industrialistDragon

Ooo, so here's a thing! Even today, electric cars are as much computer as they are mechanical device, so someone who works on these vehicles (especially future versions of them) would be just as much programmer or systems/data analyst as they were grease monkey. It's one of the issues traditional mechanics and DIY-ers today are facing when they try to repair their computer-controlled machines: companies install proprietary software on things like cars and farm equipment, then prevent the users from effecting any repairs by withholding the diagnostic tools necessary to fix the problems! The farmers and drivers are then forced to go to the licensed dealers/mechanics and pay a premium for simple fixes they used to do themselves.

I almost wish you hadn't mentioned this was from a DND game. You did a good job of explaining the unfamiliar terms in the text, and I didn't really need the background on the world ( and if I had needed the info, it should have been in the text anyway ). Role-play games are a great source for story ideas, but the trouble with with them is that what sounds good aloud around the gaming table and on a character sheet often sounds hackneyed, random, and even problematic when written into a narrative format. It often takes a substantial amount of massaging to turn character sheets into characters and encounters into story beats. Even then, savvy readers can often "hear dice rolling in the background," as a friend used to say. How many dice before it becomes intolerable is a matter of preference (I can handle a good deal more than my friend could, for example)! Having said all that, this story is *almost* there. The parts @Mandamon and @Robinski mentioned -- the bar out of Central Casting (and that katana!) and the lack of lead-up to the magic powers -- are the most "dice-rolling-est" parts for me. As I go.... "He couldn't recount the times" -- did you mean the more common phrase "he couldn't count the number of times?" This one isn't wrong, but it did strike me as a little odd. "He couldn't recall a time" -- this one, by contrast, reads just fine to me. "crowd throwing rotten produce and screamed obscenities" *screaming. To go with "throwing" "d religious law dictated consequence in" did you mean "consequences?" Maybe "harsh consequences?" "d have his life back" -- in order for me to be invested in this, I feel like I need a bit more of the why or how he got into this predicament, and maybe a bit of what drove him to such dire straits. Maybe not all at once, but enough that I care about him, and enough to make me a bit anxious about what is supposed to be a tense moment for him, too. I'm just not quite there. "clydesdales..." Yeah. Seconding "draft horses." That's as useful a shorthand as the specific name, and one to which a few added sensory details would work very well (Have you ever been around one? Everyone says their hooves are big as dinner places but it never seemed real to me until I had to clean the hooves of a horse that was only part draft horse. They were monstrous! And purebreds are bigger!) In this section you're using the curse word for manure both in the literal meaning as here with the horse, and then shortly below in the metaphorical expletive sense. It's not wrong, but it sounds off to me to have two different uses of the same word in so close proximity. The use here with the horses also strikes me as cursing for the sake of using the word, and not because of the story. It doesn't really benefit the story much. "over the rouacus of the busy" I thought at first you meant "raucous" but then the sentence doesn't make sense, so I second "ruckus" (although you could add a noun to raucous and make it work then) I don't have a problem with the initial forgetfulness. It struck me as someone choking under pressure and made me smile a bit. The bar stool seems a little extreme, though, I suppose it could be fighting words to the right kind of person... "Me too." Gonna need some aloe for that burn, ouch! The second bit, where he's trying to pick a table, I had more trouble with, though I can't quite place why. Too long? Not interesting to me? I don't care enough? The tension's gone? Something's off with it. Sorry I can't be more help. "Of all the possession he'd lost" -- this phrase confused me. It doesn't seem to be used in the way the character intends, as it's implying he's lost his sketchbook (it's one of "all the things" that're gone now) but then he goes on to talk about how it's the Most Important Thing he still has left. That katana. I wonder at the use of a katana rather than any other kind of sword, since katanas invite all kinds of samurai, ninja, and weird oriental fetishistic tropes that seem to have very little to do with the rest of the setting or story. Mentioning a katana also implies the character has the highly specific knowledge needed to actually use it, which doesn't seem to fit with what else we know about him so far. There are plenty of other types of swords he could covet that would be more in line with the European-ish fantasy setting and more in keeping with the character's perceived class and social status. " an elder man" an elderly man? All the assumptions he makes about his sketch subject feel a bit superfluous to the story. Also, he's assuming an awful lot just from appearances. It makes me think less of him when he goes around making wild guesses about a person's character based solely on how they're sitting at a table. " he would know when they showed up" -- "know him when you see him" is super cliche. Also kind of awful planning. It makes the character seem very gullible to me that he wasn't at least a little suspicious of being repeatedly drilled in this cloak-and-dagger details and then to be given "you'll know him when you see him" for the important hand-off contact. The action is good, but the priest is not very believable for me. I get that he's protecting W, but he seems really to be just evil for the sake of being evil. There's no reason to immolate someone just for possession of an artifact, especially since the other consequences to having magic paraphernalia mentioned in the story is just being pilloried. The powers, as i mentioned above, don't have any foreshadowing or lead-up, so they feel pretty random to me. If this is part of a larger work, it might be better to end at the burning since it's a good chapter-end cliffhanger, and pick up the next chapter with an explanation of why he's not dead. I enjoyed reading it and think it's a good start to something longer. Looking forward to the next part!

First to answer your questions Does the story work: unfortunately, for me, not at the moment. There's a good story in here! However, it's a very tech focused story, and that's where it runs into problems. There are too many issues with the tech as described and they prevent me from getting into the story. I like A, and I definitely like her dad, but the plot does not work for me because it is so technology focused, and the tech doesn't work, which in turn makes the actions not seem reasonable or believable. Does it work for the theme: Yes and no? Yes in that the subject matter does help clean up a city, though not to the extent of say, facilitating pedestrian methods of travel or public transport; no in that much of what's described is not a particularly believable or effective method of obtaining the results the characters desire. This seems less like a story about electric cars and more like a story about city planning. City planning and logistics are super important ways to improve conditions and make the city more eco-friendly! So, yes! However, the stated focus is supposed to be electric cars... so, no...? Yes in that electric cars are good... but no in that the improvements they provide are just told to us. The results don't really impact the main characters, so it's not really focused on the contest theme... And now to ramble I agree with most of the technology issues @aeromancer and @TKWade pointed out. Day-after-tomorrow type stories are difficult because too much on one side or the other and they end up breaking suspension of disbelief. I feel like this story falls on the not-enough-future side of the issue. Current technology already does almost all of what you describe (and what isn't there now is super close to happening). Tires/cars that sense and adjust to roadway conditions, map apps that route around traffic in near-real time, speed controls in partially-automated cars that human users can't bypass, even the data collection aspects -- all these things are existing technology right now. Then there's the datacubes. What A and her dad are doing is dubiously legal at best -- and theft, privacy invasion, or huge breach of contract at worst (or all three, and probably some more). It's mostly pointless to boot. Anonymized data basically isn't, and only really becomes useful in the aggregate and at ridiculously large scale ("big data"). Plus I'm really skeptical any kind of company would let expended datacubes out of their possession -- EVER. Heck in a case that was just decided recently, Lexmark (the printer ink people) took a patent case to the SCotUS over someone using their expended printer cartridges -- things consumers had already purchased, the company'd already identified as trash and had no use for. So where does the data come from then? As a city planner/programmer, A should have access to the city's metrics, which would likely include traffic flow patterns in addition to various accident-related stats (again, this is doable with just existing tech). Someone looking to review the use of manual override and see if it corresponds to any difference in traffic patterns would likely have her company purchase datasets or databases from another vendor. This is, to reiterate, something that happens right now today, and there's a lot less paperwork involved that you'd think, especially if the data supplier has gone through the motions of stripping publicly identifiable info out of it. I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that for the way the story's set up, I just don't see much purpose in looking at individual drivers like she does, or coming to the conclusions she does. Otherwise, as I said, the premise is good, the main characters are solid, and the dialogue is strong. With a bit of research to straighten out the tech bits, you've got a pretty good story!

I will oftentimes fly out of the smaller of the two airports in my area because they have different flight times than the larger one that either give me a better layover or work with my schedule better. The little airports vs the big-big one 2 hours away is a calculation of gas prices for driving up there vs paying for parking when I get there. Given airfare these days, even a $10 difference in prices can matter. :/

Be my guest -- though, fair warning, if it's the first thing that comes to my mind, it's likely some horribly-overused plot point from '90s-era children's cartoons.

Since I've been noting it elsewhere, I oughtn't let it slide here -- please remember to double space (or at least 1.5) the paragraphs. 1, it's in the rules; 2, it's much much easier for me to read than single-spaced. As for the story itself, I do agree with the other comments that it's a little flat. However, I don't know that I need life-or-death stakes or a conspiracy tie-in to make it punchier. I just need to care about the main character, and be invested in him, and I'm not really. He seems like an easy-going affable guy, but his seeming lack of interest or investment in what's going on means that I-as-a-reader am not that invested in what's going on, either. It doesn't matter to him what's happening so why should it matter to me? He's not even really sure he wants to be there at all, since he keeps weighing learning magic against pulling weeds like they're evenly matched. And I know how I feel about pulling weeds, personally. :/ Another try-and-fail cycle might help. I don't really know. FWIW, I kind of thought he'd end up with a new pet, or somehow overfeed it until it finished its metamorphosis and went away on its own, instead of just scaring the critter away.

... ... ... "Silk's Road(s)?" :3 (sorry. I'll show myself out. >_>; )

Interlude 2 (the first one in the set here) -- is too long, imo. -- seems to lack focus -- It might just be my complete failure to be a normal child, but do normal kids show each other things like that? Like, I absolutely never did & never had any desire to see anyone else's. It seems like such a stereotype... but then I fail at recognizing a lot of "normal childhood behavior" so... call it a wash? -- Also, the first part doesn't have much at all to do with the second part, the bedtime story. I'd rather have a short interlude with s & m, if that's a point to highlight, and a separate one with just the story, maybe fairytale/folktale-style, because it seems like an interesting story. Interlude 3 (the floors one) -- could still stand a bit of streamlining. -- the info about the binders, while interesting, feels unnecessary in this piece. IMO short and concentrated works best for interludes. -- is the best of the 3 for me, by far. Interlude 4 (with Sa) -- is again, MUCH TOO LONG --did not keep my interest. I was skimming by the bottom of first page. -- is still more focused than Interlude 1, even having said that. -- I feel like it buries the lede, if the point is the self-harm and So's interaction with Sa. I don't need a full novel's worth of place description in a short bit like this. Remember, like chapter kickers, some people will just skip the interludes outright, so they're not intended to ghettoize necessary descriptive passages that would be better placed in the text but are having trouble being slotted into dialogue and action. I enjoy the interludes in general though! Definitely pro-interlude. Sometimes they look better in context than they do by themselves, though.

Hello and welcome to Reading Excuses! Have you read @Silk 's wonderful introductory post? It explains how this online writers' group works. You'll need to send a private message to @Silk to get on the mailing list, and make at least one critique post before submitting work. Generally speaking, it's in an author's best interest NOT to post story pieces directly to public forums, as this can be considered "publication" and impact a story's ability to be marketed to other venues later. It's also difficult for some people (like me!) to read long blocks of unbroken text in the forum format. With a .doc or .rtf, I can format the text the way that's best for me to read and reference later. Again, welcome, and I look forward to seeing your story in critique!

This is a great article on how to be compassionate *and* a grammar stickler while navigating the sometimes confusing and quickly evolving world of neopronouns and the people who use them: Radical Copyeditor: Style Guide for Writing about Transgender People . And while I'm adding links to this sticky post, here's Teen Vogue with an awesome FAQ on using the gender neutral pronoun they/them: All Your Questions About Gender-Neutral Pronouns Answered .

First off, this is definitely better than your previous story! But I agree with a lot of the things @rdpulfer and @Mandamon brought up. I found the through line to be very muddled, and the swap to "and suddenly we're robin hood" to be completely confusing. I didn't get the sense at all that these people worked together for anything other than money, and I didn't feel like there was any foreshadowing or reasoning behind the flip. As I go: Digging the sort of gritty fantasy noir vibe going on in the beginning... "granite door slamming" Agree. Do not understand this metaphor. "owed ‘ee" Also agree, that I have no clue what's he's saying, and sounding it out aloud didn't help much. However, since it's not there a ton in the piece, and this one sentence doesn't seem to have much plot-relevance, I'm not super against it. Dialects aren't really my thing, but I don't hate them here and there as long as I can understand plot-important dialogue. Ah, I see we have a ladette here. It's not a horrible trope, but women who act basically just like horny, rude men (but with boobs) are kind of overused as a trope, imo. Making her an actual character with actual charisma would be a lot better than relying on the shock value of the trope to give her interest. She's a bit of a Smurfette here too, despite being the leader. "honeyed peach, dusted with cinnamon" again, not entirely understanding this simile, but given the rest of her, my guess is Contralto of Danger ? And, yes, once the carriage gets there I'm lost. Still not buying "suddenly robinhood" at the end. There's just not enough foundation for it. On the second read-through I caught a couple more mentions of MC's being hired at cross-purposes (but it's still not well explained. I'd've preferred more on that than all the references to bedding the lady. It feels like it's just using sleeping together as shorthand for having a deep understanding of another person and that doesn't work all that well for me) and those are good, but the freedom fighter aspect isn't hinted at anywhere, either by the demonstrated corruption of the government or by the actions of the characters. There isn't much resolution here either. Is there a reason for the 1500 word limit? Anything up to 30k words can still be considered a short story, though I think 2k, 5k and 10k are common limits for anthologies? Anyway, I think maybe this story might just need to be written in the amount of words it needs, and then once it's done it can be trimmed or rewritten to the length limit desired? At least, it feels like it's being artificially truncated to me and maybe once the extra info is out in the world it'd be easier to shape into the form you want. But overall it's a good start on an action-heavy piece.

This is the first time I've seen something of yours, so yay! I like the premise and the POV made it feel very lived-in, however this was a rough one for me. I shared many of the confusing parts with @Robinski, The first/third person flip-flops in particular really confused me, to the point where I had to reread some passages 3 or 4 times to figure out what was going on. But on a meta level, I'm confused as to what sort of piece this is. Is it a short story? Is it a novel outline? If it's a short story, then I feel like there are major issues with the plot and characterization. As others have mentioned, we get very little information about our main protagonists, and what we do get is told to us, or it is assumed we already know most of it. There were three (four?) protagonists that I could figure out, and I couldn't keep any of them straight. As to how many other men were there, I have no idea. The amount of jargon had me bouncing off of passages hard. Jargon assumes the reader already knows the deeper meaning to the phrase or acronyms. If I said I did a 400 SKiPS followed by 2x(10 x 50 on the :55) with 200k @ :25 rest in between, I would be accurately describing the first half of a moderately intense swimming workout, but unless you're also enmeshed in swim team workout culture, you probably wouldn't know that, let alone be able to figure out what a SKiPS set is from context. Some jargon is fine, even necessary (i'd expect it in a military piece like this) but too much just starts to sound like babble, and jargon without context is setting the reader up for failure. Scene cuts feel jumpy to me, as if I'm reading excerpts out of something bigger and someone was told to chop it up to fit a predetermined page limit. The resolution, as mentioned, basically isn't. It feels like a chapter or an act break. If it's a novel outline, then I'd say it needs some work, and an ending of course, but the bones are good and I'd be interested to read more! As it is, though, it doesn't hold up as a short story.

The only problem I foresee with that, is that by making D more prominent in the story, it'll just make her eventual fridging more prominent as well. To me, she's more of an abstract concept right now, the compassionate female teacher archetype, and while her death resonates less, the fridging she gets doesn't bother me much: she's barely real to begin with. I feel like her lack of dimension puts more emphasis on R's eventual attempt at self-determination.

First off I want to say this is an improvement on last week's version! However, I agree with @Mandamon and others that there is still very little to connect this chapter to the previous two, and not much to catch or keep a reader's attention. I'm wondering now if maybe the first part, the introductory bit and the bit with the medallion, couldn't be moved to later on, after we're more invested in Paladars in general and L in particular. Right now, at ch3, we've been introduced to P and have connected with him. Switching POVs at this point sets up the expectation that the new POV will provide some kind of added info relating to P and his situation, info that is somehow unavailable by sticking with P alone. L's request to get a sword for P fits this expectation, as does the added info about bandits (that's not to say these parts shouldn't be slimmed down either. A lot of the good bits of story are diluted in a bunch of stuff I'm just not invested in right now. I need more concentrated good story bits ). I know it can be frustrating working so hard just to get the same feedback every time, but you are making progress! Keep at it!

FedEx and UPS are both more expensive than USPS from what I remember of my research, though I *think* UPS offers international tracking. EMS uses one of the others domestically, if I'm recalling correctly, and isn't really saving any money (especially if you don't live near one of their dropoff locations or are shipping lightweight things), but does ship like literally everywhere.

I enjoyed this submission! I feel like it is one of the better ones you've shown us so far. That said, I did feel like the denouement went on a little long and robbed the end of some of its impact. You've got a nice twist that, while telegraphed, was handled pretty well and the main character's realization about it seemed believable. Having only one female in the entire piece, though, does kind of give it away in a nice, big, brightly wrapped package. The evil Colonel is a bit cheesy, especially at the end where he drops his mask of political correctness. He worked better when he was not twirling his villain's mustache at the protagonist. Some parts could probably use some clarification, though which bits in particular are likely up for interpretation. I had no problem with gleaning the meaning of "Approval" from implications in the text, but it took me a while to figure out "morphologies" and that confusion did knock me out of the narrative a bit. The ramp up with the general at the beginning could also probably be more concise, since it more sets the initial tone than has much to do with the overall plot. If this was a longer work, I'd definitely want to see more of D, but since this is short and she's ultimately more plot-important by her absence than her current or past actions, I'm okay with not seeing any direct interaction between the two. "The eerily half-colored face " This is easily my favorite line. It's evocative and does a great job of showing how much the main character identifies with the robot body. Keep up the good work!

It's been my experience that shipping stuff INTO the States is much MUCH easier than shipping stuff OUT of it, unfortunately. I feel awful every time I have to give a shipping quote to someone for some collectible that's like "$5 for collectible + $22 shipping + whatever duties your country will apply AND I can't offer tracking because USPS doesn't do that for international orders (even though they can update OTHERS' tracking just fine, grumble)"

Overall, while this is no longer overtly problematic and it hangs together better, I think the through line is getting muddled in the mix somewhere. I'm also confused by why the element of coercion is necessary for what is otherwise a good, healthy, loving relationship. So, no overt slavery, but the woman is now apparently only with the man because she would have been sold into slavery otherwise? And then somehow she indentured herself to an abusive relative of his? I'm a little unclear about that part. And then T "rescued" her by forcing her into another marriage where he only acquired her for housework? It doesn't take coercion for a beautiful young woman to marry an older man. Desire for stability, security, prestige or status, or yes, even plain old love are all reasons someone would marry someone else twice their age. But all of these reasons are centered on the woman, and in a story this short, I'm not sure they're even necessary for the tale you're trying to tell. Does it truly matter why they're together, or just that they have a long-established partnership? If it's trying to convey something about the woman, it's one of those things that're getting muddled up and lost in the mix. The magic hangs together better and I don't mind the gibberish as much in this version. "She was not too old" Why couldn't she just be a widow? I thought in these sorts of situations that once you were married the first time you were either "damaged goods" and no one would want you or your status as a widow meant you had some degree of autonomy. Unless she really is just chattel, in which case her ownership would revert to either her previous owner (the uncle?) or her birth family, if any male (i'm assuming) relatives could be dug up. "and every day in the garden, at the river, in the market" the way this sentence is set up, it's kinda saying they're, uh, pretty sexually adventurous.... "Certainly, those with reason to be there" So if women can be in the mens' halls "with reason" already why do they both have to cripple themselves to sell the ruse? Are ALL the women allowed in the mens' halls deafened and blinded in order to be there? Wouldn't a scribe or secretary shtick work as well? A large part of the twist in this story seems to be "a woman can have a good idea" and I feel like that's part of the reason why it's falling flat for me. Up until the twist, L doesn't do anything except be ogled and revered by T. She's less a character than an egoboo and a flat thing to bounce dialogue off of. If she's all that T thinks she is, give her some plot beats in addition to the twist. To reiterate, confusing implications aside, this isn't overtly problematic story anymore. It has much more internal logic, and doesn't feel as gimmicky as v1. I think it's still several yards shy of the goalposts, however.

Congrats on taking the plunge for a rewrite! That's not an easy thing to do. However, I agree with @kais and feel like this was more of a lateral shift. I found it very difficult to stay engaged, and did not understand what the beginning of the chapter really had to do with then end of it. My first question here is why are you describing in book 1 something that's going to appear in book 2? We're in book 1: describe the thing to the extent it's needed in book 1 (even if that's just a quick 3-word mention in passing). When it's book 2, then go into the detail necessary for book 2. I guarantee you I will not remember details given in bk1 by the time I get to bk2. I barely remember if I've put on pants in the morning by the time lunch rolls around. It might feel repetitive to you, but putting info in when it's needed is a nice reminder for a reader. Same thing for characters. If they're not needed in bk1, then leave them as unnamed backgrounders. When it's their time to shine, then name them and describe them. Bk2 readers can go back and find those bk1 background easter eggs and be delighted, but bk1 readers don't need the additional info slowing down their introduction to your world. There's a bunch of guidance out there for doing rewrites. From Writing Excuses, there's the MICE idea. Here's s6ep10 that explains what it is: Mice Quotient Podcast (but they've talked a lot about this idea). It might be good to go through chapter-by-chapter and figure out what part of MICE each one is. Once you do that, then anything that's not germane to the MICE story structure becomes something that can be cut from the chapter. If a part is needed elsewhere, it can be added back in where it's needed. Author Holly Lisle has her How to Revise a Novel and One-Pass Manuscript Revision essays (these are also longer classes, but since they're not free I'm not going to link them here). I like Holly's classes because they are very clear and methodical. They come from the position that ANYone can write a good story, even if they're not supposedly the "creative type" or think they "don't know how to write." That said, she doesn't sugar-coat, doesn't try to be funny, and she doesn't pull punches. Even if you end up not following her methods, Holly always poses good questions to ask yourself about your work -- Is it necessary, does it matter, have I followed up on the promises I made? It's good stuff. For a more profane take, author Chuck Wendig has a goodly number of books and essays on the craft of writing and revising. The stuff available for free tends to be more generalist, but it's all solid, amusingly-written advice (for values of "amusing" that use curse words every other word. Just a heads up. I love him, but he's a pottymouth). Here are a few: 25 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT REVISING AND REWRITING HOW TO KARATE YOUR NOVEL AND EDIT THAT [thing] HARD 25 STEPS TO EDIT THE UNMERCIFUL SUCK OUT OF YOUR STORY SOMETIMES STORYTELLING IS JUST RESOURCE MANAGEMENT His blog isn't tagged, unfortunately, but his essay collection ebooks aren't that expensive. Most of all though, don't get discouraged! You're not alone.

It's gonna be a looooong time before I can fill that jar to the point where it will start to help with travel costs... >_>;

IT BEGINS

Well, I made it through all 3 books I ordered of Cordwainer Smith, and while I thoroughly enjoyed other parts of them all, there's only so many times I can credibly believe the day was saved by the beautiful, pure, innocent girl's beautiful pure innocence inspiring our manly hero to new heights of manliness (and then they fall in love because he's the hero and she's so pure. yeah, right). Man had a formula, is what I'm saying. :/ Out of two large short story collections and one full-length novel, I can maybe count on one hand the stories that deviated from it. I'm glad I read this piece of scifi history, but it's not something I'm going to be adding to my bookshelf, unfortunately. More happily, my copy of "Gates of Tagmeth" by PC Hodgell arrived a couple days ago and I blazed through it joyously. As dark and gothic as this series is, I love the dry humor that sneaks in, and I laughed out loud and a few well-placed lines. Things are finally starting to happen in the series, which gives me hope. The previous two books were a little rough going (though I'd read Hodgell's rough stuff over others' polished pieces any day) and I was considering relegating it to my library-only reading list. I'm so happy I don't have to! As the author has aged, this 8-volume meditation on honor, justice and religion has gotten more and more nuanced, and while I miss the bright action of the first couple books, the story is so much richer now. I have a couple more library books to get through, but then I need to go do that series re-read of this that I've been promising myself.

As I go: Any relation to the Des from the previous one? That name really seems a bit on-the-nose. Ah yes, I see it is. "Sickly girl dying of an unspecified illness who coughs at appropriate moments" is not a great trope... I am very very confused by this talk of magic and focuses on page 3/4. Some of it is I think grammar-related, but not all of it. At this point I stopped taking notes. I made it all the way through, but it was a rough go. If these are short stories and not chapters out of a longer novel, then they need to be mostly self-contained, information-wise. Having callbacks to previous things in-universe is fine (such as the Destiny mention), but each story needs to be able to stand on its own without support. I don't feel like that's possible with this piece here. There are too many core tenants left unexplained and it goes beyond just merely being serial series background surprises. It might seem like it makes sense when the whole universe is inside one's head, but all the reader has is what's contained in the story. If these shorts are intended to be submissions to anthologies at some point, then there's no guarantee more than one will be in a collection, let alone every collection so that readers can accrete background through sequential volumes. There are so many things alluded to and left unexamined or unexplained here that it is very difficult for me to have any kind of sense of what's going on, why it matters, or even who these people are. The writing is, as ever, solid and the action is clearly described, if not logical from where I'm standing. It can be really difficult figuring out on paper the balance between explaining too much and not explaining enough, especially when it makes so much sense in thoughts, and the only real fix is just to keep practicing, so please, keep at it!

It's not great. Sorin might need a line lampshading it. At least, it looked a bit like editing errors to me.

The internet is giving me either something along the lines of a "dugout-style" canoe or a "pirogue" which is apparently a sometimes flat-bottomed, small, lightweight river craft (but is associated with louisiana for people in the know), or a "long-tail boat," which sounds much cooler in thai and appears to be similar to your descriptions (?). I'm not sure a longboat does what you want, either, since it's so easily confused with a Viking longship. (also modern longboat racing is apparently a thing in some places) (video!) Either way, it needs more description. just leaving it at canoe only brings to mind the tiny aluminium things from summer camp, I'm thinking, and that doesn't fit with what this is. River canoe, ferry canoe, wodden-hulled passenger canoe, dugout ferry, ferry pirogue (though honestly, i only know that word from wiki, so it'll need describing at first), ferry raft, dugout raft (i know it's not a raft, but rafts come with connotation of different construction than canoes, so it might help), long-tail ferry/canoe/raft (which is fun and fantasy-seeming but would need describing because i don't think it has that many connotations associated with it)... Be wary of riverboat, because that's got tons of Mark Twain/Samuel Clemens Mississippi River associations with it. It wouldn't hurt to add that the captain is directing around obstacles in the river (also a description of the river because i certainly don't think of them as having obstacles that are so hidden and so dangerous to a craft that they need a spotter to call out for them) EDIT: Aha! I knew there was another name: pilot. On boats on the Mississippi, another broad flat river full of dangerous junk, the guy who called out snags, directed and controlled the boat was the pilot, and the dudes who sounded the depths were leadsmen. EDIT2: More links about longboat racing, because it's cool. (also long-tail boat racing which is crazy awesome scary nuts) Also, I dug up this picture of a really long one, just for fun.