industrialistDragon

Most of what I would have said has been covered, so just a couple quick things Interlude "I stayed on the ground" -- this paragraph, start of pg2 of the interlude on mine, seems out of place. It also feels like a bit too much telling, especially since the subsequent paragraphs do a much better job of showing those same emotions. I sent you my hatchet job separately. Chapter I agree with a lot of the comments. I found the chapter confusing, less from a "this is a mysterious part of the plot" standpoint than a "I don't understand why this passage is placed in the text in this location, and I can't tell if it is an editing mistake or not" standpoint. Mysterious parts of a plot are fine, but this is a more textual level of confusion. This section has always had clarity issues, but I think rather than clearing up in this iteration, it's become more muddled. I also agree that So's extended lack of recognition of Sa feels forced and unnatural. And Sa's curses are falling very flat.

The Walter Grant for unpublished diverse children's and YA authors extended its deadline to June 15th https://diversebooks.org/our-programs/walter-grant/ https://diversebooks.org/our-programs/walter-grant/submission-guidelines/

Hello and welcome to RE! You've jumped right into the discussions and that's great! Over all, I think there are some good ideas in here, the bones of a fun and interesting story. I like that the main character doesn't take any guff from anybody, and turns her defeat into a renewed sense of purpose. From what I can glean of the rest of the characters and setting, they would be something I would enjoy reading. That said, I shared many of the issues others did, with clarity, grammar, and some unfortunate implications surrounding the protagonist. As I go: I see @kais has already mentioned the male gaze, and honestly, that's the first thing that sticks out for me as well. "Male gaze" is a term for when the "camera lens" or narrator's perspective assumes that hetero men will be the primary audience. Usually this ends up being a strange fixation on women's body parts, even when the protagonist and POV character is a heterosexual woman. Have you seen the movie Suicide Squad? Among the many (many) things to criticize in that movie is the way Margot Robbie's rear end is given as much screen time and as many close ups as some of the other characters in their entirety. Granted, she's a gorgeous actor, but the camera reduces her in most of her scenes to nothing but a collection of the body parts hetero men most often enjoy ogling. That's classic male gaze. While the descriptive sentences in this piece aren't on that level, they're definitely on the same continuum. It strikes an off note for the protagonist to think of herself in that way, when 1) she's a woman herself, and 2) from what I can glean from the rest of the text, her culture apparently doesn't have even similar sexualization of women's bodies. While I don't have an issue with markets in general, I do agree that starting the story with several pages of reminisces and somewhat remote descriptions of a stereotypical market is not the best way to interest readers in either the character or the world. A lot of the critique given in this forum is with the assumption that the end-goal of running a story through the group is some form of professional publication, and thus can get a bit rough about the beginning 30 to 50 pages of a work. Oftentimes editors or agents won't read past the opening paragraph, so the beginning has to be especially powerful and convey as much of the uniqueness of the story as possible! If professional publication isn't your goal with any given piece, just let us know and we'll tailor our critiques accordingly. With that in mind, the market trope being played so straight here, with little in the way of information conveying how this market is different from any other market in any other fantasy story is what I believe most of the comments thus far have been picking up on. The character's treatment at the ball is much more interesting than descriptions of a typical market, so it would be more of a unique "hook" to open with. The thing to remember here is that Tropes Are Not Inherently Bad. They're also not inherently GOOD, either. They're tools, and shorthand, and some are far more problematic than others. They can be deliciously subverted, or comfortingly met. They can be horrifically overused and terribly written, too. Any way they are used, though, the author should be aware of them in the work. If the tropes are desired in the work, then how is the author differentiating their characters and plot from all the others using the same archetypes? How is the author turning the work from just another Trope X tale into something uniquely their own? That's what readers of genre fiction look for in trope-heavy stories. They want to see how this story makes something new out of something familiar. Or at least, that's what I look for. I would really like to have a bit more information on the protagonist before I spend several pages with her picking out dresses. I'm not even entirely sure of her name, and I'm several pages into the story. If I had been with her to experience her humiliation at the ball, and then followed her to pick out her new "dancing armor," I think I would care a lot more about the scenes with the tailor. Again, making me care about the character and her world, showing me how her world is different from the three bookcases of other fantasy stories that're in my house, and doing that as quickly as possible in the opening are tantamount in getting a work off to a strong start. Clarity in general is something I feel that could benefit the piece greatly. As others have mentioned, it's difficult to get a clear idea of the town, the setting, who the major players are, in addition to basic ideas about our protagonist, like her name and the identity of her parents. I can tell the information is in there and I like what of it I understand, but I don't feel like the information is laid out in a way that is logical for me and I become too confused to make any sense out of much of what I'm reading. As others have mentioned, I am also picking up a large number of spelling and grammar errors in this section. We all do the best we can and some things always slip through, but a large number of spelling and grammar issues can make reading and understanding a piece much more difficult. Errors like that make the reader aware they are reading words on a page, and break the illusion that the reader is experiencing what is happening in the story. Again, I like the bones on this story, I enjoyed the main character, and I enjoy "fish out of water" type stories in general, so I do want to see where this goes. It reminds me a little bit of the book The Traitor, Baru Cormorant, by Seth Dickinson, which also has a villain (sort of) as a protagonist. I look forward to seeing what happens next!

I think it maybe either needs to be played up a LOT more so there's no question it's intentional, or changed around so the format isn't quite so similar. It was causing a bit of reading fatigue for me as-is, but I do enjoy repetition when it's intentional and has a good cadence.

Pretty solid section, if a little slow up until W's inevitable betrayl. I'm a little worried that this section paired with the last one might be a little too much "down time" between big action. Neither one is boring on their own, but I think if I was reading them together I might be getting a little antsy, and I'm not sure W's turn quite makes up for it. And for the record, I saw absolutely nothing romantic in this section at all. One thing I'm noticing in this section is the way the scenes in the first half all seem to be starting the same way. N states the time passing, then N mentions either wanting to go home, or helping with something. here: p1 "The next day passed in a blur. I tried to help Mom out with her experiments" p2 "That night, eight of us met: .... p5 "“Five days!” ...... “I can hardly believe we will be able to travel to your home instantaneously." p6 "The day after that, we were granted entry" p7 "The next two days passed quickly, though I was anxious about finally getting to go home" p8? i'm losing count... "It was already almost .... —midday, and I was itching to get back home." Once the platform gets built the format changes up again. Something is off about the reveal with W, but I can't quite place it. I think maybe it's just the lack of emotion that's been kind of endemic to the whole story so far? "I gasped," -- I'm a little unclear why N is acting surprised here. Isn't this basically what they've been saying this whole time? So was the majus gut-shot? From where she's clutching herself it seems likely.So is she using her magic to not be incapacitated by pain and, like, dying? Or is W just a terrible shot and, like, only grazed her? I'm a little unclear how she's shaking off that kind of battle damage like W's threats and N's descriptions are implying.

My issue was less with the phenomenon than with the word usage. It sounds like an editing error to me, as do several phrases in this section, which is what I was trying to get at.

But they're not irrelevant if they go towards establishing the status of the character? You wouldn't have a sniper without a sniper rifle, right? Or if you do, you have a reason for the lack. If the problem is wanting to ditch the guards, but the guards are needed to establish the status of the character, with the additional problem of having to convey that the character is breaking the rules... why not just combine it all? Give Ma a couple guards, let her ditch them in the town. So being So will not know what is happening until Ma bashes them over the head with it, thus providing an opportunity to explain about the rulebreaking.

There's not a lot to say about this that hasn't already been said, for me. I will provide a counter-argument to @kais's ace/aro suggestion, because... there's kind of more to it than that. Regular people... can just simply not find anyone in their social circles attractive. Can be forced out of the marriage pool against their will by social or societal pressures. Can decide marriage isn't worth the baggage that comes with it. Making the spinster ace ... is kind of a not great stereotype. If the asexuality is just an aspect of her character and she decides to remain unmarried for other reasons, that's one thing, but if it is being used as the reason for her spinsterhood (and she's bitter about it like it is on the outline. Like the stereotype of a spinster is), it's just a diluted version of the bury your gays trope. If you do decide to use asexuality in this work, please check out some of the ace/aro education resources that're around the 'net. It's an area or sexuality that's difficult for most people to even contemplate, and there're a lot of not-great stereotypes that get incorporated into even otherwise good works because of it. Sometimes I think older women characters get made into spinsters/maiden aunts as an excuse to put little thought into their backgrounds. If they were never married, then there are no pesky husbands, exes, children, or other connections to worry about, plus the author doesn't have to worry about fitting the woman into society and thereby can elide the issue you mentioned about women "of a certain age" becoming invisible... Of course she's not prominent, she's a spinster! Personally, I'd make my spymaster the lady who throws the best parties...

Who is late, I am late! I clear a backlog and then go somewhere without computers and it comes right back again... Pretty solid overall. I agree with @Jorville that I could do with a little more description of the surroundings, especially since it's so very very different from anywhere else. Not a whole bunch else, otherwise. Solid overall, and the bit about the Eff is a nice callback to the beginning, plus a new twist. snerk at the kicker text. That's one way of putting it, W... (let's hope his isn't the definitive memoir, ne?) Re the syntax, I have no problems with it. To me, it seems like either he's writing in his native language (and we're reading it in English because of the meta reason that the whole book is in English) and that's how the grammar's just set up, or somebody translated it and decided to keep the syntax to better reflect the original (as often happens with translations). Either way, it doesn't strain disbelief and lets me know exactly who's writing. "coating of lavender and sugar" -- Okay, personal pet peeve, but I really feel like lavender is overused as a sensory image. Like, lavender doesn't even smell good? Or strongly? And, just, like, there are so many other scents out there that plants produce! I kid you not, I had an orchid whose blooms smelled like barbecue sauce. Just about any smell you can think of, in any combination, there's a flower who produces it. I had a whole big rant, but I'm just going to leave this "scented orchid registry" here for you, which is just a list of species names and what they smell like. "They must have come from a homeworld originally" -- This is probably covered elsewhere in the background of the setting, but why can't they be native? It's not like anyone knew they were up here, and signs seem to point to them being well-adapted to their environment, more or less.... I do agree that even for an easy-going species, they are taking the revelation of the portal technology and the idea of consorting with abominations from beyond the depths of the impassible cloud sea rather suspiciously well....

That's what I do, change as I type. My "draft zeros" are all handwritten, and when I type them in, I add to them. I have the original hardcopy if I want to go back. I do try to hew fairly closely to what I've written in terms of large plot beats, or fighting the urge to delete large swaths of text I don't like. Subtractive edits like that are easier to complete (and reverse!) in digital format, so even if I'm absolutely mortified by what I've written on paper, I will try to get it down, but I also have no problem adding to places that were too sparse on my handwritten original, if that makes sense.

So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format. Why would either Ma or moms tell So about the guilds? Ma would have assumed So already knew, since it's common knowledge (given that the nonguild barmaid/keep can have detailed discussions about the intricacies of guilds' gradual dissolution), and moms would hardly confide in a child, even ignoring all the plot reasons for isolating So, AND moms' personality in general. If it's meant to be more rhetorical frustration it's not coming off that way. Though, I am kind of unclear how moms disappearing is proof of "clearly" knowing things were rotten with the guilds. Since that's all moms has done so far, disappear. "Spookiness of the unbound guilds and all.” I don't understand what any sentence in this paragraph has to do with any other sentence, and how any of it explains why doctors don't work over the holiday. "a week of observance" how does Ma know all this when So does not? It seems like a big, multi-town-celebrated holiday and to go to @Asmodemon 's comments... somewhere around here, So wasn't being kept in complete isolation from birth I thought... therefore it's ringing a little weird to have Ma explain what seems like a major holiday to So like So is a very small child. Very, very small. A lot of these spoken sentences in this submission are missing their beginnings or subjects. I know that's how people speak IRL, but writing usually needs more clarity. A few here and there is fine, but this many is starting to confuse me. "You know that better than anyone" -- Ma sure is reading a lot into one grumpy, snobbish line of dialogue. This feels a little like just a name-check for the main plot, so that the scene doesn't get called on for being irrelevant. "removed her other boot" - I agree with @Mandamon & @Asmodemon. She was already 1-booted on entry this round. "wasn’t passing as a commoner" -- I agree with @Asmodemon. Ma was never mentioned as going incognito, nor does it seem like she has been particularly trying. "“I needed to get… control" -- This gives So a LOT more volition with regards to the isolation than there had been previously. It's not a bad thing, it's just interesting. It makes what So's saying about wanting to have any kind of contact between them not seem as genuine to me. When it was just moms being manipulative, and So was more under her influence, I could believe moms convinced So of any number of things about why they couldn't go visit Ma anymore. Now, it seems more like So was in agreement with moms, and instead of feeling for So like I did last time, I'm squarely on Ma's side. Dropping your bestie like a sack of squishy potatoes is pretty low, fabulously good reasons or not. No letters even? Puberty doesn't take away your ability to write, So... "she looked… human" -- I agree with the others. This is a really weird line, and kind of a buzzkill because of it. "as Magda stood and cursed" -- At the start of this convo, So and Ma stood from the bed and walked to the bath. if Ma is standing again, then was she sitting on the floor? I had kind of thought Ma had gotten into the bathtub with her clothes on from the way the blocking was going once the three boots came off, and was undressing from there. I'd just assumed it was to soak her pants off her cut and make So uncomfortable. But it's really confusing through here. "not completely injurious" -- injurious = likely to cause injury or harm (also commonly used in a legal context, so it sounds doubly weird to me). It's pretty well already done that, being a major cut and all. Incapacitating? Fatal? Crippling? Mortal? Dangerous? Life-threatening? Lame? Also, this is the second time So has expressed basically this exact sentiment in the space of one scene (and thinking on it now I believe I'm remembering So mentioning something similar last scene while obsessing over Ma getting back on the horse or something), so it feels kind of redundant here again. "and began to wash near the wound" -- This is a lot more awkward (and vaguely bdsm) with them just standing around in the near vicinity of the tub. Ma isn't even in the water at this point, is she? I'm so confused. "next to the chair" -- What chair? I agree with @Asmodemon re the binding scene. Also, won't it get into Ma's system once the water is absorbed/evaporates? A wound that big would need to drain, wouldn't it? I'm not that great with medicine, but I thought that was partially why you did stitches and not superglue all the time, so that things could drain while still being close enough together not to scar badly? "pretentious common name" -- It sounds like a descriptive one to me. I'd guess it was yellowish and either a similar color, or a similar shape to a mango. Birds and flowers and junk have similar names all the time. (Except the ivory-billed woodpecker got the moniker "The Lord God Bird" apparently because people said that when they saw how huge it was, and that's a pretty darn pretentious common name imo. Heck, you've got plants named things like love-lies-bleeding, and cultivars named like pedigreed horses (Cajun's Queen's Lace, Frozen in Time, AE Oracle of Destiny), so like, "golden mango" really strikes me as pretty prosaic) "Come help me out and get in," ... did Ma actually do anything in the bath besides barely get wet and make So uncomfortable? This whole back section feels mixed up and repetitive... is it more of the old stuff not fitting in right?

I have no problems with a longer section with the submissions being so sparse this week.

So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format I agree with @Mandamon re "exponentially." It needs to go. "dust soon mutated to thick, fat flakes" Was it snowing before? I seem to remember thick snow being mentioned last chapter, not light snow. How does snow ice with breathing? Is ice a verb in this context? I'm really confused about the weather here. I think i'm just having adjective issues in general, because how is body-heat "well-earned" and what the heck did So do to earn it? So has done a whole lot of not much besides awkwardly cuddle Ma and refuse to explain much. "as the trees ... were scrubby" Weren't they just in a large forest where Ma got lost from sight immediately and So was able to run around, grab onto, and slide down multiple trees large enough to withstand the weight of a person? "Despite the hour " I rather thought it was morning, or at most early afternoon based on last chapter. "in the starlight" so it's full night? I thought from the earlier sentence it was sunset. I have no idea what time of day it really is at the moment. "guild musicians are expensive" and no one else plays instruments? If music is traditionally part of the festival I'd expect someone out with a homemade jug band or washboard-analog if nothing else more sophisticated. "could figure out what to say" I agree with @Mandamon here. why does So need to say anything to a stranger brushing past on the way out, guild member or not? I agree with @Mandamonre the metal tables. "if she’s trying to stay disguised" -- I didn't think Ma was in disguise... at all? Was there any mention of disguises or going undercover at all in the lead up to the search? I feel like I'm not remembering any this time around just "I'm going to the negotiations and going to search for queen mom along the way you should come and look for moms too (so i can also watch you in case you're a kidnapper/possible accessory to regicide)" I agree with @Mandamon re "So the alchemist" -- I'd thought the barmaid had left after delivering the food. Also, "So the alchemist" sounds really weird. Like, when did So start claiming that title? Whould someone who's SO ATTUNED to guild rankings, guilded vs unguilded status, and so sensitized to guild titles and the differences between them, just claim a guild affiliation and title without any modifiers (and without having even a formal apprenticeship to say nothing of that all-important tattoo). Like, Ma doesn't even look askance at this assumption of not just affiliation, but full mastery. "the cloth of her chair" weren't the chairs wood when they came in? "too slowly for me to notice" Uh, it just happened pretty quickly? Like, exactly when K said the boarders were guilded and So started mentioning guilds... which was just a sentence or two ago? And that was a pretty quick turn to my mind. While it's better in this version than last, I don't think the natural declination of the guilds is telegraphed well enough for this reveal to have as much impact as it's supposed to. I feel like there should have been other oddities earlier for So to put together with this, rather than just having So instantly believing some random unguilded barkeeper about guild issues. To go to Mndamon's issues, maybe there needs to be an interlude before this showing how insulated moms has kept So? I don't know. It's a nice reveal, much better than the old version, but it's still not landing quite right.

Not a whole lot to comment on this time. Pace was a little slow, but I enjoyed it all the same. FInally finding something up on the Nether is very gratifying As I go: I am having a little trouble picturing the grove and the houses on the sides of the wall. i think I could do with a little more description of places and things in this section. She is training to be a naturalist after all. "dominate female" -- dominant? It seems a little odd that everyone's so unflappable and accepting of strange deformed flightless aliens from below the unpassable cloud sea, especially if these are just average farmers. I feel like it's a bit odd that everyone's just like "oh, hi new creatures I've never even conceived of existing before. Would you care to stay for dinner? I hope you eat food and not, like, our house or something. Wouldn't that be a bother!"

Overall: This section left me feeling pretty "meh." It wasn't that bad, but I wasn't that interested, either. It's yet more highly-detailed travel without much purpose that I could see. This is more put together than the previous chapter (which, I agree wholeheartedly with @Mandamon -- it was really rough), but I'm wondering, again, who are the main characters of the larger narrative. Q&M have seemed flat for most of their chapters after the intro, while E and the rest of the b-cast (Mor excepted) have seemed to me to be much more rounded. Random thought: have you thought about reworking the stories to just be about the characters that seem to be the more interesting, instead of being about Q&M. There are a lot of novels out about investigators, but not nearly as many about the people who are the subjects of those investigations. It could be an interesting take on the genre. Don't get me wrong, I like Q&M, but they've lacked a certain ... vibrancy of late. The villian/b-plot's chapters have so far consistently had better, more interesting worldbuilding and more interesting character motivations. As I go: I like E better when she's taking action (and Mor isn't around), but something still isn't sitting quite right with me and her motivations. I can't quite put my finger on it though, sorry. "nineteen-hundred kilometres to Ykn. " I was under the impression, with all the talk of "staying local" early in the story, that they were much, MUCH closer to YKn than that. I am even more perplexed as to why Q is agreeing to go on the lam for such a prolonged length of time. This really doesn't seem to be his style, with the number of fights, hostage-takings, and out-and-out violent criminality going on. It's not that I think Q's particularly reverential of the statutes of the land, but that I think he'd be more likely to run cons, grifts, or impersonation-hacks than all this smash-and-grab stuff, especially for the length of time implicated by over a thousand miles/nearly two thousand kilometers. I think it might be partially the "this is happening too easily" that was remarked on in earlier sections, because it is, and I'm questioning what I know of Q's characterization that he can just come up with these completely effective, violent escapes on the fly. "The little bears gambled" -- Gamboled? Unless they're running a craps table...? "(Tomorrow.)" -- This was a really strange format for a telephone call. I was very confused by it. I am also confused by this weird introspection by Mor. I thought he liked doing what he did? Or now he doesn't? Or he does but he wants to escape? But he doesn't want to escape, just get off earth? And not keep doing what he's been doing? But yes keep doing .... whatever it is he is doing besides maybe killing people, thinking odious things, and being cartoonishly unlikable? Why are we in his head at all? I don't know that I really need to know what's going on with him when he's "off screen" like this. He's not really a character I need to understand, and much as I dislike his flat villainy, if he's going to be that way, then it might be best to just go all out with it. Own it, play to type. This last section didn't really do anything for me except cause confusion to no purpose that I can see right now.

I think I like this section the best out of the ones so far. I have a decent amount of buy-in for the main character, and she's emoting much more believably now... or there's enough going on that I no longer mind as much the relative lack of buy-in. In any event, I enjoyed this part! "With the earplugs in, I only heard a buzzing in my head" -- Agree with @Paracosmic_nomenclator on this. A chunk of wax would muffle outside noises, make them sound blurry and indistinct, but you'd still be able to hear your own voice fairly clearly, and fairly loudly, because you get feedback from like, the bones in your face and your inner ear and all kinds of stuff like that. Recording studio headphones can actually counteract the feedback you get from your own body when you talk, and it is a profoundly disquieting experience until you get used to it. Or at least, it was for me (I had to actually take off one ear of the headphones it was distracting me so much). I agree with @Robinski about the capitalization. It's unnecessary Maybe I'm making it up, but didn't they mention at some point having a halfway point with their rations? I feel like they, being experienced explorers who planned well, would not be so caught off guard by the dwindling supplies. I feel like they should have made more of a deal about the point of no return for supplies, and deciding to keep climbing anyway... Like, relying on only one way to get back seems unusually shortsighted? What were they going to do if the majus was injured or died? Pretend that wouldn't happen? I'd totally believe that mom and the majus decided to push past their safe-return-supply window (with or without informing N), especially if that was far lower on the wall than they expected, but I have a hard time believing they'd just let everyone go at full rations until they got so low and then be like "well, I guess now we starve. Might as well climb until we die, lol."

So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format. I agree with pretty much everything @Mandamon and @Asmodemon have said, and Asmodemon in particular has delineated things much better than I could. Moms is definitely creepy. I had trouble with the blocking. I don't know that the bramble bush stands out as particularly problematic to me, but it's definitely a symptom of the larger problem. I don't have a clear idea of any of the geography or what the road, landscape, woods etc look like, or how So/Ma/Moms is/are moving in it. I know the species of a couple individual trees, and that bush, but species names alone doesn't evoke any kind of picture in my mind as to what's going on. I definitely agree that Ma and the bandits needs work. Her lack of guards seems odd, being the heir and all. There were too many before, and they got lost in the background, but maybe a pair of bodyguards would be a manageable compromise?

Sorry, playing catch-up. IRL deadlines and whatnot. So the first 10 pages of this I felt like was mostly a rehash of T's chapter from another POV, and while that can be very interesting as a writer's thought experiment or character study, I found it to be very uninteresting as a chapter in a novel I'm reading. I already know everything that's going on with the "mystery" so E figuring things out isn't keeping my attention. M being a cartoon villain is nothing new; I'm mostly just waiting to see him actually twirl a mustache and cackle at this point. E's reactions feel all over the place and aren't really landing for me. Basically I agree with @kais -- I don't believe E's reactions enough for the emotion alone to carry the scenes where the action is lacking. Once E goes to the police office (when we get to the new information), things start to pick up and I'm interested again, but then things run aground during the last part, which is just more driving and walking. The end would be interesting, it's a nice ending line, but I've just spent 3 pages on a silent car ride, so whatever tension was building as E talked herself onto the investigation has completely dissipated.

So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format. Interlude still needs work on the actual story part. I agree with @Mandamon that it's not quite there as a bored kid rushing through something. The rest up to that point was fine. "Peanut stayed" Horses are herd animals, and I feel like one as docile and well-trained as Peanut would have to be to, be given to a new rider like So, would be far more likely to follow his herd on his own than simply let his herd walk away without him. He knows his job, after all. Might defer to his rider for a little while, but when it became clear his rider wasn't going to do the things riders are supposed to do, he'd likely default to either going back home or following his friends I feel like. "a horse still trying to keep up" again, I feel like Peanut would have stopped. 1) because he's well trained and So has just done something Really Weird, and 2) because if So's hanging off the reigns, that's a full weight of human pulling on a very sensitive part of a horse. Maybe he'd try to walk backwards or something to relieve the pressure, or maybe he'd just stand still but I doubt very much he'd just ignore something that disruptive. So seems to flipflop a lot more on her willingness to help moms than in prior versions, but here it seems to depend more on what would be more antagonistic to the plot than any emotion or moral dilemma actually stemming from So. When moms is needed to get perms for the apprenticeship but is mysteriously vanished, So is all about finding moms and frustrated when that's impossible. When Ma wants So to come look for moms, So suddenly doesn't care. When So is trying to enjoy the horse ride, suddenly worry for moms is preventing that enjoyment again. Conflicted emotions are fine, angst is fine, but this feels less like emotions and more like wangst for plot purposes. you nock an arrow, you knock on a door. Same with So's memories of the burning house. It's okay to be conflicted, but it's awfully convenient that So is only driven to near catatonia by the memories of the house when it's most thrilling for the plot, and the times when it would hold back the plot So states and acts like the house and the memories don't matter in the least.

Overall: I like the momentum that's building up in this section, but I kind of feel like some of the lack of emotional investment of previous sections is also coming home to roost. The tone of the story so far has had a bit of that Victorian travelogue remove, and I know that's sort of what you were going for, but the down side to achieving the style is that I'm connecting less with the characters; I feel like I've been told (or summarized, since this is travelogue) rather than felt or experienced the depth of some of the relationships up to this point, which makes it difficult for me to care during those parts in this section that I need to. As i go: " I had tied back our sleeves, wrapping them around our arms and legs" sleeves don't go on legs, and robes don't really have separated lower torso portions unless you're getting into divided skirts or like hakama and i guess i'm just really, REALLY confused as to what they're wearing now. I'd kind of assumed something like a riding habit, at the very least, or even like some of the Edo firemen's costumes or a salwar kameez or something sensible. Now i'm just so baffled... Mom voice ftw. lol I'm a bit skeptical she wouldn't call out about Sneaky heading towards the drill. It seems... a little out of character? Maybe? that scene feels a little off to me. Okay, I'm glad she brought it up afterwards. That goes a ways towards making the earlier bit better. I'm a bit more skeptical she wouldn't tell mom about the second night, especially after mom specifically said "tell me if anything else weird happens" and then something weird happened. She might get the telling of it jumbled, or mom might not believe her, but mom did give her a specific order to report on stuff happening at night. I am... not particularly moved by the death scene, unfortunately. Partially, I think it's from the style of the writing; it's a bit at a remove, and her emotions feel sort of muffled. Partially also is that P is a pretty background character and I'm simply not invested in him. He had few lines, only a couple of interactions, and was the most obviously expendable of the cast. We're told he's a longtime valued member, practically an equal, but all his on-screen time is in servant-type interactions that are either perfunctory or clearly just there to move the plot. I'm not sure how much investment you were going for, though. It's probably not so bad to have an obvious redshirt in a kids' book maybe?

Tor.com to open for new novella submissions on May 1. https://www.tor.com/2018/04/17/tor-com-publishing-opening-to-novella-submissions-on-may-1/

If she's 13 or 14, you're edging out of the middle grade age bracket and into teen age bracket. About as old as you can go for mg is 12. 13/14 is a ninth grader and a teen. I was picturing her as a 10- or 11-year-old, which is kind of the sweet spot for mg.

No matter how short you make him, he's still going to be at least 130 pounds of shifting, moving, leaking human, and the terrain is still going to be as difficult as you've already described it.

I think at this point it's safe to just assume that So is reading as a believable 17-year-old. So has always been more believable as a 17-year-old than they ever were as a 20-something, even in previous versions, and now that the age is canon, it's even better. Trust that if something's not right it'll get pointed out. end bit-ch2 -- seems a little odd that So is on a road heading to town and then randomly hares off into the jungle .... to get to town. Wouldn't it be easier just to take the road? ch3 - So does a lot of running now. I agree with @Mandamon with regards to this portion. ch4 - Mandamon has also pinged most of the inconsistencies I noticed about ch4 as well. So easily carrying a full grown man makes So seem ...very strong. Like, I could never, even at my most fit, carry 130-pounds-or-more of leaking, slippery, awkwardly-shaped human anywhere, much less in a weird grip, over rough terrain, while holding a conversation, for close to half an hour.

This is much improved! I'm a little sad the genki vibe is almost completely missing, and to me, she's veering close to a sort of generic "spunky kid" archetype, however this version is a big improvement over the previous one! (and I'm still snickering at "cloud layer" ) Much, much more. She has more of a personality and an opinion on the things that go on around her. She's still kind of reacting and commenting more than doing, but it is chapter one, so hopefully that change. Getting close to generic "children must snark" tropes for me, but it's only one chapter, so there's still time. Still reading fairly androgynous to me. I don't think any gender would be put off Much moreso than the previous version!