ginger_reckoning

So, overall, I like how J relates to M's struggles a lot and how it brings up his own pains which I hope will get an even closer look later on. But I thought that this was resolved a little too quickly, though if it's similar to the other ones, I'm expecting one last push from the imposter to get M to stay in the next chapter. I also think that the developments with Mx. P are good, just enough to get you thinking while also keeping the mystery. Pg1 “haven’t tried to stop us out here” you know, that is a good point, it might be something to consider as a twist or something to make one of the arcs seem less repetitive, that the doppleganger tries to ruin the main character’s lives in the real world, which they might be able to do with the knowledge they have, or even the confrontation happening in the real world Why not confront M’s doppleganger since he is now sure that he isn’t real? Sorry, I dont remember if he’s tried that or not with any of the others Pg 3 I mean, just the fact that they knew each other wouldn’t normally be suspicious, but the fact they were talking about taking a trip is interesting I also like learning more information about the whole living situation Pg5 “I teach high school” I was a little confused at first how this followed the preceding statement. If i’m interpreting correctly, they are saying this is why they haven’t stayed in touch? “Bringing up the ‘trip’ he had planned” not sure if this is intentional misgendering or not Pg7 “He’s the biggest suspect” again, not sure if intentional use of “he” or not Pg12 I’m not sure how V attacking N here is any different than from when she did it before, or how it helps this situation. It seems like it would still be traumatic for M to see his dad disappear Pg 13 It seems like this was resolved more quickly than the other ones, but I am not exactly sure if that’s true or not, page count wise

Hey all, thanks again for reading! For word count purposes, I had to cut this chapter in half, so it kind of ends at a weird spot. Just remember that for next week, there is not supposed to be a weird week-long pause there haha. Also, this is probably my weirdest chapter in this book, which I know is saying a lot, so please let me know if the two characters introduced in this section are too much. Tags are for violence (mostly cartoonish), language, sexual references, very light drug references Thanks again for reading!

I would like a slot for tomorrow as well please!

I think this one is already doing better to be less repetitive, since IMO the emotional stakes are higher with it having to do with a kid who could get really hurt, and with it being someone who isn't a highschooler. Also, having creatures attack that aren't pigeons gives it some variety, even if they are just barely mentioned before being destroyed haha. The kid dialogue was mostly good, though I did note some stuff below. Overall, this arc has potential to be very interesting! Pg1 “remind me of the void” I won’t say that balloons and stuff can’t remind you of someone or something sad, but I am not really connecting the dots here Pg 2 “So long as I was good” yeah, I still think this is a f*cked thing to say to a child haha, it’s obviously not affecting him well. I guess this is what reminded J as well? Pg 3 “misuse of adoption” might be better to say “of the word adoption” since he’s not actually like, adopting kids to use them for labor or something I mean outside of a story it seems like a logical jump to assume she went into the labyrinth when it could be literally anything, but in this context it makes sense Personally I wouldn’t take a kid telling me he hates me too much to heart, but yeah that still hurts Pg 5 “I could ask for” how old is M again? This particular phrase seems more “adult” to me. Idk sorry I don’t want to keep on harping on this haha, but saying “best big brother ever” might make him sound more like a kid Oh, later down that may be intentional since he’s a bloody IMPOSTER Being trapped in like a WOW or darksouls game would really suck Pg 12 “real weeb” lol Pg 13 “distinguished from the boot print” yeah neither did I haha Pg 15 oof There's only one line where it really felt like he was talking like an epic hero, idk if I would have noticed that if it wasn't pointed out

Hey, thanks again for reading. Not too many specific notes on this one, just looking to see what works here and what doesn't. Tags for language mostly, and some alluded to violence and sexual content. Thanks!

I'd like a spot this week please!

In answer to your question, it did feel a little repetitive. Not sure what can be done about that. That being said, I do like how deep into the emotions of these characters this goes, and how the narrative treats the concerns of the characters as never being inconsequential. Some of the stuff the doppleganger brings up is legitimately troubling. More notes below. I think maybe it might seem less repetitive if the "showdown" were even a little less similar, like having J argue with the doppleganger while someone else is fighting both times is what makes it feel especially repetitve to me. Like maybe in a future one they have to go through a different perilous and tense situation, like defusing a bomb or something idk just spitballing “Though you’re closer than you realize” this sentence took my a little to decipher. Also, I think you could cut the clause “as a pronoun” since that’s implied “Why’s this thing throwing shade” haha yeah exactly. Would not be surprised if this thing called people f-slur tbh pg3 Yeah, this doppleganger raises some really effective points. Not good points per se, but very brutal Pg5 “Picking apart my psyche” valid point I don’t know if this is really a criticism, but again having the answer be that J relates more than previously thought–before with him being bi, and now him being neurodivergent–is fine, I guess, but I feel like it puts more of the responsibility/importance on J as a character than V. I mean, he is the main character, so that tracks, but I would personally like to see more of a breakthrough from V that comes from a personal place than from J Not that I think it’s bad J has autism or relates to other characters, I just wish they were a little more that was the realization V had to make. Sorry, I know that’s a tall order haha Pg 7 “Like they really are part of a video” I would cut the word “really” here, or replace the word “video” with anime, because I forgot for a second what this was a callback to, though I maybe shouldn’t have, I can be stupid sometimes Uh oh! They’re in trouble! Pg 8 “to make out in the future” ughhh so awkward haha. (Also, like imagine if you actually did catch someone making out in your classroom and they said this matter of factly, it would be really weird but funny lol) “Rattle off excuses” damn, cold Mx. P has been pretty nice thorughout the story, but I imagine after this encounter they probably know something about the otherworld Okay, looks like characters made the same conclusion so maybe not haha. Or at least, not evil, but they might still know something “Self diagnosis” I actually did know this. This especially hits home for me because many of my friends are autistic or neurodivergent, and the hassle of getting a diagnosis or a prescription can be nightmarish. I’m sure you know that. Also, I’m not an anti psychiatry expert, but some of this stuff definitely tracks with some of the stuff I’ve read on the movement. I think I might need to do a little more reading on the subject, I find it very interesting Pg13 YOU DON”T NEED MONEY FOR DATES J SHE JUST WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU smh my head

This is what I was worried about haha. I feel like I need to include these because this sets up for the things that happen later, but I'm not sure how to include them without it feeling contrived

Hey all, glad to be back after not having much to share in february! This week has some warnings for mentioning suicidal tendencies, as well as for a kissing scene that gets a little handsy, maybe four out of ten on the spiciness meter. Anyway, I feel like this submission may be a little too scattered and unfocused so I'm curious to here what you all think. Thank you!

I talk about this a little below, but I'm still a little conflicted about the conversations with Mx. P. On one hand, I find them interesting, they fit well with the themes, and they do give relevant information to the characters. On the other hand, they can get pretty technical, and especially in something as fast-paced as this story, it feels like even two pages of talking about behavioral psychology can kind of bog it down. So, just something to be aware of. That being said, I'm excited to see how V's dopplegnager tries to get her, and how they convince her to leave. Pg1 “After I woke up I couldn’t” I think there should be a period between “woke up” and “I” I like this little exchange because it gets across that they still both don’t know what they are doing and want to be considerate and also seems realistic. “Video games and anime” I mean, I don’t see why this is such a a big deal if this is something they are both interested in Pg 3 “genotype” okay, this is where I officially think it might be a little too much on the subject of behavioral psychology. Well, actually I’m not sure because this does seem like helpful information to their problem, but this might be a little too much Pg8 “BDSM” damn I didn’t know that. Definitely interesting Pg10 So I know why the pigeons are enemies here, but maybe for variety there could be some other enemies as well? Idk just spitballing Pg 11 “bridge of V’s nose” lol “You interrogated” honestly, I would be kind of mad too Pg 16 I thought V kind of accepted leaving a little easily, especially compared to K, which I thought was done very well, so I’m glad that there is at least one more challenge before she can leave.

Hi, sorry I know this is early, but I am finally ready to submit again haha! I would like a spot for this coming week please.

Yeah, that's fair. It is fast-paced enought that the directness definitely helps it not get bogged down in miscommunication issues. One section that I noticed was on page 5 where she says something along the lines of "so I'll be trying to impress you at every opportunity". It makes sense she would be doing this, but (to me at least) I feel like this is a case of "telling" and not "showing". Same with when they are talking about J being worried about being too bossy. She tells him not to worry very explicitly, and lists her reasons why. I want to specify that I don't think that it's bad dialogue, it just seems like people who are very precise with what they mean, like they have recieved communication training. Which they might have! Like I said, I just think it makes them seem more mature than highschoolers, which, again, could be what you're going for.

So overall, I think that J and V have very distinct voices, but Ks voice seems similar to J. It could be because she was missing at first, but it just seems like her personality isn’t as strong as the other two. Also, I know I've brought this up before, but I find it a little hard to believe that highschoolers would say exactly what they mean all the time. That's a little bit of an exaggeration on my part, but it does seem like everyone communicates with each other very openly and honestly, which (imo) just doesn't seem like teenagers to me. As far as repetition goes, it did strike me as a little repetitive with J talking to V, who doesn’t want to go, while someone else fights the pigeons. Idk how to really solve that though. Overall though, I'm still enjoying the story! It will be interesting to see what happens with V. Pg1 I’m a little surprised they could get into the school on a Sunday I do kind of wonder if j knows V well enough to even tell if something is significantly different? “So these things don’t feed off my mind” I think this clause could be cut. This is implied I think, and I think it would make the banter flow better “But really, K” idk why but I thought this was going to be followed up by a rebuke “Through the scenery tree” I had to read this sentence a couple times to understand it The anime town is a cool setting, I like that the different worlds have different visual themes

Ah, my apologies, I think that may have been optimistic on my part. I don't think I will be submitting this week, but hopefully next week! Also, this sounds great! Can't wait to read it!

I would like a spot for this week please!

Perosnally I don't think that these chapters need more conflict, I think they advance the relationships in a believable way, and even with the fast pace of the story so far, I don't think this is too slow or anything. If anything, it still feels like the fast pace of the story is kept here, since there is basically only two scenes (the walk home and the birthday) between this and their next mission of saving V, which is where I assume this is heading Pg1 “Doppleganger’s never unsure…” lol “Faint and transparent” I will say, this is a small detail but this is what made me draw the connection to persona in the first place actually, the machine being transparent is a very video-game-mechanic thing imo Pg3 “to do this without asking” personally, if it’s a hug it seems more “rude” to me than “wrong” but of course, the character might think it’s wrong Pg 4 I think its kind of adorable but also awkward how much J is overthinking things here, as is usual for him Pg 5 The explanation didn’t seem that long to me, though I could see someone being offended at being called a logic puzzle. So if this is trying to get across J overthinking again, it accomplishes that goal Pg 7 “V shoots me a flat look” haha yeah, agree with V here Ah, after my own heart with always choosing the water types (Except turtwig, leaf turtle is number one) Yeah, I have to say V has it rough, I’m not sure I would want to be friends with J in her situation “Plushies are way more expensive” So true! Looking at plushies to get for my sister for christmas and some were like 60$ !!!! Pg13 I will say, I find it kind of funny that the way the narrative is set up, I’m a little suspicious of V trying to improve herself here haha

Oh haha, that's awesome, I didn't realize the inspiration was so direct. Personally I would say that as far as motivation goes that's completely fine, I mean some of the most iconic works of fiction in the world are from inspiration from other works (Dante's Inferno comes to mind) as long as you are okay with other people drawing this comparison as well

That was a nice, short and sweet arc that still had a very compelling conflict and resolution! I do wonder with a five arc structure, if the arcs will all have the same characters, or different ones. It did kind of remind me of a Persona game, if you've ever played one of those (I've only played persona 5) with them going into the psyche dungeon across a few days, fighting mobs and confronting the "boss". Not that that is a bad thing at all! Other than that, I thought this was a well written mostly-self-contained arc and some of the problems I identified were then addressed by the text which was nice. pg 1“One way glass” not sure how he can tell this at a glance? Pg 2 “So I guess I did know” not sure how this connects to the previous sentence I do think this is an interesting conflict, and honeslty f*ck the doppleganger “I don’t care anyone else” missing an “about” I think Pg 4 “I dont feel any different” lol Pg 5 “if that’s really what you want” hmm, it does seem like maybe this will come back later if she didn’t really internalize the whole “making choices for yourself” thing “The pigeons on the way back” sorry, not trying to be too nitpicky, but I think it flows better as “that attack us on the way back” Pg 7 “the stick” I understand the reference here, but I’m not really sure how this will apply to this situation since fighting it didn’t work. Guess I’ll have to keep reading! Actually, on reflection, I think this line is referencing the doppleganger’s actions and not the main characters’. Pg 8 “You know that I’m…” yeah if that were me I would probably be a little pissed off at J just sayin I really like this conflict and its resolution!

Awesome! Thanks again for taking time to read

Hey all! Hope your January's been okay. Thanks again for reading. I realized that there's a point of confusion in this sub. Last time, I had S go inside the room with A, but I forgot I went back and changed it so A went in alone. So I'll be going back to rewrite the previous few pages to reflect this sub. Other than that, my notes for this section were "A starts to make a genuine connections with T" as well as *sigh* more exposition. Mainly wondering if those two things are done well. As well as your general reactions, as always. chapter summary

I would like a spot for this week please!

Interesting developments! Not too much to say other than what's in my LBL's. I don't have anything that jumps out to me as a large structural problem so far, other than that it now seems they have a win condition in sight, so unless there are further complications later, it seems like maybe this will be more novella length? Though I could be completely wrong of course. Pg 1 “Awkward slob of a man” The diction here surprised me because it doesn’t sound like a high school aged kid, so if that is intentional then it works. Also,I thought that J was a teenager? Calling him a man here makes him seem older P2 “when I rejected you” imo, this is implied by what she just said and seems a little extraneous “Tried to make me hate myself” possibly wrs, but I got the opposite impression, that J hated himself and the doppleganger was trying to get him to be more confident? Pg 3 “massaging her shoulders” creepy! Yeah, the doppleganger is a lot more creepy and possessive than I remember it being. Good for J for standing up to it! Pg 10 “Why are you treating K like a psychological…” not exactly sure why, but this line seemed a little on the nose to me, especially since just a few lines before, V agreed to help J assess the situation “K isn’t straight” You can’t just ask someone if they’re straight J smh Pg 11 “If staying closeted” not sure if this is supposed to signify that J is also queer, or just him putting himself in K’s shoes “Culture of straight dating” just my opinion, but this wording seems a little…idk mature? Again, could be what you’re going for with J but his diction is not really what I would expect of a high schooler Pg12 yeah, it definitely seemed the doppleganger was acting misogynistic Pg 13 “they’re all do” should be due P14 eesh, this whole discussion reminds me of conversion therapy, which is just icky to me Oh, haha that’s mentioned by name later down P15 “he pauses” not sure if Mx P has he/they pronouns or if this is the wrong pronoun The discussion might be a little heavy for a YA audience, but I liked it. I like the last line too.

Hey all! Not many notes on this one, other than I might put a chapter break somewhere in the middle of this one, not sure though. Also still aware of and looking for more suggestions of pacing issues. Thank you!

I would also like a slot please!

Overall, don't have much to say other than my line by line stuff. I agree with Silk that I think they figure things out a little too quickly for it to be believable personally. Other than that, good stuff! I'm hoping that J can learn that he actually has good things about him haha pg1-I like the lines about the “new low” of reading the internet articles and the reminiscing about the gentrified neighborhood, but I’m not sure if the target audience of this book (teens I assume?) would find this kind of discussion appealing or not, idk pg2-It is kind of weird that she seems to be so specifically perfect for the MC, but my prediction is that he is wrong about her being a doppleganger and she actually is just that nice and have the same interests as him haha. It says a lot about his self esteem that he can’t even conceive of someone liking him. Pg3- I also appreciate how quick this story seems to get to the point, and I like that the conversation with V is so frank. Pg9- I was a little confused about the shirt turning gray, thinking maybe it was something to do with the doppleganger. It seems like they figured out pretty quickly that they can control their outfits here. Maybe even if there was one experimental step between the first and the leather outfit Pg9 - Ahhh, so V also likes her. I thought she was just a concerned friend at first but this makes sense “Hit them once” How does he know this? Did he fight them before when he was here? Or is it just a guess? Okay, I see the explanation below. I still think there should be maybe one more instance of manipulating stuff before making this logical jump. I do like how the MC is using intuition and intelligence though (and is secretly more confident than he thinks he is haha) “Step ladder” Objection!