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Everything posted by revelryintheart
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Hey does anyone want to critique on of my BYU application essays?
Be forewarned I wrote this at like 11 last night so yeah....
SpoilerI didn’t notice it immediately--the gradual loss of my vision. I don’t even know when it started. But I do know that by 6th grade, I could barely see out of my right eye.
I didn’t tell my parents. Some of my friends would discuss their vision problems, and this made me believe that my lack of perfect vision was normal. I failed to make the connection that they all had glasses. I was at a routine doctor’s exam when I was asked to perform a Snellen eye chart test. First came the left eye--perfect. Then my left eye was covered up. The world instantly turned blurry and indistinct. I was asked to identify as many letters as I could. Looking at the large E on the top row--which was now just a messy blur--I told the doctor that I couldn't see any of the letters.
From subsequent doctors visits it was discovered that I had cataracts, one in each eye. This was incredibly rare, as cataracts usually afflict only the elderly. My surgery was scheduled for a year later.
During that time, I began to appreciate what people with physical disorders go through. There was the obvious aspect of not being able to see, but also social aspects. I would feel isolated from my peers, because, with such a rare condition, no one else could relate to my experience. But because of these trials, I’ve been able to gain a unique empathy for the disabled and the elderly. This has partially shaped my desire to work in the medical field. My grandfather, who was a professor of microbiology at BYU, has also been a source of inspiration for me. I believe that at Brigham Young University’s impressive pre-medical program I can achieve this dream and go on to help and serve others.
Do you think the ending is to abrupt? And do I need to finish the story (describe the surgery and talk about when I lost my vision in my other eye)?
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I’m really don’t know that much about how to judge college essays, but it sounds great! One thing that I would want to know more about (and maybe the college professors too) would be more about your drive and desire to serve in the medical field; it sounds more like something you’re mentioning in passing, and not one of the main reasons you want to go to BYU.
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