Goob

I don't think Antarctica would work very well. I mean... why would you want to rule over frozen wasteland?  I feel like there would be one or two Epics whose powers don't mix well with humanity for some reason or another and that would be about it.

12 hours ago, Dannnex said:

i started critting it and then i realized its like 1am and i need sleep, so here's what i got so far. apologies in advance if any of my comments are too blunt or whatever. here's a massive disclaimer that all of it is completely subjective to me, and me is just a guy, so feel free to just ignore it all and do ur own thing, idc. 

i copied it into my own doc so i could comment easier:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XLvMit6jkSYd4yRFIkzozm2XPDuma-5WxriQ77oAUy0/edit?usp=sharing

it's mostly smaller stuff like word-choice, grammar, and sentence structure.

here are the biggest pieces of actual critique i have. if you were gonna ignore everything else, this is what i'd tell you.

1. consistent verb tense, you switch between present and past a lot and it really ruins the flow.
2. be careful not to over describe things. some of your sentences (especially at the beginning) are nearly run-off sentences just from how many adjectives you shove in.

all-in-all i've enjoyed what i've read so far. if you want me to keep critting it lmk, otherwise i think i'll just finish reading it without commenting. 

I swear, for every tense issue I fix 4 more crop up
I've also changed the permissions of the original link so you can critique there. I would like it if you continued, thanks

Hello! This is the first part of a serial story I'm writing. I'm hoping to get parts out monthly, but do not rely on this. I was originally hoping to get this first part out on New Year's Day, but editing took longer than I hoped. Word count for this first part is ~8300 for anyone interested
Contractual Woes Part 1
Enjoy! Criticism is highly appreciated.

1 hour ago, Trutharchivist said:

@Goob (what happened? You're not amazing anymore? I tagged you because you seemingly expressed interest in this.)

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Who's going to be the support group and who's going to be the supported? I'm just somewhat curious how this is going to work as a whole

3 hours ago, Zephrun's Imperium said:

Star laughed. It was a cold, barking laugh, the laugh of a true villain. "'You can relate?' YOU KNOW NOTHING!!" She stood, summoning a silver sword with a gold hilt. "Maverick Oakenwey of Mendahar was worth more than every wretched soul in this Hall."

Spade does not flinch at the blade. "I am inclined to agree. The Narrators of the hall are idiotic and shallow minded buffoons, which is why I left many years ago. Now, could you please lower the weapon?"

A little of the previous disgust creeped back into Spade. Just a mere character created the beautiful misery he saw in this woman's eyes? He found it somewhat pathetic. Still, he could not deny the hurt that this Maverick's death caused.

"If I may," says Spade, "I am sorry for your loss. I can relate to losing something you love."

Spade was silent, but that was concealing a deeper, all consuming emotion:

Spade was astonished.

You could say he was confused, or baffled, or any other synonym, but in the most simplest of terms, he was astonished. He didn't show it, of course- it would quite ruin his stoic reputation- but he could not believe his own two eyes.

For many, many years, Spade had gleefully ruled over his little kingdom away from the eyes of the Narrators. In that time he had become quite adept at reading not only a character's current emotions, but also their overall emotional state. It was practically a requirement to properly revel in their misery, of course.

The trick was to look into their eyes, of course- a window to the soul and all that. He had tried it on the Narrators back at th hall but had gained no results. He had figured it was just an inherent property of Narrators, being so far above characters. 

But this Narrator... Star, was her name...? As he stared into her eyes, he saw a pain he had caused many times before.

The pain of losing the one you love the most.

Lovers torn apart, children taken from parents, magnum opuses burned in front of their artists... That pained flared bright in this Narrator's eyes. But it was impossible! What sort of self respecting narrator would get attached as so?

Emotions churned within Spade. He realized that the flat, plain eyes he had seen from other Narrators hadn't been a failure of his own, or a inherent property of their greater power- it had just been apathy. Such plain, uniform apathy that Spade had mistaken it for something else.

He stood, frozen like this for a couple moments before the astonishment faded away into disgust. What sort of weak, pathetic narrator would stain their own reputation and attach themselves to something like that, then have the AUDACITY to somehow lose it-

His train of thought halted. He would. Him and his kingdom of misery, out on the edge of the world. He internally smiles. A kindred spirit, then. His disgust vanished, replaced by a strange sense of admiration spawned by his self awareness.

Finally, that respect mixed with a strong sense of beauty. That pain- oh, it was wonderful! Compared to the woe of characters, of those fake little pawns down below, it was just so... real. If only he could've seen the event that had caused it. He was sure it would've easily topped anything he had created back in his kingdom. It nearly brought a tear to his eye, just thinking about it. Alas, he couldn't go back in time and watch.

What he could do, however, was figure out what it was. That might be a close second.

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Xino, just to get our side of the story moving might we just assume we got the information we needed?

@xinoehp512

28 minutes ago, xinoehp512 said:

"No," said Grace tersely. "Have patience. If we ask enough people, one of them will be able to tell us more."

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Oh good that's what I thought

"Oh, fine. This feels like finding a needle in a haystack by randomly grabbing tufts of hay, however." He walks up to the closest Narrator to them and asks, once again, if they recognize any of the names on the list.

4 hours ago, xinoehp512 said:

"So... you know nothing, is what you are saying."

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If I get something that happened earlier or some plot thread wrong just tell me, this is all coming straight out of my memory.

Spade blinks confusedly. Something felt off to him, but...
Ah, who cares. 
Spade turns back to the mime accompanying him. "I don't think this is going to lead anywhere, girl. Do we have any other leads on this person?"

17 hours ago, xinoehp512 said:

@Goob

 

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Uh, sure, but I'll need a quick reminder of where we were and what we were doing. I'm pretty sure I'm still in the Hall, but with who?

@Szeth_Pancakes Oh this is cool. Have you heard of the IPA? It's the internationally recognized and standardized chart of all sounds languages make, sorted by where and how in the mouth it's pronounced.  Using it would really help clarify how stuff is said. For example, this line:
O = space (ah) - really, kind of a blend between “ah” and “uh”
Would be easily clarified down to O = /ɤ/, which is a vowel sound between /ɑ/ and /ʊ/ which roughly correspond to "ah" and "uh"
It obviously wouldn't help with nonhuman sounds, but still.

20 hours ago, Szeth_Pancakes said:

 

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I dunno. Suppose people just weren't interested

Just came out of the theater. And I can't wait for the inevitable crossover with Spiderverse- I hope they pull a Roger Rabbit and mix live action and animation, that would be SO fun

2 hours ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

 

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If it isn't one of those or has similar functions, then maybe a "semi-unified central union" isn't the best description of it.

On 11/13/2021 at 10:29 AM, Tani said:

"Ok. Let's go!"

"We better hurry as well, before Jasnah sends a small army after me. Unfortunately, we have to walk all the way back up."

25 minutes ago, Mage said:

I ceased right before I summoned my creative powers. I had been too hasty.

"I apologize for my haste. Perhaps we should all either come to a consensus on what we mean by a human, or simply be the sole inhabitants of this realm. Either way I am itching to create something, but my power has diminished since I summoned this meadow and I can't really create without your help."

 

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Ok our powers aren't fading THAT fast

"Do we have to start with people? I feel like we still have a ways to go. I mean, look up- there's no sky, no sun, no stars. Look down- there's no ground. I don't know what I'm standing on, but it certainly isn't dirt. And, who says we can't get a little creative?"

13 hours ago, Mage said:

"Well, from what I remember of my spiritual journey as a mortal, gods were supposed to comfort and guide the mortals, bless them if they paid homage to the god, and maybe send catastrophic events to punish those who disobeyed them every now and then. Now that I think about it though, there are no mortals to guide, bless, or punish. Perhaps if we all worked in union we could create some. EVERYBODY, listen to me. I need you all to concentrate on creating humans for a moment. Maybe 10 will do for now. Get a good diverse mix, then on my count everyone try to create the people that you picture in your mind."

I really hope that this does not create some kind of twisted creature. It should work if we all work together right? My thoughts were troubled as I began the count down.

"Three, two, one!"

"WAIT!" I yell before the Meditator can finish his countdown. "When you say humans, do you mean like actual homo sapiens or like humanoids or just intelligent life?" Why was I getting stressed? I was a god now, I didn't have anything to stress about!

3 minutes ago, Mage said:

"By that I meant things of perhaps greater relevance and importance than partying and social status. Unless the Partygoer knows something I don't, popularity doesn't much matter in this realm. Cosmic stuff... call it coordinated creation, establishing a government, discovering more about the nature of this place."

"I know what you meant by that," I saw as I grab a gyoza off the first table. "But I'm just a person. I'm not really informed on what I'm supposed to do as a god now."

23 hours ago, Mage said:

“But this can be a creation party. Food yes. People yes, but also making. Shaping this blank canvas of a universe into something beautiful and vibrant. We could practice by painting at the party. Then get into the cosmic stuff.”

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know what I don't care what direction we go in this RP any more. cosmic gods? sure why not, though let's keep it in the realm of understandability and probably... character-ness

"That sounds good. Though I'm not sure on the... 'cosmic stuff.'"

23 hours ago, Danex said:

"Alright, lets do that!"
I wave my arm and create something that...kinda resembles a table. If you squint just the right way.

It falls over. 

"Huh..... thought this would be easier. Well, now for the food." I wave my arm again and large blobs of carbon goop materialize in mid-air and splat onto the fallen almost-table. 

"Guys, I'm not entirely sure what food is but I think I got it wrong."

I shake my head. "Whatever. Well, the next step is people. Y'al! Get your 5th dimensional space-god butts over here! It's party time!"

"Here, I can make the food."
I close my eyes, focus... and once I open my eyes, there's three tables worth of food, including pizza, chicken, turkey, soup- it looks like a generic feast like you would see in a movie or tv show, though the last table is entirely filled with deserts like pastries, candies, cakes and pies.

On 11/9/2021 at 2:20 PM, Danex said:

"I'll take that as a yes."

"well, I guess there's nothing left to do but plan the party itself!" I materialize inside the house that has appeared on the Meadow and sit down at a table.
"uhm...... does anyone know how to plan a party?" 

"Usually just put a bunch of people together and some food and it's a party."

On 11/9/2021 at 6:48 PM, Tani said:

"I think I got that idea just from the conversation. Interestingly, he wanted balance, but refused to negotiate with us from anything other than a position of power." She pauses for a second, then continues. "Those things they took better not be irreplaceable."

"They probably aren't, thankfully. I'm more fearful with what they plan to do with them. Anyways, we still need to get you to the Dustbringers."

On 11/7/2021 at 8:40 PM, Danex said:

"Blame the language you were thinking it in, not me. This language is so streamlined that thinking and speaking are almost one and the same. Did you RSVP for my party yet? I forget."

"Even so, you're still eavesdropping. Ears off, okay? And no, can we not party right now? I feel like we have some more pressing matters to attend to."

On 11/2/2021 at 10:38 PM, Frustration said:

Nak smiled, "I don't think so, I will be in touch with you." and with that he lashed himself out the doorway grabbing his team as he left.

On 11/4/2021 at 9:06 PM, Tani said:

"No Windrunners?"

 

"How can he Lash?"

"What a cremlicker."
Kyt says once Nak is far out of earshot. He turns to Idir.
"Here's an important lesson, Idir. People like that? People who claim to seek balance and harmony between good and evil forces? They're all liars. Every single one of them. They claim to seek compromise, but they'll keep demanding concessions to their side until the only 'compromise' they'll accept is one where they sit above all others. Understand?"