TheSadDragon

Hello all, Just wanted to quickly adress something Guenhywvar said above -- grammer feedback. While I dont want to bring the focus too grammer mistakes i very much appreciate getting feedback on my grammer. As Guenhywvar noted above, English is not my native tongue which makes grammer a bit of a trouble area for me as I have a hard time catching mistakes. That said, grammer can always be fixed. Content trouble on the other hand can be a much bigger issues in terms of the time it takes to make things right. I will answer questions though I'll wait until the weekend to give everyone a fair chance to give feedback on the text first -- as well as posting their own question, if they have any. Thanks for the feedback and looking forward to reading some more -TSD

Thanks for the tip about Caliber! Also, I prefer PDFs but as long as its a format i can read i can always convert it to pdfs for easy reading -TSD

Hello all, Here is the feedback thread for Blade and Shadow. Blade and Shadow is a short proof of concept were we get to follow Aethor, a high ranking Runeblade in the kings employ. As the whole story is about 2.5k words and is meant to be a stand alone I cant really go into much more detail without going into spoilers. The the story contains mild-violence, nothing graphical or detailed. Looking forward to your feedback! Best Regards, TheSadDragon

-I've always assumed when this sort of thing happens (the hero finds the convenient object), that otherwise there would be no story, so it's sort of required for coincidences to happen to have a really good tale! That's kind of been my thoughts as well, in tales like this, but I've been thinking I might want to have Jorah take it first, without the debate, then have the repercussions come out more fully later. Just wanted to say that I thought it was nicely handled. Sure it might be a convenient excuse to get the story moving but so far it didnt feel odd in any way. The real problem I can see comes from giving Jorah a good excuse to keep the gems -- assuming he keeps them ofc. -TSD

Hello! A bit late but I'm going to go through as many submissions as I can today and next week and since I didn't post my feedback in here last week i though I should rectify that first before moving to the newer submissions. First things first. I really liked the chapter. Even if i hadn't read the previous chapters I didn't feel too confused when reading -- this can both be a good an a bad thing. It felt like chapter 6 introduced that characters. There where no real conflict for the team as the heist never felt like it could go wrong so there where no real tension there, instead we had focus on the characters. This is part of why it worked so fell for me as I could learn about the characters without also having to pick up on much plot. The main plot hook, for me, came in chapter 7 which felt like this is where the story actually will start. Now there where still a few things that made me wonder and a few that felt odd to me. Most of this centers around the fact that the crew have been together for 2 years and from what I can tell Jorah has been thieving for at least that long. For easy reading I'll list it in list form and comment on each point in the list. 1. Did they do recon of the place? There are a number of small things I would have suspected that a group who has been pulling jobs for two years would have done before the night of the crime which this crew seem to have missed for one reason or another. 1.1 I would have suspected them to have planed where they were going to make their entrance and how -- as well as how they would get back out. As indicated by the scene at the door it doesn't seem that they have thought this through and are more operating on impulse rather than careful planing. 1.2 Knowing where to look for the loot inside the warehouse. While I'm not saying they should know exactly where things are I would expect them to have a good idea about where to find the items they are looking for. Maybe having staked out and watched as goods have been taken in and out and trying to get a good look inside to see if they can locate where the desired goods are stored. 2. Focused on the work. This is more or less only something related to Jorah. The scene where he has to brace Molly to help get the window open, I would expect Jorah to focus more at the task at hand first and his feelings of 'what am i doing' second. Of course the way it is written gives us a picture of Jorah as the naive one which might be exactly what you are going for. Personally I have liked to see it switched around and have him feel guilty for noting that her chull is firm rather than it being an after thought. Once they are inside the warehouse he does stop to notice things that are irrelevant to the heist itself (like the saddles) but it feels more like a throwaway line and not something he actively focuses on, which i feel add to the scene rather than being a lack of focus on his part. As this is from Jorah's POV i cant really say much about the rest of the crew in this regards. Molly did seem very reluctant to take the goods on the cart -- though this gets lampshaded by Dexter calling her out for being too paranoid. Now on to something more fun! Character Dynamics. I think you did a really good job here. In regards to the point 2 above I would like to use Dexter as a good example. He actually sides with Jorah when at the cart and it isn't until Kat starts getting all friendly with Jorah that we get the other side of him. He feels like a real person as he isn't just there to antagonise Jorah. I would say though that it's a bit strange that Jorah doesn't seem to feel any guild about Kat as he did feel uncomfortable with bracing Molly for the job. We also get to see them relax a bit more after the job is done and they go their different ways before going back to work when they are going to divide the loot. Chapter 7. This felt like a good hook and makes me want to read more -- which incidentally I will be doing once i have posted this post ^^ The only thing i can suggest about this chapter is to make it part of chapter 6, ending the chapter. This will provide a good break making the reader want to continue reading the next chapter. Looking forward to reading and writing feedback on your next chapter! -TSD

Hello, As you might have guessed by now, I couldn't make this weeks deadline Though if it's ok, could you add me to next weeks batch? I should have the story finished sometime tomorrow which leaves me some time to look it over, as well as focusing on giving more feedback this week. -TSD

Time for some feedbacking! \o/ First things first though. As this is chapter 15 and i have not read the previous chapters I'm making a lot of assumptions when reading this chapter. For instance i am guessing that the sonic explosion powers have already been explained as well as that state of the city and how Dais dad got captured. Overall I really liked the story. There were a few parts the got me confused which I will talk more about later but the text was well put together and well paced. I could easily picture the alliance guards standing in the alleyway with the two sound guys walking up the street on the other side of the corner. Even if I have no idea how the magic works you describe the effects well enough that it never gets confusing even for someone who jumped in 14 chapters too late ^^ I felt the dialogue was easy to follow and the different characters felt far enough from each other making it easy to keep them apart. That said there where also a few lines that i didn't feel added anything to the conversation or didn't go anywhere so lets start there. Here I felt that the quip didn't add much to the dialogue. There is no reaction to it making it just fall flat. Now it could be that it is meant to show that the second man is more focused on his task and as such ignores the quip. Though I'm assuming that the two men are not recurring characters, in which case that line could simply be removed. The final "Will you?" of the text above i feel could have been removed to improved the flow as Dais reply could follow after Acers statement. There is another thing with the quote above that bothers me, though this is purely on a aesthetic level so this is more a personal preference issue than anything else. Both of the quotes -- the first question of the second quote -- just feels off to me. I know its just that they have omitted a word. First sentence could have used a "that's" at the start and the second an "is". To me this kind of sticks out I'm sorry that I cant get more specific on why it sticks out but it just does. Perhaps it just works better when spoken aloud with the tone and accent of the speaker being heard which isn't really as present in text form -- though i honestly don't know. There are a few other things I'm not sure about -- though these might simply be things explained earlier but i thought i would being them up anyway. If it's just something explained earlier please ignore them. When I first read this I thought it was someone who had jumped down after him but now that i reread it sounds like its one of the crowd that jumps him. I also wonder about who the first person who fell over him was suppose to be. The man he fell on? or someone else? Here I just wonder what happened to his other arm, as i cant seem to find any indication that anything had happened to it. Here i am just assuming that the complexion is important to note -- and might even indicate that he is not from the region. Otherwise i think you could get away with shortening that line. And the next quote shall be my final one, promise ^^ You have already stated that Acer is a young man so instead of breaking up the flow it might work to remove the descriptor to speed it up a bit. something like: ... sergeant," Acer replied and continued with a frown "I've..." Might be a bad example as it lenghtens it a bit though but i hope you get what i mean ^^; A few more random things of little note: The Acer did make me stumble at first as it makes me think of computers -- Acer being a brand name, perhaps not the most well known but just thought I would mention it. For a moment I though it was Acer that saved Dais from his perusers at the end before you make it known who it was. The reason I thought this I think was in part due to jumping in at chapter 15 and also the fact that you mention him just before the Dais get pulled into the building. I also found a few places that I thought the punctuation was a bit of but I don't know if that type of feedback is something you want as that would be venturing into tiny details. Let me know though and ill make a new post dedicated to that if you want. Looking forward to chapter 16! ^^ Best Regards The Sad Dragon

Hello, I will keep it short, as I think the guys above mentioned everything I was going to. I do, however, have a few things to add. First of all I felt like you did a good job of explaining the difference in their philosophies on luck without having to spell it out -- though you did then go ahead and spell it out which is something I would say wasn't necessary and could, in fact, be removed. I would also like to address the Swedish to English translation. Being a Swede myself I can see that some of the problems might stem from the translation and the difference between the languages. As someone who has have had to translate parts of a story -- though in my case from English to Swedish rather than the other way around -- I know that it doesn't always come out as you want it to. Something I could suggest that might work for you is to not try and translate the story or even have the Swedish version around when you write. Instead simply start writing it from the beginning in English. You will still remember what you wanted to say but you wont be tied to the specific wording of the Swedish text. Hope that helps. -TSD

I wouldn't have it any other way /bow -TSD

Hello, I might have something to submit for next week. I'm not sure if I will be able to make it as I'm still working on the feedback for this weeks submissions -- something I want to have finished and posted before I can fully concentrate on my own submission. If I do get it finished it will be a proof-of-concept piece rather than part of an actual story -- or well, not part of the story I'm going to be writing and submitting here for now at least. Being that it is a poc. I wouldn't mind postponing another week if other people have more to post. PS. The Feedback should be posted tomorrow and/or Saturday -TSD

Good Evening all! I'm TheSadDragon, though don't let the name fool you -- I'm not really sad. Though for those of you who are wondering why the dragon is sad I'll sum it up in one word: Adventures. It hard for an honest dragon to keep a treasure hoard and maidens around with Adventurers skulking about... Anywho, so who am I? I work as an IT Consultant, which means a lot of traveling -- too much right now if you ask me. When I'm not working you will normally find me gaming, world building or designing something. As for writing I only really started writing last year (excluding creative writing essays that I had to write for my Gymnasium courses a ... few years back. Since I picked up writing again I have only managed to finish one short short story (~2500 words), one short story (~7500 words) and one shorter novelette (~10000 words). My current project (which is currently in the last stage of planing) is a mix of various influences and genres but I would describe it as a High Fantasy Steampunk Noir and I hope to be able to send you something from it soon™ In the mean time I am looking forward to giving feedback to you all and help in what way I can. Oh and I should mention I am from Sweden, though as I consume entertainment in all its forms mostly in English I have found it hard to write in my native tongue and have instead opted for writing in English. Sadly while I think I'm pretty good with the language I am not native, which does present its own problems -- problems that i don't mind tackling As for favourite book, books would have to be The Weel of Time. It might be a bit of an safe choice to pick WoT so let me step off the beaten path and also add a series by my favourite storyteller, Berserk by Kentaro Miura. Not really a books per say, which is why i don't list them as my favourite books ^^; Other works I like include; many of the short stories by H.P Lovecraft; The Dresden Files; and I also have a soft spot for Hideyuki Kikuchi's Vampire Hunter D series -- though I'm still not sure what it is that draws me to the series. I should probably stop here before this turns into a giant wall of text. ^^; Looking forward to seeing what you all are writing and helping you out in what way i can -The Sad Dragon