AnAirSickFool

Finished reading it. All in all it was an interesting read. As mentioned the humor was made up of good satire. The story also drove forward at a good and believable pace. The only issue I had was with the use of second person narration. While it was done very well and was important to the story, I felt like the narrator changed partway through the story. For the first part is sounded like almost like a corporate manual or other such document but at some point it felt like it changed to a more personal narrator as it focused more on the individuals life. That might just be me though since the only second person narrations that I have read are from mandatory corporate literature.

Finished with reading the chapter First though I did have a question. How hard of a sci fi system are you trying to have for the book? I ask since for the scene where they travel faster then light everything goes black outside the ship. From the research I have done on the subject I would assume that only the area 180 ish degrees behind them would go black and everything in front would go through very high red shift. If you found that it behaves differently then I would love to read the source on that. I would also be interested in how the alien guns work. Not for story purposes but just out of curiosity. Other then that I liked the chapter. Good movement through the action I did feel the comparison on page to the inside of a room being like the inside of a large pizza box was an odd comparison. It seems like a complicated way of say the room was square.

this is the 3rd chapter which is mostly to showcase the city a little as well as other nobles.

Could I post something this Monday?

Thanks for the replies. I can see the point about how being late is a little weak. I can probably workshop that a bit and add some tension to the scene or something. the use of army instead of legion is a good catch. the original draft had simple names for most things and It seems I missed changing things into their proper names. the decline of the family is something I need to go into in more detail. I had planned on doing it in a later chapter, but if it would help I could explain a bit more in this one or the next one. Other then that thank you for the advice.

Thank you for your response. For the total number of words I would have to check. the current draft is about 90,000 words but there are parts that are being cut so probably a little less. For planning I just used a basic outline format. If the grampa is coming across as a jerk then I do need to rewrite a few things. I was aiming more for frustration at the constant desire to be a killer as well as this just not being the right time to bring it up again since there was just an emotional meeting. The title of Sir was a deliberate anachronism since Romans were not actually big on honorifics in peoples names. The closest "correct" title would probably be something like Domine or Erus but neither really works and would require some explanation for the readers to know what it means. If others see it as a major issue then I could probably just remove it entirely though.

Finally got some time to write my response. Overall an interesting continuation. The aliens seem understandable which is nice. It does seem a little odd to me for them to want the thoughts an opinions of a stowaway. When some of their questions seem like the kind of thing they could have done more research on before. I do wonder about a few things but that has more to do with my endless desire for worldbuilding minutia and therefor is not really important.

I think something happed on my end. I got the email but I did not get any attachment. Could you send it again?

This is for the second chapter of the book. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Could I post something this Monday?

Finished reading. Overall it was interesting. There is enough going on to make you want to know what will happen next. Some minor nitpicks. I did feel like there were to many mentions of D not being attractive, but since it seems tied to their character it will probably be fine. the guard noticing them as they hack the door feels a little random. Just because one second the door whooshes open then suddenly the guard sees them. Maybe if there was something that made the guard notice them it would work. If the whoosh sound was supposed to be what alerted the guard then maybe a louder sound. For me whoosh is pretty soft so it felt weird that it alerted the guard. Aside from that a good start to a story. the end especially makes me want to know what happens next.

Finished reading. It was nice to see everyone doing well at the end after everything that happened. The ending leaves things open to more stories and give a desire to know more about how those stories play out. As with most things I only have small nitpicks. For example when stating that the flowers were roses the color is never specified. Roses come in a variety of colors each symbolizing something different depending on where you are from and the situation that you received them. so know the color of the flower gives an extra depth to characterization. In addition I feel saying that they are sterile and American is a disservice to a flower with a history stretching back thousands of years to China.

This is the first main chapter for the book.

Could I post something this Monday?

Thank you for the response. I will look over what I have and take your feedback into consideration. I do see your point about the conversation between M and S. I want to keep it so I will probably rework it. Maybe instead I will use it to show the difference between how others view who M is and what he had done vs how he views it. I might modify it to have S to have more of a positive look on what happens as well as liking the empire to contrast M who does not like it and who is only doing this because of loyalty to the king he serves. I will try a few things out and if none work then maybe cut the scene.

Finished the chapter and these are my thoughts. I liked the overall tone of the chapter. it was hopeful with eyes to the future. the only things that bothered me are small nitpicks. things like wondering how they were found. the ships show up to help them within a reasonable amount of time, but space is huge so without something to justify showing up it would not be possible to find them. The other nitpick would be wondering about how Dipole works and how that would effect a planet and how that would impact life on it. these are only nitpicks though. Since I enjoy hard sci fi, I am always wondering these kinds of questions.

This is the prologue to the book which I hope sets up a bit of the world and how things work. As well as make people interested in what comes next.

Could I post something this Monday?

My guess is probably not. with that many spikes I do not think anyone could resist for more then a few moments. We see that as a Cognitive Shadow he could only resist whatever was happening to the Harald's for a short amount of time so I would think that as a human it would be to much even for him. Now saying all that I do think he would last longer then Marsh did and be able to do more but only for a limited amount of time maybe a minute or two at most.

I am glad someone asked this question. I have always wondered myself and had never thought to ask others. I like the idea for Cultivation and Autonomy and Honor that you gave. I would give my thoughts on a few. Endowment: the joy of giving rather then receiving. the blessing of being born with gifts and the joy of being able to use them. Devotion: the feeling of giving everything to a cause or person. the weight of promises given freely for what you believe in. The zeal of giving your soul for something bigger then yourself. Dominion: The feeling of being pressed down by something irresistible. the glory of knowing that your word is absolute. the fear of those in power. the joy of adding more to what you have without end.

My thoughts. I felt that K taking time to find the best thing to say to someone as they are dying was a bit much. I find that that is hard to empathize with someone died and I find that should be sad no matter the individual. the lack of care for that is a little much. Afterwards they do not give a single thought to a life ended which is traumatic in just about every circumstance. Other then that I found the others interesting and well written.

Finished reading. My thoughts. The battle was not as easy as I had thought it would be so that is good. My experience with these kinds of space battles is not great but I do have some thoughts about it. One is that moving in straight lines does not make a lot of sense in space since it is vast and 3D. Same with having a defense fleet stationed around the equator of a planet. planetary defenses are difficult to write in space stories due to the massive distances involved so keeping in mind the numbers and size of ships required for things is important. The other thing is that everything that happens in space battles takes place at massive distances so something to help sell that to readers is important. The only other thing is I am somewhat confused on the declaration that labor contracts are void and an end to indentured servitude, but that might just be because I joined the story late and it would make sense with the whole context. Otherwise it comes a little out of left field. As an aside for an interesting study on how such things happened in real life I would recommend looking into the British empires work to abolish the slave trade which is somewhat similar to this scenario.

Was I the only one that did not receive any attachment with the email? I only received the summaries.

Answering questions One: The modification felt more drug like. the way it was written brought to mind drugs and addiction instead of something positive but that might be because of using words like "crave" along with descriptions of not wanting to leave. Two: I think this part was nailed. No comments. Three: The mention of dead wife kind of threw me for a second. seems out of place. It comes across as the kind of thought for when someone is dying. other then that the determination comes across fairly well, but the way the scene is framed and how people act makes it hard for me to feel tension. the description of just one of the ships makes them sound invincible and the confidence of the protagonists make it seem like victory is guaranteed so I do not feel tension in the moment. It seems like the corporation will lose and it will not be a contest. those are my thoughts.

My thoughts. I liked the cliffhanger at the end. It is a good end to the chapter. the confluence of different perspectives helps with the scenario One thing I did not like was the mental control part, but that is more for personal reasons. When mental control comes up like what was happening here I always like seeing people subverting it by being clever. Here they just kind of brute force through it because they can not all be controlled. to me if that is the path to go then it feels like the difficulty should be expressed more in the thoughts. If that is all to vague I can try and be more specific but I am still not use to writing out my thoughts.