Thanks! People's opinions are why I'm sharing this in the first place!
I think the problem with the thoughts thing is that the italics did not transfer from my google doc to the Shard, which I hadn't realized. I'll fix that right now, and you can skim over it again to get a better idea of what was what. And the transition thing makes sense. I'm not the best at making stuff flow, really. Hopefully that can be improved in the event of later drafts.
Thanks again!