Archer

@QueenOfInk I do share the sentiments that this was an... inconvenient time to enter. Recent events have put us in an obscure vault, in the midst of a fight. If someone could just show up, it would cause trouble with people bypassing defenses in order to do assassinations, or to steal stuff. Since (iirc) this is the first time that your character has appeared, what you've done is permissible, although it would be nice if you provided a little more context for why you're here. Writing, for example, that your character was training in the Canton and attracted by the noise of Tena and I talking. My character's response, given the circumstances, will be rather cold. Normally, I'm much friendlier, but you caught him at a bad time. Note: I interpreted what you said as indicating Raoni entered the room Tena and I are in. If you entered a different section of the Canton, that's fine, but I do need to know which it is. If it's the latter, we can just start writing our location in italics at the start of posts to avoid confusion. (Text in quotes or in a different colour is considered out-of-character discussion, by the way. Tagging people in a quote box doesn't work, so I chose to do this method this time.)

"Right." Klasten said, winking at Tena. He looked at the little girl. "You're the third impossible thing I've seen today," he said. "I hate fighting impossible things. I'm not here to fight you. I want the stone, and am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. None of this other treasure interests us. So yeah, why don't you tell us what we need to do to get your stone?" As he talked, he casually pointed his crossbow in the direction of one of the chandeliers, preparing to fire from the hip. His finger rested on the trigger. He was fairly confident he could shoot the chain it was hanging from, sending it crashing to the ground. Tena should be fine. There's enough metal in the room to start a forge. She can just do that Pushing thing and snipe at them from the air. Klasten kept his eyes on the girl's gun. He mentally prepared his route to dodge her shot if she started firing at them. There was a nearby pile of gold that would provide good cover. Left foot, push off, duck and roll. He ran over the steps in his head as he waited for her reply.

Klasten was in shock. He wasn’t used to seeing such efficient violence. He responded quietly. “We’re all doing it. Some faster than others. Except them.” He clasped Tena’s arm, and used it to pull himself to his feet. “Once, so beautiful. Then killed with feeling. I don’t know if that’s right or not.” He patted his pockets absentmindedly. “I need to refill. Where’d you put them?” He started pacing. His fingers twitched like an addict. “Keep it locked out there. In here it's beautiful. So beautiful.” His lips curled, exposing his teeth. The expression in no way resembled a smile. It was more of a forced grimace. “We must find it. Before he comes.” He pulled a collapsible crossbow from his bag. Opening it up, he loaded a single bolt. The bolt was a spike of solid metal with a wickedly sharp point. “Ladies first,” he said, gesturing for Tena to lead the way.

Klasten fingered the hole in his coat that Tena's coin had made. He grunted in annoyance. "Well, I was just instructing my IS THAT AN ANACOLUTHON?!" Klasten shrieked, and cowered in terror. When it became apparent that no such beast was present, he used the convenient distraction to change the subject. "Hey, that's cool. I've never seen one of those before." He pointed at the dozen shades that had been attracted by Tena's acrobatics. The shades seemed quite at home in the dark room. Judging by the echoing of their voices, Klasten guessed the chamber was rather large. He also guessed that they had minutes to live. Well, she can fly. I'm the one who is gonna get eaten.

Klasten waited for a moment while Tena did her thing. Figuring she'd need a while, he studied the wall for a bit. Then looked at a bug. Then the bug on the wall. Eventually, he looked back to find Tena staring at him intently. Storms. I knew I shouldn't have been so charming. She's gone and fallen in love with me, the fool girl. Deciding to ignore that problem for the time being, Klasten pulled on the door's handle. It opened smoothly. "I see my plan worked perfectly! Well done Tena. See what happens when you follow my instructions and do everything I say? Doors are opened!" Does 'ladies first' apply to potentially booby trapped rooms? Or was that the time when you're supposed to carry the girl over the threshold? But then she might take it as a sign of affection. Rusts. Might as well just do what comes naturally. "I LIKE HORSES," Klasten declared as he shoved Tena into the room. He hurriedly joined her, then regretted his decision and panicked. "LEAVE ROOM FOR FAKE DEVAAN," he said, shoving the scarecrow in between them. Use not your feminine wiles on me, woman. Protect me brave scarecrow. "Divert her attention with your artificially handsome exterior. Oops. Did I say that out loud?" I wish Kicker were here. He'd know just what to say. @Nohadon

Klasten saw where this was going. "Actually, it's Kicker that owes you. He's the one who got shot." His concerned expression didn't match the nonchalance of his words. "Thanks for saving him though. And since his concept of gratuity leaves a lot to be desired, if you ever need a favour I'll see what I can do." Suddenly, a figure teleported into the room. He was dressed in a dark brown robe that obscured his face. Without speaking, the newcomer pulled a small bag from his pocket, handed it to Klasten, then disappeared. "I love that guy," Klasten said fondly. "He's a real pro. Used to work at the arena, healing people after fights. Went into curating after that. And he put together this bad boy up for me." He emptied the contents of the bag onto the floor. There was one item: a scarecrow, disguised by aons to look like Devaan. "He didn't have a lot to go by, just people's descriptions of him and his portrait. I should have had him go to the Grounds and look at him, but I'm not sure how Devaan would feel about all this." Fake Devaan was a fair approximation, but hardly perfect. The eyes were slightly too far apart, and the hair was just a little bit too curly. Hopefully it will be enough to fool the aons, though Klasten. "All we need to do is awaken it, so it's lifelike enough that the door thinks we're being supervised by him. Hopefully that will be enough. After that, we just need to pick the locks. All three have to be unlocked at about the same time, so you'd have to move inhumanely quick to..." Klasten began to ponder the problem, but then he realized who he was talking to. "Right. Steel. If you wouldn't mind doing it, that'd be great. Use these lockpicks. I took them off of the body of Sel's greatest super-spy. That guy knew squat about locks, but with these he could open door in seconds. I don't always condone the use of convenient plot devices, but these are extraordinary circumstances." He handed them to her, then stepped back to give her room to work.

In Elantris, we learn that to make Aon Tia work effectively (read: avoid teleporting into walls) you need to input the exact distance you want to go. When Raoden travels to Teod, Adien tells him the number of steps away it is and they get there without any difficulty. But Sel is round, and its surface isn't flat. Different parts of the land are at different altitudes. How is the target destination's height above or below sea-level (or whatever the in-world equivalent is) factored into the creation of a successful Aon Tia? Going, for example, south in a straight line for any significant distance will cause you to reappear in midair because of the curvature of the planet. Was it just luck that Raoden didn't teleport into the air or underground? Thanks in advance for your answers!

A woman entered the room. Sensing their strong desire to hear a detailed analysis of his problem, Klasten began talking. "Right now I'm looking for a rock. But this door is in the way." He gestured at the obstacle and launched into a detailed summary. "As you can see, this is the door to what is presumably a sizable vault. The tradition method of opening it is with three keys, all of which are on Devaan's person. These aons here appear to be a failsafe measure. They've got some modifiers I'm unfamiliar with, but they appear to ward against strangers opening the door without the protection of the keys. That blast glyph over there is particularly nasty. Additional aons strengthen the door and protect it from most conventional methods of attack. So far the best way I've come up with bypassing these defenses is by nuking Elantris. If we could get a spaceship to change the landscape enough, all these aons would be rendered useless. But I'm all out of nukes, so I'm in the process of implementing my backup plan: tricking the wall into thinking we're Devaan. As you may know from the history books, Devaan's famous for using a lifelike doll replica of himself in duels. Legend has it they were indistinguishable from the real thing. So, if I could just get my hands on that doll, or recreate it with some awakening and Elantrian magic, these aons wouldn't be triggered." He walked over to one of the keyholes. "These appear to be sophisticated, but not extraordinary, locks. A skilled Forger might be able to magic us up a key for them. I'm not too familiar with that art, it might be possible." He then moved to the wall. "Look at this brick. It's also reinforced with aons. But not as many. I know it's tricky to cut invested stuff, but you might be able to get through the wall, thus bypassing the door, with a Shardblade." On a roll now, he returned to the middle of the door. "But look! The door is metal. If we had a Mistborn, we could Push the tumblers, opening the door. Beats trying to teleport past it, especially since we on't know what's beyond this door. Or you could slick the bolts out of their casings. Wait, can you travel through the Shadesmar?" He looked inquisitively at the room's other occupant. Strallah, a Canton cook who had only stopped by to ask for directions to the kitchen, stared blankly back at him. "Umm.... I'm gonna go," she said, backing slowly out of the room. When she got to the hall she took one last confused look at Klasten, then turned and ran away. Moments later, Tena entered the room. “You’re trying to find the Devaan’s treasures things, yes?” she asked Klasten. Klasten's keen powers of deduction told him that she was a Ghostblood. Nodding, he responded in the affirmative. "Right now I'm looking for a rock. But this door is in the way. Any suggestions for how I can it open? My focus group wasn't much help."

As the others left, Klasten slipped away, down the hall. Devaan (and his key collection) was inaccessible at the moment, so it was probably better to just do things the old fashioned way. He 'borrowed' a broom that was leaning against the wall, then wandered aimlessly for a few hours pretending to be a janitor, poking his head into every open doorway, looking for the vault. After half a day of searching, he found it. Checking over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't being followed, Klasten entered the room. It was a small room, made of thick grey slabs of stone. It was dominated by the large metal door set into the far wall. Ancient looking carvings were scratched into it, Klasten recognized a few of them as protective aons. And, sure enough, there were three small keyholes at chest level. Picking them won't work, you'd have to unlock all three of them at once. And those symbols will protect it from anything I can throw at it. So I either need two more people, or... Klasten smiled, realizing what he needed to do. He walked to the door and began to unpack some items from his bag. As he did, he took a spanreed from his pocket and sent a message.

Howdy! Welcome to the Shard. I would ask you who the best Doctor was, but we all know it's David Tennant. So instead, what's your favourite Sanderson book?

I'm pretty sure real life Earth-Earth doesn't exist in the Alleyverse. Otherwise it wouldn't be RP. So I'd dispute that.

I am Archer, and I approve of this message! I assumed that Terror is from Legion Earth, so he's okay to be in the Alleyverse. (He could also be from Alcatraz or Reckoners Earth too, but they wouldn't work as well.)

Back at you, @Edgedancer Jak! It was my pleasure and honour to face off against you. I loved how in-character you got. It was a great finale! Shout-out to everyone who roasted (and allowed themselves to be roasted)! Not only did everyone create great submissions, but you all were super gracious and supporting. Self inflicted back-pats all around! @Herowannabe I'll admit I was a tiny bit disappointed that I didn't get to roast Stick, but the best pun I'd come up with was calling him 'short staff-ed', so maybe it's for the best. Thank you to everyone who voted for me. And of course, special thanks goes out to @Ashspren for putting this all together. This whole thing was a fantastic idea, and I've had a lot of fun participating. All the upvotes! I look forward to watching how the next tournament goes!

WHO WANTS WAFFLES?* *that have been cooked over an ashmount.

Klasten crouched nervously in the shadows. He listened to the sound of Kicker neighing furiously. He can beat a heavily armored super-soldier, right? He's got my rifle, he'll be fine. Assuming he learns how to fire a gun.

@Ashspren If he's late, I don't mind giving him some more time. I'd rather not have this end like the last one did.

"I'm not really in the mood for this," Klasten grunted in response. He waved his hand, knowing the marine's armour was made of metal. Nothing happened. "Huh. That was supposed to do something." Puffing out his chest, he loudly proclaimed, "I'm going to get to Devaan if it's the last thing I do! Kicker, go!" The large horse reared, his hooves flailing menacingly. As the horse distracted the guard, Klasten ducked around the marine and bolted down the hall. He turned the first corner, then crouched in the shadow of a decorative statute of two axehounds wrestling. Run along now, go back to your boss, he thought as he prepared to follow the man. Normally he'd have just allowed himself to be captured then inevitably be brought to the man in charge, but there was a small chance that this guy would have just killed him instead.

Klasten bowed. "Thank you, friend. You've been most helpful." He turned away. Raising a finger to his ear, he began to talk quietly. "Alpha team, how's it going up there? These guys aren't easy to distract, you know. Please tell me you've secured the objective." On the other end of the line, Kicker snorted. Klasten sighed. "Congratulations. A whole room you say? Searched top to bottom. Wow. Fabulous. YES, THAT WAS SARCASM. We'll rendezvous at your location. Where did you say you were?" Kicker snorted again. Klasten tilted his head. "Wait a minute, how did we get radios? How are we even having this conversation? Kicker?" He turned around, and found the horse standing a few meters to the left of him. "You searched this room? You are absolutely hopeless, you know that?" Annoyed, he shot an apologetic glance at Kestraal. "C'mon then, let's go find Devaan. He sounds nice. Maybe he'll just give us the keys." Resignedly, the two of them started walking down the hall in search of the man with the keys.

Fine. Plan E it is then, thought Klasten with a shudder. Moving with blinding speed, he upholstered his handgun. He held it up aggressively. "Here's how it's gonna go, son. You look like you know your way around here. I'm sure you know where to find the rock mentioned in this riddle." He fished the card he'd gotten at the Hall out of his pocket and tossed it at Kestraal. "Now, I'd like you tell me where it is. I'm sure as a military man you can appreciate fine weaponry. Believe me when I tell you this gun is top quality. If you help me out, it's yours. Use it to train your acolytes or something." Klasten dropped the gun and kicked it over to the other man. "I guarantee that if we fight, you will win. Let's just skip that bit and get to the part where I find the treasure and we part ways. Remember, this isn't a 'bribe', it's a 'gift of friendship'." He flashed Kestraal his most disarming (in more ways than one) smile as he did the air-quotes to emphasize his point.

Here goes! WARNING: Beware of Stormlight Archive (especially Edgedancer) spoilers!

Creator's Note: I just grabbed a random picture of women's script from Google Images. I don't know what that word means. Hopefully it isn't anything rude. Don't read too much into it.

Somewhere, not here: Klasten awoke in a cold sweat. A recent nightmare was fresh in his mind. His dreams were of monsters, and men acting like them. Around him,shadows danced, making up the layers of darkness. It was all very poetic. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Klasten said. He was getting a painful feeling. He tried to go back to sleep, but it kept buzzing in his ears. "Fine!" he said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Let's get this over with." He felt the ground around him until his hands hit something hard. It felt like a box, so he opened it. As he did, he talked to himself for no good reason. "I wouldn't mind if this is an info-dump. A convenient diary or letter from a relative would be nice. Or, is a exposition video too much to ask for? Maybe one with a cute scientist in it?" He reached and grasped the folded sheet of paper that lay at the bottom. It felt familiar. "Hey! This is the paper I wrote my backstory on! All I have to do is read it and... oh. Right. Total darkness." At that very moment, he felt himself growing very weary. He was having trouble thinking. His words came out slurred. "Ah. Sho that wasss it. It wash all a-" Klasten collapsed, and any insights gained from this sequence were rendered useless, for it was all a dream. Readers of this saga groaned in frustration, having wasted two minutes on their lives. The author shrugged apologetically.

Klasten nudged Kicker, who slipped away quietly. He then made a show of patting his pockets. "I know I put it in one of these. I just can't seem to find it at the moment!" he said, trying to sound innocent. "I'm always losing things. Just last week, I lost a piece of paper. It was beige, very small. Easy to miss. I'm still looking for it." Kestraal didn't look impressed, so Klasten changed tactics. "If I didn't have my WHAT THE HOID IS THAT?!" He pointed dramatically at the side of the room. Kicker stood there, trying to tap dance. It was a weird sight. "That looks super important! You'd better check it out. Immediately!" Klasten reached into his bag and pulled out the first thing he could find. "Look out, a Mistwraith!" He threw the object, a priceless Sellish vase, into the air. "It's gonna kill us all. EVERYBODY PANIC!" He flailed his arms and ran in small circles as he screamed. "THE END IS NI- Oh. You're not buying it, are you? Crem." He motioned for Kicker to stop dancing. The vase hit the floor and shattered. "Can we, er, pretend that never happened? I've got a good repairman routine that might work. Or not. How's about you just tell me what I need to know, when I need to know it, so it's knowledge in my head, see? OR ARE YOU GOING TO DISOBEY A DIRECT ORDER? I didn't think so! Now tell me where you keep the important rocks and/or riddles that lead to them, soldier! I need to know by yesterday." Klasten glared at Kestraal, waiting impatiently for a reply.