MirkerLurker

So if anybody's up late tonight for no particular reason, there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Check Nasa's website for time of visibility. But it lasts approximately six hours, so take a peek while you're awake anyway!

Yes! Precisely! Pie is safe to be extreme about, because pie doesn't actually matter. I tend to have big emotions and want to throw my whole self headfirst into things. That can result in me bulldozing through sensitive issues or accidentally silencing someone on something that matters. So I'm careful to look for places that I can let out that "EVERYTHING OR NOTHING" energy that are safe for it; places/subjects where no one will get hurt. If I'm away over the top extreme about pie, the worst that happens is people think I'm weird. That's fine lol. They're gonna think that anyway. Therefore, PIEEEE! Woo! Good job! Oh nice! You've got this. They're offering the test because they think you're ready. And they're preparing you beforehand. You'll do great. I dunno if I have any good advice, other than with friend issues - just a reminder that rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing that neurospicy peeps are prone to. Your brain is probably attempting to give you the worst possible interpretations. Also, it's ok to bring up to your friends that you feel left out. Or, if that's too nerve-wracking, schedule some time with all three of you deliberately, so you get more hang out time. Oh dang! Glad you got that taken care of and caught it in time. Rest well.

I mean, we're all crazy here. But we're all crazy TOGETHER! ...Which makes it normal! So none of us are crazy, because together we're normal, because normal is just a social construct anyway! And yes I love the raccoon lol. He's so helpful.

OHMYGOSH THEY'RE SO CUTE. I mean handsome. Handsome little fellows. Tommy has such a sweet face. *hug* Welcome, and thank you for sharing all that. I'm glad you're still here. Absolutely journey before destination. The most important step is the next one. Always the next step. Yeah, these books are loaded with so much emotional processing. Grief, trauma, etc. They're such good resources. Yes!! Telling myself that I can do it later works for me too. Or it did when I needed to use it - it's been a while since I really struggled with it, and I'm really glad for that. For me it was taking a mindset of "It's not that I won't do it or it's not allowed, it's that I'll do it later. I can do it when I need to, the option is still there, I'll just do it later" worked for me. Trying to stop completely, cold turkey, added more stress and actually made the urges stronger; but letting it be ok to do it if I needed to, but pushing off until "later" - each time it was later, I'd go and pick up the knife and hold it for a minute and go "no, I don't really need it yet. I can do it later" and then later later I'd do the same thing, and repeat. It worked. And the urges got softer, and it got easier each time to put it down, and then to not reach for it in the first place. And they still kick back in every now and then; yeah, progress isn't straightfoward. But it's so much easier now to work through. Just to reinforce what reisleK and others said already: Yeah, sometimes during the healing journey the urges will get stronger. That's normal. It sucks, and I wish it were a more clear linear healing path, but it never is. So don't get discouraged by that - it doesn't mean you're going backwards or losing the fight. It means you're winning. Often, as you go through certain points in healing, you get attacked by worse urges, trying to undermine you. But you can make it through those. You've done it before and you can do it again. You've got this. Ahhhhh yes. Those moments. *climbs into cave with you* *brings books and blankets and pillows* *quietly starts reading book and offering no judgement, just sitting in cave with you* Don't worry about checking all the notifications. What's important is that you're here, that you stay. Thank you. That sounds really rough, and I'm glad you're still here. *hugs* *hug* Yeah. Numb. Somehow hurting still. But distantly. This isn't a helpful comment, really. Just sharing my own remembrance of numbness. When my kids were younger and I wasn't doing as well mental health-wise, I taught my kids to drive toy cars on me, up and down my arms and legs and such, so that they could still "play" with me when I was numb, lying on the floor unmoving. So that they knew they could still come to mom, even when I wasn't "there". Lying there, wishing I cared about something, wishing I had any hope that I could still enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I wasn't even "alone" - and yet I was. Trapped in my own head. Muffled, empty; nothing there, and yet somehow nothing still hurts; but distantly, like it's someone else that's hurting; like I'm not me anymore. I'm not anything. I'm sorry you feel that sometimes. It gets warmer. You will feel again. It passes. *hug* This whole back-and-forth was just a joy to read. But I particularly enjoyed the specifics Hey Taking a nap IS doing something about it. It's giving your brain a break. That's useful. Remember the raccoon! I FORGOT ABOUT PI DAY I NEED TO PLAN *frantically starts planning pies* Also to all you people saying you don't like pie. What KIND of pie??? There's fruit pie, pudding pie, chiffon pie, squash pie, boston cream pie, ice cream pie, ganache pie, spiked pie, chicken pot pie, shepherd's pie, ham and mushroom pie, sausage and gravy pie, potato pie, vegetable pie, cookie pie, pizza pie...SO MANY PIES Most of you were probably thinking specifically of dessert pies. Even among those though, there's a large variety of textures and flavors for the sensory-sensitive among us. If pie looks too heavy, try a chiffon pie. If pie looks too sweet, try a bittersweet flavor or a low-sugar pie. If pie looks too smushy or goopy, try a ganache pie. But also, you cannot forget the gift to the world that is meat pie. I WILL CONVERT YOU ALL TO PIE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! Woo! Congratulations! I hope that goes well for your family. *hug*

oh my gosh, is that an actual parody, please tell me someone has made that into an actual parody song

bahaha oh man, trying to do just dance together over zoom would be hilarious. Imagine the lag. Someone else in one of the houses loads up a video or something and the call glitches briefly and all the sync goes out the window.

Lol No beans. Noted. *scribbles on notepad* Glad you get protein! Sadly, then maybe that's not as helpful as I was hoping. Yeah, a proper medical professional will be better - if you can get your mom to take you to a doctor, that would be great. Or a nutritionist maybe. I would offer to come and play with you, but, uh...well, the offer is there in spirit! T-T alas, the problems of online friends.

Haha yep, so many responses. Sensory issues with protein powder - yep, that's tough. Sensory issues can be difficult to work around. Maybe some other protein form is better - there's some recipes for brownies and things that use mashed beans instead of flour, which would boost protein...personally that sounds terrible to me, but if it works for you, go for it. Regardless, I would encourage you to keep finding ways to get protein and sugar together. Sugar is the quick energy, processed fast; protein is the longer-term energy, processed slowly. Downing them at the same time gives you that immediate boost from the sugar, but then when that wears out, the protein has finished digesting and is now available for your body to use and keep going. YES JUST DANCE IS FUN! I don't have the game system for it, but I had so much fun when I played it at a friend's house. It and DDR are totally good exercise, and I will die on that hill. And while I am trying not to abuse the "I'm injured" card too much..."Oh, I can't take out the trash, I'm injured..." def got said today. lol

Well. It's been a bit, and a lot's gone down in here. I'm gonna ramble a bit about why I haven't been on, and then address everything else. The reason I haven't been on is because I fell in my martial arts class and severely sprained my ankle. That's messed up all my usual routines. Everything takes longer, so most of my free time has gone into getting the basic things done that need to get done, because it takes so long to move around But you know what? Usually, with an injury, you'd think I'd be in pain, right? Well, I went to urgent care, and they gave me this boot cast thing to wear (remove it at night - not a typical cast, it's not broken). And it's MAGIC, I tell you. As long as I have it on, my ankle doesn't hurt. I'm not walking on it (gots mahself a sweet pair of crutches, complete with waterbottle holder and little pocket for carrying small things), but I can bump it, lean on it a bit, thwack it with a crutch by accident, and it doesn't. Hurt. MAGIC, I say. Which means I have the luxury of feeling inconvenienced. Which sounds weird. But usually, I'd be hurting, and too wrapped up in the pain and trying to avoid it to pay attention to the rest of the world. Instead, I'm free enough of pain that I'm able to notice the inconveniences - taking longer to get around, having trouble carrying things, getting in other people's way. And instead of that bothering me, it's reminding me of how glad I am that it doesn't hurt. So I am deliberately keeping that mindset. Yeah, I've gotten sore over this past week, as my shoulders aren't used to carrying me around as much. Yeah, I'm slow. Yeah, I'm not getting as much done. And you know what? I'm awake and alert and pain-free enough to notice it. And that's good. It's taking a weird positive spin on the little negative things. What's that, brain? You want me to be irritated and grumpy? NO. Take that! Hi-Yah! I will say though, that it's also engaging to have something majorly different happen. It breaks up the usual routines, which my autism side hates but my need for variety and interest loves. It's an interesting challenge figuring out how to do various tasks. Also, it's nice to have an injury that's visible, instead of invisible. When you walk around in a cast with crutches, everyone is encouraging, no matter how poorly you're doing at getting something done or how slowly you're going. Sometimes I'm glad mental stuff isn't visible. Other times, I wish it was. So this is a nice change of pace. Alright, responding to people! Fun/positive stuff first, then more serious stuff. Yessss! Innuendo is my immediate sense of humor. Which is a problem when I'm an adult trying to lead and set an example for a group of teenagers in a public setting. (I volunteer with the youth group at my church. It's a ton of fun. But oh man, the number of comments I have to not make...) YES. BLOOD IS TASTY Other people's too. Unless the person is anemic Then it tastes weird. Fun fact, back in high school I diagnosed a friend with anemia because her blood didn't taste like it had enough iron in it. I was correct. (I had a reputation for biting people back in high school and college. It kept most people at a distance, and those that hung out anyway a) were a little weird themselves and therefore more fun to hang out with, and b) respected my personal boundaries. Everybody thought I was a little cray-cray and a little bit dangerous, and that served me well.) Yes! Urbex looks like a lot of fun, BUT: Please be careful when doing so. My town has a number of old factory buildings that are broken down and abandoned. One day while I was walking past one of them (no one else around, no big trucks going down the road, literally nothing but me walking), a large chunk of wall suddenly crumbled and smashed in the middle of the courtyard. Out of nowhere. Nothing triggered it. It just went "I'm done now" and smashed into pieces. Maybe fifteen feet from where I was. Old buildings are cool, but please look at structural integrity while exploring. No dying, kthnx. (Which actually connects to my guess as to why it's illegal: PAPERWORK. If someone gets hurt while climbing through, and then sues the town, it creates a crapton of paperwork. Or if someone dies, the town gets major negative publicity and also more paperwork. Stupid? Yes. True? Probably also yes.) Breath of the Wild!! WOO!! Super great game!! Physical: I like my hair. It's super long (like, almost to my knees); medium brown in indoor lights, but bronze with gold and copper tints in sunlight. A little frizzier than I'd prefer, and it's usually pulled back with a bunch of tendrils escaping around my head, but if I bother to put a bit of time into it and leave it down, it falls down my back in cascading waves. I like my hands; they're mine. I like that I've gotten some muscle definition into my arms and torso; it's taken some time and a lot of work, but I've got strength, and can use it. I like that I can swing my kids around, and run with them, and pass a soccer ball back and forth with them without getting tired or sore. Non-physical: I can listen well. I'm good at sitting with a person and listening, giving them my attention. Uh...I'm good at being vulnerable. And at forgiveness. I don't hold grudges. Every now and then I'll get WAY TOO SUPER EXCITED BY SOMETHING and I love those moments, they're so much fun and usually they make everyone around me smile too. I can sit and be quiet for a while. I have a good ear for music, and can hear and pick up harmonies very quickly. ...Huh. I'd forgotten until I was writing this, but I have an ok eye for photography composition. And beauty in nature will often stop me in my tracks, to glory in the wonder of it for a moment. Whether a mountain, or a snowflake; a sunset casting fire across the sky, or a tiny fern bud just starting to unfurl. I like that about myself. Something that went well this past week: Finally took my car in to get it fixed, it was done in a day, and now it's quiet when it drives and it's lovely. Something that I did that I liked: Watched The Fellowship of the Ring Petrichor! This just got added to my Background Music playlist, thank you. BEARDIE! Yes I already knew about him, I'm still excited. I love him. The little tongue blep. eeeee! Hey reisleK...I'll show you mine if you show me yours Guinea pigs, of course! DairinePhoneKiss.mp4 NitaPhoneKiss.mp4 (Please forgive the babyvoice talk. It's a habit I picked up from other people, and now I can't ditch it because they know that's the voice I use when I'm talking to them, so they respond to it.) YES Playfighting is so much fun!! I adore playfighting. "For example, in a study comparing lifters getting 6 hours of sleep to 8, the people who got 6 had 50% less muscle growth than the 8hr peeps" ...Wut. Oh. Well. Alright then. That protein calculation is useful though, thanks! I know you boost protein intake to build muscle, but a number to shoot for is helpful. I, uh...didn't know the sleep thing. So I'm not a medical professional, but I am a baker. Have you ever tried baking with protein powder? Muffins, cookies, scones, sweet breads, brownies - you can substitute protein powder for some of the flour in just about any recipe. 1/4 - 1/3 of the flour can be swapped for protein powder (so if 3 cups of flour are called for, use 1 cup protein powder and 2 cups flour), and it's a good idea to increase the oil or fat content a little bit to help prevent a dry end product. You can also put it in smoothies - homemade coffee smoothies are my fave, and a good way to get a quick boost of sugar while also loading up on protein. This is a good more detailed overview of baking with protein powder if you want to try: https://mattsfitchef.com/baking-with-protein-powder-instead-of-flour/ And all you guys saying you should get more physical exerise...Well? Go do some! Try different things, figure out what works better for you, but do something! Physical activity is one of the factors to more stable mental health. It's not a miracle cure, it's not instant, it's not everything, but it's good. Try yoga, or swimming, or gymnastics, or sword classes, or whatever keeps you interested and moving and healthy. Heck, I did Dance Dance Revolution several times a week as exercise for a number of years. It worked - kept me moving, and kept me from getting bored like I did with regular exercise. Harder/darker stuff: *hug* if you want it. Sometimes there's not a spark. Sometimes there is, and it's helpful to trace it out and address what's causing the recurrence. But sometimes there's not; sometimes it's better to just work with where you are rather than trying to trace it. Either way, we're here for you. So I see that both of these happened, and you know what? I'm still gonna celebrate the first post. Because it's still awesome! It's still an achievement. It's not wasted or lost. *hug* You're still doing well. Going longer stretches in between is good progress in recovery. You've got this. Suppressing is a useful tool to have, depending on what it's being applied to and as long as it's not being used to prevent progress. For fears, it's a good one. Think of it like exposure therapy; it's good to be able to talk about it without immediately spiraling. Being able to put something aside as needed is good. It may re-emerge later, but that doesn't mean you're not making real progress now. Things we struggle with and get better in often re-emerge - but now we have more practice with them. It doesn't negate the progress we made before, even if it feels like it at the time. YES I hate that. *hug* *hug* Hey, welcome. This is absolutely a place to come and vent. I don't know your relationship with your parents, so I can't give much advice. If you talked to them about struggling in school, would they be supportive or harsh? If you told them that you want to be doing better but all the anxiety of struggling is making that harder, how would they take that? I don't know, so I can't recommend anything, but those are questions you should think through. Always ask "How much help can I safely ask for?" I don't hate you. Thank you for having the courage to talk about it. I'm gonna PM you. (It might be a few hours before I get the message written up to my satisfaction and actually send it, but it'll be there) *hug* I'm sorry that's where you are. No, God doesn't hate you. But I get why it feels that way. I'm with #1 Taln Fan on this one - go read some psalms. Not just the one he referenced. There's a lot of people yelling their feelings at God in there. Book of Job, too, for suffering. And Ecclesiastes, for meaninglessness. But those are words on a page. Good reading, yes, but they're not people, real people, who know you and care about you. "Why should they care"...well, why shouldn't they? It's not about should or shouldn't - they do. We do. And yeah, it hurts to hear someone wishing they could suicide. But I'd rather sit through that pain with you than not have you around. Remember that - those people you're worried you're hurting? Who are still here with you? They'd rather be here with you in that pain than not have you. They think you're worth getting hurt for. They're choosing you - all of you. You are loved. Regardless of whether or not you feel it, or whether you think you're worth it.

Lurker Response dump! Spoilers for individual responses again b/c too dang long otherwise. To summarize: HUGS ALL ROUND Glass: Hawks: ALittleInsane: It IIIIIIS! until you realize that there are people around you who actually care about you and are hurting because you're going insane and then it's just guilty feeling instead of fun. Live for the little things. Pizza. Cats. Bagels. Guinea pigs. Cinnamon rolls. Dogs. Muffins. Bearded dragons. Scones. ...animals and baked goods in general, really. And tea! And coffee. Mmmmm espresso Cookie's dragon: TwinStorm: KnightSkye: THAT WAS THE MOST PERFECT RESPONSE EVER Cookie: And finally, all the talk of spelling mistakes makes me think of my brother, whose spelling is atrocious. Due to a handwriting/processing disability thing, he was allowed to use a laptop in class to do stuff (including taking tests) instead of handwrite things. At one point, another student complained that he was getting an unfair advantage in English class since any test essays he wrote were getting spellchecked automatically, so he would always get good marks in spelling. And the teacher just looks up and goes "You'd think that, wouldn't you??" His spelling is so bad, spellcheck rarely knows what he's trying to say. My favorite mis-correction was in a story he was writing that I got to read. "Stunned science ensued." (supposed to be "stunned silence". I maintain stunned science sounds cooler.) I forgot to put some of those in spoiler boxes. Oops. Also, meme for y'all! It's what we do here

Ok, that makes sense. Especially seeing people ask others not to use the terms if they're not diagnosed. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to learn how you function best! That's mostly my concern when I hear people talk about pretending. It sounds like you're balancing it pretty well. (But imposter syndrome is so real.) She makes a very good villain lol. If it's villain track you're going for, she's a smashing example!

Yes, early-to-mid-2000s naruto amvs! haha that's what introduced me to Linkin Park. AMVs introduced me to a lot of good music. They're a great way to genre-hop and try new things. Hey, Reliant K, I remember them haha. Still have one of their CDs floating around somewhere. Toby Mac, Switchfoot, yep, listened to a few songs of theirs. Ever listen to Skillet or Red? They're same-era music for me, also a number of amvs to them. I guess I should check out some of their new things. When I'm next up to trying new music, I shall explore the newer albums! (And by "new" music I mean "something I don't already have memorized". I like having my same things and only sometimes have energy for new stuff haha)

I generally feel that diagnoses are only useful if they help you find tools, techniques, or people to support you in how your brain works. But your brain chemistry works the way it does regardless of whether someone official has given it a label. I am careful to not assign a diagnosis that hasn't been properly assessed by a professional, but using terms like hyperfixate, overstimulation, depressed, stimming - these are are useful terms for communicating how your brain is functioning (or not functioning). Saying "playing this song over and over is soothing for me and helps me focus" is true whether you're "officially ND" or not. And is understandable by a number of ND folk - ones from different diagnoses and groups, even. That symptom is often shared by a range of different brain weirdnesses - from OCD to autistim to ADHD. Hahaha I can be Mother! As long as you all remember that *bursts into song* MOTHEEEEER KNOWS BEST! (I kid I kid, I would never want to be that kind of mother. She's like, the complete opposite of everything I want to be.)

lol oh boy. I thought Lurker was my nickname...What am I gonna end up with??? Hahaha I look forward to seeing what I get dubbed!

...Holy Muffins, Batman, there's been a lot of content posted on here since I last had time to properly sit down and listen to y'all. I'm gonna respond to things in spoiler boxes, because this is gonna be a massively long post. Sorries in advance! (Side note: If you don't see me on or responding for a while, it's because I want to give you guys real attention and not barely-half-thought-through responses, so I don't come on unless I have time to properly listen and think and respond. It's not cuz I don't care - quite the opposite!) @Heřãłðøfľõvê @Thee insane, Your video animation is adorable. Also: @alittleinsane @N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚ @echo74 @Wittles @The Shattered Cosmere @Kaladin Stormcursed General note for everybody: *HISSSS* No journal! No! No like! *hisssss* Ok but as much as I hate to admit it, Taln's right here, guys. It's super important to record the good times, because when you're dark or depressed, you won't be able to remember them. Not just good times, but proof of being loved, of friends caring for you, things like that. So that when your brain throws thoughts like "What if they're all faking?" you can flip through and see "Oh right, they did x and z, they wouldn't have done that if they didn't actually care". I have an irrational dislike of journaling, for no reason other than "everybody says you should", but he's right. And I have started doing so, sporadically. *sigh* ...*hisss* Fun/nonserious/happy stuff:

Phone on mute is such a dangerous thing, for this reason. I typically keep it on sound unless I'm in a complete sensory meltdown. ...I probably keep it on well past when I should, b/c if I turned it on mute sooner, I might not get overloaded as quickly. ...But the absolute panic of not being able to find it is worse, so. Priorities. *hug* I'm glad you found it!

Oh hey! Do you guys like acoustic covers of Linkin Park? There's a group I listen to, Melodicka Bros, who have done a couple of Linkin Park covers, and they're quite nice. Their cover of Castle of Glass is better than the original IMO, though they have a guest with them for that one. Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBWa68U1q4I That's the Castle of Glass cover, and you can find their other covers on their page too - they also do Numb, What I've Done, One Step Closer, Crawling, Leave Out All The Rest, and New Divide.

Makes sense it's one of your rant topics then. *hug* YES That...that...creature...hmm right, yes, keeping it civil. There's definitely also "healthy masculinity" - you're right that it's only bad when it leads to harmful ideas and behaviors. The difficulty is sifting through and unentangling the harmful ideas from the good ones.

Oh look, there was an answer to this on the FAQ, and now I feel embarrassed about not having looked it up myself. Thanks for pulling that up for me haha. And yeah, photo consent could definitely also be part of it, I hadn't thought of that.

Linkin Park! Yes! I first encountered them when I watched an AMV to the song Faint, then heard In The End on the radio (yes, I'm dating myself lol), and then bought their first two albums (Hybrid Theory and Meteora. Listened to those so many times. Sometimes would go to sleep with one of them on loop. Favorites: Uhhhhhhh. What I've Done, Numb, Somewhere I Belong, Easier to Run, Breaking The Habit, Papercut, In The End, Crawling, One Step Closer, Leave Out All The Rest, Figure 09 So yeah though I listened a ton to the first two albums cuz I owned them. Borrowed Minutes to Midnight from a friend and listened to that a bunch. And then...didn't listen to anything else from them. When I heard they got a new female singer, I checked out exactly one (1) song - Heavy Is The Crown. Which was good, and their same style. I'd be open to listening to more of their newer stuff, I just...never did. I have my playlist and it's all familiar and memorized and comfort music.

...Huh. Do you know why that age cutoff? Off the top of my head, the reason I can come up with doesn't make sense. If it was an event serving alcohol it would be 21+. Usually if I see something marked 18+ it's for something with...shall we say, "adult" content. But that would surprise me if that were the case for the worldhopper ball. Is it just to keep a certain air of gravitas about the event? If so, I feel like the organizers underestimate the fangirliness of their adult fanbase.

Yesssss so much hatred for the absurd expectations, impossible standards, and contradictory roles toxic masculinity has placed on guys. You're right, this is probably not the thread to rant about it. But it does connect to mental health! It does so much damage. I'm glad!

*adds another hug* Guys get ragged on for asking for hugs more than girls do. I think that's stupid, but it appears to be generally true in American culture. Never fear, we here won't judge by gender - hugs for all!

Dustbringer I'd say. For his control of his Hollow, his loyalty to his friends and disgust for those who abuse their friends, his eye-for-an-eye mentality, and the compassion he shows to the innocents, caring that they don't get caught up in the fight. Nicholas D. Wolfwood