shortcake

 

10 PM Spiraling

it's 21:53

and I..

don't want to sleep.

I just don't feel like sleeping.

I should be tired,

considering im running

on very little sleep.

I dont really know

if im tired or not, but i

dont want to sleep

either way.

granted, i dont think

i know anything anymore.

everything is numb.

Not physically, just mentally and emotionally.

Everything is a blur to me at this point.

Every day is just

another pain

waiting to

eat away at me

at my soul

if i even have one,

that is.

The little birds

are screaming at me

i can hear them

but they're foggy, too.

they seem

distant.

i

seem

distant.

 

do people worry about me?

If im not in my usual

upbeat

happy

bubbly

chipper mood,

do they hesitate to

joke around with me?

to just be around me in general?

 

there go the birds again

giving up on me

just like always

 

they keeping chirping at me

telling me to not take on such heavy burdens

but if

if i listen

they'll be people

that i could have saved

like her-

him

Chloe-

Charlie.

my best friend

crazy

silly

eccentric

just like me

and she-

he-

is gone in an instant.

just

like that.

i could have saved them.

i could have saved all of them.

But i didn't.

 

I didn't help

the ones who

truly needed it

and because of that

ive forgotten how to help

at all.

 

a little birdie once told me

that if i didn't

get my act together

i would be leaving

my home

my friends

my school

my everything.

 

I didnt listen.

 

ended up being gone for over 6 months

Wednesday,

November 10th, 2021

10:23

all the way to

Tuesday,

May 17th, 2023

13:48

the worst 188 days of my life.

 

Instead of spending it

with family and friends,

i spent my golden birthday

in a psych ward.

that i gathered zero benefit from

 

they said

we would never

see the people in there

ever again once we left

the birds lied then.

 

i see this one bird in particular

every day at school

in the halls

messing around

getting in trouble

breaking things

causing havoc

 

has pink-ish

almost maroon-colored feathers

in an odd placement on her head

looks similar to a raven

very territorial

tends to mock other birds

very mean

 

she learned how

to make smoke rings

when she got out

of that hell-hole

 

i keep thinking

i'll wake up

back in that dark room

that connects to that dark hallway

that is still somehow brighter than i'd like

 

i keep thinking

i'll never be the same

the fun-loving girl

who always seemed to be tinkering with something

the girl with crazy ideas

 

but i worry to much

i should stop worrying all the time

i want to

i really do

but i also dont want to sleep

because i know

that one of these days

i'll be lost forever

and no one will know where I am

but they wont be too worried

until the school intercom will come on

ready to make the announcement

of the fourth one this school year

and then people will feel guilty

whether because they think they triggered it,

or because they didnt know what was happening

or because they wish they could have helped

 

but that not happening right now

for now,

i must sleep.