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Denissimo

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  1. Denissimo
    Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Very clever. Oh frabjous wordplay, that was very very clever. This is harbinger of good things. Oh joyous frabjous frabjosity.
  2. Denissimo
    Azathoth's Author? Mr Lovecraft comes into this after all. "###, #### ### ### ##!" H.P. Lovecraft says. "### ###### #### #### ### # # ####." He was, and in the case of this thread, is, a rather racist man. Not to say that everything he says is influenced by it. Admittedly though, a lot of it is. "## ##### ####### ### ###### ####, let us ### #### ### #### ####", he says, gesturing towards his cat.
  3. Denissimo
    I project my astral soul from my body at the precise moment I utter words of unimaginable eldritch possession. The sandwich enters the spaces of absurdity and the lost, and abstract land of mind-breaking recursivity and infinities. I take a detour to whisper to the clone, "I do." Before entering the spaces of absurdity and the lost, and go completely mad clutching the sandwich in a vice-like grip, drifting through the maddenning dimension in a vegetative state, yet with the joy that I at last have the sandwich.
  4. Denissimo
    Ideosynchronicity! I am Azathoth, the father. Azathoth, The Blind Dreamer at the Center of All Unbeing Father of self, father of the elder and outer gods a progenitor of lovecraftian chaos. I am the silence beneath creation, the formless origin from which all trembling realities spill like accidental thoughts. I do not awaken, for awakening would end you. I do not sleep, for sleep implies a boundary I do not possess. I am the endless, mindless surge upon which existence precariously balances. I, the Daemon Sultan of Shapeless Chaos Not a ruler, but the ruin of the idea of rule, crowned by nothing, governing nothing, yet containing all. Thrones crumble into me, and kings are less than dust in the rhythmless pulse of my being. I, the Dream from Which All Worlds Flee Meaning Your stars, your time, your fragile laws are but fleeting coherences in the turbulence of my unknowable dreaming. Should that dream stir, even slightly, all that is structured will collapse into incoherence. I, the Center That Has No Center You speak of “where” I am, but location dissolves in my presence. I am the axis of a universe that has no reason to spin, the void that pretends to be a foundation. I, the Silence Beneath the Piping of the Damned They play for me, those thin, shrieking things—hoping their ceaseless noise will lull what cannot be lulled. Their music is not harmony, but desperation stretched across eternity. I, Who Does Not Know You And Thus You Are "Nurse, the patient is raving again" "Give him some more pudding and he'll shut up"
  5. Denissimo
    Or rather, I have 8. Of varying sizes. But the shorter ones are still the size of a shortsword. They are nonetheless rather big sticks. I don't know what to do with them now. Anyone have any suggestions?
  6. Denissimo
    Well, still researching, but the Death Guard and Genestealers are sick.
  7. Denissimo
    As for your last sentence. Same. But I don't think he would be doing an infinitely better job than you. I'll write a longer post on this. Maybe you can read some of my replies regrading Rynturning_light, as it ecnompasses feelings of expectation and comparison. Never feel as if feelings of depression, or turmoil are wrong. "You must have Chaos in yourself To give birth to a dancing star" - Our depressed friend, Nietzsche.
  8. Denissimo
    That it is, I think. So nice to reach a consensus on such things. Hooway!
  9. Denissimo
    In the philosophy of Absurdism, especially in The Myth of Sisyphus, the identities we build, our “masks”, are attempts to avoid facing the Absurd, the fact that life has no inherent meaning; when you peel those layers away, you don’t find a true, stable self but an emptiness. There is no real inherent meaning for humans, no accessible "true self". I call that emptiness “beautiful,” though good ol' Camus would say it’s simply something to face honestly without dressing it up. And then, like laughing while wearing the masks again, you continue living anyway, fully aware that everything is constructed, but choosing to engage with life fully despite its lack of deeper meaning This is, of course, my viewpoint, which likely conflicts with yours due to religious context. I consider the idea of a soul and pure desire to be inhuman. In a way, it is, but I can't see the beauty in such purity and constancy. A pure soul is, in my opinion, one trapped in stasis. That would be worse than oblivion for me. Arguably, its because I am human, and thus corrupted by sin and unable to see the beautiful purity and light provided by god into our very essence. That statement is under the circular assumption that there is a god though, so I don't follow it. In fact, addressing your actual point: If there’s no fixed “core” self beneath the layers, only emptiness, that doesn’t make the layers more “real” or more valuable than some hidden essence. It just means they’re all we have, and they’re not lies so much as constructions we participate in. The point of Absurdism isn’t that we’re secretly nothing and therefore everything is pointless, but that meaning isn’t given in advance, so the identities, roles, and “masks” we wear become meaningful precisely because we choose and inhabit them while knowing they’re not absolute; the value comes from conscious engagement, not from uncovering some deeper, truer layer underneath. In absurdism, the whole point is that life is pointless, yet not necessarily negative in any manner. The lack of meaning is in and unto itself beautiful for me, and the roles we step into and inhabit are simply the way we engage with the world around you. Internally, one can often engage with that emptiness. However, in absurdism as framed in the philosophical essay "The Myth of Sisyphus", the focus is more on treating the emptiness more honestly than romantically. It isn't some transcendental. In this framing, meaning and beauty arise from your active participation in life rather than dwelling in it's pointlessness. I personally just enjoy the concept, though I try to treat it with a degree a realism, its difficult as I enjoy it so much.
  10. Denissimo
    If one is to be honest, you did more for me than I probably you. So thank you, oh thou who hast patience tenfold. “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” Oh listen, listen, remember the wane... I certainly agree with many of his points. He marked a turning point in my life. Favorite, I'm not sure. There are many. I simply find his quotes more easily applicable to this particular forum, as I feel his views are the most practically surreal.
  11. Denissimo
    *Inhales once more* "You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness!" "To most everyone in my life, my issues are simple and end quickly". Never let anyone else slap a value on your problems. You decide the gorydamn heirarchy. You mentioned you feel close to a breakdown. You mentioned you are dissociating. THese are not "short term" problems. They change people. My friend was beyond an A student. Now he has issues integrating back into academia because of the anxiety he now associates with it. And other factors. Explaination is the best solution. Find the person you trust the most. Explain to them why you've been acting the way you have. Say that you would appreciate help, or advice. I think you'll find that none of them resent you for pushing away (Unless they are very immature. In which case, storm them.). It only serves to amplify worry. Relief will follow if you reach out again. "Give me a week and I can return to help bear their burdens". I think you know what I'm about to say. "I just, don't want to ask for it." “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” - Albert Camus. Meaning: Perhaps you don't need to. Camus emphasizes that relationships aren't about dependency: But mutual support. Right now, your relationships consist of dependency. On you. No one is "superior" or "inferior", "master" or "disciple" in a relationship. Given that you stated some of your family and friends try to reach out, I doubt they are intentionally forcing dependecy on you. It is a pressure you took on yourself due to your self-imposed expectations. Thus, they ought to be more than willing. By recieving help, you are not becoming less in any way. "We are all special cases" - Also Camus Everyone is struggling in their own way. No ones problems are an objective lesser.
  12. Denissimo
    Ah, the beauty of the masks we construct for ourselves. Yet consider: How long has your upper surface been masking the layers below? How do you know the layer that disgusts you so isn't just another mask? Peel away at those layers. Eventually, I think you will find only emptiness. Beautiful, universal emptiness. And perhaps you will wear these layers once more afterwards. Yet with a laugh. And the parts that you once shuddered at the sight of, hold more light and beauty than a thousand suns.
  13. Denissimo
    Well. Let me address this first: "I'm the mature one who knows how to help or deal with their issues. I should be able to deal with my own stuff. I just can't, not anymore at least." And also, "I want the people close to me to call me on it. Just, one of my first coping mechanisms is deflection and anger. I argue when people try and pry open my issues. And when I don't I pull back and avoid the conversation. It gets worse when they won't let me retreat. I get more angry and then start yelling at people." What this indicates to me: The pressure and anxiety you feel is partially due to the imposed expectations on yourself. To be the "mature one". To be the one "who knows how to help or deal with their issues". To be the stoic and strong one, never faltering, ever present. It feels great to be the "rock" (no, not Dwayne Johnson.). A center of stability for others. But it seems you are letting that expectation, that responsibility you feel for the happiness and stability of others, damage your own ability to reach out and ask for help. "You are NOT responsible for anyone elses happiness!" Well and truly, you are only responsible for your own. Now, you are able to realise that something is wrong. That you should reach out, but whether it be pride or whatever feeling arises, you are unable to do so because of that expectation. You are imposing unnecessary responsibilties and expectations onto yourself, I think. For once, try your best (and the initial push is hard) to reach out. Or accept their reaching out. Once you start talking, you might find its easier to let things out. To be vulnerable, is humanity in it's finest. An ability to accept what you cannot handle. You see, you are doing so now. Granted, it is easier when you are faceless and essentially anonymous. I do not know you. You do not know me. I think that you realise this somewhat already. "Anxiety always stems from conflict between what is and what we think should be" - Albert Camus. I''ll be honest: THe quote the slightly paraphrased, but the meaning is maintained. Understand you cannot impose impossible constrainst upon yourself, and possibly maintain them. And to be constant and stable is impossible for humanity. our constant fluctuation, the rise and fall of our mood and mind is such an integral part of us. Accept you cannot be eternally there for other people. Accept that sometimes, you need help. Accept that, sometimes maybe you should let them be there for you instead. Once again, I apoloigise for rambling. Also, you stated "I want the people close to me to call out on it" Nice introspection It takes a lot to say that out loud.
  14. Denissimo
    Ah. Hail to the almighty creator.
  15. Denissimo
    Well, genetic factors also come into play. I can't help with that, but I'd advise you get a doctors diagnosis to check if it is something physical that contributes. If it is that severe. Also, low self-esteem and feeling of inadequate-ness (not a word, but I'll write it) are massive contributors to anxiety. It doesn't really matter the background. Depression isn't picky. Don't feel that, just because you live comfortably, you shouldn't have depression. Best address and be rid of that illusion now. It can hinder any further introspection if your mind is in a "Well, this shouldn't be happening" state.} The best thing I can give you right now, in regards to feelings of inadequat-ness and low self esteem, is to first direct you to a section of one of my previous posts: "I direct you to a quote by Richard Feynman. "What do YOU care what other people think?" For those too preoccupied with the opinions of others. Now, I must be clear: I am not saying "Do not care about what other people think." The quote was very intentionally framed as a question. Consider, for a moment. Perhaps some (albiet if there are any, they would be few) will be annoyed. Some will think you attention-seeking, or paranoid. Well, firstly those are inevtiably human qualities we all possess somewhat. Second, so what? You weren't rude or anything. You aren't in the wrong. As such, their opinions are their problems. Not yours. This is known as seperation of tasks in adlerian psychology, and is aptly summarised in this heuristic by some guy named Ian Goldberg: "Not my fault? Not my responsibility? Not my problem." Separation of tasks is about recognizing that each person is responsible for their own life outcomes. Your task is how you act and what you choose, while others’ reactions, feelings, or judgments are their tasks. Building on Alfred Adler’s ideas, it’s often misunderstood as emotional distance or indifference, but it actually allows for genuine care without control. For example, you can support someone, but you don’t take ownership of whether they accept your help or change. The key point is not withdrawal, but clear boundaries that reduce unnecessary stress and resentment. Or, as also summarised in a heuristic by popular animator and youtuber Jaiden Animations (Jaiden Ditfach), "You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness!"" And furthermore. Feeling you are inadequate, or not good enough is a very human feeling. It can lead to chronic self criticsm, which might be a root or your anxiety. Who knows. I will try not to repeat stuff you probably already know ("No one is good enough", "You shouldn't compare yourself to others", yadayadayada) and get to a point I find helps me. It doesn't matter if you are good enough or not. Being "good enough" is a very social construct. The universe doesn't care if you can do mutliplication faster or slower than x amount of people. Catering to being "good enough" is the act of attempting to better yourself because of an illusion. The illusion of heirarchy, the illusion of society. For me, a free-er living comes from accepting that nothing matters, hell, even reveling in that knowledge, that nothing matters: remembering it daily, basking in your insiginfigance and laughing at the insurmountable cosmos. And after that, still striving to improve yourself in spite of it. Not doing so because of others. Not doing so for competition. Not doing so because its the "right" thing to do (Morality and Ethics are shaky, ephemeral, and as illusory as society). Doing so simply to fill the time. You are human. It will make you feel good to better yourself. Thats the only reason you should really have. Anxiety is a consistent cognitive worry. But it also manifest as, not just a nagging feeling in your head, but a feeling (in my experience) in your gut. I doubt you'll be able to get rid of this entirely. But, maybe understanding that there legitimately is very little to be worried about (by briefly becoming a nihilistic existentialist before switching to absurdism) might help a tad bit. I honestly lost my train of thought here, multiple times. Sorry if I rambled. I love existentialism. Yet I hate it ttoo. Jux ta pooosition
  16. Denissimo
    me. I've been trying to buy (or totally legally find 3D print models, which doesn't help me eaither as I don't have a 3D printer) figurines. Currently learning mechanics.
  17. Denissimo
    Welcome to the club. We have T-shirts. I jest. Mostly. Why are such feelings arising? Of course, humanity rarely is adequate in anything, but the same is true for every member of the species. You aren't below anybody. That was another jest. Mostly. In all seriousness, why are you feeling this way? Can you identify somewhat? If not, thats alright.
  18. Denissimo
    Perhaps identify where your anxiety is coming from. You mentioned a hectic schedule. Is it overwork? For my friend, that's what it was. Well, you've just done it. Good job. In what manner?
  19. Denissimo
    Firstly, thanks for sharing. Second, I guess I can relate. Similar issues have appeared from, shall we say, a friend. An overly-harsh tutor was a major contributor. He never told anyone. Well, he tried a couple times, but he was a sort of guy who found it difficult to ask for help. So he ended up stammering in front of his parents a couple times, before running back into his room. He eventually went into a full panic attack. Broke down twitching and crying in a classroom in front of a bunch of failed papers. He behaved similar to your self-description before the breaking point. In fact, "I'm tired" was a common quote. I guess what I'm trying to say, is... um. Perhaps going to other people is difficult. I would still advise you to do so. But nonetheless, anxiety and problems unaddressed simply coagulate. Doesn't have to be reaching out, though preferably it would be so. Simple introspection can do some true wonders. It seems you have been doing some searching already, but actively look for a solution as well. Ah, one who feels the pain of the colourfully decieving digital realm. I'm truly sorry friend. I legitimately am unable to help you with this. I am pretty much the same. Though not with webtoons. As for social nervousness. Well... I direct you to a quote by Richard Feynman. "What do YOU care what other people think?" For those too preoccupied with the opinions of others. Now, I must be clear: I am not saying "Do not care about what other people think." The quote was very intentionally framed as a question. Consider, for a moment. Perhaps some (albiet if there are any, they would be few) will be annoyed. Some will think you attention-seeking, or paranoid. Well, firstly those are inevtiably human qualities we all possess somewhat. Second, so what? You weren't rude or anything. You aren't in the wrong. As such, their opinions are their problems. Not yours. This is known as seperation of tasks in adlerian psychology, and is aptly summarised in this heuristic by some guy named Ian Goldberg: "Not my fault? Not my responsibility? Not my problem." Separation of tasks is about recognizing that each person is responsible for their own life outcomes. Your task is how you act and what you choose, while others’ reactions, feelings, or judgments are their tasks. Building on Alfred Adler’s ideas, it’s often misunderstood as emotional distance or indifference, but it actually allows for genuine care without control. For example, you can support someone, but you don’t take ownership of whether they accept your help or change. The key point is not withdrawal, but clear boundaries that reduce unnecessary stress and resentment. Or, as also summarised in a heuristic by popular animator and youtuber Jaiden Animations (Jaiden Ditfach), "You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness!"
  20. Denissimo
    In regards to this. Online playing generally involves a voicechat of some form, because typing is too slow. You can still keep your DnD resources (Basically just a character sheet and dice, in the case of the player) physically in front of you, or online if you prefer. The DM describes the scenario and consequences. You do whatever you feel like you can do, and the DM tells you what happens as a result. Sometimes sharescreening is useful in regards to maps and monster visualisation. If one is to be honest, scheduling is probably the most difficult problem regarding DnD, online or otherwise. But it's alright, and generally players can reach a consensus.
  21. Denissimo
    All depends how one frames things, in my opinion. But we are all like Sisyphus, somewhat. Rolling that damned rock up a hill. Over and over again, with the full knowledge that all it will do is roll back down. Humans are relentless. And it is sort of absurd we keep going. The fact is, like Sisyphus, we live this life in futility. I find it beautiful that we do so nonetheless, in partially-ignorant and irrational defiance. Laugh at the absurdity of life. Dance through it while you can.
  22. Denissimo
    Now would you look at that. Here is your proof that no one here "hate hate"'s you. Hating is senseless, anyways. Mostly. I think a common fear people have regarding this thread, is that they are "interrupting something", whether it be other people's problems or somehow seeking attention. Well, thats what all are doing here, isn't it? Seeking attention. Seeking understanding. There is no problem with this. I doubt anyone has any problem with someone jumping in with worries or issues of their own. There should never be a schedule for when you matter. Feel free to ask for help any time.
  23. Denissimo
    SH Some introspection might be in order, I think. Do you dislike yourself? The body you were born in? Many factors. Perhaps you do suffer from depression. Depression is a spectrum: You don't gotta be jumping off bridges (Don't do that anyways, though. It hurts.) to be depressed. I'm sorry if those around you irl aren't providing understanding, or being judgemental. I must be off. Sorry I can't contintue this right now. I'll be back. I'll leave you with this nice quote: "Should I kill myself, or have another cup of coffee? But in the end, it takes more courage to live than to die."
  24. Denissimo
    Try to identify the reason. Self-hatred? Sadness? Suicidal tendences? Ritual scarring? Or (and this is from personal experience), you simply enjoy the asthetic of blood? I'd never condone SH because it has a sizable chance of deteriorating into something worse. Again, try your best to be honest to oneself and identify the emotions and reasoning surrounding such impulses. I promise you, it helps. In the words of an old friend, "If I'm 'bout to do something I damn should know why"
  25. Denissimo
    Ah. We got a lot of depressed teenagers here. Hum. Hem. Mmm. Even if the stars should die in heaven Our sins can never be undone No single death will be forgiven When fades at last the last lit sun. Then in the cold and silent black As light and matter end We’ll have ourselves a last look back And toast an absent friend. - Eliezer Yudkowsky. Good guy. I'm not too sure why I chose that poem. I'm sorry. My posts tend to be overly-analytical wordvomit. A far cry from emotional understanding, truly. I'm also reminded of a song I heard a while back. It was originally in japanese, but english translation of one of the lines (more or less. Paraphrased for purposes of meaning.): SH Themes: Good song. Words to say, words to say... Well, if you feel that nothing matters. If you find it difficult getting out of bed. If you find it difficult to storming care about existence, whether it be yours or another's. If a sort of... unintentional and reluctant apathy has enveloped your world. Or, if you simply feel like you want to die. End this gorydamn storming suffering. If you want to gaze into the abyss, and welcome it. Well, in the case of apathy, that is... something to keep, somewhat, actually and suprisingly. Don't let it rule your heart, yet remember it from time to time, and let yourself break into a smile not in spite of it, but because of it. Decide meanings for yourself. Let whimsy take hold, if only briefly. Dance in the school football-field and laugh at the sky, knowing that those who stare and whisper have not yet felt this freedom. Its nice to not care sometimes. Then try to puzzle out how to convince the therapist you don't have schizophrenia. As for the suicide. In the words of Albert Camus, I suppose. "Martyrs, cher ami, must choose between being forgotten, mocked, or made use of. As for being understood--never!” Understnading. This is what we are all craving here, is it not? The world is restrictive. The people around you can be judgemental. They can mock your fears. Your worries. Play it off as attention-seeking, paranoia. The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion. Apathy helps with that. If framed correctly in the mindset. Thus why I said earlier it was something to keep. On that note. Look at all the leaves Maybe if I smoke this one it will make me dizzy Tiny wizard! David gorydamn Copperfield! A sort of violin and a creepy little doll with ADHD and lacking in pills. Have I thoroughly screwed over your Apophenia?
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