ginger_reckoning

Hey all! Thanks again for reading. Not sure if I have specific notes for this one, other than that maybe it is a little too long still. The main focus here is still on A and J's dynamic, which I worry gets a little drowned out by the action. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Again, I think the scenes are stand-alone well written. The one thing I would suggest is maybe shortening the first chapter of this submission. Again, I think the ideas of the various character's relationship to religion and their bad situation could be a little more succinct, especially being among the first few chapters of the book where every word counts. Especially since it seems these characters have been living in these conditions for most if not all their lives, I would expect a little more of taking the situation for granted, but that's just me. My other biggest critique for this section is that a lot of words are capitalized that I don't think need to be, such as Scriptures, Eternity, Corporate Charter, etc. These may be important things in the setting, but so far I don't have a sense how these things differ substantially from the concepts with the same names in real life, in which they aren't normally capitalized. That being said, I think the scenes are overall easy to read, which is huge, and it seems like things are picking up! Excited to see where this goes. “With P with her cute snores” maybe it should be “P and her cute snores” Pg 2 “straight, black hair” I think comma is unnecessary here “If you talk about” I think is missing “it” at the end “Big meanies” how old is this child exactly? Using this language to talk to her makes me think she’s a toddler, though I thought she was older at first “Red cape hanging behind her” she sleeps with the cape on? “Eternity” I don’t think this needs to be capitlaized “You’re not my mommy,” I like this scene Pg 8 A ship with a blind spot that big seems like something someone would notice “Unique abilities” okay, so it looks like the ship they’re in has some kind of cloaking, that makes sense “Sounds like a name out of ancient history” I think this line is a little redundant personally “Bring the meritocracy” okay, this sounds promising, my perception of this character just changed “Meat tanks stink”I don’t think this needs to be italicized “Like a ghost” that’s cool I’m likingthis scene too “Kill everything that moved” why is that? I’m a little curious if they are just brutally trained or maybe on some kind of psycho drug. I don’t think it necessarily needs an answer here, just writing what popped into my head Okay, nevermind about his plans for the meritocracy haha. I have a feeling he isn’t dead, though

Ah sorry, yeah I am working on the critique for submission 2 right now so expect to see it in about an hour. I also just wanted to claim a spot for next week!

Additional tags for sex-related trauma (No assault) Hey all, thanks again for reading. I realized I accidentally numbered it as 25 twice, so to get back to the right number, here is 27 haha. Not too many specific questions for this one, other than the fact this is one of the last quiet chapters of the book, and I just wonder if the pacing is good here, and if the conversation between A and J here is emotionally believable. . Thanks again for reading!

I would also like a spot for this monday please! Yeah, it is a little slow around here right now haha, mostly me and Ace of Hearts have been submitting regularly for the past few months, but I would not be surprised if there are others who pick it up occasionally, and the rumblings say Silk may have something to submit soon

By the way, sorry, I honestly don't know how to make it not bold, it's been doing this for months Overall: At the beginning of the chapter, I was a little skeptical of having a second viewpoint that appeared to be completely disconnected from the first, but at the end, I’m guessing that these characters will represent some of the antagonistic forces for the characters in the first chapter? Or at least affect them somehow, since it seems they are targeting the cruise ship they are on. My prediction is the women from the first chapter will get their hands on this device somehow. Anyway, congrats on the first submission! I’m excited to read more of this. Overall, I agree with Ace of Hearts that we get the point pretty quickly that the guy is a creep and this kind of behavior is widespread. The second scene is a little exposition heavy, and I wonder if it could be possible to get this information when we see T already on this job. Overall though, strong start and excited to read more! LBL: Pg 11 So right off the bat, this guy is creepy “Double y” I like the subtle worldbuilding of this, and immediately feel like I can clock this guy as a satire of the hypermasculine “alpha male” archetype “Big people” not sure if this is just the guy’s mental designation for these kind of people or if this is the actual name of some kind of caste. If the latter, I think it could use a more creative name Pg 12 “milliseconds” this is just my own ignorance speaking but I don’t have a frame of reference to know if milliseconds is actually faster for one’s eyes to adjust to light changes “His last regeneration…the President” it’s weird for me to go from a less specific pronoun (His) to a more specific title (the President) in a single sentence. I would suggest changing President to just “him” here, personally “Alpha male” haha I predicted it! “Tight and tidy mind” reads extremely satirical to me, so if that’s the goal, then good “Cling to government” so with the meritocracy mentioned, I’m guessing this is some really religious anarcho-capitalist system? Or corpocracy maybe? Or is it just theocracy? Excited to find out more, so far I’m liking this setting. It seems, unfortunately, to be a future we might be headed towards

Okay, good to know. May remove the boned line still, as suggested, haha, though I'm still divided as to if I should keep or jsut apologize in the text afterwards, though I think that may be even more tacky So, S did actually see the Omelas child back at the beginning, which was then never mentioned that much until now (may have mentioned it in the now-cut 'reasons why C sucks' part of the bet part). I'm definitely using it as a gotcha here, but I consider C and its fate very important to the story, as part of S's arc. That is kind of why I wanted to keep the part with C in the middle, so it stays relevant at least a little. I think the Omelas thing works as a perfect capstone to the metaphor for capitalism with the sunglasses and such, so I'd like to keep it, though I do worry it's too tropey/unoriginal sometimes. I'd like it to come more across as an intentional loving reference, so if there are any suggestions now or in the future, I'd love to hear it. Also, although though the bet part is cut, I think I may still find some way for them to stay in C more in the next draft. Anyway, I'm curious to come back to this point after the end, which partly includes what happens to C. Thanks, that ended up wordy haha Thanks again for all the other notes too!

Alright, likewise, I only had time to read one chapter but here are my LBLs. I'll put my overall thoughts when I read the rest of the submission: Pg1 Ok, so right off the bat this is setting the tone that this will be involved, technical science fiction, which I like. This is a small nitpick, but saying “human calendar” at the top, while establishing that there are presumably nonhumans with their own calendars, I wonder if it would be better to say “Earth Calendar” because I assume if there are confirmed aliens, not all humans might live on earth, and I assume planets with different orbital periods will have different calendars. Sorry, you probably knew all that, just my two cents I also don’t think humans needs to be capitalized Is this an original poem? If so, it's good but makes me think the speaker may be a eugenicist. I think it should say “newborn face” on the second line Pg2 “No. No way to tell…” I had to go back and remind myself what she was responding to since there was description in between. Might be helpful to include a reminder in her response Pg 3 “I don’t trust it” seems redundant since she just questioned whether it’s real “Like zombies” comparing people with depression to zombies makes her seem like not the most sensitive of characters, though it's a realistic enough thing for someone to say. Personally I think it’s enough to just say he was scared “O-tech” okay, this is obviously a horrible thing to have in this society but the second thought I had after hearing the name for this makes me think of a p0rn video with electricians or something haha. But seriously, obviously a very quick way to show how dystopian their society is Just for future reference, I would definitely tag this for sexual assault when submitting something like this, just so people know if they want to avoid reading and critiquing Pg 6 “like my daughter” okay, seriously, yuck Pg 8 “make a joyful noise” making a joyful noise, perhaps? Ah yes, of course the clergy is homophobic haha. I mean, SA is still SA of course I see they discuss that further down as well “A tiny of breath” perhaps remove “a”?

Thanks for the reply! I'm hoping to get my critique of your work done this evening. As for this quote, yeah, I had a lot more auhtor intrusions at the beginning of the story and they have kind of tapered off. I want to keep them, so I might add more honestly, when I do a line-edit pass on the second draft. Still not sure though. Yessir, huge LeGuin fan actually haha. I am also an anarchist so she is one of my top favorite authors of all time. Anyway, I didn't draw up a map for this book because I didn't find it necessary for this story, but there are no continents, only islands as a reference to Earthsea as well. There is a last reference to Left Hand of Darkness I plan to include in the epilogue too. I am a little worried since the Omelas reference ended up being a pretty significant part of the story, and I definitely don't want to plagiarize, but I feel like it's fair use, though I don't know for sure Well that's not good! While I do want her to not necessarily be super sweet, I definitely don't want people to not empathize. I mean, for context, she still views S as mostly a villain here, but do you have any suggestions to not make her seem to vindictive?

Hey all! Thanks again for reading. This is preparing for the next big action section, which will be the end of act 2 and then going into the climax. Mostly just interested in hearing general notes, I don't have much specific for this section. There is an implied fade to black sex scene at the end of the second chapter of this submission, which was literally written just because I didn't know how to end the scene, so if you have suggestions on something else or if you think it's fine, please let me know.

I think this works great as a tie-in to Bond of Wildflowers, especially showing how N already accepted that C was abusive and that he doesn't really want to go back. I'm curious as to the context this would appear in relation to Bond of Wildflowers. Is this intended to be included with the rest of the story, like as an introductory section, or as a prologue, or to be published seperately? To me, it does read more like a prologue or chapter one than a self contained story but that is probably just because I read Bond. N doesn't have a ton of agency in this I felt like, but that does kind of seem to be the point so it's not really a huge deal. He does feel a bit like a spectator though, though I do like how this sets him up for what happens in Bond, and his introspections are interesting to read. Pg 1 I feel like this sentence is a little confusing, like it’s a lot to take in for just one sentence and its a little unclear if the narrator is the girlfriend in question or not “Left alone with glassy” this is also a little confusing, had to go back and infer that she was left in the fey realm “Makes sense that we don’t” I think should be “makes sense since we don’t” “Across the face when frustrated” I would suggest adding “she is” after when “Not at listening” this a really good line for characterization of the narrator Pg 2 “digital watch” Okay I like H Pg 3 “she hasn’t worked out” this phrase sticks out to me and makes me wonder what exactly he means by "worked out" “My grandmother” also makes it seem way more formal as opposed to just “grandmother” Pg 6 I really like how the building is described as being alien and magical “She takes the care to the fourth level” should be car P7 “corned beef” small issue, but I feel like if they heard this whole exchange as they approach it might be better to put exactly what they overheard in quotes, since it’s a pretty specific idea. I do like how this exchange immediately establishes a lot about the family and their dynamic P8 “should tell her that I’m” I think should have an ellipsis or em dash? P10 “car painted pink” nice

Hi sorry, still completeing my critiques for this week, but I would like a spot for monday as well!

This is the correct one!Sorry, its the 24th submission but I have done multiple chapters in one before, so it's not lined up. Sorry for the confusion. As for the anachronisms and modern diction, this is intended to be a satirical work/humorous, so it is a little intentional, but I am still interested to know if it gets annoying, so I still appreciate the comments. Thanks! These and the others are good suggestions Haha thank you! I'm glad you like the story despite missing some context. Thanks for the insights!

Hey all, thanks again for reading. This week we have processing the events of last week's submission, and then confronting T about the allegations. This is mainly setting up A to be extremely emotionally reliant on T, so I'm curious to see if it works, or if it seems like she is going along with the plan too willingly. Then of course, any other notes are also appreciated. Thanks!

Congrats on finishing and subbing the whole book! Big achievement, and very exciting. Looking back on the whole book, I think my main critique (and the one I bring up all the time, I know, sorry lol) is the dialogue. Some of it still reads a little awkwardly, especially when they speak in compound sentences I feel like. Not all of it mind you, but still some of it takes me a second to parse what exactly they are saying when the sentences go long. There's also the issue of the episodic/repetitive nature of it, which I'm not sure how to solve. Overall though, I don't think its really that big of an issue. At least, I don't think it will be. Especially since this is targeted more for a highschool audience, I think it's fine, since it reads a little like a tv show, or like persona as we have discussed. I wonder if you could lean into it even harder, having each arc have a section titled "episode 2" or "Part 2" or whatever. Idk, just spitballing. But overall, I really like the way the book treats pyschology and mental health, and I feel like it takes a better approach even then a lot of books nowadays with the push for better representation, because this book actually talks about how the ways that these issues are treated still aren't great, especially related to neurodivergency. With the final chapters sepcifically, I think it's a pretty good wrap up to the story, and I think the direction the romance with K is going is really good. Other than that, most of my notes are just in LBL's But yeah, congrats! Pg1 “even the adults were worried” I would suggest maybe “grown-ups” instead of adults? IDK, that’s completely up to you, but again makes him sound more like a kid P2 “If you’re awkward as ever” I feel like this clause could be cut, I think it’s implied “I return the grin” Nice, I like this. I feel like this works even though they haven’t had a ton of interactions on page Pg 3 “electroshock machine” I thought it was like a projector type thing? Was it revealed that it was actually an electroshock thing? If so I don’t remember that Pg 7 I honestly think this is valid. I mean, confirming that it was a person, then killing them anyway is a pretty serious moral conundrum. TBH having J be so nonchalant about it/not questioning it is a little out of character IMO when he questions almost everything else “Blind spots” I guess he does recognize it a little Pg 8 “that sounds more pathetic” lol. “So when you get into bed” honestly I would not have thought about this beforehand, the fact that K did is very thoughtful, but I also wonder if it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy to bring it up Pg 10 I like this section, it’s very sweet Pg 15 “doesn’t mean beholden” should have “doesn’t mean I am beholden” I think

I'll take a slot for monday please!

I saw them, thanks for reading and thanks for the input!

Hey all! Thanks for reading, again. This week is mainly fallout from the events of last week's submission. Just mainly want to see what works and what doesn't like usual, and to see if the big event makes sense to happens here, ie, follows logically. Also looking to see if the flashback in this chapter works for the big secret it has been established to be earlier, and if the introduction of prophecies here doesn't seem to be too out of left field. I want it to feel a little like that since it is supposed to blindside the reader as much as A, and I feel like the setting has been established enough as a trope-filled magical world for it to not seem random, but I want to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

I would also like a spot for tomorrow please!

So I'm a little conflicted with this one, because the electroshock therapy is IMO a bit of a moral line that crossing seems out of character for J, even if it gives the doppleganger a taste of their own medicine. That being said, I do like that they got their comeuppance and realized they are just as vulnerable as anybody else. That being said, as was brought up, explicitly making it human does make what happened murder, so thats also something to consider I guess. Overall, I think it's a good chapter and a good way to resolve the main conflict, but am a little conlficted since it does seem a bit out of character. But congrats! I think this has been a good story, and this is a fitting conclusion. As for the "deciding to win and then it happens" maybe a little bit more of writing around J having to focus before undoing the clamps, or something to that effect? Drawing more attention to the fact that he is just as in control as the Labyrinth is. Pg1 This is probably just personal taste but I think that “favorites movies with you, and…” should be two separate sentences Pg 4 “I start missing you” ahh, very sweet Overall, I feel like this chapter could be condensed with the other, when M and Mx P came to see J, so they all come in at the same time, maybe? Actually, I don’t know if that would be better, but having two separate groups come in to encourage him draws more attention to the trope of the power of friendship trope, IMO “The clamps will open” is this J exerting control over the reality or was it some predetermined thing? “Hot chick” consider: since they’re from the 60’s I think they should say “broad” Pg 6 “Shatter everything” badass

Hey all! Thanks again for reading. Here we have the second part of the big dragon battle, and one of the main turning points for a certain character. Most of what I'm looking for is the same as the last sub, namely: does it go on for too long, do the character moments make sense, does it work as an action scene? The goal for it is to feel frantic, which I hope this achieves, but I'm not sure. Any notes appreciated! Additional tags for torture and discussions of murder

i would like a spot please!

Hey all! Thanks again for reading. This week skips a little bit again since I decided to rewrite the prior section. I might go back and still sub the missing portion at some point once I have rewritten it. Basically, A and S encounter a group of cursed people like A who are also fighters, who agree to help. They convince A to play the violin for them, which she hasn't done in a long time, and Silence finally admits to itself that it doesn't think that they should die, even if they are cursed. Anyway, I still feel like leaving some of the details of the plan that we see unfold here unexplained beforehand work, but I would like to know if it seems too out of nowhere or confusing. And if the action scene works or goes on for too long. Thanks!

I would like a spot for this week if its not too late please!

I'm definitely interested to see exactly what revelation J got that makes him feel like he can get out of this one. Overall, good sub and it feels like we are definitely getting close to the end. The electroshock definitely made me uncomfortable, which is probably what you are going for. I'm hoping J's insights that he gained of the doppleganger will play into how he defeats it. Sorry I don't have more notes on the interactions, but I'm excited to see where this goes! Pg 1 “so how do I work around that” might want a new sentence after “situation” “Did me thinking” honestly that might be the problem haha “Beaks tear into” wait, does she not just poof away like normal? Wait nvm I see that later down. Pg 2 I do like this confrontation so far. Really gets to the core of what it believes vs what J believes “Databases” nice Pg 3 “Without pain” This discussion seems to be more about physical pain, which makes sense since that is a part of classical conditioning, but also it seems like most of its tactics so far have had to do with inflicting emotional pain as well, which is more what I associate it with, though it has taken a step up in the physical punishments “Digging into” I like this line Yeah the introduction of the electrosock machine legitimately gives me an icky feeling, mostly that is as a queer person (and who lives near BYU, which is infamous for using electroshock ‘therapy’ on queer students). It definitely evokes bad emotions for me. So it makes me very afraid for J for sure Pg 4 “exploited all” not sure what this is saying Pg 6 “look online right now” Okay, but like you can find any opinion online haha. I feel like this is not as strong of characterization as it could be, because saying “you’ll find comments of people saying this” feels a little weaker than just making the claim about (for instance) the antivaxxers itself, Then it could say that lots of people agree with it online Pg 7 “the one claim about pain” I am not sure what this sentence is saying I’m hoping the appearance of P isn’t just DEM. I hope J is still able to find a solution to the doppleganger himself Okay, it seems like that is not the case haha I like the direction that them appearing is setting it actually I’m glad he’s finally approaching this larger issue of thinking he’s unlikable