Silk

If you’re looking for places to cut, the first page feels mostly like it’s just there to transition A from waking up to the arrival of the messenger, except maybe for the reference to the day being a bad one. You could probably jump straight to the latter point, and if A’s condition flaring is important, work that into that part of the scene instead. A lot of the conversation between the messenger’s initial arrival and getting on the horse also feels like it could be cut or trimmed, for the same reason. There are a few hints of the A/L dynamic and that S plans on making trouble by opening its mouth, but the primary purpose of this scene feels like it’s just to get us in the air, so to speak. That said, I'm very interested to see where the development at the end of the chapter takes us. It might be helpful to hang a lantern on it in the earlier chapters, though. Was A expecting this? Is it part of her plan? (Also, if I were S I'd just take the opportunity to eat her right there. Why doesn't it?)

Has there been a time skip between this and the last chapter? Maybe WRS, but I didn’t realize we were in a swamp. That said, I think this is one of the best place descriptions we’ve gotten so far. Edit: yeah, think it was just getting oriented to being outside the witches' house. Took me a few paragraphs to figure that out, though. “It could choose what it took with it when it teleported…” Would A and L not have known this already? I’m still not totally clear how much of a physical threat A poses to S—S has never seemed particularly physically vulnerable before. I guess it has skin and important things in its neck? And can breathe? P3 “Just one precious self.” Oh, this bit about it being cut off from its other instances and therefore vulnerable makes sense, and is interesting. P5 Wait, did S find another instance of itself? P10 “baby’s first dysphoria” lol “You shall inhabit this body for the rest of your days” – why? Are the rest of them planning on killing it when this is done? Do they have any way to enforce it sticking to this form? Overall: I’m finding the sections of the book that focus on relationships more engaging than the ones like this one that are focusing mostly on plot. Partly that’s about me as an audience, but that also just seems to be mostly where this specific story is hitting. My major stumbling block with regard to this chapter, and I touched on this in my LBLs, is that I still don’t feel like I have a good understanding of who’s capable of what, who is actually threatening to whom, etc. Without that foundation, it makes it harder to invest in all the jockeying for position that si happening in this chapter (and elsewhere).

P3 “..an impression of a startled cat.” Lol at the description. Also, it’s good that we’re getting an emotional hook here, but I’m not super-invested in it yet, since we don’t have any sense whatsoever of what it is. Edit: it’s sort of explained down the page, but I’m still not totally sure why L thinks it’s a bad thing/S thinks this gives it leverage. If there’s more to the lie than “I never mentioned that I met your mother when you were young” it would be helpful to have hints of that, and why that affects S’s predicament. P4 “So it didn’t remember the meeting entirely” maybe WRS or something that was skipped, but I don’t know what this is referring to At the end of the conversation between L and S, I find myself wondering what’s changed – the power dynamic did a lot of flip-flopping back and forth, which is potentially fine, but I’m not certain about where it landed. P9 I was taken aback at the talk of “letting” A go to the city; I had the impression from the previous scene that this had been decided, even though L wasn’t happy about it. P15 Confused. Is this another fake? Overall: I’m interested in this as a setup, but don’t feel like I have a good sense of where it’s going, which makes it a little harder to get invested. I want a better idea of what different people are trying to do (even if I’m wrong) so I can look forward to it with anticipatory dread! But, I’m still busy trying to figure out what pieces go where. I am nursing a secret theory that S has taken over A? I also stumbled on this. Pretty similar thoughts to Ace and Mandamon this time, all around.

I think the original description of the maze/the narrator’s attempt to get out of it goes on just long enough. P3 “… a series of scenes rapid fire” – because I don’t know much about the protagonist to begin with, it doesn’t have much impact yet. I can infer that he’s not a hugely social person, but I don’t know if this is just something he wants but hasn’t tried for, or has tried and failed to achieve, or even if this is the double just trying to manipulate him, etc. Similarly I don’t know what J apparently abandoning this goal a couple pages later to go back to the “real world” means I’m also becoming very curious about how “normal” I’m supposed to think this is in this setting. If this is something totally out of left field, the narrator seems to be taking it awfully well. P7 “You forgot already?” I like this, getting at the consequences of the doppleganger thing that are maybe less obvious. Not sure I have the family dynamics totally right, but J and M are both in foster care, only M’s in foster care because his mom’s been missing for a few days? I’m having a hard time suspending my disbelief that the foster care system would act that quickly (although who knows, maybe I’m just wrong). Also, I would assume then that M’s mother and J’s mother (or foster mothers?) aren’t the same person? Overall: The premise is interesting and the first scene is evocative for sure (though I thought at several points that the main character was taking things extremely well), but I feel so like the narrator has basically been wandering through the chapter letting things happen to him so far, and I don’t have a good idea of how these very different threads (dopplegangers and missing parents) tie together. I feel like I’m missing a driving force so far. My other thought is that the contrast between what J’s life is normally like and what it’s like after his doppleganger is potentially interesting, but it’s hard to fully appreciate since we haven’t established a “normal” for this story yet. Although story certainly did get right to the moment where everything changes.

Sorry for the late reply. Go right ahead! I'm hoping to get caught up over the next few days...

@Ace of Hearts Excellent, thank you for this!

Go for it!

As I read: The first line is a bit of a mouthful. There’s potential for some good imagery and a good hook, but I stumbled trying to follow it. “Shirts turning white” Are the shirts actually changing colour? Or is this meant to convey how fast the kids are moving? As I read, I find myself sometimes getting confused as to whether “the girl” refers to the POV character, or the image of herself that she is seeing. By the third page or so, I’m getting antsy for more information about what the girl is attempting to do. There was a very early, very broad hint about “academic value” and that she didn’t expect to be shown her own story, but no information about what the goal is (or whether she is any closer to achieving it) beyond that. Also curious about how she feels about the stuff she is being shown/reminded of. P5 “under the guides” guise? P6 “…the universe-famous crystal fountain parks made…” stumbled on this line. I think it might be because of the reference to “the right” materials, I was expecting technical details about worldbuilding or something. P8 “Hugging in public isn’t illegal… just as it wouldn’t have been illegal if she had participated n the protest” nicely done. P9 okay, whoa, was not expecting the story to take such a disastrous turn. The last line of the scene on page 9 is great, but it would be really helpful to get some hints of this kind of turn earlier in the narrative. This could be hints based on POV or even just more ominous language leading us to expect a disaster. Threading this through the narrative might also help keep up the tension in some of those earlier spots. P10 “…starving and ready to die.” I actually feel a little more prepared for this mindset due to the couple references to “for the rest of her life” we’ve gotten, but yeah, I think more preparation for the disaster will also help bring this home. “The girl is once again walking…” Oh. Well, this is horrifying. Overall: I really enjoyed this piece! Although I was a little thrown by the turn towards the end, I was also fully engaged in the last few pages. Like Ginger and Mandamon said, I don’t think there’s anything particularly ambiguous about it: it’s a good tragic romance and I appreciated the way you threaded the horrors of colonization into the piece. It’s true that I doubt anyone who hasn’t read the novel will understand what “calamity” actually means here, but I don’t think that matters; you gave the information that was necessary to the story in front of us. I touched on this in my LBLs, but I think a few hints seeded into the earlier parts of the narrative will help keep the tension up and prepare us for the turn at the end of the story. Even just a couple lines over the first few pages will probably do it. Other than that, there were a few image-heavy lines where I stumbled because the phrasing was just confusing. In a story like this, for longer sentences, don’t be afraid to break sentences up until multiple clauses etc more than you normally would. In addition to helping with clarity, it can be a fun way to play with prosody and rhythm, which you can also get away with more of in a story like this. (Am I saying that because this is something I actually do all the time, personally? Listen. You can’t prove anything.)

Sigh. This is gonna have me adding more words to this thing again, isn't it. "Even xanier" on the way. Thanks for the comments!

P3 I lol’ed at the comment about “her second favourite atom.” It does indicate there’s a bit more of a scientific bent to the world than we’ve seen so far though. My mind is starting to wander a bit as they argue about who should answer the door. I don’t quite get the dread they all seem to have about it… or why, if they don’t want to answer the door so badly, they don’t just decide to ignore it and let the person at the door leave a pamphlet or whatever. P7 I guess it’s not a super confidential letter, since the messenger so cheerfully agreed to summarize what it said? Overall: I’m enjoying some of the character stuff here, but like the others I’m also uncertain about where the story goes next. We’re being told S is still a threat, but L still has S prisoner? Is she just choosing not to do anything about that? Is she going to tell A this? Etc. How real is this threat about sending L back to hell, and how does it tie into what has so far been the main story about defeating/destroying S?

I’m sympathetic to A’s plight and L’s worry for her, but I’m not really sure how worried I should be. In a previous chapter A referenced that she would pay for the power she was using later, but there wasn’t much more info than that. Is this a life-threatening situation, or is it more of a “this, too, shall pass?” P4 “For now, L was alive” so she’s lucid dreaming, then? P6 “When she opened her eyes” at first, I thought this meant the dream was over, I was confused when that turned out not to be the case. Also, this seems to be referring back to what we saw in the very first chapters before S attacked, when A was supposed to be getting ready to perform for someone. It could be WRS, but that thread seems to have been completely dropped in the meantime. P7 “A wet slurping noise filled the air. Her skeleton…” ewwww. I’m… not quite certain how this dream scene is supposed to make me feel? For one thing, the demons, the talking skeleton, etc, seem quite new compared to anything that’s come before. But mostly, it’s presented in a way that’s actually quite funny, but I think I’m supposed to be horrified/afraid for A because of this threat. “Both” is definitely possible, but tough to pull off—I think I’m lacking a sense of how seriously to take the threat behind the semi-humorous presentation of the scene. I do love the scene ending on “confidently out of tune,” though. P10 “No, not venomous; you just couldn’t…” LOL. I made the opposite joke in one of my stories once! Wait, have we met the exes before? I thought L was going to be dropping in on them unexpected, but it sounds like they’ve all discussed this? Edit: It’s me from the future (p14 or so) and definitely getting mixed signals about how long it’s been since L has seen these people. I’m a bit lost in the stuff about true magic, souls, curses, etc. Some of it may be WRS, but this is another area where I feel I don’t have enough information to appreciate the stakes. P13 “…you have my official permission.” Really curious about what’s going on with the narration. This is definitely setting an expectation for me that the oddities of the narration will somehow tie into the rest of the story, rather than just being there to be funny. This conversation between L and V is the first indication that “breaking A’s curse” as opposed to just living with it is a thread we might be pursuing. Overall: I was most engaged through the last section where L visits her exes. I thought the humorous narration worked mostly well throughout, though as mentioned, I definitely have the expectation at this point that we are going to discover the narrator is somehow A Thing. The thing I’m struggling with most is, I don’t really have a sense of where we’re going from here. We’re early-ish into the book but seem to have accomplished the characters’ original mission of defeating S. Should we be expecting S to come back bigger and badder? I don’t know that that’s an expectation that’s been set. Meanwhile, we have a bunch of new stuff—whatever is going on with the dream demon band, suddenly breaking A’s curse seems like it might be a story goal where it really wasn’t before, L’s relationship with her exes who we may or may not have met before, and whatever’s going on with A’s violin playing, which was introduced early on and then didn’t advance until suddenly being brought up again. So… pretty much with Ace and Mandamon on this one, again: there’s good stuff happening, but it’s not quite clear what is advancing the story or how, and some of it probably needs to be seeded in earlier.

lol yeah, it was meant to be a little ridiculous, I'll see if I can find an opportunity to telegraph that a little more without sacrificing the pacing. Yes, it is! Although you have just prompted me to google why. (And it's not just a black hole thing; it seems some have asterisks and some don't.) Apparently one of the people who co-discovered it assigned the asterisk after coming to the determination that there was a compact radio source at the galactic centre and that this radio source was "exciting" (in a scientific sense, not an emotional sense). He added the asterisk to the name because apparently scientists note the excited state of atoms with an asterisk... so "excited" iron for example, whatever that entails, is Fe*. Note, I am not an astronomer, and probably mangled that explanation. Anyway, I thought there was a line in there that actually states that Sgr A* is the centre of the Milky Way. I'll double-check it didn't get inadvertently cut in revisions. I've made some changes. Thanks for the comments! Also this made me laugh out loud

I swear I'll catch up eventually! As I read: P1 “M held his breath… nothing to worry himself over.” I’m interested here because it’s the first real hint of emotion we’ve gotten—something doesn’t seem to be correct?—but I’m not quite certain this is the impression I’m supposed to get. Edit: by the end of page 2 it definitely seems that something is not-quite-right. I’d love to see/feel a few more ominous hints that all is not well. They don’t even have to be explicit, they could be things like creepy or alarming imagery, etc, to support the slightly more explicit references that things aren’t quite what they seem. Basically, I’d love to read this and think “oh no, what here is going wrong?” as opposed to “am I reading this wrong?” P3 “Princess O and the others…” Interesting hint here. “Though I’m sure you…” Oooh, I wonder who else M (presumably the narrator is still M) is talking to? P4 “O followed M through the halls…” Blocking confusion. I thought she was stuck on the throne? P5 Oh, huh, so M is not the narrator after all… P6 Another brief confusion at the mention of “test runs,” but maybe I was just incorrectly imagining her ascension to the throne as an all-or-nothing thing. P8 “This time, M saw when he looked.” I stumbled here at first, but I think it’s more a reflection of my overall uncertainty of what’s happening in the story than this particular line, which, on reread I think I get what it’s going for. At this point, I don’t feel like I have enough information to appreciate the conversations between M and O in the last few pages before the ark restarts. We’ve learned a bit more about the history between the two of them and L (although I’m confused there too—who killed whom, and who is powering the throne?), but not more about what is currently happening or what it means. And that seems to be the foundation on which the ending is built. I don’t think you have to provide every answer, but like @Mandamon and @ginger_reckoning suggested, I think a little more clarity will help solidify things. As for whether you’ve made this a “literary” story, that’s so subjective that I think it can only really be answered in relation to what you’re trying to achieve. If you’re specifically looking to elevate your prose—it reads well and nothing stood out as particularly purple, so you’re already partly there. If what you want to focus on is the prose, you have the potential to maybe have more fun with the imagery—the Cal. water and psyglass could both be visually spectacular—or the voice, by leaning into the unusual narration a bit more. Structure is another way stories often signal literary fiction as a genre (and literary fiction is a genre) so one option is to lean on the frame tale more. And/or just lean on the themes a little harder, which can happen in a bunch of different ways. Basically, as you’re revising, just emphasize the parts of the literary fiction genre that interest you most for this particular story.

Hi all, Thread for the new version of the extremely silly space opera that some of you have seen before. Tagged for violence and language, though it's all pretty mild. Thanks as always for any comments!

Please do!

Sounds good. Three slots left - any other takers?

Okidoke, I'm going to claim a slot for myself on December 2 just to make myself stop poking at the damn thing. Hope everyone's NaNo is going well!

Congrats, this is exciting!

Similar thoughts to @Ace of Hearts and @Mandamon this time around... I’m not a copyright lawyer, but I have a very hard time imagining anyone getting issued a DMCA for this joke. As for the joke itself, I like the concept, but it does feel like it’s relying a heavily on the irreverent tone more than the actual content (funny descriptions/contrast to the original/what have you). It does feel too long for the substance that’s there, especially in the first couple paragraphs. The third paragraph was more engaging but I’d sort of forgotten about the joke by the callback at the end. P4 Okay, I appreciate the “four quick shots broke the silence. They didn’t break S” line. So S is letting L reload her weapon because… it doesn’t think she’s a threat? P5 “unable to focus and thus aim for the throat” lost the thread of the action here and had to double-check to see who was aiming for whose throat… I’m getting a little more invested as this fight goes on and S seems to be slowly twigging to the fact that it might lose, but in the early part of the chapter it was so confident it was hard to feel tension—especially without knowing anything about whether L and the rest of the group had a particular plan. L’s villain monologue—and it really does feel like a villain monologue—is fun with some good lines, but goes on a bit long. I started to wander by the end of it. Overall: The showdown between S and L is interesting, but by the end of the chapter I wasn’t really sure who I should be rooting for. And I’m struggling a bit with L’s plans for S—I think partially because it’s rather abstract (does she have a plan beyond “you will redeem yourself”?), and partially because we don’t really have a sense of the horrible things she has to atone for and why she thinks this will somehow achieve that.

P2 Are monsters a usual occurrence? Even considering his current state, B seems to be taking this very well. P7 “I lied about the choice…” yeah, was wondering about that. At this point I am really wondering why S does what it does. “She hadn’t failed, at least not yet” I’m also wondering again what makes this moment different, since it’s been implied that there have been a bunch of instances like this over the course of the montage we got earlier. Does this city hold some special significance, is there a reason A thinks she’s more ready than any of the moments before, etc? “I can take care of the monsters on the ground” – looking forward to seeing this, we really have no idea what her abilities actually are! P12 “there would be a cost to this, of course” I really like this ideas a narrative arc, but it doesn’t feel very threatening yet because I don’t have idea what that cost actually entails. P14 “plus a few extra [swords] she picked up off the ground” uhh, does she have multiple swords in each hand then? “L’s face looked at her with horror.” I like this twist. Overall: I enjoyed the action, but don’t quite feel grounded enough to make this chapter effective (I agree with the comments that the chapter about B was moreso!). I don’t know enough about the magic and its costs, so the magic doesn’t feel it doesn’t feel threatening. And I sort of touched n this in my LBLs, but I feel like I don’t quite know what led to this moment being the important one as opposed to any of the other atrocities S has committed/any of the other conflicts A's apparently had with it. I was more engaged at the second part of the chapter, when everything seems to be going A’s way and she’s suddenly faced with her mother’s face. It was a good way to reward the “she’s so unstoppable, something must be about to go horribly wrong” setup. And, I feel like we learned something interesting about S’s powers (in that it has to “keep” bodies around to make use of them apparently).

Love the ending line of Ch3. It almost feels like everything up to now should be a prologue or at least a Ch1 though—the end of the first chapter could have been an inciting incident, and now we’ve hit something again that feels like it could be an inciting incident, because this is the moment the characters decide they’re finally ready to take on the monster (or at least, it’s the first attempt worth showing on the page). Ch4 – I’m enjoying the tone here, but it’s definitely a shift, much more akin to what was in the prologue than the last few chapters. P3 but, I love the detail of people applauding “diligently” P6 This person laughing at the people coming into the gate sets him up as a not terribly sympathetic character. But also, I sort of have the impression he just let someone doing something illicit get by him? P7 “…to revoke the light’s healing powers on this creep” I don’t quite know what that means. Edit: But, considering what happens to this guy, I guess it doesn’t matter much. Overall: I’m really eager for A to get to actually fighting S and see what happens. It feels like we’ve been driving towards that for a while now, but haven’t yet actually arrived! The biggest thing I noticed was the shift in tone between the two POVs. I enjoy the humour of the chapters that feature S, but it’s definitely inconsistent with the chapters from A’s POV… and stands out a little more now that the “humorous” tone seems to happen in chapters that feature S regardless of whether S is actually a POV character at the time. I’m not sure yet if there is a larger picture about who is narrating or not, but I’m interested to find out.

Sounds good, you're both on! Assuming I manage to get caught up on crits and some revision, who knows, maybe I'll have a sub for November

“…with P’s [gravestone] farther out.” So just gravestones, then, since P’s death was a minute ago and they wouldn’t have his body. I guess they’re just making gravestones for their own crew, this isn’t a larger site for all soldiers? I’m curious about where they got the land and whether there was a fight about it, though you sort of hint at that with the comment about segregated graveyards. “I appreciate how much effort you put into supporting G…” This line was a bit of a surprise for me, since G hasn’t really been a major character and then we skipped over the two weeks, though G did seem to be having a bit of a rough time. P2 “…back at square one.” I would think part of the task is making a plan in case that exact thing goes wrong… but also, is Xan in charge of all the soldiers now, beyond the characters we’ve met over the course of the story? So uh, call me a pessimist but this “property transfer” thing seems like a civil war waiting to happen… P9 “…by looking for a soldier to be interested in.” So… did this not happen before? Don't get me wrong, I love the gay-as-default thing you've got going here, but this can't be completely new, can it? P11 “You didn’t warn me that you were no fun at all…” lol! Agree, though maybe that's part of the point, since these characters have so little experience in that regard. The only other comment I have is that the epilogue feels like it hits a lot of the same emotional beats as the wrap-up in the previous chapter. Huge congratulations on finishing this draft!

I think the scene itself works pretty well as a wrap-up, particularly the latter parts that are a bit more character-focused. I did find my attention wandering a bit in the early parts of the chapter that was more exposition-heavy. I think that making sure some of this is set up and foreshadowed in the early bits, so we can enjoy the resolution, will make a big difference. So, similar thoughts to @Mandamon – it’s mostly about looking at what information you give us where and moving some of it to earlier in the story. The interaction between A and X I thought worked well. I think in these last couple chapters it feels more clear that he’s a major supporting character, as opposed to previous chapters where there are so many characters to keep track of that’s hard to tell who I should be spending the most attention on, as a reader. Looking forward to the epilogue!

Go ahead. Any other takers?