Hoiditthroughthegrapevine

A drunk, an atheist, and a monk walked into a bar, or rather into a lawyers office that was certified by the BAR because everyone thought the drunk offed his dad just because he had assaulted someone at his dad's house the night of his dad's murder and had loudly proclaimed his intentions to kill his miserly dad, but he was found guilty because he was in fact stabbed by some sharp and pointy love triangles and was eventually sent to the cooler. (Whew, that's a long sentence, but The Brothers Karamazov is my second favorite book of all time). When a group of ladies asks you who is prettier, demure and say they all are too enchanting to decide between, you'll save a lot of lives that way. A lady is stolen, argives are aggrieved, 1000 ships sail because of a face, the argives are Hectored, hector is a-killed by Achilles, the argives are further aggrieved because Achilles is pouting about his pin-cushioned pal Patrocles, achilles is a-killed by an arrow to the ankle, the Trojans learn that sometimes you do look a gift horse in the mouth, the city falls, armor clangs around them, and guess what, people still don't believe Cassandra, that's tragedy for ya. To stick with the classics whose game for The Scalet Letter (which I still wish was a once sentence book, sheesh).

Thanks @Paranoid King, I totally thought you had that one! I almost even voted for you. Awesome roasts too @I think I am here. and @Nohadon. Excited for the Semifinals, Human vs Cultivation, time to grab some popcorn.

After being forced to endure the gum in a jar, Paul Atreides finds that he is in fact the quidditch hatrack and with the help of some urine sipping Aiel warriors, he corners the market on space whale pickling spice. Next up: The Foundation (either the first one or the whole trilogy).

Some little people take an Evil guy's ring into the woods where they plan what to do with it with a bunch of hippies, miners, and guys with beards, but what they mostly are doing is running away from creepy guys on horses. Next up, The Two Towers!

How many people have wronged me, one, ha-ha-ha, two, three, four it is fun to count no? How many people did I deliver ultimate vengeance to? One, ha-ha, two, three, this is very fun to count, four, five ha-ha-ha. EDIT*: Forgot to add another book/movie. How about Labyrinth?

Nice Appollyon! Some tricks for writing keteks are to look at the hinge word as the point of inversion of meaning, use verbs that can change into multiple different words (the being verbs are especially good) and be spare with your articles, here's a possible revision to the Shallan one (that illustrates some of these points). Identity is finding self buried in lies. Truth lies in buried self becoming identified.

Nice! Also nice! I've got to log out of the shard for a bit, trying to get an illustration done, sheesh. This was fun, will check back in later tonight. Still up for plot reductio ad absurdum: Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky I am Legend by Richard Matheson and the Dark Tower (by Stephen King)

Hahahahhahah, so good! So true. You've got lots of upvotes coming later today. Some bad people go out to a bar and it turns out that they don't get any sleep that night because they happen to like their blood in their body for some reason. How about Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Philip K. Dick? Or if you would rather, how about Through a Scanner Darkly? Both of these have great movies too, so take your pick, book or movie.

Aww, that's sweet. It's a great story. A british guy wakes up and discovers that the world is being run by a Reality TV show (Big Brother). Man Orwell predicted the future, just picked the wrong reality TV show. How about Smokey and the Bandit (the Burt Reynold's trucking movie, which has one of the finest theme songs of all time, East Bound and Down by the incomparable Jerry Reed)

A very stuffy lady who wants to marry a bloke with a nice house, falls for a guy who she thought was a jerk but it turns out he's really just boring and stuffy like her, and this all happens with much harrumphing, impugning, and corsets, lots of corsets. How about Beauty and the Beast (do any version you feel like, just let us know which one you're doing)

Perfect! I'm out of upvotes at the moment, but will get you one for that when they come back online. Haven't read I am Legend, but I did see the movie, which I can sum up as "Should have spent two hours organizing my sock drawer instead". So "Crime and Punishment" by Fyodor is still up and so is Sorana's "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson

It's a great book, you should check it out. Dostoevsky is my favorite Russian author, so good. I was just reading the economist, and there was a quote by Solzenitzin (another great russian author) that was amazing: "The line between good and evil cuts through the heart of every human". How about The House with a Clock In it's Walls, specifically the book by Johnathan Bellairs (haven't seen the movie yet, but I've heard it's pretty different).

Nice one Sorana! The dirty peasants suffer terribly until a half-man becomes two gods and cleans the world up. Next up: Crime and Punishment.

@Paranoid King you should post a full version of that Sounds of Silence parody on the Cosmere the Musical thread, it's amazing! Steris totally has this one in the bag, but I would give you the finest runner's up ribbon the world's ever seen, brilliant stuff.

Hahahaha, the roast is afoot! Nicely played @Paranoid King, nicely played!

So I was watching Brandon's 300 level Sci-Fi Fantasy BYU lectures, and in lecture 3, The Illusionist writer, one exercise he had students do to emphasize that the sense of progress in a book was an illusion was to have them rewrite a complicated book in a single line where they state the conflict and the resolution, essentially wrapping the story up in a single sentence. The primary example was for Lord of the Rings, which if you make it take a lot less time, can be rewritten as "They fly giant eagles to Mordor and drop the one ring into Mount Doom". I think this is fun, so I suggest the following game-ified version of this, the person before you states the book/movie that they want to see to see simplified into a one sentence resolution, and the next person simplifies said suggestion and then suggests another book/movie that they want to see simplified. So to start things off, lets go with a bit of an obscure reference, write a sentence that shows the full arc of Harry Potter.

Please do be informed that Steris has thrown her hat into the proverbial ring. Here is her roast, spoilered because that is in fact the proper way to do it:

That is so funny, I listen to ALL of the shardcasts, you guys do an awesome job, but sometimes I listen to them when I'm going to bed and I think I might have fallen asleep before the WTCC (that's the acronym) Totally missed that you did my Human one on Who's That Cosmere Character, a friend of mine told me that they heard you doing it. IT WAS SO GOOD. I'm glad you had to have the fifth clue, there was a point where Windrunner said "This character is Human" that I thought for sure was going to be the moment when the proverbial jig was up, but oh man, that was some five star listening. It was amazing to hear you guys working on that one, I'll have to think of some more good ones, this is fun stuff.

Awesome podcast as usual, I think you guys really should do a splinter podcast, and in honor of that here's a header you could use for the first episode of Shardcast: After Dark, based on Argent's line:

Hahahaha, I had no idea that his wife was his editor. So funny. I always thought the fluff was from him imagining what his putative female audience would like to read (like Gaylen Luca's well turned calves). Crown of swords is a good book, you have a lot to still get through before BWS ties it all up in a satisfying conclusion. I do have to warn you Crossroads of Twilight is a particularly hard read. I think there are some parts of that book that helped Brandon develop his promise to the reader hypothesis, because there is a huge section of that book that is built up with extreme hyperbole that absolutely amounts to nothing. I just found out that Amazon Prime is going to be putting out a WOT TV series, freaking awesome. Hopefully they get the casting right. I know that I like to obsessively check for the most current news, here's a fansite which will probably have all of the pertinent details: http://www.wheeloftime.tv/

Against my better judgement, I am keeping going with the ICE Novels of Malazan. I absolutely hated Night of Knives, but I am working on a series of technical illustrations where I can approach the zen like moment of cosmic non-thought (the much vaunted Ohmm), and I think that I can listen through Return of the Crimson Guard whilst in this state of near vacuum of thought. I have been listening actually to a lot of Radio Open Source, a news/information/art show moderated by Christopher Lydon, who was the moderator of probably the best show ever to be on Public Radio, The Connection. Seriously good stuff, definitely biased towards the left end of the spectrum, but incredibly interesting. Also, just listened to the Radio Lab series "The Gonads", pretty freaking amazing, if you have something that you can do while listening to a podcast, you should check it out. Annoyances aside, it's a great series, but like officiumdecorum noted, it almost works better in Audiobook form. I convinced my brother to read it and he's been reading Book 5 for almost a full year and is thinking about giving up on the series. There are incredibly painful moments that must be suffered through, but to be sure, the end destination is worth it. And, speaking of his worldbuilding, not very many authors can so succinctly describe a place as Robert Jordan and have it be so fully mentally realized by the reader. Steven Erickson can come close, Flaubert and Dostoevsky can do it maybe a little better, but in the fantasy genre he is nearly peerless in this singular ability. The never ending character refrains can get tiresome (braid tugging, lock smith puzzles, etc), but the world of WOT is very well imagined and the details are spectacular. The Foresaken are pretty awesome sub-villains too.

What??? Tickets for a book signing?? I'm personally not very interested in Skyward, I get that Brandon needs to write other things to keep the creative juices flowing, but that particular book is not my cup of tea. I was planning on getting the new Legion collection and having him personalize that, c'est la vie. Just bought my ticket and I'll definitely be there, and I even convinced my brother to go! He's read Mistborn, but is not as deep into the mysteries of the Cosmere as he really should be. Would be nice to hang out with some sharders and get him more fully onboard. Also we'll be going out to eat after the signing, and Seattle has the most amazing Ethiopian restaurant ever, Saba. Their lamb tibbs are the best and after the 6+ hr drive from Eugene and hopefully asking Brandon multiple questions in the signing lines, a St. George's Ethiopian beer will be well deserved and much appreciated. Super excited to go to the signing, maybe skyward will be good (hated the Reckoner's series at first, but it turned out pretty decent).

I think with Cosmere character roasts everybody wins . I've been off the shard for a bit (work, sheesh), but freaking awesome final roast @Archer and nice one too @Edgedancer Jak, pretty close on that one, but again the annotations were brilliant. Funny thing is, I was checking on the shard to look at information for the Skyward book tour, and I was shocked to see that I was "Hoid Can't Compete": Freaking awesome, even though after some internet research, I'm still not entirely sure what that means. I would sign up for the next round as Steris, I know I was just in the last round but I think the Universe could use more Steris-lization...

Awesome roasts @Archer and @I think I am here.! You guys cranked it to 11! Great roasts too from last round @Herowannabe and @Edgedancer Jak, and a congratulations on Edging past Hero on that one (that one was seriously too close to call, great job guys)