akoebel

Thanks Mandamon, In fact, I asked myself the same questions while I was revising. Arlon's explanations to Forys do sound a lot like a villain telling his plan. What convinced me to leave it as it was is that it is completely in character. In fact, I modeled Arlon after an historical character. The sort of larger than life man who loved things to be theatrical and makes big speeches. He would completely had told his plan in this way, so I only smoothed it out and left it there. Maybe I should remove it, I'm still unsure.

It also took me a while to remember who Bern was. The reasons for going to war for the two young men was a bit strange to me. In earlier times, people weren't so patriotic. One might be conscripted by force or law (which was often the case), or want to get a name for yourself, possibly for easy plunder (and women), but defending your "fair land's name" wasn't simply done. Bern's entire conversation with the minister was wrong: * Why didn't Bern start his story with Link? "I've seen this guy kill a king and take a mystic sword. Then, he went to the jungle to be acclaimed like a god. You're next on his list" It would be much more convincing. * Why isn't he asked his credentials by the minister? * The minister actually argues about the impossibility of Bern having gone to the jungle. Why doesn't he just show him the door saying that he doesn't have time to waste on low people imagining threats? My questions : * If the guards let most people pass with only a glance, why does it take so long to enter? * The baker store has a stall outside that nobody is apparently watching. How come he still has any bread left on it and it's not been stolen? * I didn't understand how Bern's contact, a known spy, could procure access to the queen. If he was able to do so, why was he victim to the purge? * Does the palace guard let anyone enter? It's only after Bern came inside that he was asked who he was - and not even what he wanted then.

Hi, Shrouds, Chapter 2 is ready for next week if there's room.

Hi, I found the setting to be very interesting, both for the magic system and for the worldbuilding. I thought you gave us a number of little details over the world history and such so that the story has a natural feel. I was about to comment the same thing about chapter 2 : it's essentially a mirror scene. Aside from the cliché, what bothered me was the apparent disconnect between Leah at the end of chapter 1 (worried) and her at the beginning of chapter 2 (looking for something to wear). It's only at the end of the chapter that the worry comes out again, almost as an afterthought. I think if she is really worried, it should show throughout the chapter. As not much happens there, I think you can drop this chapter altogether. Chapter 3 was interesting, but a bit confusing. I think some things are happening that I'm not supposed to understand yet and this gives a rather uncomfortable feeling to the scene. Now, being confused at this point is maybe what you're looking for (like an Erikson opening). If not, it might be better to explain the situation a bit better. I agree with Mandamon that the notes disturbed me, first because they were there, and then because what you said in the notes made sense to you but not always to me. I haven't read your earlier version, so I can't comment on the differences. Overall, interesting ideas. I'd love to see more.

Hi, This is the first chapter from my second novel SHROUDS (2nd draft). SHROUDS is an adult fantasy mystery with lots of dead bodies and other occasional adult themes. In this first chapter, I'm introducing the magic system and two main characters : Mahau and Arlon. I am primarily interested in comments about worldbuilding and characters, not so much about grammar for now, but really any comment is helpful. I hope you'll enjoy it.

Great news! I hear it's the first sell that counts, so you're well under way. Does a novella qualify you for SFWA membership?

Hi everyone, As cjhuitt said, I've been procrastinating a lot when it comes to critiquing in the last few months. With my first book out of my hands and the third laid to rest for a while, I'm currently editing my second novel SHROUDS, and I think it's time for me to submit again. So, I'd like to start submitting next monday. Things look slow right now, so I guess we have an open spot for me.

What I liked about this chapter is the political structure which reminds me of the early Roman republic (with the Senate, the Plebes, and the two Consuls chosen for a limited period). It's an interesting aspect of the world and the built-in power balance can bring wonderful opportunities for conflict. I agree that Andronicus (sounds Roman) was a bit too passive for my taste. Not that big of a problem early on, but I like to see opening POV chapters showing the POV character being good at something. Here, he just shakes up Eugenia and acts as a figurehead. Even during the discussion with the other king, he only seems to make a weak attempt and giving it up too easily. I think he should have at least tried to convince the other elders that granting powers to the other king was a bad idea. Now, what bothered me the most is on the writing side. I found a lot of instances where you tell instead of showing and in some instances, you tell the same thing more than once. I might have noticed it here and not on the other chapters because the action was quite low here, so I looked at the writing instead. Not a big issue for a first draft, but something to keep your eyes on during revision.

I liked this chapter far more than the two previous ones. To me, it seems you were right in your earlier comment : this should be where the book begins. Now, I had a hard time buying that those people were supposed to be something like Spartans. I mean, those people were hard and disciplined and probably wouldn't have allowed a man to marry his slave. Maybe it's just me expecting your characters to behave in some way because I know you based them on Sparte, but right now, they seem at best weak (if not outright cowed). That being said, I think you described the relationships nicely without too much info dumps. I too didn't get that it was the leader who took her away and I even asked myself why weren't other men tagging along to join the fun. Now, if this was the leader, I can understand better even if I'm wondering why he took her and not her step daughter. Her killing him wasn't surprising, but I expected you to drag things along a bit farther (after all, you gave us the 'S' warning, so I was ready for more. The blood feeding was definitely interesting, including the souring of the taste (which I attributed at the time to the guy being dead for too long). Very interesting magic system, I thought if you have to replenish yourself each time you do something. As I dabbed myself into a bit of blood magic as a magic system, I saw this only as component consumption and nothing to do with eating someone's soul. Then, comes Hyginos. The guy is creepy and I don't trust him the least bit. I expect he's lying to her about what he pretended to see. He saw her husband; doesn't mean he was dead at the time or that Hyginos wasn't himself with the attackers (which would explain why he's here). If you intended to instill in your reader such mistrust in the guy, you've succeeded well. His explanations are very info dumpy as the others said - you could take your time here and only have him answer a minimal number of questions and lead her away. There will be plenty of time later to explain everything. Which brings me to my biggest issue with the chapter. I was enjoying the story quite a lot until I read some mention of bats and then sunlight. I had to stop right there. This is a vampire novel? Not only have there been quite a lot of them, I feel you had enough going on with the magic system to dispense with the sunlight thing. And why does it always have to be sunlight? I never saw it coming either - like I had been misled into reading a vampire novel when I expected a straight fantasy. Not that vampire novels are bad, I just wished I had been warned before (of course, with a real book, the packaging would have prepared me). Aside from that, I enjoyed it quite a lot.

I really liked the action part from the prologue. You conveyed the setting really well, including the phalanx formation and how men fought in it. I wasn't bothered by the obvious greek setting - it felt comfortable for me to have a known setting. Now, the dialogue part in the prologue didn't really work for me. I needed to go back a couple of times to check who was whom - probably due to the fact that there are too many names here (whether locations or character names). The first paragraph felt a bit too info-dumpy for me (sounded like Lysandros was stating something everyone knew just for my benefit). I can see why the king would be in the front line (even though experienced officers should be on the rear lines to acquire some perspective). What troubled me was the order to retreat. The strength of a phalanx is to maintain a straight shield wall for your enemies to break themselves into. As such, phalanxes are not able to change direction and that's their weakness. Asking a phalanx to withdraw can't be done in an orderly fashion, so really Lysandros was asking for a rout when he signaled the withdrawal. Why were no reserves kept to help with the second army they knew was coming? Now, I would ask as I do in every prologue submitted here : does the prologue need to be there for the story to work? Given what I've seen so far from your story, you could do without (this is what Dan would call an Ice Monster Prologue intended to give the reader some action early on). For chapter I, again I found the speeches to be too directed at exposition. I know people in those times liked big monologues, but for today's audience, this is hard to stomach. As the others said, I didn't really get much from the character's POV here besides the fact that he's a politician accustomed to manipulating crowds. I haven't checked, but I think 10 000 people is a very large number for an assembly inside a city. The two parts were well written and quite enjoyable to read. Note : underlining is an old convention (it was designed to help typesetters work with manuscripts typed on paper). With word processors, it isn't necessary anymore and is now considered bad form.

I agree with the others : my two main issues with this chapter are Fen's wild running and his hysterical response to the council news. For the running part. First, I doubt that a council would be called without the king being informed first. In most kingdoms, councils were only an advisory body meeting at regular intervals to deal with day to day affairs. The king might ask for one if he wanted some advice, but often, he wouldn't even call for a council in the first place. Messengers would first go to some castle official, then to the prime minister. Then if the situation warranted it, the king would be informed. There, the members of the council called for a meeting summoning the king as if it was usual. I doubt Henry VIII would have stood it. Then, instead of going in a stately pace (some kings would probably have made a point to make the council wait for a long time), he goes into a sprint which is probably going to alarm everyone in the castle and create some panic. Note : when he comes to the council chamber, he's not even out of breath. Now for his reaction at the news. As Mandamon said before, I thought he was going to be deposed. Instead, I get some mild news about raids on the border (such news could have waited for a few hours btw). Out of the blue, Fen screams war and you've lost me as a reader. Not only does it seem like completely out of character, but it's not even foreshadowed on the scene itself and I haven't any shred of idea about why he behaves this way. The best explanation I can find is that he's high or something like that. "And slaughter those shattered Erian dogs" : who said that? The line break before suggests it's someone else talking but this doesn't really fit with someone else in the assembly. After that, the council treats him as little more than a child. The condescension isn't even veiled and even if I'm ready to accept it coming from his wife, I don't buy it from the others. The king could probably have them executed on the spot without trouble and seeing his unstable state of mind, I'm not sure any sane man would have dared. Then, he's back to his old self and again, I don't understand why. People don't go crazy one second and calm the next especially if you're seeing inside their head. He might appear calmer, but I expect his thoughts to show some signs of his earlier state. There, I see only a calculating person trying to get rid of his problems. Aside from all that, the piece is engaging and I'm waiting for the next installment.

I'll follow Caleb's lead and try to explain how this NaNo went for me. This has been a strange event for me this year and to explain it, I'll have to rewind back to last NaNo. I started last year a new novel which had been brewing in my mind for a few months. The writing went great - so great that I decided early on to do a double NaNo and go for the full hundred thousand words. I managed it, but discovered that writing 3.5K per day while being doable doesn't leave me much time for anything else. Come December, I was so burned out that I decided to leave the book there for a few weeks. Then, something I hadn't anticipated came. I got the opportunity to submit a partial to an editor in January on another work and discuss her input after that. So, I did what any author would do, I put the last project aside and went to full editing mode on the other. This editing before and after the editor's input took me the better part of the year as I finished it in September. I needed to go back to my NaNo project and finish it, but soon realised I didn't remember much about it. I had to re-read it (a strange experience) in order to remember everything and find the book's voice back. Then came this November and I thought I could use NaNo to finish the book. At the time, it was at 100K in early act 3 and according to the acts 1 and 2 lengths, I figured I needed to write about 35k to wrap it. The only problem was, I only had in my mind a partial idea about that ending. The characters were all in very bad positions and it seemed like enough for me to find a good ending. So I went to writing and produced a solid 5k in the first day. Things were looking good and characters started to converge on the final battlefield. Then, the villain did something unexpected : he decided to send all his minions that were hunted down by my hero to the 4 corners of the world in order to buy himself some time. I never expected this and since it was logical (and quite clever on his part), I had to go along. That single paragraph cost me about 20k, I'd say, launching the characters in a journey like those you find in early acts 2. As a result, most of the writing for this ending feels like I've been writing the sequel in a series and not the end of book 1. After now 50k and a few more detours, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, though not in the way I would have figured. The main character was supposed to go into a bloodthirsty killing spree and be stopped by an alliance between her friends and the villain. Instead, I have a main character who accepted to surrender to the villain to escape destroying everything in her path and her son is doing all he can to turn her back into the bloodthirsty version of her, thinking it will save her. Very different endings and I think the second one is the stronger. I never even considered it until the characters moved in this direction. This is what I love about writing. So to recap, I'm at 155K now, with an ending in view which should take me about 10k (ok, let's be realistic here : maybe 15?). I don't advise anyone to put a book aside for 1 year as I did. There are multiple problems to solve when doing this : the character voices change, the plot gets fuzzy, and you waste words getting back into the book's mood. I don't know how Ray Bradbury did it all his life. Another thing I learned is that doing 50k in a month is a breeze for me. 100k was hard, but 50k is barely more than what I would normally do. NaNo just helps me force myself to write 7 days a week instead of 4 with time to spare. I even found the time to attend a 4-day con (did the same last year, but found out I could barely attend the panels because I needed to write). We'll see what next year has in store. Probably something very different.

And ... done. I might post here later what happened for me during this nano : From a vague idea to something completely different. At least today, I can see a potential ending. That's better than yesterday I guess.

Congrats Caleb! Very nice finishing streak. Looks like Mandamon and I aren't far behind you. My characters still won't allow me to go to the ending. Joys of pantsying...

Hi, I added you both as buddies. Yesteray's session was a strong one : I needed to get a bit ahead because I won't have time to write today. Still pantsy writing my way through. I really have to come up with an ending; otherwise, I'll get stuck fast.

I'd say you're up to a good start here. If this is intended for publication, be mindful of 2 things: * Editors really dislike Eddings-type prologues. They are OK if the prologue describes the inciting incident, but a prologue only showing backstory is a definite no for them (unless you're a well established author, that is). * Shooting for 75k seems a bit low for an epic fantasy in today's market. I think 100k is the lowest length they will look at (though you can be published with pretty much any length, you're stacking the odds against you). Aside from that, it was an enjoyable and fast read, which is always a good sign for me. You're only mentioning the character's name on page 2, and I think it's too late : the reader needs to make the connection with the character as soon as possible. I'm not really a fan of establishing shots, but you made a good job of it. Some of the wording at the beginning felt a bit too grandiose (bordering on satire, I think), but that can be smoothed down in the rewrites. Keep on writing, get that story out of your head : it's the most important thing right now.

I'll agree with everyone that the theological discussion didn't sound right. I thought that the idea of having two people discuss religion openly was good, but all of it rang hollow. Beginning a new chapter with 4 new characters is difficult. At some point, I got confused and had to go back and re-read to know who was whom. I got a bit annoyed by the chapter's beginning. Everything was 'beautiful', so much that it was sickening. Having a character's thought bubble state 'She's so beautiful, I love her so much' didn't feel like something that someone would actually think. It is also a big tell, so you might want to change that a bit. The main attraction of the chapter was to see that the bad guy (he's obviously one because he uses big words) is up to something and that he has a plan. If he's impersonating some kind of god, he makes a poor job of it, like he doesn't believe it himself. For instance, he says 'we must even lay down our lives'. What god would say that? He makes it sound like he's like his worshipers. 'you must lay down your lives..' would have been better. If Innahken is to be a character who loses everything, you need to make him much more interesting. Right, now, he looks like a bad Disney character and seeing him fall would actually please me, which I don't suppose is the effect you're going for. The last sentence threw me off. It's obviously interesting, but doesn't connect with the character's prior state of mind. It he's in a religious trance, he shouldn't notice anything like that.

As I said earlier, this chapter is much better than the previous one. I really liked Alberic's character with a definite Javert vibe going on, only with a more gleeful character. I really want to know why he despises burglars so much. I hope you'll cover this side story in the next chapters. Now, I'm not sure that the first scene is really useful. Seeing a character waiting certainly slows things down. You could pretty much convey the same information with the scene with Lord Dominik and have a faster chapter. I agree that some of Lord Dominik's comments didn't quite make sense : I'm not sure what he's offering in the way of pardons and to whom. For the worldbuilding, this still seems a bit fuzzy right now (part SF and part Fantasy?), but this doesn't bother me yet. I might have a different opinion in the next chapters if things don't start to clear.

I'm sorry to come so late with so little. To be honest, this chapter didn't work for me. Not that it was badly written - it wasn't. It just didn't hold my interest. I know this doesn't help, but I thought about it a lot, and I still don't really understand why. I think my major issue here is that I didn't care for the character. I liked the first chapter despite Jorah's presence (I liked the other characters way better), but here, it's all him, and I couldn't care for him. At some point, I wished he would get caught by the hands, but it didn't happen. The zombie hands thing might also be a bit over the top for me, like I was watching a bad horror movie from the eighties. Chapter 3 looks much better : I'll critique it right away.

I would have used the 'Wergild' spelling, though I understand the other ones are equally valid. Did you chose this one by design (could be a great pun)? Anyway, this one escaped me. Great title!

Book 1 is done and out to agents (got very useful comments on a partial by a very good editor). Book 2, draft 1 is done out to alpha readers. Book 3 is at 80% (wrote it last year during NaNoWriMo, but had to stop to finish Book 1 draft 4). Currently re-reading it to get back into the voice and finish it in October. Book 4 is building up in my head. I hope to start it in the next few months, maybe in time for NaNoWriMo.

I'm really bad at finding titles for my books. I expect my future editors to change them, so I'm really not that attached to each individual title. Titles (older to newer) as they appear in my computer folders : The Fifth Compendium Grim Assignment Shrouds The Emerald Shower (yukk....) Novel #4 (current working title is "Anti-Revolution") These are all unrelated works - the second one is a short story. I also don't buy books based on their titles (unless it's title is "XX and YYY" and I tell myself 'this is for kids' and I don't buy it). I mostly buy books based on their covers. Thank god I did find a Tor edition of WOT and not the Orbit edition or I would never have read it. Among the titles cited, those who speak most to me are : That Which Lurks Beneath (sounds like a Buffy episode name) The Blade of Shadows (cool image) False Positives (so many ideas there....) Intertwined Death (Don't know why)

Working really hard on it...

I didn't either.

I was also convinced this was written in omniscient (which I do not like). If this is not omniscient, you must add explicit indications about who is the POV character or the reader will be unsure who to care about. The flow of paragraphs seemed a bit out of order to me, but this might be my reaction to flashbacks. The character of Thomas seems to evolve : in the first page, he seems like the greenest recruit there is, but we learn a few paragraphs later that he's a seasoned guard so his first remarks looked a bit out of place. Aside from that, the piece felt good with enough exposition to make me understand what was happening and lots of conflict. At this point, I very much want to read the rest.