Thaidakar the Ghostblood
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I feel like I want to throw up mentally.
Blargh.
This week has been...
rough.
I've been doing faaaaar less than I should be.
And yet I feel super tired. I just feel out of it sometimes and just can't focus no matter how much I know I should focus. it's just so annoying... I know that if I could just zone in and do it, I could get stuff done, I could make it so I can get several things of school done in one day, do what I need to do, get back to doing other things, get a handle on it all.
I know I can do it.
I just...
haven't for some reason.
And I just can't.
I just can't.
I want to, but I can't.
It feels as if once I started to try and make the responsible decisions (I'm not saying they're the right decisions for everyone, but for me, personally, they had to happen) such as leaving the MC rp community, stopping WoT, deciding that I would try to do more school... it just all started crashing down. It's been crashing down since this summer and it's just like why.
I want to be able to do it all, I want to be able to handle everything in a healthy way and be able to do what I can do. The thing that I really think could help is hanging out with friends and family. I really want to be able to make time for them all, but how can I when I feel like I need to get more school done because I can't storming focus, I want to get back into reading more, I want to squeeze time in to write somehow, I make mistakes every now and then-
It's like the key to stop doing things that I don't want to do and start doing what's good and focus is to, ya know, just do it.
I just really need to turn the next week into two or three weeks so I can just process life and make time for everything.
Maybe, as a homeschooler, I can make it so I get more sleep by moving seminary to second period, but then I wouldn't see my friends.
argghhhhh.
Why are Friday and Saturday like this? Why do I just die inside every time..?
I'm sorry for fire hosing this at y'all, I just...
aaaaaghhhhhh
AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH
I can't human anymore.
I just can't.
I've been trying to be optimistic, I've been trying to find ways to be better, to become better. I've been fighting to keep that optimism but it just keeps dying. It keeps failing me and I have to bring it back to life slowly and it's just....
so frustrating.
Life is hard.
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I've heard the metaphor that living in this age is like drinking from a firehose; there's a whole lot there, but it's impossible to get any of it in because there's too much. It's impossible to focus on any one thing when there are a thousand others that need to be done.
And sometimes it does just feel like an endless cycle: struggle, keep struggling, finally try to get better, find hope again, do okay for a day or even two, and then lose it all again. It hurts. It hurts so storming bad. And it never seems to end. I'm sorry. I wish we didn't live in a world that makes it so hard to care. I wish that it weren't so hard to focus, because oh, if we could think what a world it would be.
I feel it too. I feel it in the homework that was supposed to be done 2 weeks ago, in the friendships that should exist but don't, in the mind-numbing exhaustion of a soul grinding against the world daily. I don't know how to change it. We're here, brother, and we care. And God is too, even when it's hard to see Him.
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