RedBlue

I’m glad it’s an improvement. I’ll take your comments on board. Yeah, it’s a specific character flaw that C is not a great judge of character. Thanks for your feedback!

I have revised 2 and 3, still pending another readthrough to make sure I haven't made any glaring continuity errors. Would it be alright to email them to you when I'm done? That's the goal! Thank you for your feedback!

Oof! That’s rough!

I'm glad to hear it! Yeah, in the original version, C was kind of in 'normal life mode' for about the first five chapters or so before realising that something was up and kicking into gear. But the passivity was an issue for enough people that I decided to speed things up and get her to that point sooner. Thanks! It's good to have fresh eyes on it. When I first started posting I was wavering between YA and middle-grade, but advice (which I agree with) was that this is firmly in the middle-grade camp. So it's MG, but the hope is to give it an 'all ages' feel. The cursed land is largely accepted as part of life by the kids, but that doesn't stop them from giving it a certain mystique. I won't comment for now on whether it's allegorical, but reading your guesses was good Thanks for your feedback!

Draft 2 sounds like it was a riot!! Not having read the previous version, I think it was a good call to focus on the world over Ir for chapter one. You can only set up so many things at a time. You can wow me with your characterisation skills in the next few chapters

I'll react to these parts one at a time as I read. The Last Day: I think this is leaning a bit too heavily into being cryptic and mysterious. I don't get what's going on, a bunch of different things are being referenced, and at this point I'm not invested in any characters, plot or world, so I don't have a drive to read on and work out what this is about. If you think it's important to your book to have a cryptic teaser intro, I suggest picking one element to highlight for the reader to latch onto. As it is now, you have a dying world, a dying character, a blade, a goddess, and hints at complicated plot stuff involving belief and a champion. If I found this in a bookshop, then assuming I read past this point, I'm not going to remember all that. What's the one important thing you want me to take away from this passage? House M's Exile: The good news is that the characters' motivations are set up. I know why P and C are hunting the Knights (because the council bad guys will kill them otherwise), and I think I know why the council is going along with this (because it's a win-win situation for them). The dialogue feels archaic, but I think that's what you're going for, and I don't see any big issues beyond the fact that some of it could be trimmed. The bad news is that there's a lot of exposition here that isn't very engaging. The drama of the scene is about these two kids narrowly escaping death by council. The information about the Knights of O, the Monster of M, and the backstory there feels like too much at once, and it's not immediately relevant to the scene. I suggest either moving all that extra info to another point where it becomes relevant, or finding a way to work it in organically. The further bad news is that I don't feel very attached to these kids. From your notes I gather that they're both supposed to be five years old, but from reading it, I got the sense that they were older (like maybe tweens). More importantly, I couldn't tell you much about who they are beyond P being scared and C having a bright idea. I also couldn't tell you much about the councilmen. In aggregate they're clearly a nasty bunch, but individually, I don't have a sense for them. FKs Escape: This works better than the others because it doesn't have the infodump problem. I get a better sense of T's character than I got of the other characters, but it's still mostly a vague impression of a tough, grizzled veteran. I don't know what his larger goals are or what's driving him in general, but it's clear that in this scene he wants to save his buddies. I think the action could do with a little bit of trimming - the part where T is struggling with a series of guards lost my attention a bit. Another point of concern is that I don't know much about the setting. From the weapons being used, I assume medieval-ish, and from the things going on there seem to be widespread political problems in this world. But that's about all I've got. I looked over your timeline - tbh it doesn't make much sense to me. If it's just for your reference then that doesn't matter in the slightest, but if you want feedback on a synopsis/outline, you're going to have to do a bit more explaining of who's who, where's where and why things are happening. As you know, I wasn't around to read your previous submissions, so I can't tell you whether the characters track or not, nor whether the info and events in these three bits are necessary/good in a prologue. But if you are trying to make this into the opening of your book, I think you need to work out how to introduce and get us invested in the protagonist (at least) and the setting.

I'm excited to read this! As I go: p1 - 'both diverse in their species and in their culture' => 'diverse in both their species and their cultures'? (This one might just be me) 'Ca hissed' - hissed makes it sound like she's angry with Ir, which I think isn't what you meant to imply p2 - 'twarted' spelling p3 - I like the paragraph of worldbuilding you have here. It comes at the right time, when I have enough questions about how this world works that I'm ready to read a paragraph of infodump. One question that jumps out at me: are humans considered a totally normal type of 'civilized creature', no different from the civilized cats, dogs, dragons etc? Or are humans special or weird in this world? p4 - Ir has the ability to magically know anyone's name? That sounds like it could come in handy if there starts to be intrigue or spy stuff or things like that! p4 - 'while other businesses sank' p4 - 'recipes burning in her mind' - again, this might just be me, but this seems a little overly dramatic for the situation p6 - 'It had been six months since ... began to occupy the former capital city, B' - I think you can cut these two sentences. They're repeating information we already know. p6 - 'confusion and delight warring within her' p7 - 'Ir preferred hers at her shoulders' p9 - All the political philosophy is starting to lose me at this point p10 - S telling her family that she has joined the Revolutionaries. Before this point, I had some sympathy for S. Now, I think she's endangering her family and possibly forcing them to pick sides by telling them this. If I'm supposed to be wary of S at this point, that's good. p11 - 'I don't want to become one of those parents who has to cremate their own child' - I think you could tighten this up. 'I don't want to have to cremate my own child'? p12 - You reference Ir and S's close relationship, but I didn't see any of that relationship before it goes sour. If I need to be invested in this relationship, I want to see the good times when they like each other and get along. Your questions: 1. I would keep reading, mostly because the world seems interesting. I like magic, I like fantasy creatures, and I like the hook of 'a black unicorn invaded our city, what do we do now'. 2. I think the goals are pretty clear - S and the Revolutionaries want to fight against the occupying force and install an idealistic 'common people' government. Ir (and presumably a lot of other people) want to keep the peace and make the most of a bad situation. It's pretty clear that there is going to be conflict between those two goals, plus the occupying force seems pretty solidly entrenched. The stakes are also clear, especially for Ir - her life is good right now, despite the difficulties, and she wants to protect her family and her restaurant. If the political situation blows up, all of that will probably be destroyed. S references making a better life for her children, but I haven't seen enough of S's or her situation to feel the stakes for her. I kind of wonder whether it's really about a better future for S's kids, or whether S has other, more personal reasons for wanting to fight that she's not admitting. I'm not sure what practical steps S is going to take to fight the BK, or what Ir is going to do about it. It doesn't feel absolutely necessary to know that at this point, but since you have a good two plus pages of characters talking about the political situation on a very theoretical level, it might be worth repurposing some of that page space to discuss more grounded specifics. What does resistance look like from street level, to S? What does accepting the BK's rule and adapting look like, to Ir? We get some of that with the business with the tuna, which is good, but I think you could have more. 3. I think this book is going to be an epic fantasy with lots of magic and politics, probably of the stabby variety. I expect Ir and S are going to oppose each other, and I imagine there will be fighting. Because Ir is framed as the protagonist, I expect her to be mostly in the right and S to be mostly in the wrong, but I don't know if that will translate to 'fighting unwinnable wars is bad' by the end of the book. From the opening focussing on Ir's daily life, I assume that the book will maintain a focus on what ordinary life is like around all the war stuff. Overall, I thought this was very good. The pacing and flow felt on point (other than the long politics talk on pages 8 and 9, which went on too long without saying enough). Ir and the others didn't leave a huge impression on me in terms of personality, but I felt like I understood what I need to know about them at this point. I got a good sense of the world and general situation, and I am interested to see where it goes.

Hello everyone, This is a revision of the first chapter. (I have added chapter breaks and changed the order of a few things to try to help with flow.) I’ve made quite a few changes to some events, and I’ve been trying to fix the problems you have all kindly pointed out (especially with how C is presented), so I want to see if my efforts are working! Questions: 1) Is this version better? 2) Do you feel connected to C? 3) Is it plot-hook-y enough? 4) Any other issues?

@Silk Can you confirm that sniperfrog is good to go this week? Seeing as there’s room for another sub.

I would like a slot too, please

This is good to know. This is a lot of the reason W is a bit cagey around him so I'll need to readjust some things if that reason doesn't hold up. I have to disagree with Mandamon on this one - I don't think that N cheated, but my reasoning is meta. I know I'm reading a romance, N is signposted as the love interest, and misunderstandings are common in this genre while cheating love interests are not, so it would be weird if he did actually cheat. If I were working with the info W has, I wouldn't know enough about N at this point to doubt the general consensus that he cheated. I think it makes sense that she is cagey.

Yeah, this is an issue I've been trying to get sorted as I go through edits - because I know how all this stuff connects, it's not easy for me to track how much the reader is putting together. This is a good point, I'll try to dial stuff up. I'm thinking about submitting the revised version of chapter one next time to see if the changes I've made are working. (Also, I'm putting in chapter breaks since the lack of them was causing problems.)

I really liked this chapter! It's easily my favourite of what I've seen you post so far - I found it engaging throughout, I enjoyed seeing W and A acting like friends who like each other, I dig the intrigue and the weird vibes B gives off, the setup with the evil CEO grandpa showing interest in N's forest gang sounds like it will make for some good conflict later so I'm on board for that, W's character development and having an actual mature conversation with E was good stuff. I know that probably sounds weird and confusing after I expressed doubts about the setup for this chapter last time. But it feels like stuff is happening throughout this chapter, and plot threads and character arcs are moving, so ... shows what I know, I guess Notes about individual characters: B is interesting. I'm not sure what to make of her yet (which I assume is what you were going for). My guess is that either she's processing a lot of trauma in a not-great way, or she is incredibly melodramatic (or both?) A's personality worked for me better here than it did previously. Her 'cool girl' tendencies come off as harmless fun, rather than as manipulation or unnecessary drama as they did before. That makes her more likeable. Showing how she wrangles W's social life in a way that is probably on balance good for W makes their friendship make sense. I think I 'get' E more now. He's prioritizing supporting the people he cares about over his own wellbeing, and refusing to change that even when he's called out on it. I suspect that what he's doing isn't sustainable and things are starting to fall apart on him, even if he can't see that. W calling herself out on her misplaced anger was great, and made me more sympathetic toward her. I like that she has resolved to move on and do better. I'm okay with there being no N in this chapter, because even though he's the A-plot, enough interesting stuff was going on here that I don't mind N's stuff being on the back burner for a bit. Note how I have way more to say about the characters now than I did after reading chapters 2 and 3. I reckon that's the reason this chapter works so well for me where the others felt like they were stalling - there's more going on here. This is where the characterisation really clicks for W, E and A. If you're looking for suggestions, I would recommend either making cuts to previous chapters so we can get to the good bit faster, or figuring out what info you need to convey before this point and put it in the slow chapters to fix their pacing. A few nitpicks: pg2 - 'not nearly as cray as I fear' - 'cray' feels too slang-ish for W's staunchly anti-cool persona pg5 - not sure why W thinks you shouldn't teach a kid to be confident and charming? Presenting yourself well is a useful life skill? pg6 - 'Call it character development' that phrasing is leaning pretty hard on the fourth wall. It breaks up the flow of the scene a bit.

Hey everyone, This is the third chapter. I rewrote some of last week’s to fix the tone problem and issues with C’s reactions, but in terms of plot, there’s nothing new you need to know. Questions for this chapter: 1) Do the characters make sense? Are their thought processes clear and believable? 2) Any tone issues? Recap: Ch1: After C and her friends play on the forbidden cursed land, C notices that the contents of an essay and some old films have vanished. She sees her friend GM burn her cut hair in the Wood Stove, for reasons C doesn’t understand. Ch2: C finds a possibly-magical pair of diamond earrings in the Wood Stove and meets V, a boy who can turn into a raven and claims to have come from outside town to defeat the curse.

Thank you for this insight - I was struggling to know what genre was the best fit. I’m going to settle on calling it middle grade

I would like a slot for Monday, please.

Thanks for the feedback! I’m making some changes to the way C reacts to things, to make her more involved and less naive. I’m also rewriting a chunk to try to fix the tone issues.

I agree with Leuthie here. I think Navani is a great character who absolutely earned her bond with the Sibling. The fact that there were other candidates with valid points in their favour doesn’t detract from Navani’s worthiness. And Navani gets massive props from me for all the work she has done. Not just her work with anti-light during the occupation, but the years she spent organising scientific research. Organisational roles are vital in scientific research and innovation. Getting resources to the right people in the right place at the right time is how it all happens. Finding and sharing relevant information so that people’s findings are actually useful and not sitting around gathering dust. Navani, and everyone like her, absolutely deserve credit.

It's knights with steampunk airships. Over the top combat is what I'm here for! I thought the combat section worked well overall (few nitpicks I'll get to). I liked the inventiveness of how V used the surrounding area to his advantage. One thing about the fight that struck me as a bit weird was that the JH crew managed to clear out all of the boarding pirate crew without any casualties or major injuries on the JH crew's side. I would think they'd have to be massively more capable than the pirate crew for that. And that's odd, given that pirates are presumably not bad fighters. My takeaway is going to be that the JH crew are in a league of their own in terms of combat ability. Yeah, there's a bit of an issue there. While I'm enjoying the action, it doesn't feel like there are wider stakes. I don't know where the plot is going, only that these characters are trying to avoid imminent death. I don't know if I can recommend a fix for this without knowing how the rest of the story plays out, though. Well, Captain V is certainly very cool. This chapter really highlighted how capable and clever he is, which makes me warm to him as a character. His one-liners and general demeanour are fun, too. Sa and Ir are not as interesting. I get that Sa is secretly a robot (or something), but I can't say I feel interested in whatever is going on there. Ir has an empathy gap that might be concerning if the crew didn't seem to have everything under control. This isn't necessarily a bad thing - if these are bit part characters, then it's good that I have a broad-strokes impression of them without wasting too much time on them. But if I'm supposed to be getting invested in these characters, I'm going to need a bit more to latch onto. So, overall, it was a fun chapter that I enjoyed reading, but if I found this in a book I would be starting to wonder what the point was beyond cool airships. As I go: p1-2 - There are two captains here. You might want to introduce B by name right off the bat so that it doesn't risk confusing people. p1-3 - There is a bit too much standing around talking before the fight begins. Some posturing and cool lines are good, but too much can feel like the characters are talking in circles. p4 - 'We're a lot more experienced at this then you are' => than you are. Also, this line isn't as snappy or clever as most of V's other burns. p5 - 'crippling it for the fight' - This reads as awkward wording to me. I usually take 'crippling' to imply more permanent damage. p5 - For the bit where B and V are fighting, you give a fairly dry description of their fighting styles. It would be more exciting if you showed how both of them fight by describing a few moments of the combat. p7 - I'm a bit surprised that the two other pirate ships are attacking, not running away. I would expect them to find an easier target that's less likely to get them killed. p7 - Also, if B was the only thing keeping the other two ships from firing on them, why didn't V try to take him hostage? Seems like a less risky move than killing him outright. p8 - 'ninety percent capacity of standard capacity' - You can remove the first 'capacity' p9 - 'Another one of your plans, captain?' - This is so corny but I like it. Also, should 'Captain' be capitalised as he's being addressed directly? p13 - 'It's guns fired' => Its guns p14 - 'Physics took over' - this might be pedantic, but my brain sees that and goes 'but physics has been there the whole time!' p16 - '... men were injured, from various degrees' => to varying degrees? p17 - I don't think 'abhuman' is a word. If it's an in-universe thing, I think you need to signpost that, or it looks like a mistake.

Thanks for the tip - I forget stuff sometimes!

Thanks for the feedback - this is all good to know and I will take it into account in future revisions. Snakenaps - I’m sure you are a much more capable teacher than the characters in this book The town’s education system definitely has issues and is more about keeping up appearances than actually teaching the kids.

Hi again! This is the second chapter. I made some changes to the opening so that C connects the spooky goings-on to the curse, but other than that the plot picks up where last week left off. Also, after doing some market research, I’ve decided to lean towards calling this YA (not middle grade). No content warnings for this chapter. Specific questions: 1) Is the pacing OK? Were there boring bits? 2) Was it easy to follow? Was there anything you thought you should understand but didn’t? 3) Do you feel that you have an idea where the story is going now? Recap: After C and her friends play on the forbidden cursed land, C notices that the contents of an essay and some old films have vanished. She sees her friend GM burn her cut hair in the Wood Stove, for reasons C doesn’t understand.

I would like a slot, too

Agreed - there are plenty of self-aware teens out there. Especially if it’s other teens that they’re wary of. Re the void of uncertainty with the friendly face - I thought W was musing about religion there. Thinking about how dealing with tragedies in life can drive some people’s faith. To expand on julienreel’s point - I find romances compelling when I understand why these characters need to be together, and why they can’t be (at least, until it gets resolved). That conflict is where the tension comes from.

Thanks for the feedback! I have made some edits to cut down on the extraneous descriptions, to move some character introductions to a later point so they don’t bog down the opening, and to signpost plot stuff better. C now explicitly makes a connection between the curse and the strange goings-on - hopefully this will make her seem a bit more engaged in this section. The points a lot of you make about chapter breaks are good to know. I’m going to put more obvious breaks between sections and see how that works. Some specific issues pointed out (why the Wood Stove gets capital letters, why the population is so tiny) will be addressed later. They tie into some mid-to-late-game plot stuff. Thanks again, this was legit really helpful in pinpointing issues with the plot I felt I had but couldn’t put my finger on.