Snakenaps

Thanks! I appreciate it!

Late to Da Party: Chapter 2: Pg 1, "doldrums days," Is it doldrums or doldrum? Have I been saying this wrong for all of my life? Pg 1, "the ancient mage" In a world with magic, do we mean ancient as in old, or do we mean ancient as in 200+ years old? Pg 1, "E had thought" Are we in E's POV? I suppose that will be clear soon. Pg 1, " when [Mr.] Bottom retired" I can think of many jokes of poor taste about this man's surname. Pg 2, "A skull, surrounded by an octagon of bones," Pirates? Pg 3, "The man looped his thumbs through his belt loop." I'd like to give this man a swift kick between the belt loops, if you know what I mean. Pg 3, "fear was a heavy mooring" I really like this. Pg 3, "Two landed flat on their backs on the docks" Must not be very good sailors if a floating dock can dump you on your bum. Pg 4, " he might never eat another apple again." I have questions I don't think I want the answers to. Pg 5, "the two river elementals" Is this a reference to the old jump rope song "Ms. Mary Mac, Mac, Mac/All dressed in black/black/black?" Pg 5, "M-i" Different spelling. I or Y? Pg 5, "Like War." Unsure if you specifically capitalized this or not. Pg 6, "a rush of anger. A splash of mischief" A rush of anger, or a wave? A current? Heh, heh, word play. Pg 7, "did not believe in things like magic and sentient river spirits." Man, that'd be a hard thing to convince yourself of in this world, but, hey, look what idiots convince themselves of in ours. Pg 8, "But he didn’t know how to convince Tavi." You know, I don't know how to convince a dog about religion vs non-religion either You keep switching between A's and As for the jerkheads. Chapter 3: Pg 10, "were slowly killing Her" What's really amazing is that She waited so long to act. Pg 10," it would all be washed away." Quite possibly literally. Pg 11, " the twins’ weapons were poorly concealed." On purpose? Pg 12, "One particularly pointy rock had shifted closer to the center of the channel." Like...the rock literally moved? Pg 12, " women who refuse to wear dresses" Damn, I'm out of luck. Pg 13, " tree roots twined around their limbs and dragged them down." Ah, yeah, that'd put you off apples. Pg 14, "repurposed sail yachts." Confused. Do we mean, like, 21st century yachts repurposed into glorified islands or what? Pg 14, "the ships were angry" Ships are not elementals. Is this a metaphor? I swear to God I'm usually not this thick. Pg 14, "The ships didn’t resume their original courses" So the ships are sentient? Pg 15, " the compass rose," Is this a name? Should it be capitalized? Pg 16, "The smell of chowder and pies" Makin' my stomach growl. Pg 17, "I ran out of energy." Yo, me too. I have to stop critiquing on Sunday nights.

You submitted the first version while I was on break so this is a cold read for me. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "There was a promise made once" Screams prophecy to me. I'm going to let you know this ahead of time because I know I have a bias: I generally don't like stories with prophecies and the Chosen Ones that follow due to the amount of absolutely horrific takes on it I have seen. So, if this is a prophecy/Chosen One book, know that there is nothing wrong with that, it just might not be my personal cup of tea. Pg 1, " whose fiefdom stretched" Whoa, that's five names in an opening paragraph. That's a lot when I am just entering a story. Do I need to know where the fiefdom stretches from right now? That cuts out two names. Pg 1, " you took to tending the grapes" Ooooooh, a vintner for a protagonist? Count me in! Pg 1, "But father" I'd capitalize "father" since it is used as a name, but that is a personal preference. Pg 2, "She was the girl who punched" Go M! Pg 2, "the Augmented" Hmmm...what are these? My interest is piqued. Pg 2, "he’ll turn up again" I predict Mr. G is dead. Pg 3, "How can someone live in such a house?" How can someone afford such a house on bare lands? Must be from more prosperous times. Pg 3, "Why it’s opened on its own!" Suspicious, considering this is not the era of electric door openers... Pg 3, "horse-hooves" No hyphen needed. Horse hooves is correct. Pg 3 "Guards with swords" Father's guards, or the manor guards? Pg 4, "Why would such an image appear in a dining room?" Somehow I doubt it is a mere conversation piece. Pg 4, "He was seemingly hairless, even his brows were naked" That's...odd... Pg 4, "And how their gaze never fell upon the Count." I am uncomfortable. Good tension! Pg 5, "She has just turned fifteen." Yeah! Hands off, creep! Pg 6, " he heard a thin groan rise from the hole he vomited into" Well, that's horrific. Pg 7, " saw his plate was already served." Confusion. Hadn't the food already arrived? Pg 7, "Ham,” Pg 11, "I’m afraid I have no carriages I could lend you to use at the moment." A man as wealthy as the Count? Bull. Pg 11, " In any case, I don’t believe the Count has any malicious intent." I disagree. Two beds in one room...not separating everyone out, or at least the women from the men? Peculiar. Is the pacing still alright? I thought the pacing was fine. I kept wanting to know what happened. Is the first page too slow? Not slow for me, but the five names (A, G, and three locations) in the first paragraph threw me for a loop. Otherwise, it was the usual confusion of settling into a new story. Is the situation realistic enough? Is it supposed to be? It felt like the beginning of a magical horror novel. Something akin to Dracula. Creepy servants, massive mansion, barren threatening landscapes, wolves, freaky hosts... Reminds me of the Haunted Mansion but in a non-comical way, or Dracula. Like a classic. Are the characters represented well enough? I don't remember reading descriptions for the family members. I'm horrified at poor M being desired at the age of fifteen, but that's the entire point, I think. It wouldn't be nearly as creepy if she was of marriageable age. How bad is the dialogue/word usage? I found it archaic, same with the narrative prose. Consider "The gate swung inward, but no one was seen to be opening it." Nobody says "to be opening" in real life. But, again, I thought that was on purpose, a stylistic choice to match the classic-esque story. Would you read on if you opened this book? I'd give it another chapter, see where it went. I feel promised a classic horror/suspense story with some twists and an evil villain, but I feel like it isn't going to only play to the tropes.

Pg 4, " presumably from the ships" Well, they're probably not from the blown up planet, that's for sure. This is the grossest asteroid field I've ever been to. Pg 5, "storage bay accessible only from the exterior" Man, what a pain in the rump if you accidentally forgot something in the trunk. Pg 6, "Cellulose loss" Hmmm, is something taking the cellulose? Ori? Or something/someone else? Pg 6, " friend her life" At? Or someone else? Pg 7, "A man stood next to her" I'm trying to remember the ceremony, but if that is the president, I have a message for him that involves a swift kick between the legs. Pg 7, "She’d lead led the Heaven Guard" Pg 9, "CELLULOSE CONTENT INSUFICIENT" Insufficient. You missed this on the next warning as well. Two F's. Pg 11, "what would pull cellulose from a biomaterial to begin with" Heh heh heh. Pg 12, " This isn’t the place for any Charted Systems technology" So why is her ship breaking down here and not back home? Is it because her ship is very old? Too much FTL? Is there something different about space here, and is that why the cellulose is disappearing? Pg 14, "loose cellulose this close to the Void" That answers my previous question. Pg 15, " Mental breakdowns and religious meltdowns" I really like this. Pg 16, "get blown up by pirates," Man, this is tense. I'm really liking this. Pg 18, "NO PLANET DETECTED." Uh oh. Cliffhanger! Ruuuuuuude!!!!! I want to know what happens next!

Hit me up! My door is always open.

If you need some recommendations, let me know. Although, admittedly, most of my favorite romances are actually webcomics! Highly recommend Heartstopper on Tapas. It's one of my favorites (and happens to be LGBTQ+). I don't know anything about marketing to an LGBTQ+ market (that would be @kais and @shatteredsmooth) so I can only speak for my own literary preferences: I actually don't care/notice much who is falls under the rainbow banner as long as the characters are fleshed out and real. It should be noted that I am straight, so you could say that I don't have "stakes" in the game as the market is overwhelmingly straight and I don't have to look for representation. But to me the whole goal of a romance - or any book, really - is to make the reader connect and fall in love with the characters. You do that right and I don't care if they are as straight as a board or beam rainbows like Mabel Pines teaching color theory.

Katie, late to the party? Shocker. Questions for after reading: 1. General reactions (were you engaged?) Yup, but if I was at a bookstore picking up what I thought was a YA paranormal romance, kicking it off with a cold-blooded CEO and a professor would have confused the hell out of me. Neither of them reflect the target market. 2. Is it clear what A thinks B is? Do you think this should be clearer? Less clear to preserve the mystery? I have absolutely no clue what kind of creature B is, other than she can maybe heal magically? But chooses not to? 3. If these characters show up partway through the book and Archer starts causing problems after what's been mostly romance, do you think this prologue is necessary to prepare you for it or for it to not be jarring? (I understand if it's hard to tell at this point) Throwing a shot in the dark, since I haven't read the rest of the book...but probably not. The only thing this prologue seems to show is that A is ruthless, he is cunning, and he wants magic...and you don't need a prologue to show that two-thirds of the way early. There's probably more efficient ways to foreshadow or show that without causing people to go, "Wait, this is YA?" 4. Is the "kill your queers" a problem here? I personally didn't think so, but I'm also probably not the person to ask. 5. Would you be interested in reading more of this? I know all genres are welcome but I also don't know if straight teen romance is super appealing for this group. I'd read the hell out of a straight teen romance. God knows I've read plenty of them before. Did you know that Twilight was the first book I ever stayed up past midnight to read? I wasn't a completely nutter high school student...but I still read the entire quartet, one of the side books, and the spoiled draft of Midnight Sun. I'd also like to point out that for me, personally, I don't care if the romance is straight or hits one or more of the LGBTQ alphabet - if it is a good romance, it is a good romance, period.

Thank you @kais, @Ace of Hearts, @shatteredsmooth, @Mandamon, @C_Vallion, and @Silk!!! I have no clue why it won't tag my last two friends! Either way, I've dug through everything and got everything ship-shape (heh, heh) hopefully. I ended up titling this, "The Ship Stuck Sideways."

My calendar reminded me of something cool today: one year ago, I first joined Reading Excuses! What a year it has been! Crazy to look back and see how much I have grown as a writer, despite all the turbulence and chaos. Here's to another year!

Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "the snacks were not." That's not cool. Taking someone's snacks is theft, and theft is illegal. Pg 1, " The elementals" Are these the people sending the card? Pg 2, " nutrient rich riverbank." Nutrient rich threw me off because I don't generally look at a riverbank and think to myself, "Man, that is some nutrient rich dirt right there." Haven't seen enough of S yet to know whether or not they'd think that. Pg 2, "holding the invitation up in its large claw." Brilliant. Pg 2, "many skipped words" Confusion. Like the elementals said a spell wrong? Pg 2, "ambassadors" Judging from S, this is something someone is born into and not something someone trains to be. Pg 3, "made them trail" Confused. As in follow people? Or as in maintain trails? Pg 3, "Ambassador F" Pg 4, "Communing with Elementals" Capitalized now? Pg 4, "solar barges," This sounds awesome, tell me more. Pg 4, " a second flood" (I'll let myself out now) Pg 4, "who could communicate with any elemental" So S can talk with any elemental, but they can only control water and wind? No fire? Pg 5, "shinning high" I couldn't ignore that one. Pg 5, "Your survival depends on it" Ominous. Alright, on that note, I'm going to end it here for tonight. My brain is getting sleepy and I want to be able to critique well. I'll come back and edit this later when I finish.

See you then!!! Good luck!!!

I forgot...I NEED A BETTER TITLE. Like, a REAL title. Please help!

I have...RETURNED. Alright, so, this is a little short story I've written as homework for Dave Farland's 318R class. This is the first time I've written a short story, the first time I've written sci-fi, and the first time I've, well, written anything that wasn't Name of the King. So I'm curious to see how this goes. Warnings for gore and mild language. I'm looking for everything: the big, the small. Tear this to pieces. It is due on March 1st and I really want to turn in something high quality. I'm interested in turning this into a full-length novel after I finish revising NotK. That being said, I wouldn't mind getting your thoughts on what little character building and world building there is. Would this be something you or someone you know read? Does this general idea of space rally racing have promise, in your opinion? Thank you ahead of time!

May I please have a slot for Monday, February 22nd? My short story is ready to be pulled apart.

Dude, this is clean. I keep trying to puncture holes, look for any nook and cranny. So I'm just going to do a checklist and see if anything comes out half-baked. Hope this helps. Plants: check, minor foreshadow that new readers aren't likely to catch. "minor wilt had turned to major decay." Look, me and plants! M's P: check, given type of shuttle N and her species: All fingers present. Exile: check, including method of and why, and her desire to return (stakes). Plus, why she is unique outside of planet N. Piloting skills: check, try not to burn out any more thrusters XD Feeling sticky: check, mildly telepathic Planet: they sure do love their wood Religion: trees be holy. Don't go messing with fairy tale planet. Uncle is obnoxious. Past: Guard place dropped, mother's sickness hinted Name drop: check Y: check, particularly loved this line: "started to vocalize some emotion that would have made them both uncomfortable, shut his mouth" R, their company, their building material, and their role: check, check, check, check, check Journey Youth: both that it is indentured servitude and that it is for two years, plus the age requirements World + Spaceport: check, with hints at a larger world with minor introduction/mentions of different species Name drop of Title: check Book 1 Easter Eggs: R mad Neck tingles and cellulose tingles Tree telepathy Guard: check Planet A: check, plus books and religion President: can I kick him in the gonads? G4: toeing the line, shows she wants to join forces (foreshadows her involvement). Shows N's childhood adoration. Pg 13, "He knew how much the Youth Journey label rankled" Confusion: does he mean referring to himself as an adult but not her or did you cut a label I forgot? Pg 14, " this tiny little island kept consuming other countries." I still can't stop laughing at this. Pg 20, I just want to go home,” Missing first quotation mark Pg 23, "She was never going to step foot on her homeworld again."

Honestly? Like looking down from a cliff going, "Wow, look how far I've come!" Before turning around, looking waaaaaay up the mountain I still have to climb, and going, "Shoot." Oh well. Just keep climbing, step by step. Thanks @Ace of Hearts ! I really need to get these last four chapters fixed because right now this book ends as anything but satisfying. I appreciate your insight

I definitely knew this (I want to take these last four chapters and get them down to two if I can), but I couldn't pinpoint why or what. Thanks for shedding a LOT of light of where things are bumpy. I've got the gut feeling that tells me "something is wrong here" but not yet the experience to tell me what or how to fix it. Thanks @kais !

It is...THE END. This is my first completed anything that I've submitted through Reading Excuses since I joined on February 25th, 2019. It's been nearly a year. Sometimes, it feels like I just joined yesterday, and other times I feel like I've been here forever. So, to keep it short and to the point, whether you've been reading NotK since the start way back in April of last year, or hopped in any time in between - thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I firmly believe that the reason that my knowledge, abilities, and confidence has grown so much in the past year is because of the support and experience of this group. Thank you so much for continually tearing apart NotK despite my habit of reading but not necessarily replying to comments. I promise I've read and cherished every single one of them. Thanks to you all, Draft Four won't have minor changes. I've come up with a game plan that I'm incredibly excited about. I'm going to take this next draft to a level I didn't previously think I was capable of. I'll be taking a short break from critiquing after this week while I hyperfocus on Draft Four. If you need me, though, feel free to PM me anytime. Thank you all so, so much. Katie

I'm fine with it, personally.

May I please have a slot for Monday, January 25th?

Found your new story prompt: https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/aditya-singh-chicago-ohare-lived-three-months/index.html "A Californian man who was "scared to go home because of Covid" lived undetected in Chicago's O'Hare Airport for three months, according to multiple reports." Forget The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler and kids living undetected in a museum. Time to go with man living in an airport.

Only two chapters left after this...

You sound like my sister. This is...a really good idea. I'm not turning 180 on anything, sorry if I gave that appearance. Let me be more specific: 1) Ir influencing the BK: I don't want the BK suddenly getting bowled over by this little chef out of nowhere. But on the other hand, I want her to be proactive enough that he takes notice. Example: W and the vineyards. Ir helps without being forced, which surprises the BK (which was not the case in the first draft). Instead of him always going, "Hahaha, exactly according to plan!" I want to add just enough that Ir becomes trustworthy/handy enough to be involved with stronger plots along the way. Simply making her more proactive and influence the plot more should solve this naturally. 2) The Revolutionaries won't be taking over the story. They won't even be the true antagonists (that be Ms. Sue). But at the same time, I want them to be enough of the threat that when the climax comes, the reader actually feels like the Revs have a chance in winning this one battle. To return to current events, it's like the Portland rioters or the recent Capitol Hill insurgents. Where they ever in danger of taking over the entire city, let alone the entire country? Nope. But did both groups have the ability to kill, and therefore need to bring in the National Guard? Yup. I suppose, to keep comparing to recent events, what would have happened to Biden if he had just so happened to be at Capitol Hill that day and been unable or unwilling to leave? That's the BK, in the wrong place, wrong time. The question is not if the Revs can take back the city, but rather if they can hold the palace long enough to kill the BK. The Revolutionaries are, to a degree, delusional, and don't realize that in the resulting chaos of killing the BK, the neighboring country Cr that has been helping out the Revs would have instantly attempted to take over. And they would have had the ability, unlike the Revs. Sorry if I made you think that I was suddenly going to swing the opposite way. I suppose my entire focus for this draft is to shore up any holes (government, world, proactivity) and then strengthen and focus everyone so that there's, again, no holes. Not make everything fight for the spotlight, but rather make the small parts (like the Revolutionaries) add more light onto the parts that are important (Sue). Does that make sense?

Stoked to hear what you think! Thank you @karamel!

Thank you everyone!!! Agreed. I worry that I've got a tension drop in the last four chapters, and so I'm eager to see how much of it I've managed to rectify and how much I still drop the ball. You aren't late. I have incorrectly set up the BK three times now. It's something I'm continually warring with. Frankly, I don't think I'm talented to pull off a Zuko-level redemption, which is I think the only way to spin her back to the "light side." And thank you for your LBL's! I need all I can to get all the wrinkles ironed out. This was me writing it, honestly. This chapter hurt so much to write. It doesn't cut it, at all. Ir is terribly passive, which is something I am trying to fix. I want the BK reacting to her, not the other way around. gasp Logic, in this draft? Whaaaaaaat? I thought about this too, but some of the news stories of late highlighted how some of the men who stormed the capital said goodbye to their families and didn't expect to come home. But some women were SHOCKED they got tear gassed. So maybe S's reaction is in fact very spot on. I'd still like I to like hard core call her on it. Great comments here, and I agree with a lot of this. I'd still like to see the revolutionaries get close to killing the BK. Like, a crossbow bolt winging him, getting him in the shoulder, something like that. And also, as noted here, I'd like to see the revolutionaries building towards their attack, for example just a handful if little vignette paragraphs here and there of some Rev who is a crack shot with a crossbow. Maybe the Revs have even hired them in or something. Doesn't need to add a whole lot of words, or even another character because they could be quite anonymous. Something to really ramp up that tension at the end. It really is weird how well timed this chapter was with current events. It's also kind of uncomfortable how...not necessarily spot on, but right I got S's thinking compared to the extremists out there today. Especially how little this scene has changed since I wrote it in 2019, before I had such experiences with rioting and such. I think I can really look back and see how I can stabilize S's character with my own experiences this year. The Revolutionaries are absolutely getting pumped up straight from chapter one. They are going to be a force to reckoned with. I want the reader to feel fear for both the BK and for the city from these insurgents. Thankfully, I have some prime examples to pull from last and this year.