The Aspiring Archivist

"am i allergic to myself" - @Shining Silhouette

"...Yes. Least I could do."

"He's an abandoned child. I wasn't going to let him be on his own."

"Why wouldn't I do it?"

"Well, Tacien here apparently decided that he should come to the inn. And then I found him, so now I'm here, and I figured I might as well come along with the other kid so he wouldn't be alone."

This doesn't seem like it's relevant to the group that we are in

If you do the same with a very small orange, it's a cutie pie!

They tend to be good to have, I believe.

Guys I'm lost

No. Why did you decide to join the shard?

Archivist *gasp*

Well I'm doing parkour spiral right now. But maybe in a bit

I don't even know the IP or what version or what's going on

It's up?

Wait we should definitely do a little bit of lore\roleplay

Oh no. We're here for moral support!

"me has drugs"" - @Shining Silhouette

Wow, I think I'm pretty lucky in this space. I've never had gender issues, nor is my sexuality a frequent target of hate and rejection. Plus I don't have to deal with the stress of finding romance. I guess I'm missing out in a certain way, but I don't know what I'm missing so I don't care

It was coherent. Unfortunately, that mess of a post was the culmination of a lot of time digging into my own feelings. And I wouldn't say I feel like a burden, except when I start going on about my problems (woops). More that sometimes it just feels easier to go the other way. But even so, thank you very much for your support. I've seen that strategy before... never really used it. It might have been helpful during the more intense moments, but it's the times of "flatness" or whatever, I guess kind of apathy, that are probably more dangerous. at those points, I'm not upset or really calm either. I think I do deserve to take care of myself, and these issues aren't really rooted in self-worth. But the sense of worth I do have feels like it's lost meaning in those moments and now I'm just doing things because I can almost remember what it was that was fueling me before. I am less certain that other people should have to deal with me. Again, thank you both very much for putting up with this and caring enough to take the time to read and respond.

I can already tell that this is gonna be a long post, so sorry in advance. I couldn't tell you all how I'm feeling anymore. It's not a good feeling, but it's not sad or stressed or anxious. Well, maybe a little stressed. But it's mostly something like tired and also apathetic? And there's a main thing that I want to get to but I'll talk around it a bit first. This was a rough week. A lot of stressful stuff coming up, and trying to deal with it and not really succeeding, as per usual. So, starting with Monday. So during the weekend I procrastinated. I have this thing where I just really want to start to work on something but I put it off and I don't know why, and that kind of forms a cycle of stress and anxiety that hasn't gone away. And so on Monday morning I hadn't finished several things that needed to be done. The night before I had just sort of given up, and now in the morning I was feeling insanely nauseated due to stress. I almost threw up once and was unable to eat all of my breakfast, which forced a confrontation with my mom. So I admitted that I was feeling stressed but not nearly all of what's been going on for months now. But overall it was a good thing to kind of release that, and I might be getting therapy soon which is a long time coming. So it seemed positive enough, even if I still felt awful and nauseated through the day until I finally worked up the courage to message my teacher about it, and she seemed pretty understanding and set up a time for us to discuss. And so at this point it looked like things were getting better because some of the stuff that had been building up for the past weeks was unraveling a little. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I was feeling better. And so Tuesday comes around, and not much changes. Then Wednesday, and I get the first bit of this weird feeling when I'm out in the cold in the middle of the school day. There's a bunch of stuff going on, and I'm just sitting in the middle of the quad, on my computer, talking to Silh about it a little. Just this funny feeling that's hard to describe. And the evening comes after that and I again really struggle to get stuff done that night and end up waking up super early to get that done but I do, at least. But it's still a bad feeling and you get the point. But it's here on Thursday morning before I've finished the work that the main thing happens. There's this bottle of allergy-type pills on my bedside table, and I'd been thinking sort of idly for the past while about what would happen if I just took a bunch. And maybe it was just wondering if it would be easier or just a weird intrusive thought, but I dumped a bunch of tablets in my hand and held them up to my mouth for a second. Then, not thinking much more than turns out I'm not doing that yet, I put them back and went back to work. So that's the big thing. And I'm not sure if it's as bad as I'm making it sound, but that's what happened. And I don't really feel anything about it. It's not hugely concerning to me, and I don't know if I might do it again at some point or go further or never do it again. And I don't really care. I still go through the motions and try to do what I should and I have happy moments but then when I think about that moment and what might have happened every connection I have to my life and the people in it and anything of value I might hold on to loses meaning. It's really hard to describe. It is a mental space where I don't understand how my mind used to work, or if it ever was different, or if something should be changed. But it is something, I think. And so later that day I went to the meeting with that teacher and turn's out it didn't go so well. And maybe because it's on my mind my angry and upset thoughts take a dark turn into the realm of self-harm, although there's nothing I really try to do or intend to do. And that was the most acute feeling aside from momentary joy I've had all week. It's like most of the negative feelings have been flattened somehow. And then in study hall I realized that the assignment from that morning didn't submit and I was stressed. The teacher saw that I was stressed and I told her what happened and she told me to email the teacher. But this was the teacher that I had just had that confrontation with and I wasn't able to get myself to do it. And she saw that something was wrong and offered to talk about it, and I felt like I wanted to cry but I said no and I haven't talked about it to anyone in real life. And that was the second most acute negative emotion of the week. And a lot of the time I almost feel almost normal like my thoughts and feeling are moving at the right pace but it's always a little wrong and I'm always thinking about what happened, or what almost did. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of trying to figure out where I really am as I go. It's a weird state of operating almost normally but the feeling of engagement and real-ness driving it all isn't quite there. Finally today just a bit ago I was at youth group and a bunch of people asked me how I was and I said alright even though I know I'm not. The way I'm thinking and talking about this now is completely distinct from my logical understanding of how it should be but it also brings up the emotions a bit more to write all of this. So what's the takeaway? I'm really broken somewhere, I think. Something deep down there is wrong and I'm not quite sure what but it's affecting my whole consciousness in ways I can't fully process or describe. And I got closer than ever before to the worst-case scenario, though I can't quite decide how important that is. This whole post is a mess. I'm a mess, but I don't feel it. I'm just a flat plane of emotion and thought and I know that doesn't make sense but that's what comes to mind. And sometimes there's little spikes of good or bad or little reminders of what's behind the veil, and nothing much outwardly has changed at all except for in those moments because otherwise I'm just on autopilot but not. Wow this is going to be hard for you all to read. Probably a bunch of spelling and grammar errors in there too. Well, closing remarks. I'm writing this because I want to be open and honest and get this out there. And maybe one of you can help me find what the source or whatever is for this, or maybe not. And I've been talking about my problems to some people for weeks now and I don't feel like I should keep doing that because they have their own stuff to deal with. So this is out for everyone, now, and I'll maybe try to slow down. I've got a break week now, so that's good and probably means I'll be less likely to approach that bottle again, or maybe it'll be the same. It's worse when I'm alone. Sorry again. And... take care of yourselves.

TAAron slashed out with his blade, Pushing away from her and continuing to fall. Just a couple seconds and it's over. @The Wandering Wizard