MirkerLurker

OH MY GOSH I MISSED SO MUCH FUN I wasn't paying close attention to this thread T-T also I was getting sleepy and went to bed partway through y'all chatting. Why am I in the later time zoooone *complain complain* So fight or flight are actually only some of the standard possible reactions. I've heard the more complete list summed up as "Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Flirt." But yeah, freeze is also a common stress response, you're not alone in that (that's mine too! yay!). Hooray adults being good examples for youth! Woo! Go us! This photo is awesome!! Also dang, your camp has a go kart track? So jealous. I'm not a camp counselor, but I help out with a teen youth group every week. I lead a small group, it's fun! And we all went to winter camp together last week, went sledding and threw snow at each other and had a great time. Made a coffin sled out of cardboard. You use a different name too?! My name's Hannah, but I went by Sam (from Samwise Gamgee, yes I'm a geek) for one class each year all the way through school. Some people know me as Hannah, some as Sam, depending on which classes we shared, and I respond just as naturally to both names. Confused the life out of my teachers when they tried to compare notes about students. MUSAK SHARING WOO! High Kings and Longest Johns are great. Have you listened to any of Colm McGuinness's stuff? He's got quite a variety of covers - he does some old Irish folk tunes, sea shanties, some video game/anime stuff, some metal, some modern, and some original stuff. He does all his own instrumentals, though he doesn't usually do vocal harmonies. Linkin Park also great, yeah! Numb is sooo good. "And I know, that you were just like me, with someone disappointed in you..." Seriously, one of the only songs I've seen that expresses emotion like that - exhaustion, frustration, trapped, failing, numb - but also empathy for the person doing it to them. The song is so real even without that, but then that line just blew me away. Love that one. *hug* I can't take away the sad, but I can give hugs. *HUG* I found your art thread recently. It's really good. I can say with certainty you're not inadequate or useless in that regard. (I can even post some of my own attempts at art for comparison purposes if it would make you feel better. Mine are not good lol.) And I like seeing your art. I love the contrast, the use of shadows and light that you use. You have a good eye for composition and framing, and it makes your work look dramatic and eye-catching. And your work shows you've put time, and effort, and dedication into it. I can see growth in your pieces as you've improved. That's not the result of someone stupid, or useless. I'm sorry you feel lonely though. That one's harder to address. That sucks. I'm sorry. I definitely find that happens when I don't have an inspiration or interest in what I'm supposed to be writing. It just doesn't work. I can't get started, I can't get going, I can't get the words to work, I can't get my thoughts to focus or organize. But of course, that's not an acceptable reason to not turn in an essay.

I cracked up, thank you. The tone of voice, audible despite the text-only post. Oh man. Ok, I LOVE Steris! In a non-romantic way (I'm straight) but she is amazing and I want to be besties with her and I had to jump in and join in singing her praises. I love her so much and want to be lifelong friends with her and make spreadsheets with her and share new soda flavors and compare parenting woes and just yes. She's straightforward and organized and honest and blunt and vulnerable and strong and awkward and calm and I love her. Anyway. Sorry, fangirl moment done. Ok, who would I date? Adolin. No thought needed. Adolin. He's reliable, compassionate, honorable, nerdy, great sense of humor, adorably awkward, confident but not arrogant (mostly), willing to listen to others...I could go on. But maybe also Painter. I have a soft spot for Painter. (Adolin's better though. Adolin is best golden boy.)

...what. what the storming rust. Dang. That's awful.

That's hard. I'm sorry. *hug* Don't know if this is encouraging to hear right now, but it will end; it's ok to just ride it out as best you can. Still sucks to have to get through it.

Congratulations, you've written out one of the textbook symptoms of "depression"! *fake cheery voice* Also, yes. Quite familiar with that one. Neat! It is interesting. I'm glad that aspect doesn't feed into depression or anxiety for you - anything that we can use without negative impacts is great. I have gone back and forth over the years on being anxious that I'm lying to people on this count. I have generally settled about where you describe - it's a persona, it's part of me, it's not lying, it's fine. But I have struggled in the past with my brain's anxiety and depression telling me that I'm actually lying to everyone, that no one actually knows the real me, that I'm alone - following that kind of trail of thought, twisting it. And then I struggle with determining what's actually logical and what's not. It's nice to hear from others who do the same kinds of things but don't have the same thoughts. Hmmmm yeah, kind of like that. Like, it is me, it's just the part of me I'm showing at the moment, as opposed to some other time when I'm showing a different part. That's an interesting way of looking at it.

Strong for somebody else is a great fit for Kaladin. Face to Face is Dalinar facing off with Odium at the end of Oathbringer. "I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees" so good. ICU (the title song) gets stuck in my head all the time, I love to sing it. And the song I send to others is Burden. Burden is beautiful.

Noted. Breaking Benjamin is decent. Diary of Jane gets stuck in my head sometimes. Bit of a jump, but do you know Eluveitie? Celtic metal. Pretty rough vocals, gorgeous melodies.

Deal!

Wait yo hold up, death metal? Hmmmmm...I will check that one out later. I'm more of a goth metal or symphonic metal fan, but I'll happily check out what you listen to.

French horn is difficult! It requires more skill than any other brass instrument to play, because it's so easy to bend the notes. French horn players are better *shoves nose in air snobbishly* Bass clef screws me up. I'm so used to treble, it's all I've ever worked with. I theoretically know how to read it, but...you can keep it, thanks. Lol

So you just do all the low parts then, got it. Haha that's cool! Section leader is an achievement, way to go. I have a bit of piano background, but not much. I can string together and pick out melodies. And my attempts to teach myself guitar lasted...about three days.

Cool! Sweet! Horn buddies! French horns get all the best melodies. *starts rocking out to the Lord of the Rings theme*

Oh cool, you do percussion? That's awesome! And near-perfect score, WOW! I played french horn, but haven't touched it in years. *glances guiltily at instrument case gathering dust in the corner*

ooh, me too, I'm also an alto! And similarly, not a beautifully wonderful singer, but I can hold harmonies well. I like singing. Just don't ask me to solo

Yesss to hoist the colors. *GASP* you don't like soy sauce?! ...fine, I will give you all salt packets I find in trade for all soy sauce packets you come across. lol ok. Well if you ever want to listen to it again it's probably the bass singers of tik tok. (who are also on youtube and other places, despite the name.) And even if it wasn't, their version is excellent.

oooh are you talking about the one by the bass singers of tiktok and the wellerman? That one was gooood! ...but I also love the little short one by Colm McGuinness and Peter Barber, where they're standing in a garage in a bathrobe, and pink swimshorts from the look of it, singing. Wait I forgot, someone recommended Studio C to me but I forgot and never looked it up!! ...apparently I have some videos to watch tonight.

Good!

Jumping in late but Hawks the white trim on the black suit looks sharp, nice contrast and it looks snazzy! I didn't read far enough back in the thread to see - did you make that yourself? Ok ok favorite story from the internet for boosting confidence that no one is paying as close attention to you as you think: What?! Dude your voice is awesome!! Just from listening to you talk! ...ok I'm admit I'm biased, I love bass voices, but still! ...also now I sound like an internet creeper, great first impression, go me you should post singing recordings!! oh oh oh what about soy sauce?! Do you drink soy sauce packets like meeee??? Salty and delicious Red geraniums have the double advantage of having an awesome reference, and also looking like blood spatter everywhere, so when the fireworks go off it'll look like the best massacre ever.

*hug* Anytime! Hmmmm May I push back ever so slightly on your point #2? (And feel free to ignore or disagree. This may not be the time or place to make the point I'm going to make, but it's hard to tell that online. ...Storms, it's hard to tell that in person. So, sorry in advance if this isn't helpful right now.) If someone's words make you hate yourself, ask (yourself) if that's what they were actually trying to do. Sometimes (not all the time) our brains are twisting what people say, and that's not what they meant. Sometimes they are trying to help, and doing a really awkward or actually-unhelpful job of it. I want people around me who I trust to offer...let's call it "constructive criticism", just like we would for writing or art. People who I trust will call me out if I'm screwing up and not realizing it, or hurting people and not realizing it, or letting my dark brain trick me into believing lies - I want people who will call that out, and help me do better. But I also know my own brain interprets any "criticism" as "they hate me" and "I'm a terrible person" and things like that. I'm not trying to discredit your original point - you should never listen to people attempting to tear you down for the sake of tearing you down. Any criticism should always be checked first for accuracy. You have value, you are loved, and nothing anyone says can undo that. Absolutely on that. As for the rant - *hug* Just, hug. That sucks, and I'm sorry, so *hug* Hey Hawks. Don't undervalue the skill of being there for someone. It's not actually easy. And it's way more important than we tend to give it credit for. It's hard, to sit with someone be unable to help. It's hard to not see any real effect from being there for someone. It's hard to feel like you're making a difference, and it's easy to think that "being a good friend" isn't an important skill, or a skill worth being proud of. Other people can be great at singing, at basketball, at teaching, at art, at writing, at business management, at whatever. But if no one is there supporting them, encouraging them, and giving them the motivation and love to keep going, then none of that matters. If "all" (sarcasm) that you do well is support other people and love them well, that is SO MUCH.

This is a bit of a ramble, on a tangent that my brain wandered down from the sentence "Coping by pretending to be an extrovert." Does anybody else ever feel like they're lying to everyone around them when they put on a mask? Like we're deceiving people, tricking them kind of, when we pretend to feel something we don't, or have a trait we don't? When we lie to fit in? Like, by putting on a demeanor that we don't actually feel for the sake of making others more comfortable, we're...well, tricking people? Lying? (Please hear all the disdain and disgust in the word "lying" there - to use Painter and Yumi's writing style, "Lying [lowly]?" I really dislike deception in all forms.) I sometimes think (and I go back and forth on this, so chime in if you disagree, I won't be offended) that in a way, it's not lying, because what we're portraying is a choice. Our choice, to smile when we don't want to, or do things to make someone comfortable when we wouldn't do that ourselves. We are choosing to go against ourselves for the sake of someone else, and that choice is an honest part of who we are, and so that is what we are showing. "Pretending to be an extrovert" - it is a level of pretending, but that choice to put others first is honest, and a true part of who you are. So it may be pretending, but it's not necessarily lying...if that makes sense? It's not deceiving or tricking someone. I'm not a Lightweaver. I have a very strong dislike of lying to or deceiving someone. So I sometimes toss thoughts like this around to try to see if that aversion is blinding me to things that are actually helpful. And this is certainly not always true - masking can and certainly does cause all kinds of difficulties, both in our relationships and within our own brains. I'm just...kind of thinking out loud. Bouncing ideas off y'all to see if my thoughts are grounded or not. *hug* That sucks. It's good to realize that's what they're doing. It's awful that that's what they're doing. Wish I could come to your school and sit next to you and stare them all down with death glares. (Everybody else can go for the stabbing and the killing; I too much enjoy watching them walk away of their own volition with their tails between their legs. ...i might have a bit of a power trip thing haha) Yes, thank you! I did miss a couple, my bad. Relationships are scary, because they are so. dang. vulnerable. BUT That's also what makes them so amazing. Knowing there's someone who knows you. Who sees you. And who loves you, in spite of or even because of what they see. Not just from far away, from another house, not just from a distance or only some of the time, but up close and always. And it's not all about being a sexual thing. That is NOT the foundation of a romantic relationship (*cough*stupidculturewe'rein*cough*). We humans all have a drive for connection. For being understood. We want to belong. And no that doesn't have to come through a romantic relationship - having deep friendships is very important to mental health, friendships can be incredibly deep and fulfilling! You absolutely don't need a romantic partner. A romantic relationship is another level, another way in which you are both vulnerable and trusted. Knowing you're supporting them, even as they support you. Romantic relationships grow out of connection. That's what makes them valuable to me. (I'm not trying to pressure you or anything! Go ahead and ignore this if you want - I'm a romantic at heart and fully admit it. But by "romantic" I mean "thrives on deep real connection", not "sighs and squeals when given flowers". *shudder*) (...also I have a vendetta against our current culture trying to portray romantic relationships as based primarily on sex drive. It makes me angry. If you ever want to hear a solid rant, ask me about my feelings on the way romance is portrayed in books. I have feelings on the matter.) Woo, long weekends! Glad you're enjoying it, and glad you can use it to take some down time. Art blocked is frustrating, but yeah, if you paint every day, you're getting plenty of practice. I'm sure you'll get through it, whether by study or by taking a break and letting the motivation return. I'm doing alright myself, thanks for asking! Bit tired, but that seems to be a side effect of my new med. I've fallen asleep in the middle of the day three times in the past two weeks haha. Switched to taking it at night instead of morning, hopefully that'll help. And, it is having the effect of lower overall anxiety, which is the point, so yay on that count! ...I'm mildly worried that the lower anxiety will affect my productivity, as I'm used to using the burst of panicked energy to get things done. I'll have to actually, like, learn healthy habits. *hug* Glad to hear from you! No need to talk about anything you don't want to, just nice to see you around. See above above paragraph for how I'm doing, thanks for asking! *HUGS* I feel this. Authority figures are terrifying. Like, even when they're friendly. They're an authority figure. And messing up in front of someone, even when I know it was understandable, or I'm not actually in trouble for it, and it's ok...still panic. I've gotten somewhat better at handling it. I know I'll make mistakes, I've managed to set myself a bracket of "expected mistakes" for various situations that I've trained my brain to handle ok if I make one of those minor ones. But man, I still fall apart if someone just directly says "this thing you did was bad". *HUG* Makes complete sense for you to be having more trouble right now with things you'd already gotten better at. Please remember that and give yourself grace. It's ok to make mistakes you've made before. It's ok to move backwards in your "progress". Mental health progress isn't a linear bar. Going 'backwards' is still growing you, even if it doesn't feel like it. Learning the same things again, having to go over them again, will help you learn them better, will even show you new things about them. It's ok to be frustrated at struggling with things you had moved through. It is frustrating. But it's also ok. Don't be hard on yourself for it. It's normal, and it's ok. Good to hear from you! Belated good luck on your exam. Also I love that image! *hug* I'm sorry.

Heeeeey @Kaladin Stormcursed - how are you doing?? You came and chatted, but didn't check in, and I noticed *squinty eyes* How about other peeps? @The Sly Cookie? @N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚ @SpiritOfWrath? @TwinStorm? Some of our quieter, more occasional commenters, you guys too! @Just A Silvereye, @The Wandering Wizard, @echo74 @Magi, how's it going? You can hang out in the background and be quiet, but I want you to know we remember you're here and we care about you.

*hug* Have you tried asking them? It's awkward as storms, but also super valuable. Be prepared to answer the same question for them, btw (why do you value them as a friend), so it's an encouraging thing for them too. And - challenge - will you believe them when they tell you why? It'll take some deliberateness, choosing to believe them instead of your brain. Panic attacks are no fun, regardless of the cause. *hug*

Sorry to hear that. I feel that though. I only got 1 out of 9 tasks done today that I wanted to get done, when I should have had time for all of them plus more. *hug*

*hug* Good! Celebrate the parts you can. Saying sorry for stupid things is a hard habit to break haha. Good work on that. *hug* Good that you recognize thought patterns and are keeping an eye on them. We're here for you. GROUP HUG EVERYBODY *hug*

...ok that's funny. Also, *hug* Hey Elan! How about you? ...*leans back with arms crossed, nods weirdly and puts on fake accent* How you doin'???