Paul SB

Now we're at the beginning of the climax. I hope it will be an enjoyable ride. In the first entry the hex undergoes the brain modification. I hope it comes across as sufficiently strange while at the same time not completely altering the identities and personalities of the protagonists. In the second entry the security chief reveals to the president of the most powerful corporation that their biggest rival is sending a fleet to the Meritocracy's central labor production facility, which puts them in a panic. Here I'm wondering if there is enough information for the reader to understand why they are so freaked out. In the third entry, the president of that rival corporation leads his fleet personally when the D-and come into the system. He attempts to threaten them unsuccessfully and ends by ordering his ships to engage the enemy. Does the threat exchange go on long enough, or is the determination on both sides solid enough that there is no need for more grandstanding and Spiderman-level one-liners?

Many thanks. Still anxiously awaiting your submission.

11/24 Pick me! Picl me!

Dark moment but with a level of tenderness. What Worked: Chapter 27 “It all points to one truth.” — Nice plot twist, and nicely built up, though I think you could add more sensory detail, like feeling that she has to squint in the sunlight, feeling cold but without goosebumps. “So I’ll be with you until the end,” he says. “And we’ll get out of this together.” — Definitely a real love at first bite thing for L. Silly teenagers. “Then his transformation begins.” — Nice cliffhanger Chapter 28 “That I care about Brennan as much as other people love their romantic partners, and that our activities still feel more like spending time with a best friend I want to live with forever instead of a date with a boyfriend.” — Not being Ace myself, I can’t speak with authority here, but this sounds to me like a good explanation of a feeling that is subtly different from what we all learn from Disney movies. “So if Brennan and I fail this ritual, we’re all out of options.” — Nice way to raise the stakes. A vest that glows is certainly unique. What color is the glow? “I want to tell him that I love him too, but it’s too cruel for me to say before I turn him. So instead, I drive my fangs into his head.” — Bram Stoker immortal beloved ending, but much more emotionally complex. I’m presuming that the story isn’t quite over yet, though. Some people would find this really sappy, while others would swoon. You’ll need cover art that would attract the latter and repel the former. Not So Much: Chapter 27 “But the strangest part is that I feel sharper and more alert, with the grasses swaying in the wind and lone gnarled shrubs clinging to life both popping out beneath the blue sky in a way that feels like I’m waking from a meditation.” — This is kind of a long sentence. “I spent years of tirades on Guang for his treatment of Brennan, but I had nothing for a parent I knew was persecuting some of the most vulnerable people in the country with no oversight.” — Somehow the idea that vampires and werewolves are the most vulnerable people in the country feels more than a little bit off. Chapter 28 “Like she was being puppetted by someone who didn’t even allow her to look horrified.” — I’m pretty sure that puppetted isn’t a word, but something like, “someone was pulling her strings” would work, or “like a puppet on a string.” “… it requires a human and someone with fey ancestry who love each other to do the ritual …” — Okay, now that’s a stretch. Way too coincidental to be believed. It might come across better if that specific combination fulfills the conditions but isn’t the only option. Dude appear stark naked in front of her and she has no visceral reaction at all? Adolescents in love tend to sigh a lot and stare at nothing, starry-eyed. There probably isn’t a great place for that in this chapter, but a little of that earlier on would make J’s blind devotion more believable. Be careful, though. It would be easy to overdo it.

Thanks for taking a look. This late in the game you don't have the context of previous chapters where the protagonists interacted with this particular species. I probably asked the wrong question for this chapter anyway, since those who have been reading it have seen these guys (okay, not really guys, as their species have no genitalia) already. If you are interested in reading this thing from the beginning I could send you the files. The complete manuscript is around 92 kilowords. The first draft included a few chapters from their perspective, but the first draft was 250 kilowords, which dooms it for publication, so I had to do some major slashing. Others have assured me that there are usually a lot more people participating here, though the entire time I've been here there's been only one person critiquing me, and until very recently I was the only one critiquing him back. So the more the merrier.

We're almost to the climax. Our heroes spend this portion in the company of aliens, and I'm mostly interested how people perceive the aliens. Do they feel real, thought-out, or even plausible? Are their any aspects of their biology and/or culture that you would like to see more of?

Just keep writing, just keep writing, writing writing (says the blue fish)

Another Monday cometh. We good for 11/16?

I like the idea of a prologue that is less than a page. Lots of people skip prologues altogether, but one this short won’t scare anyone away. Normally I would say something about the almost complete absence of description, but for this the solid dialogue works. There honestly isn’t much I would change. It’s an intriguing little setup. In the first line your protagonist says “want to” but then says “wanna” consistently after that. At that age you wouldn’t expect consistency, though. Do fix the spelling of indignantly. If she just said she doesn’t want to go to bed, suggesting a nap isn’t the best choice. Maybe he should offer to read a story first, or go outside and look at the moon and stars? “You make others’ mothers die” — Capitalization, but also “others’ mothers” sounds cool but not like a 5-year old. Other people’s mothers sounds better. Dark red hair, as in auburn? It’s been a long time since my kids were 5, but I don’t remember them talking about what they want to be when they grow up at that age, and I suspect Piaget would agree. Make it 7 and it will seem more real. Proofread! — You have a ton of misplaced punctuation.

What Worked Chapter 25: “So we stay on the floor and stare at each other the same way we did in our beds as little children who didn’t want to go to sleep.” — This really puts the sting in the situation for J. “Because all of this time, I’ve been speaking to a cog in the machine.” — And this makes it generalizable. No matter what the machine is (a government, an industry, a church) a cog is still just a cog. “My mom loves me, and it doesn’t mean a damn thing.” — Ditto here, like the Nazi prison guards who were “only following orders” doing evil things, the corporate employees who put poison in the food supply because the executives wanted to save money using cheap but toxic ingredients, ICE thugs brutalizing innocent people because they believe the lies about them all being violent criminals, even the babies and toddlers. The example abound. Chapter 26: “I’m worried that they’ll take me in as a suspect before reminding myself that some humans work to heal instead of persecuting and killing. My people need to see that.” — Great case for not letting fear become paranoid delusion. Another timely theme with all these people pretending that the Cold War never ended. “I can tell the temperature isn’t lower than normal, but without Kay it feels like this world has gotten colder.” — Some people would see this as sappy, but I know enough about the neurochemistry of romantic attachment that this is real. “And there’s no way to reverse what she did to Kay.” — Oh my, now that’s quite the plot twist! Of course making K into a vampire makes her more compatible with J, even though he’s a werewolf, since they are now both supernatural and K won’t be able to go back to her old life. Not so Much Chapter 25: “…next to the sound…” Huh? Try something like: “… I hear the stake clatter to the floor about where the thump of G’s falling body came from.” “Still wrestling A for the gun, I reach over and snatch it up off the ground. I hold it up to A’s arm, which finally gets him to let go of the gun as he recoils back.” How does A pick up the gun off the ground if A is already holding it? Here’s another sentence that just doesn’t make sense. Try reading what you wrote out loud. That sometimes helps you hear what’s wrong with what made sense when you were only thinking it. “That’s exactly why I can’t keep running and locking myself away. It’s time to do whatever it takes for my community to survive.” — If this is intended to be a werewolf coming-of-age tale, this is exactly the kind of statement everyone would expect. But there’s a problem with the words “whatever it takes.” That Machiavellian attitude is exactly what makes people into monsters. Maybe it’s your intention to make J into an anti-hero, and this is going to end as a fall arc. If so, this is a good setup for it. If not, then you have a bit of an issue here. “Stop.” Her voice is iron. “Stay quiet and we’ll never speak of this again.” — If K’s mother this dumb and overconfident? Playing the authoritarian parent role is obviously going to backfire, especially when she pretty much abandoned K for most of her childhood. If she were smart she would either try to smooth-talk K or go for the sympathy ploy. Chapter 26: “… and together we sweep them into an empty cremation urn.” — There just happens to be an empty cremation urn lying around? Maybe if they were in a crematorium, but this is people’s homes. An empty coffee can would make more sense, with the promise to get an urn later.

You're better at this than I am. That and it really helps to have more eyes on it. I like a lot of the ideas you came up with here. Your comment that the protagonists don't have enough agency, for one. In real life most people don't have much agency, but in fiction people want their heroes. In most cases it doesn't take a lot to address your concerns. A brief conversation at the beginning where R suggests that the Ds might need more exposure to humans and suggests asking to board M took care of that. That and some mention of the Ds being a little wary of V because of its relationship with humans. The thing about Too acting too normal is a good reminder. Book 2 begins with her having a major meltdown and they spend much of the episode trying to bring her back out of it. Adding more abnormal behavior here will help set up the scenario for Book 2. I also had V explain more of what the rest of the Ds discussed, since humans can't hear their telecommunication. Thanks again

Hello again. I hope you're enjoying the ride. A writer suggested that I try using epigraphs at the beginning of each chapter, so I'm giving it a try. They are quotes, either from real people or from books that would exist in the universe of the story. Some are from the humans' holy book, which should give readers some insight into the society. Most of those are toward the beginning, though, and I'm not finished adding them in. Let me know what you think.

I guess. It's another Monday, but I haven't had even one critique this whole week ...

What Worked: Chapter 23 The very odd, and callous, behavior of the mom makes for an interesting puzzle. “Leave it to the man who killed his father to bury his son as well.” — This guy has a seriously heavy burden of guilt. Chapter 24 “My mom trusts me. I can do this.” — these short sentences work very well here. “She had that attachment to strengthen the scanner ready in her pocket. That doesn’t seem like the preparation of someone who plans to send it to the trash compactor.” — Great observation for a bright adolescent to make. “I know what you are.” I turn towards her. “So I had to save her from you.” — Now that adds quite the twist! Not So Much: Chapter 23 “… she has me lather on garlic.” — I feel like we need to see this. Is she rubbing garlic powder all over herself, or much more wet and pungent granulated garlic? Is the mother squeezing cloves in a garlic press? “… she explains that the Aegis has magical wards …” — Cryptids are one thing, but magic has never come up before. This sounds like the kind of thing an adult might make up when talking to a little kid, and no doubt that is exactly what K would think about that. Chapter 24 “Even as I attack, I expect D’s catlike reflexes to twist her out of the way. But her focus on my mother is even more single-minded than I expect, and while she does notice me and begin moving eventually it’s too late.” — The general consensus is that when you are describing an action scene, write short sentences. The shorter sentences make the thoughts seem to come faster, more staccato, making it a more exciting experience for the reader. “J lets out a deep roar and lunges for A. His finger goes to the trigger in panic, …” — The problem here is that “His” refers to A, but it looks like it refers to J. If you cut out “for A” then replace “His” with “A” the sentences will be more clear. Yet again in the fight with Aiguo, your sentences are too long. It isn’t exactly clear if the silver bullet is going to kill G or if he’ll recover later, presuming J & W stop A.

Thanks to everyone who is taking the time to read my scribbles. The first entry here may not be strictly necessary to the plot, but it does a lot to explain the very important decision in the next entry and to flesh out one of my alien species. Not a lot of action, but I hope people will find it fascinating. Twilight’s Rift Summaries by Entry Entry 01.01 - Introduces two slaves who live on a luxury cruise liner and are trying to escape by meeting someone who claims to be with the local equivalent of the Underground Railroad. The person turns out to be a creep who is trying to exchange a way to remove the cyanide capsules in their necks for sex. Fortunately the ship's priest shows up before the protagonist flattens him with a stool over the head. Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-001 - Meanwhile, at the HQ of the biggest corporation in the galaxy, the Security Chief meets with the President and the company telepath to discuss a plan to use a stolen alien artifact to bait spies from rival corporations by putting it on a cruise ship. Entry 01.02 - This is a Save the Cat moment for a character met in the first entry, where she consoles a young kid crying in the night. Supplemental Entry 015BBB3//-000 - A mercenary company who have an advanced spaceship sneak onto the cruise ship to steal the alien artifact and are massacred by the company telepath. Entry 01.03 - One of the six bunkmates who is mute and in some sort of cataleptic state (similar to what psychologists call “stiff man syndrome,” like in the Robin Williams movie “Awakenings”) inexplicably wanders down to the lowest deck of the ship. The others follow her and find a strange alien spaceship jutting through the hull of their ship. Entry 01.04 - The mute character attaches herself to a column on the bridge of the alien spaceship, while the rest spend a little time exploring. The ship’s computer informs them that the previous crew are dead and they are now the crew of a ship that has some advanced technology. Entry 01.05 - The escapees (except T) fly a shuttle down to a middle-of-nowhere planet to try out the night life, and immediately split up in spite of A’s insistence that they stay together. A asks R to tag along with P to keep her out of trouble. Entry 01.06 - ME heads straight for the nearest church, and in spite of her own doubts, betrays them. Entry 01.07 - I is sent to keep P out of trouble, but when P slips off to a private room with some random man, R sneaks away, mumbling to herself about not wanting anyone to know the truth about her. Entry 01.08 - ME leaves the church with her mind spinning, looking for the others. She finds P on the dance floor, but someone shoots at them. In the chaos T is stunned and has to be carried out by ME, A, and P. ME swears she didn’t turn them in, though it’s doubtful anyone believes her. With help from the computer on their new ship they find that R has been captured by a labor reseller company. Entry 01.09 - A refuses to leave R behind, so she and T bust her out of her holding cell. Delirious after a brutal interrogation, R confesses the homosexual desire she has hidden for years, which baffles A but doesn’t convince her to leave R behind. Entry 01.10 - This is mostly a flashback, where an unconscious R revisits the moment when she was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 16. On waking she is tended by the frivolous P, who tells her that her secret is out, though it was T, not A, who spilled it. Supplemental Entry 014BFF1//-002 - This entry introduces a major antagonist, who paid the mercenary whose ship the protagonists have stolen to get the alien artifact. As president of the second most powerful corporation in the Meritocracy, he is quite ruthless, as is his second-hand man, who heads R & D and designs biological weapons. Entry 01.11 - A reveals that the former owner of their ship had a very ambitious plan to wipe out the only planet in the Meritocracy that is devoted entirely to labor production (making, training, then selling slaves), which he intended to fund by stealing and selling a mysterious alien artifact that was traveling on the ship they just escaped from. They decide to go after the artifact themselves, but intend to use the money to rescue slaves instead of killing them. Entry 01.12 - Four of the protagonists sneak back onto their former workplace (the cruise ship) disguised as maids. Shortly after they arrive, an alien vessel belonging to the species the artifact was stolen from shoot down the engines of the cruise ship and drop off a boarding party. Our heroes run into this boarding party and are so scared by the aliens they run back to their own ship and pull out. Entry 01.13 - While hiding in a ring they realize that their ship can temporarily phase shift with the universe, making it briefly impervious to attack. ME still holds out against R, clinging to the dogma that has been her whole life. Entry 01.14 - A visits R in her room to find her suicidal and talks her down without going so far as to completely accept her. A is unsure and wallows in her own sense of guilt. She gets R off topic by involving her in planning their next move. Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-024 - Planning session with the antagonists. F decides to make no effort to save the population on a factory world that M&M hit with an engineered plague, and devote more resources to the Black Op involving the alien artifact, and striking back at Veblen Insurance. Entry ??? - This is one I edited out, but might put back in. It belongs between Entries 12 and 13. After nearly losing their bladder contents when they ran into the alien original owners of the artifact they were trying to steal, A loses her temper, and with a little bit of teasing from P, freaks out and tries to drown her. Entry 01.15 - Our intrepid crew go to an out-of-the-way mining colony where they meet a friend of the ship’s original owner, hoping to convince the guy to help them. Since he is a leader in the Underground, and very rich, their goals coincide and he provides them with money to hire a group of professional thieves he knows. Entry 01.17 - A & R return from meeting JR with money to help them accomplish their goal. R searches out To (the mute character) and informs her that JR has doctors who might be able to help her. She suggests that To should go with JR while the rest of them carry on, but To doesn’t respond. T shows up and apologizes for previous misdemeanors (including punching R in the face). Entry 01.18 - A & T meet a trio of thieves that JR recommended they hire to help them steal the alien artifact they hope will fund their daring plan. One of them guns down a pair of slave hunters who go after A & T. Entry 01.19 - After the new hires are brought aboard, R, P, and ME go down to Keekarok to meet a representative of President M, who promised to pay B for the snag. The rep has a hologram projector/interstellar communicator so his boss can speak to B directly. R tells him that B is dead and they are taking over his contract. Supplemental Entry 014BFF1//-004 - President M, the only CEO who has psionic abilities, has a prophetic dream that horrifies him. He interprets the dream to mean that all humanity was going to be destroyed by aliens, but since Truth Dreams can act as warnings he decides that he has to do something to save humanity from extinction. Entry 01.20 - While getting ready to return to the mission, A has a heart to heart talk with ME, the only one who is still really bothered by the fact that R is gay, and confirms R’s suspicion that ME was molested by a priest. Entry 01.21 - A brings a gift to R and is quite charmed by her. She asks R about a gift for Too. R replies that she might not respond at all, but they should give it a try. Entry 01.22 - A & R bring Too to the galley and Too starts to cook without prompting. They don’t know for sure if that’s a good thing, but they focus on each other to the point that A finally gives into her feelings, kisses R, and carries her off to her bedroom. Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-027 - Security Chief R reports to President F that the cruise ship was attacked, the telepath M was seriously injured, and nearly all his guards were killed. They are now ground on a planet called El Megiddo. President F orders Security Chief R to go personally with reinforcements. Entry 01.23 - P discusses R with A, then go to a planning session for their attempt to steal the Gnosis Crystal. Entry 01.24 - They sneak onto their old cruise ship in an attempt to steal the crystal, only to find that the ship was attacked a few days earlier, and the people who have it were dropped off on El Megiddo for medical treatment. Entry 01.25 — They reach El Megiddo, cook up a plan, print new weapons and armor, and P is sent to seduce the cellist’s servant so she can get into their hotel room and drop off her little robot. Entry 01.26 — A, R, T, & ME arrive at the hotel disguised as nuns to act as backup in case the robot fails to snag the crystal. The psion wakes up and fries the brains of their assassin, then A, while T guns him down. Entry 01.27 — They try to get A out of the hotel room when a killer robot smashes through the window and chases them to the balcony. ME is nearly thrown to her death but saved by R, who calls down their ship to pick them up. T blows up the robot, but the alien mercenaries on the roof shoot down at them and lower ropes. The ship arrives and whisks them away from danger, with their objective in hand. Entry 01.28 — R lays beside A as she soaks in healing fluid, holding her hand. ME realizes after R saved her life that she has been a truly terrible friend and decides to put aside her holier-than-thou attitude, apologize to R, and be with her while she waits to see if A will survive. Entry 01.29 — A becomes conscious in a healing bath on their ship, but does not actually wake up. Instead a voice that sounds like her long-dead mothers tells her that it is healing her, along with M and Too. It speaks to her in strange, alien ways, referring to her feet as hooves, for instance, but makes her feel so relaxed and loved that she completely trusts the voice in her mind. Entry 01.30 — Our intrepid heroes discover that the Gnosis Crystal they have been chasing is not a device, it’s an actual person. It’s a sort of nursemaid who’s job is to teach Telmari children as they grow from larval to adult form. R immediately concludes that they cannot sell a person and no one disagrees, so it looks like A’s plan is dead in the water. On the plus side, though, the Nursemaid is healing the damage done to A’s and M’s brains. Entry 01.31 — While R recovers from her own minor injury, the ship uses the Gnosis Crystal to speak with her telepathically. The ship isn’t just a ship, it’s living technology, and it wants to go home to its people, who live in the empty space between the arms and the core of the galaxy. They call their home Twilight’s Rift. Entry 01.32 — R fills in the rest of the crew about V and they agree to go to Twilight’s Rift once they have returned the crystal to its people. Entry 01.33 — A Telmari ship approaches and R asks V to dock with it. Two of the aliens come aboard and R convinces them to allow the crystal to finish healing A and M before taking it home. Entry 01.34 — A is told by the mysterious voice that it mistook her for one of its own larvae, so it has to stop teaching her how to grow up to be a telmari. A loses contact, gets out of the healing bath, and meets their alien visitors who have come to bring the nursemaid home. She realizes that her plan to free labor are not going to happen, but asks the aliens if they would be willing to harbor escaped labor in their territory. The captain of the ship can’t promise that, but agrees to discuss it when they get home and meet her later to let her know if they agree to do it. Entry 01.35 — This is the nadir of the story, where A pretty much gives up on her goal. Having set the nursemaid free to return to its people, the group decides to set V free and join it as it returns to its people. V also reveals that their mute fellow, Too, is a natural telepath, leaving them to speculate that her catatonic condition could have been caused by experiencing some severe trauma at an early age. I’m afraid the numbers have gotten mixed up here because I deleted some earlier chapters. Entry 01.31 — A quiet chapter, mostly contemplation as they reach V’s home. Entry 01.32 — The Darmeland arrive, and part of their celebration involves mating, which is telepathically transmitted to the passengers. Entry 01.33 — The extreme warmth of a thousand satisfied minds awakens Too from her life-long catatonia. Bon Apetít!

Another Monday is coming. Are wee go for 11/03/2025?

What Worked: Chapter 21 “I want him to put it into words so it’s a binding fey promise, but that’s not fair for me to insist. The agreement of a friend is already more than I deserve.” Interesting mix of social wisdom and self-deprecation. It shows the character’s complexity in a way that makes her feel real, especially after the very selfless favor she asked. “I don’t regret a moment of happiness that came with my plans for resistance, but giving up can feel just as good. I’ll spend the rest of my life in these tunnels, and I’ll enjoy it.” — No, he won’t, but he has to tell himself that. Chapter 22 “So why does this feel wrong in a way that it never did with him?” — Good question, and it’s good that K is not completely trusting her mother. “My parents never taught me meditation, so trying it here makes me feel like a white person reading about mindfulness from online slop articles and banking on it being a miracle cure.” — This is both funny and thoughtful at the same time. Not So Much: Chapter 21 “… I haven’t quite accepted the fact that he won’t be in my life anymore.” I think she needs to think a bit more here, given how little time she’s known him and how little she actually knows about him. Yes, she’s an adolescent, but she’s a smart one. “But right now, Daxia is the threat. I’ll use a flawed system to stabilize the situation for now, and then look for long-term solutions” This is one of those cases where if she said what she was thinking she could reduce a whole lot of friction. I feel like we could use a bit more background on Niall, as well as some physical description. Maybe while she is thinking about how much fun he is to be around she might think about his smile, or how his face suits his demeanor. If a human can have Fey ancestry, doesn’t that make them a subspecies of human? It seems like that might cross K’s mind. “You have a life in the city. Go back to it.” — This sounds awfully cold for such a good friend … Chapter 22 “Haohao.” — You should probably explain what the name means. “But what’s the point? If I can finally make someone happy by dying, then …” — While the turn with A is a twist, J’s quasi-suicidal reaction sounds implausible. 80% of suicides take place during a panic attack, and the great majority of the remaining 20% during a depressive episode. Rationalized suicide is extremely rare, and even then, the survival instinct is very hard to override without physical signs of the struggle that takes place at an unconscious level. If J is supposed to be bravely accepting his fate, he needs to show that struggle. Otherwise, he needs to show signs of going into a downward spiral of anxiety and depression.

I'm on lunch break, so I don't have much time, but I'll be back after work. I really like your idea about them heading off to Twilight's Rift with the intention of recruiting the D. I can totally see A coming up with that as a straw to grasp after having to give up on the plan. Or R coming up with it and presenting it to A to lift her spirits a little. RE: Too's condition was the result of an Adverse Childhood Event (current terminology in psychology) that was magnified enormously by having telepathy. It kind of makes sense that bringing her out of it would require telepathy. On a different matter, though, you suggested last time that there needs to be some kind of foreshadowing, so I went back to the entry where R wakes up after recovering from interrogation. I think it helps, but I'd like to know if you think I should do more. When I asked Pooka for something to drink, she told me she had just the thing and skipped out of my cabin. I decided I should try getting out of bed, though I was sure everything would still hurt if I moved. Luckily it was only my feelings that hurt. That was when I saw that Toona was there, standing next to the other bed, facing me. Her head was inclined at a more normal angle than usual, like she was actually trying to look in front of her. For a moment I dared to hope it was a sign she was recovering, so I walked up to her and looked into her lifeless eyes. The next thing that happened was so strange and unexpected I nearly jumped. Her arms moved up and wrapped around me. It was like she wanted a hug, or wanted to give me one. I kind of hugged her back, though I was so stunned I don’t think I did it well. We were like that when Pooka came back, and she was so surprised she dropped the cans she was holding. “Whoa, what the hell? Never seen her do that before!” End of Entry

Did you see Neil DeGrasse Tyson's reboot of Cosmos a few years back? In the first episode he talked about the Church burning someone at the stake for defying the Ptolemaic model of the Solar System. He mentioned that the Pope handed him off to the Mayor of Rome to actually do the execution. What he didn't say is that the Mayor of Rome was a cousin of the Pope. It's a really old pattern, and it's still happening today.

You know that collaboration between government and evil corporate scum is a key feature of fascism…

The next step in our heroes' adventure. Things get a little weird this time. So far this epic has been pretty much rated PG, but when a telepathic species mates, things happen. I don't do graphic sex scenes, but there are consequences need to be dealt with. I hope it intrigues rather than freaks people out.

Evil corporate scum bags?

Bummer, dude ...

Last Monday of the month, 10/27/25. We good? Is anybody going to participate?

I think you managed to show how the two protagonists have different beliefs based on their different backgrounds, making both of them fully understandable. It's one of those thought-stopping clichés that says all people have to do is talk to each other to solve their problems. Talking won't go anywhere if they don't first start to critically examine the assumptions that lead to their conclusions. What worked: Chapter 19 “A mundane life with mundane classes, where each second takes twice as long as it should to tick.” — Only twice as long? “It’s the sort of nonthreatening male beauty of a flower ready to be plucked, of a sunset turning the sky into something soft and quiet.” — Very interesting analogies. “I want what we have to be real, but when he speaks it into existence like that I realize how fragile we are.” — Quite perspicacious for her age. Is she a bookworm? Depending on her reading habits, that could explain a little about how she thinks. It might be worth bringing up or having another character draw attention to it. Chapter 20 “… to witness the aesthetic of danger …” Interesting turn of phrase. “When I speak of life and death, she gets confused why I can’t get along with our overlords so long as they look like me.” — I’m not sure about this, but it kind of sounds like a metaphor for trans people, which would make this timely and relevant, which to my mind is much more interesting than simple escapist fantasy. “… making sure that she knows her place …” — Comparing the thoughts of these two protagonists really brings out the differences in mentality between people who have known oppression for generations and people who have been more or less normalized into society. A thinking reader will enjoy this stuff. Great rhetorical question at the end. What didn’t: Chapter 19 It just occurred to me that if you capitalize the X in D’s name, non-Mandarin speakers would probably pronounce it better. “I want to be that anchor to stabilize him when he doesn’t have the energy to do it himself,…” — This is so clearly a statement of the obsessive/compulsion called love that anyone will recognize it, but it can really benefit from a little more show, a little less tell. Describe her breathing, her pulse, how the temperature and color of her skin changes. Have you checked out “The Emotion Thesaurus”? That could help a lot. It’s worth every penny. “You’re pretty in a way that could pass for natural, but…” — I’m not certain if this is meant to imply the N is trans. If so, it might need clarification. Or is it about passing for human? “He’s including me not because I’m needed, but because we’re a team.” — The matchmaking seems pretty predictable, and given that K is gay but J is male, some people might find this offensive, like a throwback to some old morality play. Is this your intention? Chapter 20 “… the ashes would have scattered in the wind at this point.” — Unless this is an especially windy location (unlikely with the trees to break up the wind), it doesn’t seem like enough time has passed to to completely scatter the ashes of a full-sized corpse. J’s argument about Aegis is pretty weak. All he really said is that they are so afraid that they did horrible things to avoid being found by Aegis, not that Aegis itself did anything horrible. I can see why J wouldn’t see the weakness of his argument, since he grew up in their shadow and only hearing one side. Still, it should be fairly obvious.