ThroughTheLivingSequence

Update on my previous SU, from research on dissociation I’ve come to a few semi-conclusions.

The types of the condition that seem to fit me best:

Derealization

• See objects changing in shape, size or colour
• Feel detached or separate from the world around you
• See the world as 'lifeless' or 'foggy'
• Feel like you're seeing the world through a pane of glass
• Feel like you're living in a dream
• Feel as if other people are robots (even though you know they aren't) 

This fits me in the way that I sometimes feel detached or separate from the world in the way that I feel alone. When you think of the standard “oh I feel so alone” you probably think like “nobody understands me or my struggles”. For me, it’s more like I just feel almost literally alone. Like what I’m experiencing is just separate from everything else. I interact with others and “pass into their reality” but most of the time I’m the “sole survivor”, so to say. I think this could be do to the fact that I seldom tell people (even people I’m close to) about my problems and that may have sort of closed me off a bit to the rest of the world. Mentally, at least. I don’t really experience the other bits of derealization though.

Dissociative Amnesia 

• Have gaps in your memory where you can't remember certain events
• Not be able to remember information about yourself or your life history
• Forget how to do something you’ve been able to do well in the past
• Find that you have items that you don't remember ever owning

For me it’s just massive gaps in my memory. I’ve always chalked it up to me just having bad memory, but when I really think about it, it feels kind of weird. Like when I’m just looking back on life, I have difficulty remembering anything that isn’t one of my few very distinct memories. When people bring something up, I can sometimes recall my participation in it or whatever but I seem to not remember a lot of stuff that friends and family remember fondly. Right now, in all 23 years of my existence I can probably tell you about 15 of my most significant experiences. My life has been perfectly average but by no means boring, so that seems off to me. Anyways, thanks for reading if you did, if you have anything to say or add it would be appreciated.

TLDR: Dissociative amnesia and Derealization are two forms of Dissociation I believe I am experiencing and I will continue to research and learn about it!