kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ
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The Addams Family at RMS has officially closed.
Today was... very incredibly emotional and rather eventful.
Lots of tears from me tonight. Lol.
Alright, let's do this in chronological fashion.
First of all, I got to the school around 12:45 and changed quickly, time FLEW by before our show. I also wore bright red lipstick today instead of the more pink one and I liked it a lot better. Anxiety levels were way way way lower than last night, and it was probably our best show, though the audience was much smaller.
After the first show, almost everyone went to YoYoBerri, but I was just going to stay at the school until my director offered to drive me there, so I thought why not? That was fun, and I got a strawberry cheesecake shake. It was delicious
Our second show came by in a flash; we all slipped back into our costumes and were backstage pretty quickly after ice cream. I started crying but was able to pull it together before my entrance, though my acting felt... stale, almost. I was really disappointed in myself. I promised myself I would have a comeback in Full Disclosure, but I was really struggling to fully be Alice. That made me pretty upset, since this was our last show, and it would be my last chance to ever be her.
After Full Disclosure, we had a 15 minute intermission.
During intermission, my director came into the locker rooms and was telling everyone good job. I was picking at the stickers on my IronFlask, feeling rather dejected. I'd discovered a personal struggle within myself that day, and I knew that my little loophole to pushing it away would disappear today. I was just super super sad to be on our last show as well, and I was rather disappointed in my performance up until that point. Apparently it showed on my face, and my director asked if I was okay. That pushed me over the edge, and I just started crying but nodded anyway.
"Are you sure?
(through tears) "Yes."
Obviously, I wasn't alright, and he knew it. So he left, but a few minutes later, he came back.
"I brought you an ice pack and a water bottle just in case."
(sobbing) "Thank... you--" *taking the proffered objects, then standing up because I need a Firkins hug*
*he hugs me tight* "That was for sure your best Full Disclosure. And I don't lie."
"Thank you."
"And all these emotions are totally natural to be feeling. Just let yourself feel them, okay? It's totally normal and okay to be feeling this way."
"Okay."
That lasted until my tears stopped and my breaths were even. But most importantly, he didn't tell me that everything was okay and that I shouldn't be crying or even try to distract me like my friends did. I appreciate their efforts, but I just needed somebody to let me cry, just to be there and support me while I felt. My director did that.
We finished the show, and the tears just came again. Caroline, a 7th grader, came up to me after the show and told me, "[realname], I just wanted to tell you that you're a really good singer and actress and just an incredible person and I'm going to miss you so much next year." As you can imagine, the waterworks came back and she hugged me. "I'm going to miss you a lot."
"Thank you" seemed to be the only two words I knew how to say tonight.
After that, a few friends and I went to McDonald's and hung out for a while, chatting and eating foodstuffs. I went back to the school after that (it was about 10 by now) to help tear down the set. Of course it was my director who assigned me to be his "person to run things back to the choir room". Starting with chairs that I got put away before my dad came by to pick me up. Before I left, my director gave me another hug and said, "Thank God I convinced you to join the musical."
That made me feel so good.
Now I'm mourning the loss of Alice, trying not to cry as I write this. {EDIT: I am crying.} I no longer get to escape to that world, I no longer get to be the boyfriend's mom who rhymes when she feels. I no longer get to be Mal's wife, I won't probably ever get to hold his hand or link my arm through his again. I won't ever laugh because everything Gomez says is absolutely hysterical. I won't ever again be the girl in the yellow dress who makes the dinner party memorable. I'll never get to escape to that world again. And I'm going to miss it so much.
And the personal struggle inside me... isn't it strange how just a few touches can make you fall for somebody? Just a few touches and a few words, and your heartstrings wrap themselves around the idea of you and them. Before you know it, you're waiting for the one time you pass in the halls and maybe exchange a word or two, if you see them at all. Before you know it, you envy anybody who might have a chance of taking them away from you.
It's especially difficult when you're playing parts that allow/require you to touch and talk to that person every day--and then suddenly-
Vamoosh. Gone.
I became so close with this person, but I won't interact with them a lot past this. I know it was an act but my heart hates it. I know they're dating someone else and that I should be happy for the both of them but my heart doesn't want to allow it. I know that he does not feel like this. But I do.
I have to keep reminding myself that he's hers and she's his. I'm not even part of the equation.
It wasn't real.
None of it was real.
It was an act.
Act.
Act.
My heart can't seem to understand that word.
How strange.
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Ah, Kajsa. The end of a show is one of the hardest things. You know it's coming the second you see the cast list, and then no matter how much fun you have, no matter how well you do, it always comes and snaps shut and ruins everything. You've built friendships that are suddenly gone. You've had a second home, a second family, a place where you can lose yourself and forget everything else. And then it's gone, and it hurts, every single storming time.
But it's always worth it. Don't get so wrapped up in the bad that you forget all the joy the play has brought you. Even if you're still crying days, weeks, months after closing night, it's worth it.
Your director sounds amazing. It really is a good thing he convinced you to do that show. I'm glad you enjoyed it, glad you did so well.
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Kajsa, you are an amazing person, and from what you've told us, so is your director.
I'm not a theater kid, but I think I know how you feel when you talked about the end of your show and how you felt. I can easily get emotionally attached to things in a short amount of time, and once i know that that person/thing/event isn't going to come back, i feel similar to how you feel/felt after the end of your show.
And with your heart, they may not have felt the same connection on the level that you did, but that's okay! Like how everyone else said- I'm sure that they still had fun being in the musical with you. <3
It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to cry. But don't let yourself forget all the fun you had during this show. Make it memorable, keep it memorable. <3
We'll always be here for you and we care about you. Keep being an amazing person, Kajsa. You're already so good at it! <3 You got this.
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Thank you for all the support, you guys. It means a lot to me. <3
My director is honestly one of the best people I know. I think it helps, too, that he's younger--only about 24, so he really knows how to help us. He cares about all of us so much. He's... he's just incredible and I really love him.
Leaving the show has to be the hardest thing I've ever done. For some reason, it's even harder than leaving show choir was. I fell hard for the show and I fell hard for Mal--strange, seeing as how at first it was incredibly awkward. He is the most kind, gentle, caring boy I know. He is also an incredible singer and actor, and he's handsome. And because I fell in love with what wasn't real, when it ceased to exist, I shattered. It's weird, thinking I'll never see him in that suit again, and if I do, it'll be for her. The suit and tie he got to match my dress because Mal loves Alice. And because now we can't be Malice anymore, I'm feeling rather... stuck. And empty. Lots of empty. I actually cried myself to sleep last night because of it, which is probably silly. But is this what heartbreak feels like? AAAAAAAhhahahahahahahahahaha I feel like I'm in one of those forbidden romance novels xD
I won't ever let the sadness overshadow the happiness. Though the memories will always be gilded with a bittersweet pain, I won't ever forget a single moment of this show.
- \/ -
I just realized that I got so wrapped up in my lamenting heartbreak Malice rant that I forgot to tell y'all about the more eventful parts of the evening. To understand what happened, you have to first understand the set and the set's backstage. You've all seen pictures of the set, and if you haven't, you can go find them in a different SU. I'll also just be posting more pictures later today or tomorrow. The backstage has about two feet of empty riser, but it's not backed up against the wall. There's about two-three feet of empty space (the risers are about three-four feet above the ground) between the risers and the wall. So you have to be super careful.
One of our Dancestors (dancer + ancestor = Dancestor) was crossing backstage. He was not careful and he fell and probably broke his foot {EDIT: it's not broken, just sprained pretty badly}. We all heard it, even the sound booth crew and the people in the back heard the crash and the "oooOOOWwww". It was pretty scary, and it was right before the finale. Mal promised me he would be fine and that we just had one more scene and to just pretend like it never happened (I was kind of freaking out a little bit lol). We were able to finish the show, and the Dancestor got to the hospital. It was pretty scary though.
Anyway, that's a wrap! I'll be posting lots of pictures and videos a little later.
fre sha voca do.
