesome, I will take that, and it's kind of you to keep reading. Much appreciated, Ernei

Ha-ha - awesome. Londoners, they're have their own special brand of hospitality. Thank you, yes, I'm totally going to re-write that section. Same general mechanics, but it I accept it needs a gee-up. Good point - there is a line where La Madre says 'starting tomorrow' (or something like that), 'he'll be your 'guide'. It's a bit lame asa means to give her the space she needs to stand in for Giulia. I'll consider that in the re-write. It's actually a black dress smock dress. It is mentioned on the first page, but maybe I need to drop another mention or two to make that stick. I guess La Madre's line is in the previous chapter in fact. Good point. I'll drop that into this one, near the start. Thanks so much for reading, Hobbit, much appreciated, great comments here.

Hey there, more comments. “Only one pair could become the Arc and the position was fought over between the high families fiercely” – You seem to say they’re unique, then rare, then the families are fighting over getting their twins to the top to be Arc. I’m confused. Why is ‘father’ capitalised, I don’t get it, don’t see the need. “With no twin-borns to become Arcs I can become the High Templar instead." Ness said with a smile” – I expected her to go ‘Mu-ah ha ha!!’ at this point, Ness comes over very much the pantomime villain to me, in her actions and her dialogue. Also, some of Steph’s lines could be more convincing. I think reading the dialogue out loud is a valuable test of how convincing it is. “The ball starts in two hours. I'm going to my quarters to get ready.” – Here for example, I don’t think a sibling would say or need to say where they were going to get ready. Why is ‘tinker’ capitalised? The more you use capitalisation the less effective or relevant it is. I find Lan’s dialogue more effective, and the interactions between him and Steph are more convincing than the scene between the siblings, for me. I wonder why Lill’s appearance is a surprise to Steph; would he not have sensed her presence through the bond? (Which I’ll say again is very Aes Sedai / Warder a la Wheel of Time). Ness’s appearance feels like a repetition of Lill’s, and it makes Steph look pretty useless, his sister’s finding him out so easily. Verging on comical. Okay, then a reveal that Lan has shopped him, then there are guards. The cutting of Steph’s throat is dramatic, but the ending feels forced, all these new elements thrown into the scene in the space of a page, it felt unnatural to me. The ending of this chapter was the biggest issue for me. I don’t really care enough for these characters for it to be earned and it feel forced, I wasn’t convinced. I also mentioned the sibling dialogue and an issue for me. <R>

Yeah, I got a good sense of the relationship, those were good details, it was more the amount of detail on that they were doing, I think; not in the sense of throwing in description of the environment, but just the sheer length of time they seemed to spend doing what they were doing, and the reader seeing all of that. I'm not describing this very well. To illustrate, instead of spending 1,000 words (or whatever) saying 'They went through this door, down that corridor, then down this ramp and around this bend, opened that door...' for 4 pages, perhaps try conveying the exasperating repetitive part of the journey in a couple of paragraphs, like 'They spent what felt like hours trawling through the passageways of the temple, bend after straight after bend.' I've gone back to have another look. I dropped the text in Word so I could track some comments and I will email that to you. I think the first 5 pages are pretty tight and do a good job of establishing the setting and the characters, plus their relationship. That takes them to the 'treasure room', after that, I think things start to get a bit baggy. There's still tension, but I thinks it's eroded a bit by the text getting a bit ramble and 'over-written' to some extent which, for me, comes down to simple editing. There's a paragraph on the second last page "When his chest eased..." which I had a go at, I hope you don't mind. Your version is 131 words, I took a third out at 92 words. See what you think, but even if you took 20-25% out of the whole chapter with phrasing edits your 6,800 would become 5,100 to 5.400 and be a lot tighter, really zip along, I think. In the end, I feel that's what it come down to, not that there are whole paragraphs that you would cut (maybe only a handful), but just a general compression of the text to streamline. I think you said the story was at 200,000 words and not finished? That's going to be really exhausting, imho. And from what I read and listen to on WE, no new author is going to be considered at that length. I hope that this is useful. It's all opinion at the end of the day.

If we're on again, I would like to submit on the 20th, if possible.