kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

Y'all ever spiral uncontrollably until you feel like you're in Hell and it can't get any worse? That... happened to me today.

Isn't it weird how anxiety whispers just right, pounds on your chinks, makes you feel like absolute crap? It knows right where to hit you.

You're a target, and it's got all your vital spots memorized. It doesn't even have to aim, just shoots and always hits the mark.

And no matter what you do, you can't unstick yourself from the thorns it throws you in--until someone else comes through the thorns to get you.

But you don't want to cause them that brambly pain, that hot, prickling sensation that brings blood to meet oxygen and tears to flow.

You don't want that for them, because you love them too much to hurt them as bad as you hurt.

In fact, you'd rather keep hurting forever than cause them a little pain for just long enough for them to get you. 

You'd rather stay in Hell all by yourself than let them experience it for long enough to drag you out. 

And all the while, you're still not good enough, it taunts. No matter what you do. They don't love you. Why would they love you? You're not even lovable. You're clingy. Hopeless. Overbearing. 

She didn't talk to you today because you're incompetent. Nobody. Loves. You.

And this is what it tells me. Maybe it's why I push my mom away. Maybe it's why I'm jealous of the more likable people. Maybe it's why I hate the girl that shares my name so much, even after she told me I sing like an angel.

Who does that?

Only the unlovable.