Going_North_cal

genuinely what the hell is going on i genuinely have so many problems

and i subconsciously refuse to acknowledge them

because theres so few places/environments i feel safe enougu to do so

every time emotions bubble up, i completely shut down, i completely close up. my muscles tense, my eyes unfocus, i just start fidgeting with something.

i cant cry, i still cant cry.

i was reminded again today of things i want to storming move on from dammit can i please just move on from that rust i dont it to keep coming to mind

if i hold my hands out and spread out my fingers and try to hold my hands still, there is a small, but very obvious, tremor.

my hands havent been truly still for a long time. and theres something in my head that wont come out. a memory, an experience, i dont know what, but i swear theres something there.

and ofc people read this message or others like it and offer their ears and their thoughts, and i want so badly to accept that

but i cant, i cant. i dont even know what it is. but i freeze up, i cant put it into words. fml bro.

alright bedtime gonna wake up in the morning and be Just Fine as usual.