Robinski

Lol - Is he really doing that? - I just love the it invokes the voice of Sean Connery. I knew there must have been others who got it

Yay!! Yep, I agree with @Mandamon (Ooh, feels like a while since I said that - normal service has been resumed )

Great point - quite right, changed. Ha-ha - glad you picked it, you may be the first; and that you liked it. Maybe if TMM was ever published I'd get sued - who knows. It's there cause I thought it was fun It was supposed to indicate retina scanning to get into his mail, but I guess that didn't come across. ...and that would be a problem! I've reworded the sentence, chopping it down a bit too - thanks. And I've edited that sentence of P74, much tidier now. Great comments, Eagle, thank you for reading - much appreciated

Thanks for reading, RD, much appreciated. I'm going to can-of-worms any knowledge or otherwise that Quirk may have about Moth's parents. It might crop up in another story. I think it's good that it comes over uncomfortable. Glad you're still enjoying the back-and-forth, and still curious

Lol - I like that. Setting aside the WoT connection, Perrin is not a very interesting name, kind of fantasy generic. I note everything you say. All very interesting, I'm going back to read your response again. The coffee shop where I park myself 75% of my mornings to write is managed by an individual who I suspect from their (camp) manner is as gay as the day is long. I'm only trying to say that I encounter regularly and could not be less bothered by the (over?) friendly, outgoing, ebullient and (arguably) 'forward' manner that sometimes comes with different sexuality. Actually, I like it, because I am an innately shy person and it brings my out into conversation. My problem with Mag was not the lack of tact, goodness knows I'm working with such a character myself atm(!), but just that I thought where she ended up was inconsistent with her introduction.

Fair point. You were not alone in this. The character(s) carried some people through the earliest chapters. Hmm, okay. I'm going to note that for myself for Edit #2. Some comments I'm fixing as I go through my current first edit, with which I am past halfway (~150 pages). Okay. That's going to be a thing throughout. My personal opinion is that numerals are fair game in SF, but not in Fantasy, where the words should be used. That's my opinion, although I do think it's borne out by published works, generally. Imho, the best humour is based on something plausible, or at least physically possible, in theory. Hence, I chose a whale because I figure a human could pass through its colon - if not in reality, then at least plausibly for the reader. Quirk likening the experience to passing through a gnat's colon actually has a kind of pithiness to it verbally, but clearly it's impossible, so I think I loses a lot of the comic impact - if it had any in the first place! Also, using a gnat's colon makes it sound like a different joke about smallness. "Hey Joe, you're brain wouldn't fit through a gnat's colon" - for example. You might want to consider stopping now. This novel is chock-full of foul language, obsession with clothing and dialogue that I think is clever, or rather funny (not the same thing, obvs) - but still very much in this vein. I really appreciate you reading and always value your opinion and comments. Thanks, King

Yeah - I think that's your hook right there. I would spend a buck for a book without hesitation.

Nuggel stress balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes!!!

Comments. Super engaging opening to the chapter. The sense of renewal is palpable. This new bent for description that you have is paying off in spades. “I wanted to toss the entire thing into the fireplace and light the match myself.” – Great passage ending with this that tells me as much about guilds as anything that has gone before. “The triarchy of Perrin” – Some time ago, I made a strong recommendation to someone who had this name in their story. I can’t remember who now, but using a name straight out of Wheel of Time, the Lord of Two Rivers no less, is best avoided, I think; you might as well call one of your characters Frodo. (Ok, I exaggerate for effect, but still…) “I sipped at my drink as I thought about Iro’s breasts, and Mag’s reaction” – This is very ‘on the nose’ for me, I think you could subtle-ify it some. “since Mag was clearly enjoying everything else of interest” – same here, I feel like you’re pushing this aspect too hard. “Double handfuls, easily.” “She has very nice breasts” – no, you’ve lost me. Maybe as a small rebalancing of the avalanche of male-gaze this works, but as characterisation it feels like bludgeoning to me. “she could have chosen a bar with properly made furniture” – Lol, seems very much in character for Sor. “Are you a man?” – This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules? In the space of a paragraph, Mag has gone from sensitive, caring friend of childhood to crass, boorish, hurtful lout; it’s just not the same person. “I grinned as I pushed past her” – this jarred for me; I do not take Sor as a grinner, on evidence to date. “I smiled sweetly at her” – and this. I feel like the transformation of Sor’s demeanour from miserable and defensive to gleeful and exuberant is tough to take. I enjoyed this chapter a good deal, there was information on various different aspects of character and setting that was satisfying to learn. My biggest, in fact only real bugbear was the emotional tone between Sor and Mag, which I felt was off beam in places. I really didn’t think it was WRS on my part. I don’t mind Mag being the way she was at the end of the chapter, but I didn’t get any sense of that from the original encounter. Nice work – I think it’s clear as day you are much more comfortable in this ‘non-tech’ setting than in the world(s) of Ard. I am keenly anticipating future submissions. Don’t you dare stop submitting till the end. <R>

Hey ID, thanks for reading - much appreciated. Yeah, fair comment. I've inserted something. I felt like I needed a (reader) reaction there, but perhaps it doesn't sit with Quirk's personality. I'll weigh the balance of reactions. Again, I've inserted a line. I've flagged this for pick-up in Edit #2 in terms of the through line of Quirk' tone. Great comments, thank you!

Fungus?

Hey, thanks for reading, Man - much appreciated. Phew, I'm pleased to hear you say that. Hmm, okay. One of you two on this point is pause of thought, but both is like a copper-bottomed certainty. I will recap those reactions. Heh - I've been assuming this too! But I need some kind of external corroboration. This said <spoilers>, so I'll need to get through this Edit #1 to see what the overview opinion is at the end. I just feel there is stuff that will attract criticism of tone and consistency, but we'll see. Yeah, I've tweaked this slightly. It's meant to be nervousness about Toni's warning of assassins - I might need to play up the threat, I guess. Yeah, I've tried to flag a bit better, but I suspect this will need a bit more work. He was supposed to be warning them off by pretending to be an assassin. I need to ponder this. It's not story critical. Thanks so much for reading, Mandamon. Really helpful, as always, for knowing where to put in more effort

Hey, thanks for reading, Kaisa. I always brace myself just a little before reading your critiques, but I'm always happy afterward. The first reaction reminds me of getting my homework back, the second reaction, meh, not so much Okay, I'm going to can-of-worms that, as Howard might say, on the basis that there's a long way to go, and I will have a close eye on character voice in Edit #2. Hmm, that feels a bit like a cheap shot to me. Easy for a sophisticate to take take the rise out of a teenager's garb, but she's rebelling. Maybe him complementing her clothes would actually be more hurtful!! Cool - that feels like a tiny bit of progress. Lol, this is very much how I roll in my day job, so if I don't have it down now, I'm in trouble. There are two. The second one is Moth's, but its appearance is perhaps not well flagged. I've changed a little to emphasise that there are two. Thanks. Ok. My first reaction is that he's not intimidated by short, fat, Italian plumbers/hitmen, but I take your point. I suspect I'm going to spend most of Edit #1 searching for the right tone/balance in Quirk's outlook. Essentially to wind Quirk up and scare him into action if there was any indication that he might be dragging his heals about getting Moth away. Pretty ham-fisted, but I'll see how the other reactions go. I might need to tidy it up in retrospect, but I'll let it run for now before stepping into changes. Really appreciate your comments, Kaisa. Thank you so much for reading.

I dunno, I feel like this forum's only big enough for three...

<does very quiet, very small, victory dance> Wowser. I won't say anything because <spoilers>, but you touched (indirectly) on something here that I've overlooked; a dimension for at least one of the characters that I should have picked up on. Thank you so much; I'm going to pop back to my current edit and <more spoilers> Man, I love this forum Actually, lol, when I went to the end of the story to insert a line, I found I had picked it up after all. I think I just discovered QWS - Quarterly Writer Syndrome. Ha-ha, no it was supposed to be reverse engineered for this situation, but you've quite rightly called me out on this. I'll need to flag it better that it was something done recently. Good point. Maybe I'm leaning on writers' license too hard, but that's what critiquing is for, thanks! Yes, weird places, isn't it wonderful Somehow, the promise (threat?) of weird is more powerful (entertaining?) than going there. Aw brilliant!! I feel like I found ten bucks in street, I was ready to roll my sleeves up to do heavy research for Edit #2, but you've reassured me that a toxin can work. However... there is the intention of ongoing danger, so maybe it is an issue. I'm still going to flag the mod to Moth. The corollary of which seems to be if you can capture the reader's attention you can get away with tons of stuff! I'm so heartened by your comments. Thank you so much for reading. Not that I was disheartened, but I think I had lost the place a little bit with work and stuff, so thank you for helping get me back on track

I noticed, but was too polite (or was it forgetful? Can't remember.) to say anything I agree with Hobbit, if you're not trying to work in some so-deep-it's-subteranian link to Greek mythology, and it's just logophilia then I too think you need to change it up a bit more.

Comments. The first paragraph is a killer. There are really long sentences and it’s 90% descriptive – I would seriously consider chopping a lot of that detail. As a reader, I want character first, setting second. “passengers to unboard” – ‘disembark’, I would suggest, maybe ‘debark’, although I never liked that word, sounds like something you do to a tree. “Oh. You know him then?” – The discussion about Snec works so much better when I’ve met him already. “and I thought his smile was nice” – this is a really nothing word. I reckon in any situation one might use ‘nice’ there are at least ten other words that are better, or convey some of emotion – for me, nice does next to nothing. “but I’d rather be a galley-slave than a priest,” he added with a hint of venom” – this is the first sentence where I really felt much insight into or engagement with one of the characters, because of the revelation of something that might otherwise have been hidden. Somehow, I feel like this version is wordier than the last. There’s a lot to be said for compact and efficient narrative. Also, I think part of the wordiness is down to there being a fair bit of telling, explaining things that the reader would be more satisfied (I think) in working out for themselves. For example, “getting two meant Cel was very, very smart indeed.” Don’t tell the reader the answer, let them find it, in this case, you could say “getting two was unheard of.” I think using this type of approach, you get more reader investment for fewer words – double win. “shattered parts of a confused rainbow” – nice impression. “Janus” – huh? Was this his name before? I don’t remember, but it’s easier to handle as a reader than Cela. “Janus Celatian” – oh, I see, must have missed a bit. Cela’s sudden need to east is strange. I don’t have a handle on him yet, but I feel like he’s near the edge of being annoying – not sure on which side. I really like how one hand does one thing, and the other another – nice touch. This feels like that Dan Wells thing – explain one small detail and get reader buy-in to the big things. “he said with another dazzling smile” – Yeah, I feel like he’s turned up too loud for my taste in characters, and her reaction to him feels too easy, like he’s already ‘won’. “this might actually improve your chances” – of what? Don’t follow. I think I’ve covered it in my comments. I think this chapter still has edits to go to streamline it and make it more digestible. Some good stuff though, just weighed down by too many words, I think. <R>

Comments. “leverage into the Council” – sounded odd to me, compared say to ‘with’ or ‘on’. “It was hard to guess at M. expressions without the aid of the Nether” – where there is one humanoid looking at another, there must be two inputs; the natural instinct of the brain to interpret humanoid features, and then the N’s interpretation. Can the Nether detect lies and show actual feelings? I think not(!!) But why not? “The sooner he Sam was on his feet, the sooner Ori could start” – suggest for clarity. “The boy—young man, really” – excellent, I'm pleased. To me, this is very clear. “Sam looked back and forth at between them.” “as if Sam would have made his move then” – don’t follow how this fits. “It is not preferable, but it should work for the moment” – sounds off to me, compared to say ‘desirable’ or ‘recommended’ I feel I’m not very good at re-reads, because often, I don’t retain much impression of the original! Anyway, there is a lot of information being conveyed in this chapter, so any way you slice it I think it will not be one of the more dynamic chapters. You’re pushing info on setting; Arid; symphony; Ril’s abilities; space exploration – it’s going to be a lot to take in at the best of time, the only thing I can think of is to make it a short as possible, and really trim back on the exposition / internal dialogue as much as possible. <R> Yeah, this bugged me, but apparently not enough to mention it in main comments! An alley between wooden walls... Dunno. Yeah - like what, a thousandth, 0.00001% There have been times where the investment has been substantial and harmful, like Ori's on the moon. I agree some kind of distinction would be good here. Like theoretically permanent, but barely noticeable, something quantifiable for the reader.

Third trombone? Stand-in second trombone? Superior trombone?

Hey everyone, I'm pleased to bring you another chapter of TMM, Number 8, to be precise - and the longest submission yet. For what it's worth, this chapter takes the page counter to a quarter of the way through. Best, Robinski

I must apologise. As first one awake on Monday morning, I had intended to do the honours, but my writing time from 7am to 8.30am this morning was rudely over taken by WORK!!! As a result, I forgot to do the necessary.

Maybe you could call him 'Greg' after the first use of the name?!