TheSadDragon

A lot of things have already been said so I'll try to not repeat anything too much in detail. Chapter 1: I had a hard time getting into the flow of the narration for the first few lines. Partly i think this might be due to the disembodied voice of the narrator in the first chapter but I also think that the style of writing isn't what I normally read. I did managed to get into it quite well when I adopted the same narrator voice and rhythm that I employed when reading Hitchhikers Guide -- worked really well, even though the story isn't as whimsical. Some of the descriptions feel a bit redundant and didn't add anything to the story of 3-Mac. Overall I enjoyed the plot chapter 1. The only real problem i had when i was reading it was that I had a problem, at first, to identify if the voice belonged to 3-Mac or not. At first i thought it was 3-Mac that had 'awoken' but it turned out to be a voice speaking to him -- still unsure how they are communicating. After the realizing this I had no problem with who the voice belonged to. Chapter 2. This chapter didn't really grip me as much. In part I write this down to the fact that its a whole new set of characters and I prefer to get to know one set before I get introduced to more. The narration style change also did seem a bit strange as you went more limited style here rather than the omniscient of the first chapter. The description problem of chapter 1 still applies here, though here it's not so much that its redundant but just more blocks of description. I would have liked to see them more broken up by some dialogue or actions to make the text flow more. I have a tendency to gloss over big description/info dumps but if you weave them into a dialogue or something else you get the description as a bonus. I'm unsure what to think about the fact that Rain never got chosen as she seems like the main character. She seems like the main character and not having her chosen only strands her at home or lessens the selection. That said, it was unexpected and I do like it -- just not sure if it's going to end up feeling like she didn't get chosen simply because it would have been too 'cliché' or obvious. As long as you can avoid that I'll have nothing to complain about regarding that part of the plot I do like the world building, especially the run down nature of the factories in chapter 1 and the mystery of the machine capital in chapter 2. It created a nice opposition of ideas as the machine capital does sound shiny though we already know that the machine world can be more rust than chrome ^^ Overall: After reading both chapters, chapter 1 felt more like a prologue than a first chapter. Most of this is due to the style change and the change of characters and setting so that might be something to think about. Got plenty of potential so just keep at it and polish it once it's done -TSD

Could you please elaborate what exactly about the story made you make this connection. -TSD

Hello All, It's great to be back and started with the writing again. This is the first two chapters of my Steampunk-noir story. It's 5400 words (not counting the chapter titles). So if it's a bit on the long side, you can always skip chapter 2 (seems the two chapters grew with 500 words after I went through em again -- sorry about that). Looking forward to reading your feedback! -TSD

Hello all, Just wanted to check if there's still room for next week? If so, put me down for a submission Good to be back! -TSD

Hope you have a great stay in Japan. Should be cooling down to reasonable temperatures this time of year ^^

Would just like to say that I'm back and starting with next weeks submissions I should be picking up the critiquing again -TSD

Ok, I'll bite ^^ Before I start listing the various titles that caught my interest I should say that I almost never, if at all, buy a book due to it's title. In fact I am more likely to take a closer look at a book due to how the cover is designed. If it has nice cover art or a clean spine AND a intriguing title I am very likely to look closer at the book, reading the back of the book and such. That said, here are the titles that caught me eye. Trizee The Winter Wars Earth and Steel I would add "M" but that more or less caught my eye due to the Fritz Lang movie with the same name. Still a good name though. Stroniax Dylan Fell and the Day that Mornings End Age to Age, We Fall Beyond the Barrier of Mist That Which Lurks Beneath I would like to say that I have to agree with what the others have said regarding the naming pattern "Name and the X". I wouldn't say that it sounds like a YA book, though there are enough examples of that to make a case for it -- there are also plenty of examples of old 50's Stories using this pattern. For me personally the naming pattern brings with it some preconceptions that doesn't fit well with more serious types of Fantasy. Could still work great though! Would just like to add that I really like "Age to Age, We Fall". It is a great title. Silk Passage to Zero Fall Stars Fall False Positives The Ringing Horn Just plain good titles so don't really have anything to add here ^^; Guenhywvar Turmoil The Traveler The Silent Shadows Just want to add that "Equilibrium" is definitely one of those titles were I already have a clear reference in mind when I think -- thinking here of the movie with the same name. ^^; Disclaimer: I am more of an audio-book person and most of the book I have read in resent past have been by recommendation or because I have been intrigued by the series from another source, such as a movie adaptation or a game. As for my own titles: Short Stories Broken Circle A Flickering Light Rites Blade and Shadow Runeblade Series The Giant of Tyrel Swords of the Order Shadow of the Past The Blade of Shadows Steamtown Series A Missing Soul The Last Goodbye Of the none-short stories no project has yet to be finished. Current project I'm working on is "A Missing Soul". I have written 1 chapter of "The Giant of Tyral" in Swedish -- which is more than likely the first and last time I try writing something in Swedish. -The Sad Dragon

Not sure if this is the one but its the only one I have found so far http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com/4053.html And with that it is time for me to sleep. nn all. -TSD

Not sure I will be participating in NaNo as I'm planning to have the first draft of my book ready before November and maybe even having started revisions by then -- though there is a big NaNo group in Sweden apparently. If it helps though I could always try and get a revision done during the month or help any keeping the spirits up any way I can. Maybe work on a few smaller short stories instead of making one big 40k+ novel during the same time. -TSD

Hello all, As you all might have seen I haven't been too active in the Reading Excuses group the last couple of weeks. The last few weeks have been one big roller-coaster. Between a major upgrade at work, running around half the town to get myself an apartment -- finally \o/ -- and preparing for my vacation there, sadly, hasn't been enough of my time to go around Vacation time is now here and if all goes well I should board my plane for Japan in ~20hours. Not sure how much I am going to be active with the community for the 3 weeks I'm over there -- though I do intend to write as much as I can while my friend is at work -- so if I seem to disappear from the forums over the next 3 weeks you know why. I will, however, try to be on the IRC when I can so feel free to drop in there and poke me if you want me to give feedback on something specific or just discuss some plot point. So to sum up: I am alive and still here, even if I might not get much feedback work done before I get back home from Japan -- but if I'm logged in to the chat you can always ask me things. Best Regards, TheSadDragon

I found nothing wrong with those last few pages. I would even say that you weren't even close to any lines that may have been crossed. You are in the clear -TSD

Ashamed to think it took me so long to get around to it. But here it is! My feedback for chapter 1&2. Chapter 1: Overview: I remember reading through the chapter the first time and feeling that it felt more like a prologue than a first chapter -- I think I might even have mentioned it to you on IRC. Part of this, I think, is due to the lack of conflict or mystery. I didnt feel like there was any real hook that grabbed me. We don't know much about Dalen or his motivations, only that he achieves his goal with appearant ease. I must say that the chapter did get a bit better on the second readin though, after having read the prologue as the prologue added another layer to it. Ganril and Lanath: I have to admit I would never have spotted them had you not pointed out the name changes -- in fact, I missed them both the first readthough. The fact that they are there makes the prologue seem more integrated in the plot, but at the same time there is also a disconnect between the the prologue and the first chapter. Why does Ganril remain hidden? It does introduce some mystery but at the same time you also make it seem like there has been a falling out between Ganril and Lanath. Now this could be a story all on it's own but at the same time we just read them swaring an bloodoath to take vengence on the emperor so the it makes it seem very odd. It does give chapter one some more depth, which is nice, but I think it still needs some clarification. Fight scenes: You seem to have a problem adding tention to the fight scenes. There was some tension when Celias stepped up and we see that he too is trained in Alkeri weapons. The tension don't last long however. Dalen is just way too good a figher for such tension to last. There is ways to make a really a fight with a really capable fighter interesting without relying on tension. Anticipation is often a better tool to emply then. The characters moment of triumph isn't about victory over a harder foe but rather it is when they stop 'holding back' and show what they are truly made of. It might not be the most logical fight in the history of fights, why would you hold back when you are taking a beating after all? Trust me though it works, and depending on setting there might actually be good reasons for hold back. There are of course other ways too but I felt like I should mention that the alternatives are there. Misc: I liked the characters -- more so after the re-read but I still liked them the first time through as well. I kept looking for any semblance of an antagonist though -- but I put that down to me trying to find a potential conflic rather than me thinking that the chapter needing an antagonist of any form ^^; Speaking of characters, I am wondering if the chapter might have gotten a bit deeper if it also had a POV section from Ganril. It might help clear things up a bit -- though for all I know that would ruin parts of the plot further ahead, but I felt like I should throw it out there. As it stands I still think it feels more like a prologue/into than a chapter 1, its a good story but it is also very selfcontained and doesn't seem to have anything directly to do with chapter 2. Speaking of chapter 2... Chapter 2: Overview: I really liked chapter 2. It had a strong start and I felt the whole chapter had was solid. I did think that it was a big all out siege going on at the start though so the guards leaning back against the wall took me a bit of guard. This might be due to the apparent urgency that at the beginning of the chapter with details like the Stimulus herb that Asmodemon mentioned. Other than that I can't recall any moments that took me out of the story or made me pause. Purifier: I liked this one a lot, and the cataloging of the herbs in particular. It was a small line but it really added a lot of flavour to me. From what I can gather part of the reason this role isn't seen as a worthy part seems to be the inherent compassion of the role -- it is hard to try and heal people if you don't care if they live or die after all. It would be an interesting conflict so see between the view of the society -- and its religion -- and the role of the purifier. I imagine its a role everyone wants to be filled, in case they ever have need of it, but has an inherent stigma to it. In a way it makes the role even more of a noble one. Religion Just felt I should point out some conflicting parts. You could argue that when Krath 'died' he didn't simply punish humanity for their sins he too showed compassion in giving them the gift of Krathsteeel. Even in death he showed compassion. Of course this isn't really a conflict as such but for a society that sees compassion as a weakness -- and as one of its core tenets no less -- it seems like a bit of an oversight. I mean someone must have thought something similar as I did in the history of the world. Misc Dalen's illness comes a bit out of the blue, adding to the prologue feel of the first chapter. A lot of things seem to have happened between chapter 1 and 2 if such a severe illness is now threatening Dalen's life. On page 19: This comes right after a long discussion about the dying soldier. Even though it's on a new line this line read like Aiden knew the dying soldier would find no place in the Halls rather than Aiden himself not having a place in the Halls when he dies. Ignoring the typo, the warmth is not seen but rather felt right? On Page 23: It almost felt like you had suddenly switch POV for about half a paragraph. Parts of this paragraph is how she feels about it and also, she had known him not he had known her. Sum up: I like what I have read and I like the setting. There are a few things that I got stuck on -- as seen above -- but nothing that would keep me from continuing with the novel. Less LoL and more writing -TSD

Here comes some more feedback! \o/ Prologue I have to agree with Aminar in regards to it not feeling as a prologue. I think this is due to the pacing and characterisation that takes place during the prologue. It feels more like a chapter 1 than a prologue. A prologue is there to give the reader some idea about the setting/plot/etc. and if i read this one right I'm guessing it is there to set up the conflict between the two lords and the emperor. I am guessing that this plot is the main plot of the story but won't be touched upon for, at the very least, a few chapters -- alt. it might be a 'sub-plot' that ignites the real plot and runs parallel with it. If this is the case I would suggest trying to make the prologue more self-contained; ending the prologue with more of a focus on something coming to an end rather than something new beginning. Now, if it's a plot that will come back soon you might not need to worry so much about making it as 'self-contained', but I would still suggest making it a bit more 'self-contained'. Fight Scene While I agree with that has been said in regards to tension I have to disagree about the other parts, for while I didn't really feel that our two protagonists was in any danger the fight it self didn't bother me. I should probably point out that I am not that fond of strictly realistic fights, and while I don't want fights to brake any and all rules of physics, time and space I do put Rule-of-cool before realism -- I want to be entertained after all. You do have a good opportunity to introduce more about the Krathsteel blades here though, so you might be able to shift the focus of the fight away from the fight itself and more to introduce the blades. The Fire Here I had no problem following, though this might be because we have talked about how Krathsteel works. I felt that it was a nice touch, and I found the fact the twinblades blades still held the fire intriguing. Though if you want to clarify it some more you could easily tie it in with an explanation of Krathsteel -- perhaps divide it into two parts making it less of a info-dump. Explain how the fire surges through them from the blade when they draw it the first time and then go into the experience part when they fight -- perhaps even make the fight showcase the experience part rather than being a fight. Misc The relationship between Ganril and Relia felt odd. From his insistence that she would never come to the city, to her one line of dialogue to him. At that point I wasn't sure they had ever really loved each other, yet by the end Ganril swears to avenge her -- going up against the emperor to do so. All in all, I did like the prologue and I would have kept reading chapter one for sure. -TheSadDragon

Hello all, Here is the first chapter of the novel I'm currently working on. The working title being "The Lady and The Fool" -- a title that is probably going to change as soon as I think of a better name XD I hope you all enjoy reading it, for I will enjoy reading the feedback -TSD

Silk, You got spots left for next week? If so could you put me down as tentative? I should have a chapter done before submission date -- and if not you are free to track me down and punch me in the face XD -TSD

Hello, time for some feedback! First of all I have to say that I really liked the idea of the setting, though it might run the risk of being a bit all over the place. Still, dinosaurs and nuclear tech = win. I felt that the pacing for the chapter was good over all. A lot of things happened but it didn't get overwhelming, and it kept me reading. That said there were some things that brought me out of the story: The Grumr The use of "The Grumr" feels a bit awkward -- especially when its Grumr's P.O.V. It just felt a bit unnatural -- even when used outside of his P.O.V. It might just be that I lack some context but I think it's use could have been toned down in favour of Heinrich or simply the Grumr -- and even 'he' in some places. Info-dumps Now, I don't mind info dumps I just feel that they could have been smoother. Having them be coloured by the situation and the P.O.V character. This should make the info-dumps feel less like exposition and more like the thought of the character -- even if it's done for the readers benefit. And trust me, there were some really interesting concepts thrown in to this chapter in the info-dumps so the last thing I want to do is to say that you should get rid of them -- I would just like them to be more personal Repetition There is a lot of repetition in the text. Often you mention something in one sentence and repeat a version of it in the following sentence. It kind of messes with the flow of the text, i feel. Good news is that it's something that's easily fixed in revisions ^^ Some examples: Grumr Grumr's constant cursing seems very forces. I tend to use curse-words a lot in real life so I'm not bothered when others do it, but cursing in every single sentence makes it seem forced to the point that even I felt a bit annoyed by it. On a similar note he did seem a bit moronic when he started going at it with the female cheshire. A few moments earlier he seemed to think his luck had run out as she came upon him and then he goes and insults her -- just felt really strange to me. Now it might be that they aren't as big a threat as I thought they were but in the context I had this felt a bit off to me. Iraisa How does Iraisa know Keth's name in her P.O.V? Maybe this is mentioned in an earlier chapter, but the way she thinks of him as she wakes up (see below) makes me thing that she wouldn't know his name. Is this due to the mind melding? I found a P.O.V "error" at the end of Iraisa's part. You state what Keth does after stating that she passed out. It could be fixed by saying that "as she slipped into unconsciousness she could feel him letting go..." so I don't really call it an error but still something you might want to take a quick look at ^^; The Language Lastly we come to one thing that actually drew me out of the story. The language of Iraisa's people. The language itself is interesting but some of the descriptions rubbed me the wrong way. Would flashing light words not be public or less vague? I mean anyone should be able to read it, in that regard it feels like it should be no different from verbal communication. I do like the lampshading of her text conveying emotion though! -- as it is generally thought, if not necessary always true, that text is only about 7% of the total message. My only wonder about the simultaneous transmissions is that if they can have a two person communication with more than one transmission they must have pretty quick minds to pick up and translate text that goes as quickly as they describe it. Which would make her P.O.V really interesting ^^ Learning the Language Might have missed this as I haven't read the previous chapters, but Keth's understanding of the language feels very convenient and sudden. He basically seems to learn it in one paragraph, though we do get hints that he has at least studied it some. The same problem is made in reverse when Keth gives her speech in no time at all. By contrast look at the original Star Gate movie, it takes a long time before Daniel figures out how to communicate with the natives, despite being well versed in a very similar language. The reason he does learn is that he basically finds another Rosetta Stone. Of course Keth might already have been close to understanding the language in previous chapters and the mind melding provided the last piece that made it all start to make sense -- in which case I think it could use some clarification but it no longer feels sudden, nor out of the blue. I think that for me it basically boils down to it being a bit out of the blue. It feels like you created the culture and the unique language and then realised it would hamper the story telling so you basically pulled a "a wizard did it" to solve the problem. Granted this is done quite a lot in scifi with translator gadgets but for some reason I didn't really feel like it worked here. I'm not really sure why sadly. I mean its basically the same as how they solve the problem in Farscape but for some reason it never bothered me there :/ I think it might be because there are a period were the audience gets to understand the language barrier problem and thus the payoff of them being able to communicate seems like an achievement. We want them to learn cause we want to know what is being said. I never really felt that here. Maybe in part due to how quickly it was resolved and maybe in part because I had already gotten a P.O.V from the girls perspective so I already knew what she was thinking and feeling. I don't really know if I can be more specific :/ Sorry I couldn't be of more help Conclusion I liked the story, there are some things that I felt got in the way of the storytelling but nothing plot wise, and nothing that can't be fixed. Looking forward to your next submission! Best Regards, The Sad Dragon

Talked with Guenhywar about Turmoil on IRC but thought i would post the feedback in here for the sake of posterity 1. I didn't have too much problem with the gods, or rather the mages in the beginning of the book. Though that might be due to the fact that I did not think that they were that strong as others in here has gotten the impression that they were. Sure, I did think they were powerful just in the same way that Rand is powerful. He is strong but still seem to be far from unstoppable. 2. There was too much magic too soon, or perhaps just too descriptive. I mean there is quite a lot of magic being thrown around but it's mages doing things so its kind of to be expected. The descriptive side could perhaps be tuned down and introduces little by little instead. 3. The war-part lacked any tension. This is mostly due to it being in a prologue and having a prologue where the good guys win doesn't make for an interesting story. The addition of the prophesy is pretty much a dead giveaway that she will die which only disarms what little tension was there -- after all both of them could have died to maintain the status quo. --- One other point based on the IRC discussion. 1. I'm still not sure about the Gods and their affect on the tension and general conflict. With proper characterization I do not doubt that it will work, but you still have 5 people that can end the conflict whenever they choose to. That is all for now. -TSD

Hello all, I thought I should create this thread to give some instructions on how to get started using IRC as well as going through the basics for those of you who have never been on IRC before. Basic Info There are currently two chat channels registered for our little part of the forum these two channels are: #writingexcuses #readingexcuses I registered both as I'm not sure if it should be exclusively for reading excuses or not. But how do I join the channels i hear you ask. It is actually not that tricky all you need is an IRC client -- which incidentally is what the next section is all about. IRC Client The fastest way to get started it to use the webclient over at: http://webchat.freenode.net This client is also embedded on the 17th Shard page and can be found at the Chat tab. To join multiple channels at ones you simply type the name of all channels (# included) separated by commas, without any spaces. So joining both of the channels mentioned above you would type: #writingexcuses,#readingexcuses For those of you who are using an Android device I can also recommend AndChat. If you use said client you will have to add the freenode irc server to the list of servers to be able to connect. The Server address is: irc.freenode.net Useful commands to know "/join #xyz" = joins channel xyz "/nick xyz" = change your nickname to xyz "/me" = basic emote command example of /me -- your nickname is xyz if you simply type out "is tired" it will be displayed as xyz: is tired using /me turns this into *xyz is tired Think thats it for now, I'll post more when i think of it. -The Sad Dragon

Registered #writingexcuses and #readingexcuses on Freenode. Can hand over ownership later if required. To join simply go to http://webchat.freenode.net if you dont have an IRC client -TSD

Just point out that there are drawbacks, though I still think you guys should try it out. As said I wouldnt be able to contribute much from the form myself -- there is a reason i prefer audiobooks over regular ones -- but any contribution is always better than none. As for discussions. I pitched the idea a bit in a pm but I might as well bring it up here as well 17th Shard has a IRC channel on freenode which can easily be accessed. What about having a RE channel? IRC as all IM services lends itself far better to discussion and if nothing else it might be a nice place to hang out. If it seems like a good idea i can set up a channel. -TSD

I can see many problems with the drop box approach, but I can also understand the problem with how things currently work. Just to reiterate though, the way I'm reading the problem is as follows: The problem with the way we do things now is that some feel they cant get feedback on the whole novel within a reasonable time frame. This is due to many people wanting submitting and thus you might only get to post 5k words every other or third week, which can add up to 1 chapter submitted every 2 submissions -- or about every 4-6 weeks. Assuming you then have about say 10 chapters that would add up to about 1 novel in about 40-60 weeks. Assuming a 100k word novel. Now personally i don't think that sounds too bad myself, especially since i might not have to submit every single chapter to the writing group -- though i wouldn't mind doing so . In my previous group some people used to jump around quite a lot in terms of where in the book we where reading.Some chapters just gave them more trouble and they wanted to focus on that rather than going strictly chapter by chapter. To solve the confusion we always included a small summary of what had happened in the story since we last read. Another trick could be to split up the group. If we say have 12 active members than we split it to 3 groups so that everyone can submit every week. Have each group focused on giving feedback primarily on the submissions of the members of that group. This would have to be flexible though as if suddenly some people becomes less active -- to the point of them not giving feedback -- we might end up with a group with only 2 active members. I can also foresee problems with the dropbox solution. The main one that would affect me is that I just wouldn't be able to give feedback. I read very slowly, I even have problem to read all the submissions for one week and try and give meaningful feedback on them as well as work on my novel as it is. I already have a backlog of chapters I want to get feedback done on before I can relax and start thinking about submitting again. Now the problem here isn't just the possible length of the dropbox 'submissions' -- though for me this might very well be the main problem -- it is also that you might not be 'prompted' to give feedback as much as with something that comes to you instead of you having to seek it out. As for the feedback examples for the dropbox idea isn't that a bit of a shallow mark. I mean sure I can say something like "this chapter needs more conflict" and "this character acts out of character" but without context and explanation as to why I think so it doesn't give you that much more than "it was ok" would. In fact it might actually throw you off cause the solution to me thinking that it needs more conflict might actually not be more conflict -- something that might only become apparent if looking at the reason behind my assumption that more conflict would solve the chapter. Another thing to note is that if you want broader feedback that can also be done with the current setup so this might be a bit of a side note -- though the problems with broad feedback would still be there. I'm not saying the dropbox solution, or the current set up, are a bad ideas, just that they both have drawbacks -- and that is something to consider. Best Regards, The Sad Dragon

Hello, hello just finished going through this one and while i feel far from the target audience for this I think it has some great potential. I have to say that when i started reading this I immediately thought of Sophies' World -- not that they are the same but it felt like they might have similar goals. I for one didn't really have any problem with Isaac as the POV character, in fact, i think he needs to be the POV character if you want to go the 'edutainment' route. Sure it might be mostly tangential learning that will happen -- depending on how much time we get to spend with the grates and how much of their ideas you wans to flesh out in the story itself. You have Isaac as the unlearned person which, i assume, will learn all about the greats and their contributions to our history throughout the story. The Mother having the role of someone who already knows things, though from what I have read so far I think she also has room to learn and grow. Sadly there are some problems with the story as it is now. I agree with cjhutti that chronological order might be the best way to go -- thats to say, chronological for Isaac. I would even go so far as to suggest starting with how Isaac's father disappeared which can serve as a starting point for the quest to get him back. The quest seems to already be there but I think knowing about it, or even following Isaac as he and his mother decides to embark on said quest would be more effective. It would give Isaac a reason to be more active in the story and would also let the readers invent more in learning about the Greats as they seem to be the key to getting the father back. This was, perhapps, the only one thing that I didn't like in the whole story -- as well a few similar lines. For me this broke the flow of the story though I still think you can add breaks if you want but I would put them in the scene rather then breaking the narrative. Overall I found it an easy read and I and as I have the next ~4k words I don't have to look forward to getting more to read, I can just go ahead and read -TSD

Thanks for all the constructive feedback! You all really made me feel welcome in the group -- and judging by the feedback, what a group So about the questions and the story. I feel like I have a confession to make, and it might be a bit on the long side so bear with me. This world and universe is something i have been building for some time now, off and on, primarily for the purpose of a Pen and Paper RPG I'm also making. Though thats not true either... The RPG is one part of it but I was also looking to using it as a basis for a few different novels that have been floating round in my head. Though there are a few things I wasn't sure about how they would work in the text only medium -- and that's where Blade and Shadow came into the picture as a proof of concept. To be more precisely it was the abilities of the runblade that I wasn't sure how they would come across. So i wrote this story and had some people familiar with the game system and world read it and also send it in as my first submission here. Thankfully it would seem that it worked, though it could use some tweaking. I'm sorry i couldn't go in to this earlier but i wanted some honest outside eyes on it to see if it worked or not. Hope you guys don't mind too much >_<;; Now with that said, let's get to the questions! First Sleep This is indeed referring to the theory that Humans used to have segmented sleep before the industrial revolution. Basically studies and literature suggests that we used to sleep in two ~4 hours segments with a waking period of 1-2 hours in between. There are no real good names for the segments but some sources suggests first and second sleep -- something that makes me think of hobbits for some odd reason ^^; Night Candles There are many types of night candles from cheap ones that only last for one sleep period to those who will last a whole week as well as providing soothing incense for its duration. The main function of the candle is cjhutti deduced to ward against malevolent spirits. This is not a wives' tale but a real working method to keep you safe while you sleep. There are other ways of guarding yourself against the fiends lurking in the night, such as runic wards, but the candles are usually the method of choice. This also results in that various materials for making candle wax are used, as well as used wax being recycled when it can be. Ethranel This is the W.I.P (Word in progress) used as a title of wielder of a runeblade from the runeblades perspective. It's not something all Runeblades use as the level of formality between blade and wielder varies. The word itself, as the blades, are things from when the world was whole and as such not a thing if ages passed -- 2 ages to be precise, though the blades might be even older. I guess what I'm trying to say is that is in an ancient tongue ^^; As a final note I'm sad to say that there is currently no continuation planned for this but who knows right If any other questions pop up feel free to post them here or PM me! Again, thanks for the awesome feedback you guys have helped a ton! PS. If anyone can answer the question of why i can seem to get though and thought right when I write stories but only when I'm chatting or otherwise typing along feel free to give me said answer as I'm currently going mad >_<;

Hello, Sorry for the late feedback, been a bit of a hectic week ^^; First of all I have to agree with what has been said above: The story is well written. The pacing might be a bit on the slow side but its a good slow where the story takes some time to build things up rather than feeling drawn out. Speaking of the build up that is another plus. You never give too much information that it feels like a info dump but just enough to give us an idea of the world and how things look. There were two things that puzzled me, the first being what S.O.M. stands for and the other being drugs vs food. There were also a few sentences that confused me a bit: Both of these feels like the contradict themselves. Tourists are ignored but they make easy marks which would indicate that they are not ignored. They are also hated which also indicates that people notices them in a negative way. Wouldn't a local stand out less and thus not be noticed? As for the second quote you start off by saying how the urchin wouldn't notice the narrowing of his eyes and than in the next sentence he does notice something. While the text indicates that the urchin might not have noticed the true nature of the narrowing it kind of reads like he does at least partially understand. Now this is nothing bad but it felt a bit strange having them back to back. There was also one line im not sure added anything to the story, though I dont know what you know so ill leave that one to you Finally i have to add that this one is a strange beast -- it is well written, its scifi but at the same time I never really feel engaged. I think this is mostly due to me really not liking the POV character. He feels cold and without any traits that makes me being able to sympathise with him. Most of this comes from how he treats Bethany without any guild or remorse what so ever and also that we don't really get a good reason for why he needs to use her -- it's also implied that she isn't the first one he has used like this. Now I have read stories where the main character -- assuming this is the main character -- isn't perhaps the most socially competent person around. In those stories the main character usually have at least some redeeming quality that lets us root for them or a side kick that serves that purpose. It is quite possible we will get either of those as the story goes along but I feel that opening the story without either can risk putting people off. Despite all this I'm looking forward to seeing how S.O.M.'s character develops. -TSD

Hectic week is hectic. With weekend soon come to an end however I finally have some time to play catch up! This was quite an interesting read for many reasons. As I was reading this chapter I was expecting to be introduced to the antagonist of the story -- something that didn't happen like i thought it would. So far it seems like there is simple two sides of a conflict neither good not bad just conflicting. The Lord didn't seem like a tyrant or anything just royally pissed for having been stolen from. I find the setup really nice as well. When the reward and pardon comes out there will be a lot of shady characters out for the crystals. I can easily see all types of crooks going after them in hopes of the pardon -- and if Alberic is lucky they might even do themselves in and make his job easier. From Jorah's side it makes for all kinds of conflicts of who he can trust. Even Dexter who was in on the hit can easily tip someone else of to where they can find the crystals if he wants to get rid of Jorah -- though it didn't feel like they were that much at odds but who knows. All in all I really liked how this chapter sets up the rest of the story. As for things I thought could have been done differently, I think most issues have been mentioned above. The 'Zen' bit does make you think of things in our world -- and while some people will be able to get over that and just roll with it for some it will throw them out of the immersion. If it is set in our world than it is a whole different story. There were also a couple of places where I felt you added words that felt like you could just do away with, without any impact on the story. Like the anyway in this sentence. This is of course minor stuff but still something I noted as it didn't make the text flow as well as I feel it could have. The last thing I found is that you seem to split up the same characters dialogue into different paragraphs rather than keeping them together -- something that I found a bit confusing as from my experience this isn't normally done. It might just be that I'm trained from reading other books to interpret the new paragraphs as someone else's dialogue but the content here makes it clear its the same character that is speaking. In general I think you might be a bit to happy in making new paragraphs ^^; That said, I didn't have any problems following the story told in this chapter but I felt I should mention it so that you are aware of it. Definitely looking forward to reading the next chapter! -TSD